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Hi! I'm owie and sore and sandy.

Owie because my stoopid monthlies decided to join up with the beach fun. So I'm inside waiting for the Motrin to take effect instead of flying our new, cool PIRATE SHIP KITE on the beach. Dude. Pirate ship kite. !!! Apparently Ft. Walton Beach/Destin is known for it's massive Pirate festival. o_O So that explains why we saw all the scurvey bastards and their saucy wenches downing ale everywhere we turned since we got here. Hee!! Pirates!! Seriously. Think about dressing in corsets and long skirts and layers, sitting on a boat in the 90s, and getting shit-faced. Um, ahoy? No, avast ye! ARRRGGGGHHHH!

I've been saying "booty" a lot.

I've also been drinking sub-par margaritas, and am HORRIFIED by the lack of bar knowledge in such a party spot. For shame. Thank goodness for Vodka. Can't screw that up.

Did you know that people here think appropriate beach food is anything as long as it is FRIED? I want you to put yourself on a sandy beach, a light breeze cooling your skin, making you forget you haven't reapplied sunscreen for a few hours,, sun beating down... You there? Okay, now here's your paper "basket" of fried oysters and shrimp and french fries, topped with some cole slaw, heavy on the mayo. You gagging yet? Oh, and that meal costs you about 18 bones. Arrgh. (Remember: pirates!)

Let's just say we went to the grocery store and loaded up on leafy greens and fruits and have filled our suite's fridge. JEEZ. I feel like a beauty queen out here with my little-to-no fried foods body. Mmmm, apples.

There is a youth group (Baptists) from Alabama staying here, and if they wake me the fuck up with another of their "de-VOE-shunuls to Jay-Sus" at 7am on my vacation again, I'm gonna come out spouting Mormonism just to freak them out. Maybe I'll tell them I'm half-black and Mormon and watch their heads explode. (note to newbies: I am neither) Ha! They had "trust" games on the beach today. Two lines, everyone picked a name from the opposing line, then they all squeeze their eyes shut and call out the name, tring to find each other in the dark. Do you get it? Do you see how they are getting closer to Jay-Sus by seeking a friend in the dark? Mr. Stoney walked past this charade and called out, "Satan? Satan!" I love him. I muttered as I past them, "Jesus wants you to relax and have a fucking good time on this lovely earth he made you. And for you to pick up your trash. He worked for seven days, jackasses. Pick up your Yoo-Hoo bottle." We are horrible!! But not really, because we listened to their "Christian" radio stations on the drive. YIKES. Let's be glad their economy is still depressed so these "fucktards" (MR. S's fave word) can't effect policy. Much.

Wow. My period makes me cranky.

beadtific? We made drip castles in your honor today. Weee! And I've read ALL of my books, and I can't find a bookstore near here. WTF?? BOOKS. *cries* I want a friggin' book. *flips through TV Guide for thousandth time*

Our suite over-looks the "Gulfarium" (be sure to say that like "Plane*arium" from South Park. It's like you're here with us!!) so we get to see dolphins, brown pelicans, monster turtles, Great Herons... Very pleasant. Tomorrow is our last day, then the long drive home. Fortunately, we like road trips. (And we have a DVD player and headphones for the kids. No Simpsons-esque "Are we there yet?" headaches.)

Oh, my god. This is so freaking boring. Are you still here? Um, I have fic ideas, but the majority are of E/H RPS or Obi/Ani type. But I have an Mpreg fic for Dovil's ficathon, three Mope-athon fics for Sue... Uh... I have an additional bit to the Princess 99 Wampum parody with Buffy/Angel/Spike, because there isn't enough native American/Buffy AU parody fic out there, dammit.

Oh, and as I bought a permanent account today, I am going to use the HELL out of my LJ from now on. THE HELL. Out of it. Fragments are. Fun.

Holy shit. I'm frickin' going crazy. WHEEE!! And in conclusion: pirates. Arrrgh.

Comments

( 75 comments — Leave a comment )
trepkos
Jun. 7th, 2005 03:33 pm (UTC)
Aaarhargh!
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:40 pm (UTC)
Oh, that there picture makes me timbers shiver. Arrrgh. 'Tis a gAARRGHeous site to me sea-weary eyes. 'Tis.

I need a pirate icon.
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inlovewithnight
Jun. 7th, 2005 03:38 pm (UTC)
I just have to hug you. This post made my day.

