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crazydiamondsue had the funniest comment in my LJ a while back - she mentioned that Andrew was totally writing Spander RPS. It's Real Person because he, you know; was there. HA HA! So what if Andrew wrote fanfic? You *know* he did. And what if he had a spiral notebook to doodle in? You do. You do doodle, too. Let's just pretend that I ripped a few pages out of his notebook and printed them up here for you to read.

For the record, it's a InaYusha pic on the cover of his spiral. This is PG because Andrew would get too squirmy for anything rated higher. :-D Set in the beginning of Season 7 of Buffy the Vampyre (heh) Slayer.


*~*~*~

Tales of the Vampyres
By Andrew Wells

The Crew Aboard this Ship:

William the Bloody, aka Spike, aka Scourge of Europe, aka The White, aka Mr. Cool
Alexander Harris, aka Xander, aka Whelp
Buffy Summers, She Who Would Save the World a bunch
The She-Witch, aka Willow, aka The Black Witch, aka a total cheat at Trvial Pursuit and her recent brush with evil makes her untrustworthy- she could totally be magicking the answers
Dawn, The Littlest Sister Who Could, aka The Nice One, she has really pretty hair
Faith, The Dark Slayer, Killer of Vulcanologists (there are tear drops distorting this line and a doodle of Spock next to the name Faith with daggers drawn shooting out of his eyes)
Deanna Troi, Keeper of my very SOUL
how can I put myself in here? Am I the narrator? Yes. No. I am also a warrior.


*~*~*~*
Our tale begins with the handsome, yet aloof, William the Bloody, although he goes mainly by Spike, because that's a modern name. Pleebs. Stupid Anne Rice ruining things for him... Crap.

*crosses out the above*

Our tale begins with the handsome, yet aloof, Spike. He stands alone against the forces of evil, except when he stands with Buffy, The Vampyre Slayer. You could cut the sexual tension between the two of them with a knife. But their love is not to be. It stands against everything they have worked so hard for. Their bodies strain to touch - and how can the golden Slayer resist the carved marble that is William the Bloody? He's so frickin' cool.

*big, slashing X over the previous paragraph*

Before I can share our tale with you, I must tell you of what has previously happened in Sunnydale. Like a Dark Knight, swirly black cape now a swirly black coat, and instead of a really awesome car with all kinds of gadgets in it, we have a simple, but effective motorcycle. The vehicle of choice for the lonely and determined. Our lone rider? What used to be a man and now is a god a Vampyre with a Soul - Spike. He of the platinum hair. He of the chiseled muscles that appear to be carved from marble. He has a wicked awesome thumb ring. And the ladies love him. How could they resist? Once tortured and confused but now fights the fight for Good... He's like Wolverine, except that Wolverine was never evil and has brown hair. But cool and aloof like Wolverine, yes.

Forces of Darkness are gathering against the band of warriors. Spike and your humble narrator have been given a task - quite possibly the most important task that could turn the tide in our favor. If I fail... If Spike and I fail - the world may be lost to the Dark Side. We climb aboard his motorcycle, after a few minutes of him showing me where to put my feet - I am not Immortal such as he and am afraid of getting burned by the machinery - and he, ever the gentleman that underscores the man that Was, gives me the only helmet. It's a blue football helmet, but the gesture was understood. Spike is a creature that cares for me.

I am amazed how how soft the leather of his coat is against my chin. I didn't expect him to wiggle so much, but when I rest my chin against the buttery-soft black leather coat, it keeps the bugs from hitting my teeth. That part about motorcycles is really gross. And Spike's waist is teeny (A/N: find out if Vampyres exercise - he's seriously cut like Brad Pitt or something - find out and work on a companion piece to this?), so narrow, in fact, that I have to wrap both of my arms around him just to feel like I won't slide of the bike. He lets out a sigh and flexes the muscle in his jaw, his strong, square jaw that offsets the magnificent cheekbones on our Vampyre-hero. It's hard to hear over the wind whistling over and around our bodies, but I think I hear something about him missing his car?

We near our destination. I feel the fluttery flight of panic rising up, like my gorge. Spike lights a new smoke, asks me if I'm ready, and I find my inner cool. (A/N: ooh! I like that.) I take the smoke from him, ignore the rolling of his eyes, take a deep breath and try to stop coughing. After a few minutes, I let him know by my wide-legged stance and narrowed eyes (seriously, that stuff burns) that I'm ready. I walk really close to him in case something awful lies behind the door.

A priest. Is he evil? No. He is just a scared man. You bet he's scared. Standing before him is The Scourge. I wish he would have left his coat on - it's really cool when he walks in and it swirls like a cape. We find out after I interrogate this... "priest" about what he knows. I discover a secret door. And inside this secret door is a wall with WORDS. Only I, He Who Learned Demonology to Fight Against Good, But Became a Mexican and Now Fights for the Good of All Mankind, (A/N: is this way too long? I need a new name) will be able to decipher it's meaning. Only I can help Spike of the White save the world. And Buffy can help us.

Because Spike is still tethered to the laws of the Vampyres, and because the sun is coming up, and we spent a lot of time trying to find this place, but I'm sorry, it didn't look like I remembered on the map, and that is neither here nor there, we are stuck in the church. Trapped. But friends like he and I are never trapped when we are togther. I have to remind him of this several times. I think he kept forgetting because of his concern for getting our valuable information that I alone was able to find to Buffy and the girls.

I explain to him why RISK was so important to my training in strategies. How a vorpal plus three sword isn't enough against a demon like Trogdor. He tells me he wants to focus on my words and their meaning, so he closes his eyes to block out his other senses. That makes sense. I tell him for hours about cool stuff like Dr. Who, why George Lucas, although in many ways is a God, should be slowly tortured by the Demon underworld for creating Jar Jar Binks, and it's amazing that Vampyres look like they are sleeping when their eyes are closed. It's just because they don't breath. He is totally interested in what I'm telling him, and it makes our Warrior bond strong. Stronger than my bond with my former partner. Spike and I continue our mind meld until he shakes himself (it's like, really taxing on your body to do a mind-meld) and tells me it's time to go.

Our ride back to Sunnydale and the others in our crew seems far too short. I tell Spike this and we share a laugh when he says it seemed far too long. I do not know what he means, but he laughs and naturally, I do as well. His power is strong over me. I am his Padawan now, I can feel it. I must stay close and watch him, learn of his ways. I don't think I can smoke, though. I'll have to remember to ask him what he thinks about that...

Buffy, the Golden Slayer, she who took Evil to her bed twice and triumphed (that is seriously hot), has asked Your Humble Narrator to tell the inexperienced Slayers In Training my tales. To tell them of What Is To Come. Because I have walked through the fire of hell and have come back unscathed. But they do not need to know of my travels to Mexico. And so, I am unscathed. Buffy recognizes my importance in this fight. Also, I think she senses the bond between Spike and I and is, like, super jealous. You aren't the only golden one, Miss Thing, and Jedi Knights are not allowed to know the pleasures of a woman. (A/N: I totally need to write a Jedi tale with Spike. He's like Luke. Golden and lost with a Dark Father. That is so awesome.)

The girls listen, enraptured with my tale. With the exception of Kennedy, and man what is her DEAL? She's like Q without the super powers. Ob. Nox. Ious. And obviously not fully trained in the Jedi Arts, because hel-LO! Vulcanologist! I think I am the qualified one here in the room. I'll let that slide, but just the once. If I'm going to join the Forces of Good, I have to develop patience with the children. They are clay for me to mold.

Later, I stand in front of the door to the basement, cheek pressed against the wood, knowing that my Master friend Spike needs his rest. He's integral to the fight, as important as me, and we'll need him at full strength. I need to remember to ask him about dirt from his home land, and if he really needs to sleep on some to regain his power. But he smells so April Fresh...