::hugs::
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC)
Pirates don't be wantin' no nancy-boy hugs. A clap on the back in solitude over a pint 'tis what's called for. Arrgh.

Or I could switch to Baptist mode (I had to flee the pool - I couldn't take anymore) and hug thuh STUFFIN' outta yuh, in thuh nayum of the LAWRD. Praise him.

(Good thing I don't believe in hell, or surely I'd be there already.)
*hugs you back*
southernbangel
Jun. 7th, 2005 03:51 pm (UTC)
Ahhhh, Baptists from Alabama. How I love my state. *rolls eyes*
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:43 pm (UTC)
Ha!! For the record, Southern baptists tend to be obnoxious from all states. These just have the fantastic accents of the DEEP south. If they weren't all wearing shirts with the Biohazard symbol on them with "JESUS: He's Contagious!" on them...

You know? I kinda want that shirt now. Ha ha ha!
When you go straight to hell... - hellziggy - Jun. 7th, 2005 07:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: When you go straight to hell... - stoney321 - Jun. 8th, 2005 06:26 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: When you go straight to hell... - hellziggy - Jun. 8th, 2005 06:58 am (UTC) - Expand
marlo
Jun. 7th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
Obi/Ani type

::votes::

YAY! It's fun to hear from you!
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
marlo!!! *hugs you into OBLIVION*

How are you my lovely Vancouverite? OH, we would have fun peering at the half-wits here. Tell Toren there are T-shirts on these chucklenuts with catchy things like (over the biohazard symbol) Jesus: He's Contagious! And in place of the Coca-Cola logo: Jesus-Christ.

Second Commandment, Schmecond Commandment.

I'm reading my McSweeny's book and giggling my head off.
allegraconbrio
Jun. 7th, 2005 03:52 pm (UTC)
Hee. Mr. Stoney and you? A fearsome pair. Gads, I just have to look at it all with humor. Been through a few too many "teambuilding" exercises at work, and also though the love of Jay-sus is a good thing for lots of folk? Criminy. I must laugh. Yoohoo bottles? from the devil. I am sure of it. It is a plot, they will overtake the world, the empties after the empty calories and sugar rush of doom. Eep. They *must* repent.
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:48 pm (UTC)
Hi Hi Hi!! For the record, I have no problem (and admire in some ways) those who find peace and joy in religion. That being said, these are goofy, obnoxious, redneck kids with shirts like: Jesus is my Hero! but will also use the N word or spit the word "Jew" like they drank old milk. So not a lot of sympathy for them.

And trash!! On the pretty beach! *cries*

TEAMBUILDING EXERCISES. ON VACATION. Isn't THAT a law? Shouldn't it be?

*hugs you senseless*
crayonbreakygal
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:12 pm (UTC)
I should get my eight year old to tell them to pick up their trash. He's good at telling strangers this.

Oh, beach fun. Sounds like you're still having a good time though. Seems that they always water down the drinks in places like that.

I bought a permanent account too. Why the hell for, I keep asking myself. Because it's there. Just hope the hubby doesn't look at the credit card statement and go WTF.
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC)
heh, my nine year old son is gaping at them and asking me in a loud voice why they are littering? Heee!! Did something right with that kid...

it's not that the drinks are watered down, ahem, quite the contrary. it's that the 'ritas are made with a mix, and it tastes like the salk has (I'm no making this up) HICKORY in it. *_* SOOOOO not tasty with tequila. No real lime juice in one of them.

Woot!! We are here forever together!! now to fill up those icon slots, eh?

*hugs you gently, gives you foot rub because of owie mommy body I'm sure you are feeling*
paynbow
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:13 pm (UTC)
Yar, may-tee! Ye sound like ye are havin' a grand time at th' beach. Make sure to load up on wenches an' booty!

(psst...way to make fun of the baptists! Hee! I had a baptist friend and our friendship ended when he chased me out of a park becuase I was possesed by a demon. God, I wish I were kidding :p). But...devotional at 7am? Loud in a resort? That's just inconsiderate, and inconsiderate people make baby jesus cry.
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:52 pm (UTC)
Sure, and if I'm not having a time of it, i'll walk me own plank, arrgh.

HEATHER. Dork chub dude with faux hawk and ripped sleeves on T that reads; Jesus is my hero. White socks. Reebox high-tops. Black.