*a light X crosses out the above paragraph*

I stand there with my cheek pressed against the basement door, feeling Spike's presence on the other side. He rests now, but not for long. I wonder if he can sense me - if he knows I stand at the ready. Yeah, I bet he can. Ours is a bond that trancends this mortal coil. I hear a voice behind me. It is Xander, the Whelp. Xander the Loyal, but to the Wrong Party. Well, Buffy is cool, she's a super hero and all, but Xander can't see that Spike stands for the White now. And I correct him that I am NOT a minion, but that Spike and I are partners - that we need each other. Poor, poor Whelp-boy. (A/N: Oooh. That's good. That's a cool new name for him.) So lost and alone, so directionless.

He asks if that is my Game Boy on the kitchen counter. I assure him that it is. Unless it didn't have the Sailor Moon sticker on the back, in which case it belongs to the Other. He looks at me, assessing my strength, I suspect, and then asks if he can borrow it. I wave my hand at him, and tell him material things matter not, but he needs to put new batteries in it when he's done because I don't want to be in the middle of gaming and have a power drain ruin the greatest score ever. He turns and leaves. Simple, simple Xander. Probably just wants to play Tetris or something. He is simple, but Loyal. Like a dog. But he knows Marvel like the back of his hand, and therefore, I may have use for him. I wonder if he ever collected the Marvel Univese trading cards? Waiting around for evil to strike can get boring. I will eat of the Hot Pockets and I will challenge him to a game of Trivial Pursuit, but we will not invite The Witch to play because she cheats.

And so it is in the house of Buffy, waiting for Evil to come upon us, where we will rise victoriously from the ashes, Slayer, Vampyre, and I. And the others upon who's backs we stand.


Comments

( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
elucidate_this
Jul. 2nd, 2005 10:48 am (UTC)
fabulous.

andrew so wrote fic and this is clearly exactly what he wrote.
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 10:51 am (UTC)
Hee!! I think he did, too. He started off Spuffy, but as he got "closer" to the SCoobies, I believe he turned Spander. Ha ha!!
spartan5000
Jul. 2nd, 2005 10:48 am (UTC)
Started laughing at The She-Witch, aka Willow, aka The Black Witch, aka a total cheat at Trvial Pursuit and her recent brush with evil makes her untrustworthy- she could totally be magicking the answers and didn't stop until the end. Thank you!
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 10:52 am (UTC)
You're welcome, and thank YOU!
spikendru
Jul. 2nd, 2005 11:05 am (UTC)
Oh, my freakin' gawd! Yep, Miz Stoney, I'm talkin' to you! Or, should that be 'goddess'? This was just . . . perfect! Is there anything better than perfect? Uber-perfect, perhaps? I adore Andrew, and you have so captured him and his fanfic! I love you! I lick your feet with the love! Please, please tell me there will be more of Andrew's fanfic journal musings in the future! Pretty please?
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 11:11 am (UTC)
I am mesmerized by your icon... I love that he has the little eyebrow scar. Heee!!

Man, I love the Nerd Trio so much. He may need to write more. I woke up with this fic in my head (the whole Deanna Troi scratched-out thing) and just went from there. I'm so glad you liked it!
lynnenne
Jul. 2nd, 2005 01:24 pm (UTC)
This is genius. Andrew *totally* wrote fanfic. And it sounded exactly like this.

Buffy, the Golden Slayer, she who took Evil to her bed twice and triumphed (that is seriously hot)

Bwahahahahaha!

I totally need to write a Jedi tale with Spike. He's like Luke. Golden and lost with a Dark Father. That is so awesome.

OMG DO IT DO IT DO IT!

stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 02:10 pm (UTC)
OMG! I am going to! I may not have anyone reading this, but dammit, it will make me laugh my ass off!!

*loves you*
xanphibian
Jul. 2nd, 2005 04:03 pm (UTC)
*falls out of the chair laughing*
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
*picks you up, rolls you for change*
entrenous88
Jul. 2nd, 2005 04:31 pm (UTC)
Hee! Good clean dorky fun. :)
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:03 pm (UTC)
I loves me some clean, dorky fun. Oh. And you. There's that, too.

:D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:04 pm (UTC)
I have him tied down, yes.

*throws another rug over him to quiet his yelps*
Heee!
ex_dovil323
Jul. 2nd, 2005 04:54 pm (UTC)
It's like you tied up this fictional character and waved a gun at him and made him write this because that IS Andrew. Hilarious and completely on the money, you get an A plus plus plus and a shiny gold star.
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:05 pm (UTC)
I TOLD YOU TO GET THAT CAMERA OUT OF MY HOUSE, D!

*wears star on head, eats paper with A++*

I'm drinking in preparation! Because San Franigan will be the drinking/partying/hilarity olympics!! I'll make us medals and a flag.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:07 pm (UTC)
Andrew can cure most problems. (I have more... Uh...right here if you want.)

Thanks for coming over and giggling! That's my favorite. :D
bitchygrrl
Jul. 2nd, 2005 08:30 pm (UTC)
You kill me with the Big Funny. Please for the love of (God/Allah/Budda/Force/deity of your choice)tell me there will be a jedi spike fic written by Andrew.
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
There just has to be, right?

*writes furiously*
bitchygrrl
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:20 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes there does! *cracks whip to make you write even faster*
leeannaray
Jul. 2nd, 2005 08:37 pm (UTC)
Snorted with laughter all the way through this.

He has a wicked awesome thumb ring. That line just cracked me up.

But he smells so April Fresh... So did that one.
stoney321
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:08 pm (UTC)
HEEE!! You know what's great about you? You're down with the smutty RPS, the silly fluff stuff, and you bring me chocolates.

YOU WIN. :D
leeannaray
Jul. 2nd, 2005 09:18 pm (UTC)
You know what's great about you? You write good smutty RPS, silly fluff stuff, and you're a fabulous hostess. (That's a hint by the way.)
bogwitch
Jul. 3rd, 2005 03:33 am (UTC)
Lovely story. Wonderful Andrew voice.
stoney321
Jul. 3rd, 2005 07:50 am (UTC)
Thank you! :D
paynbow
Jul. 3rd, 2005 10:38 am (UTC)
We climb aboard his motorcycle, after a few minutes of him showing me where to put my feet - I am not Immortal such as he and am afraid of getting burned by the machinery

Buffy, the Golden Slayer, she who took Evil to her bed twice and triumphed (that is seriously hot)

Heeheeheeheehee . . . I LOVE your Andrew! 'My name needs to be shorter...' BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
stoney321
Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:24 pm (UTC)
Hooray!! I love the line "my name needs to be shorter" but I thought it was one of those things that makes ME laugh, but no one else. *whew*

I'm giddy with JOY! *spazzes*
savoytruffle
Jul. 3rd, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
see icon.
stoney321
Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
HEEE!!!! And ditto!
stretfordditto
Jul. 3rd, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
*wipes tears*
stoney321
Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:25 pm (UTC)
*offers tissue*

I'll just hope those were tears of MIRTH and not sorrow from me screwing things up for you, mm'kay? :-D
crayonbreakygal
Jul. 3rd, 2005 05:23 pm (UTC)
Never thought if Andrew would write fanfic. He totally would.

This is such a great companion piece to his videos. So funny, yet in a way, some of it is true. You have some great lines in here, missy. Is there more? I hope there is more. I always liked Andrew. I want more!!
stoney321
Jul. 3rd, 2005 06:27 pm (UTC)
I had those videos in my head while I wrote this. The vamPYREs. HA HA!! I frickin' love Andrew. The whole Hot Pocket with his name on the box and Faith walking in eating the last bite... BWEEE!

I have more in my head, if you want it. :-D
willowgreen
Jul. 3rd, 2005 07:06 pm (UTC)
That was just hilarious, exactly what I needed. Thank you!
stoney321
Jul. 4th, 2005 06:08 am (UTC)
Hooray! Glad I could provide some laughs! That's like, my mission statement in life. :-D
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 4th, 2005 06:11 am (UTC)
Casino? Are you going to start doing drugs and fucking my best friend? I'll buy you a fur!

Do you know how hard it was to have this posted and not have YOU arouond to read it? Because I write this shit for YOU? (And Caza. The Deanna Troi cross-out was ALLLLLL for him.) Did you like the bit (okay, if you don't know that I'm a whore for your thoughts by now, we are just not BFLJ) the whole dried tears/Spock doodle next to Faith's name? HA HA!!!