We thought we picked a place juuuuuuust expensive enough to keep out the riff raff. Ha ha ha!! It's fun to sound snobby. Arrggh.
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beadattitude
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:16 pm (UTC)
Drip castles for MEEEEE?? Yay. Oh yay! I've been jonesing for some beachy goodness and all I have are these mountains! Mountains! And cool air! Aiee? Thank you to you and all the little Stoneys for drippin' along.

Ooh, Destin - not just for diaper rash anymore! Or is that Desitin? Never mind. I went there for my post gradation from high school ice-cream and liquor drink week long ho-down with my four bestest buds who I've never really heard from again. Hm. Oh well. I want to point out we were not the hos. We were a mild bunch, and got down infront of our television, which had cable and MTV was new a novel. But it was pretty and yay verily much of the food was fried. And this was twenty years ago - so think of how long that fryer grease has had to set.

Pirate festival? There is much to mock in this.

Baptists. Well, I'm afraid Southern Baptists (with the exception of Mr. and Mrs. James Earl Carter) are really too easy to mock. Like shooting baptismal candidates in a barrel, really.

Once, when I used to travel for a living, I had a large insurance sales people convention in Las Vegas. Well, it turns out that the SOUTHERN BAPTISTS decided to have their annual convention in Las Vegas.

I'm suuuuure it was for the cheap hotel rooms.

Let's all pause to think about that. The Southern Baptist Convention. In Las Vegas. All that polyester and pantyhose. It's a wonder the poor things didn't just drop like flies.

I was going down the street in a cab at high noon to my hotel (which was just down the block, but it was high noon in July, and my work uniform included hose) and as I was sitting happily in air-conditioned gridlock, I saw an enormous cross coming down the sidewalk toward us. I was seriously impressed/horrified until I saw that the guy re-enacting the Dead Savior Walking stroll had fastened a small wheel to the bottom of his cross. ::rolls eyes:: This sounds like the kinda guy who'd use a skateboard to scootch to Lourdes instead of crawl.

I gotta go get me some more ginger ale. Thanks for checking in. Hope you feel better. ::hugs you and secretly tucks some chocolate in your pocket, for emergencies::

stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:57 pm (UTC)
My leetle lipschien! Destin has (we've been told) changed a lot over the past ten years. We used to go to San Destin, but it was a bit... homogenous for our tastes, if you get the white southern drift. So we thought we'd go closer to the locals. And this is what we get. Ha ha!

"Lord we just want to thank you for making this fine beach and bringing us here, and we hope you bless each one of us with your spirit and keep us afloat *snickers* and bring us all back here in one hour *did you hear that jimmy?* so we can pray and break sup one with another. And lord, let these children not look unto the fleshy evils that present themselves here, and remind them that this is a test, and we chose this as a test instead of sticking with the Y where there is a dress code because we want to increase our strength and devotion in you, oh, Lord, amen."

Cross on wheels!! We have that guy in Dallas, too. I called him a cheater. he got mad at me and said some VERY non-Christian things to me. hee!! I mean, Arrgh.
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serenelystrange
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:17 pm (UTC)
Poor Stoney. Cursed with natures evil on a day she should be having fun, :( Arrrrg! Sometimes I wonder why Men couldnt get any of the evils, lol. Yeah, well anyway, this post brightened my day considerably. Apparently you're even funnier when cranky, lol. In keeping with your pirate way I bid thee a farewell and an Arrrrg!

PS: Do you know how much I love you for Likeing the Simpson? No? A hellalot! Lol
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:59 pm (UTC)
Oooh! Ten points for use of arrghh. Oh, I'm fine. Ordered some chocolate cheesecake from room service, kids are down at the pool, and life is fiiiiiine.

I'm such a stinker. I kid because I love. Me. I LOVE ME. Ha ha!!

*hugs you and Jedi mind wipes the snotty stuff in my post from your head*
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cityphonelines
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:24 pm (UTC)
Corsets. Supportin' boobs and helping plank-walkin' wenches float since 1684.

*hands you a deep fried margarita*
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 05:01 pm (UTC)
HA HA HA HA HA!! laughed out loud, i did. Arrghh.

Man, if they could find the right marketing campaign, SOMEONE would top off the crappy margaritas (with a funky back-taste we FINALLY pinpointed as HICKORY) with a deep fried LIME. It will happen one day. *shudders*

Seriously: there is a hickory-salt taste to the mix they use here. EVERYWHERE. 5 different places so far, at different ends of the beach. WHY, Vinnie?? *cries*
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smashsc
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:29 pm (UTC)
*big hugs*

Fried food at the beach never made that much sense to me - but it is yummy. The fried food you describe doesn't sound like good friend food though. The fried catfish I had in New Orleans was smooth and light and perfect. And I know people who drink coffee on the beach in the summer so it really does take all kinds.

By my ledger you're doing well just because you haven't started playing whack-a-baptist yet. But then you know my opinion of the Six Flags of Jesus people.

*hugs* again, just cause.
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC)
Oh, the food is GOOD fried food, it's just... fried food. When you are hot and sweaty and so much skin is exposed for greasy crumbs to stick to.... bleh. Fruit. I want fruit in this weather.

My fingers are cramping, but I've written more about the fun religious folks here up in the threads.

*hugs you HARD and tells you of the kids talking about you and comparing their new sanddollars to yours*
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mskakaako
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:39 pm (UTC)
Hey Stoney! Hope you're having lots of fun!

I finally saw RotS so I feel all in the know about stuff now.

Also, because I love you I won't hate your guts for having a permanent account. So jealous!!!
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC)
C!!!! *squeezes your guts out*
*grosses out as i am now covered in guts*

I'm so glad you saw it! yoda was the bees knees, yes?

*rubs your face in my permanent account*
*rubs your face ELSEWHERE*
heh.
julia_here
Jun. 7th, 2005 04:51 pm (UTC)
Just reaslized that some of my better stories end up in your comments threads. Don't know what to say about that.

We went out to Twin HarborsState Part with my Uncle Frank and Auntie Marge, from, trangely enough, Minnesota. There was some kind of DeMolay hoo-haw going on, and the baby Masons were dressed up in drag, in punk, in glam rock. Never did quite get the theme. Anyway, they were doing their team building exersizes and those challenge games that you see on Greek row at rush week , in their very costumy constumes, and Marge kept bitching about their clothes and asking what they were trying to prove, in one of those gawdawful nasal Upper Midwest voices that could crack concrete.

So, after a while, we drove into Westport and she bitched about the surfers instead.

Julia, Auntie Marge also does not approve of the kind of people who live on Capital Hill in Seattle, as we gfound out when we drove them to the cruise ship last summer
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 05:06 pm (UTC)
HELLO!! your best stoies end up here because I DRAG THEM OUT OF YOU. Or something.

OH NO. Ambulance outside on the beach. Something has happened. Oh, the lights are off. Oh, dear. More in a bit.

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winterlive
Jun. 7th, 2005 05:24 pm (UTC)
Augh! Irritating Christians! Those are the worst kind.

Trust Games: All An Elaborate Excuse To Cop A Feel.
stoney321
Jun. 7th, 2005 05:32 pm (UTC)
and the only plank, is the plank in me pants. Arrrgh.

And YES!! The whole "blindfold the whole group and make them walk towards each other with their hands outstretched and towards firm bewbies" trick. Uh HUH! See right through that ruse.

WINTER!!! I've been boarded! Pirates are after me booty! hee hee.
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lynnenne
Jun. 7th, 2005 06:10 pm (UTC)
Drink more. Do it for me!!
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:33 am (UTC)
*puts on resolve face*

Okay. But just this once. And by once I mean my LIFE.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:37 am (UTC)
YAY SUE!!! Oh, the accents here. THE ACCENTS!! i've died and gone to comedy heaven.

Two little blonde cherubs hanging in the shallows with Emily: twins from Alabama. (I kept saying RUN, Forest, RUN! in my head - their voices were just. like. that.) and here is a snippet of the conversation:

Ewe know whut kahnd uv snayke iyus m'FAV'rit kahnd? Uh Kayng Cobra.
(other twin)
Ewe know whut kahnd iyus mahn? Uh.... um... uh Rattlesnayke.

(Emily:)I like snakes. I like sharks.

Sue, we drove past BAYOU LA BATRE. Allen finally had to give me the look to make me stop saying, shrimp scampi, shrimp stew, shrimp sandwich...
desoto_hia873
Jun. 7th, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)
Hee! That was fantastically manic. My periods should be so much fun. :-)
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:38 am (UTC)
I *am* here to amuse you, so I'll punch my uterus a few times to keep it up, shall I?