I'm sending you an email. The parody I'm working on? Is getting completely re-written.
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 4th, 2005 10:11 am (UTC)
Thanks, Anne!! I'm glad you liked this. This was so much fun to write. I just *love* Andrew.
winterlive
Jul. 4th, 2005 11:37 am (UTC)
it's "vorpal".

*cries out as the last vestiges of coolness are purged from my system*
stoney321
Jul. 4th, 2005 11:51 am (UTC)
Hee!! Fixed, and slapped my husband on the arm. He is the keeper of all D&D knowledge, but he is also the keeper of bad spelling.

But what did you THINK about it?? *worries*
:-D
winterlive
Jul. 4th, 2005 12:01 pm (UTC)
OMG EXCEPTIONAL IN EVERY WAY! The troika rules, especially Andrew. Simple, simple Xander. Brilliant, Stoney. BRILLIANT.

You made my inner geek become my outer geek for a moment there... but I defeated it! *cling*
likeadeuce
Jul. 4th, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC)
perfect!!!!
Andrew as Spike's Padawan just ROCKS!!! And in a weird way, it's actually sweet that Spike pretends he isn't actually sleeping through Andrew's story.

Wow, there was so much in here to love, but just this whole paragraph:

He has a wicked awesome thumb ring. And the ladies love him. How could they resist? Once tortured and confused but now fights the fight for Good... He's like Wolverine, except that Wolverine was never evil and has brown hair. But cool and aloof like Wolverine, yes
stoney321
Jul. 4th, 2005 09:21 pm (UTC)
Heh. You said Padawan. And knew it was capitalized. :-D
*unites in geekdom*

I'm glad someone liked the Wolverine reference. Heee! My boy knows his comics. (Isn't one of the action figures that Buffy picks up when she finds the Troika one of the Fray characters? I may be wrong on that one...)
marlo
Jul. 5th, 2005 05:55 pm (UTC)
the thumb ring! haha! I'd forgotten about that.

The following things made me laugh out loud:

Counsellor Troi
YES. I prefer Doctor Crusher, myself. I actually have a poster of Gates McFadden on my wall, mainly because my friend was getting rid of it and I thought it would be hilarious to have a poster of Gates McFadden. ;)

it keeps the bugs from hitting my teeth. That part about motorcycles is really gross.
This is SO Andrew-voice!

(A/N: is this way too long? I need a new name)
Andrew-voice again!

Trapped. But friends like he and I are never trapped when we are togther. I have to remind him of this several times.
I love that he just doesn't get it.

Also, I think she senses the bond between Spike and I and is, like, super jealous. You aren't the only golden one, Miss Thing, and Jedi Knights are not allowed to know the pleasures of a woman.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Unless it didn't have the Sailor Moon sticker on the back, in which case it belongs to the Other.
Funny 'cause it's SO ANDREW!

but we will not invite The Witch to play because she cheats
read: she WINS!

Seriously, you fucking nailed Andrew. I wish I could nail Andrew, but unfortunately I don't have boyparts.
stoney321
Jul. 5th, 2005 06:01 pm (UTC)
WHEEE!!! I'm glad you liked it. And IMO, I have it that the troika would be into Deanna Troi because of her overt womanly-ness, you know? Dr. Crusher is too strong and independent. You know, all the "Daddy/Baby" talk Warren did... They like the characiture. (sp?)

Of course the Jedi/Marvel/manga/D&D/Trogdor stuff was for you to laugh at.

you could get nailed BY andrew? :-D
bonniebo
Jul. 8th, 2005 12:20 pm (UTC)
*picking myself up off the floor**
(after rolling there, laughing my a** off)

very funny indeed ... I don't know whether hearing Andrew's voice is a blessing or a curse. Either way, I hope you hear (and write) more ...
stoney321
Jul. 8th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
(psst: you can say ass here. I've said much worse. :-D)

There should be more soon... I can never stay away from the funny for long... THANKS!!
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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