*eats all the chocolate and salt in the WORLD*
leeannaray
Jun. 7th, 2005 07:20 pm (UTC)
More Ewan/Hayden smut? Sounds good to me. But you know what I would really love? Some Joyce fic. *Attempts to mentally send you some Joyce bunnies.*
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:39 am (UTC)
I'm going to ask for prompts later next week after I finish the ficathon assignments I have, so think about something with her. I'm definitely going to need a poke.

E/H!!! So, so many ideas...
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:41 am (UTC)
We decided that when half-wits mate? They produce quarter-wits. We're working on the math elements to help further our new cause: "Help a Half-Wit"

We're going global. Dude: fried oysters and fries. ON THE BEACH. *_O

Paris Hilton is my favorite swear-word, too!
viciouswishes
Jun. 7th, 2005 09:22 pm (UTC)
Yay for making inappropriate comments in public, and here, I thought I was the only one.
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:42 am (UTC)
Oh, no, no, no. Many MANY people make inappropriate comments in public. Especially of the NON-ironic variety. WOW.

but me? I gotta mouth, to be sure. :-D
likeadeuce
Jun. 7th, 2005 11:05 pm (UTC)
is it ok if I love Mr. Stoney a little bit too? only until i find a gun-toting Scotch-drinking, baptist-screwing-with, fucktard-saying man of my own?
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:44 am (UTC)
Don't forget the math!! Yes, he's a man of all seasons.

Currently we're extrapolating into a computation that sums up the following:
half-wit +(breeds) half-wit = quarter-wit.

I see you sent me an attachment via email? I'm on my husband's work lap-top so I can't open any attachments. I'll be back tomorrow night, so I can look over it then?
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jun. 8th, 2005 06:48 am (UTC)
BOOOOOKS!!! I need more Sarah Vowell. I *knew* I hould have bought Assasination Vacation before I left... Finished Take the Cannoli and want more. I want to be her when I grow up. Have also read a book on essays concerning politics and war, my McSweeny's Best of the Humor Section and the TV Guide. (That was the toughy.)

Um, I think a lot of the locals here don't read. Hence all the fried foods. I'm just theorizing, mind you.

SHARKS!! We've got a playground on the sand below with a HUGE shark that turns out to be a ginat slide inside. Which is really gross and eerie, if you think about it. I'm sure the religious group will end up making analogies to Jonah within the hour. Heee!!

*smooshes you HARD*
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ex_dovil323
Jun. 8th, 2005 11:09 pm (UTC)
Yo! Ho, ho! You are sooo funny, and have a suprisingly pert booty. And look, see, whose journal do I rush to stalk read?

Baptists are weird. Was that too judgemental? Baptists are very weird.

You should drink bottles down half way and stick a burning rope into the rest and lob it in to the ocean until you get that dastardly shark. Or move inland, whatever works.
ex_dovil323
Jun. 8th, 2005 11:27 pm (UTC)
HOLY CRAPPOLA! I just saw my emails and you are the coolest person ever! Thank you soooo much, that was incredibly generous of you! *faints and swoons about the place* Bloody hell woman, I owe you many, many drinks! And possibly male prostitutes and cocaine into the bargain.

I owe you fic, I am writing you one right this second! But then since I'm writing this second I also owe you proper fic! Much fic, and bags of drugs!

*smooches you until your husband has me whacked*
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violethamster
Jun. 9th, 2005 05:55 am (UTC)
Jesus probably kinda likes the trust games, because when all those clueless dorks have their eyes closed he can sneak away. And he'll be going "nope, getting colder...ok, warmer...warmer...OMG YOU'RE IN HELL!"

Sorry you are bored and bookless. You know what's fun to do when you don't have books? Write porn!
stoney321
Jun. 9th, 2005 05:49 pm (UTC)
If only I didn't have kids whining for me to entertain them on the drive... I'd write teh pr0n. But it's a bit... unnerving, to say the least. :-D

Jesus TOTALLY likes trust games. He magicks out people's wallets and rolls his eyes at their WWJD bracelets. And probably mocks their walk or something while their eyes are closed. Ha ha!! Trish rules at life.
( 75 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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