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In which I fulfill my calling.

I like to think I have one. Hush.

Okay, my sacred duty is to make people feel better. It's a character trait of my people. Heh. I wanted to put some soothing music up, but ANYONE could do that. And so, I give you a kick-ass song that makes me LAUGH AND LAUGH. Nothing like gratuitous swearing to make you feel better. Now, if Mr. Stoney will only get home on a safe flight without giving me a coronary, I'll be much better. I need all my ducklings swimming in their line behind me...

*smooch*

The Dan Band - Total Eclipse of the Heart (From Old School)

In case that one above runs out... here ya go.

"Ah Jesus, once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm fucking falling apart."
BEST. WEDDING BAND. PERFORMANCE. EVER. HA HA HA!!!

Feel free to spam this entry with jokes, hilarity, but no mimes. Or carnies. KTHX.

Comments

( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
hellziggy
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:13 pm (UTC)
Baby Dolphin Cam!
http://www.mnzoo.org/guests/SpecialEvents/dolphincam.asp

Not teh funny, but it is teh cute!
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
EEE!!! Animals. Always of the happy making.

On a side note, MEERKAT!
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sweptawaybayou
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she kept throwing away the W's.

(courtesy of my son ... who is now on a mission to find me a better joke or he will be grounded for the rest of the summer)
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
This works best if you can imagine a really good Irish brogue...

A man is taking a leak in a public restroom when a small man, about two feet tall walks in, dressed head to toe in green. But what's amazing is the trouser snake he whips out at the urinal. A good 18 inches. The guy can't help but look, and the little fella sees him and winks.

"Hey, man, nothing like that, just... That's a pretty impressive tool you're working with there."

"Ah, sure and I'm a leprechaun. And as certain as I can grant gifts to others, I can grant them to meself, can't I now?"

"No shit! A leprechaun? Think I can get one of those, then?"

"Aye, but there's a price you'll have to pay. You'll have to let me stick this in yer bum."

The guys zips up, and makes to leave with a "fuck, no!" expression on his face when he realizes just what he'll end up with. Resigned, he turns to the green wee man and says, "Fine, but in the stall so no one will see, and make it quick."

He goes into the stall, pants pooled around his ankle and the little man climbs up him and starts going at it. Naturally, the man is in pain. He's groaning and biting back a scream when the wee man starts talking to him.

"What would yer name be, man?"

*groan* "Jim!"

"Now, about how old would ya be there, Jim?"

*muffled scream* "32!"

"Well, Jim, what's a man of the age of 32 still doing believing in leprechauns?"

:-D

... - sweptawaybayou - Jul. 7th, 2005 12:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - winterlive - Jul. 7th, 2005 01:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jul. 7th, 2005 02:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - sweptawaybayou - Jul. 7th, 2005 02:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
HA!!! - stoney321 - Jul. 7th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
*loves you all up and down* - sweptawaybayou - Jul. 7th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
sdwolfpup
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)
One of my favorite jokes
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 Am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elomos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
Re: One of my favorite jokes
BWEEEEE!!!

I posted my favorite bar joke (okay, it's filthy but I worked on the comedy circuit for a few years. I only know dirty jokes) above this one.

Keep 'em coming! "Ah, Jesus, I need you now, tonight! I fucking need you more than ever!" PLEASE tell me you've seen Old School.
I believe in leprechauns!! - sdwolfpup - Jul. 7th, 2005 12:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
Stay Classy. - stoney321 - Jul. 7th, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
HEEEE!! - stoney321 - Jul. 7th, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
spikendru
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:35 pm (UTC)
No mimes. Or carnies? You dissin' dovil's circus fic request? I'm deeply hurt. Wounded to the core, that you are rejecting my Xander!Mime (and carnies!) *sob*

'K. How about a silly video? About hats. In the Buffyverse. See, you're laughing already. http://bronze-ambition.net/wp/?p=69
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:45 pm (UTC)
Ah ha haha ha ha!!!!

CARNIES!!! yikes, man. I wrote them into my first Spuffy fic just so I could make fun of them. Because I'm sad and have too much time on my hands.

YOUR ICON IS HILAIRTY ITSELF. :-D
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leeannaray
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:48 pm (UTC)
This is the only joke I remember. So please forgive me if I've told it to you before.

A baby Polar Bear goes to his mom and asks "Mom, are you sure I'm a Polar Bear?" "Yes, son" says his mom. "Are you sure I'm not a Panda Bear, or a Brown Bear?" "No son, I'm sure you're a Polar Bear" "Ok" he sighs.

Then the baby Polar Bear goes to his dad. "Dad, are sure I'm a Polar Bear, not a Koala Bear, or Grizzly Bear, or something?" "No son, I'm sure you're a Polar Bear. Why do you ask?" "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:50 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEEE!!!!

*luffs*

That's a great one.
cityphonelines
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
I dl it but... I already have it on two mix CDs/lameness.
I'm sleepy, I got nothin'. Nothin' but love for you baby.


*mimes*
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:36 pm (UTC)
AHHHH!!!

*squashes your shrinking box*

Hey, if I sent you a pic, would you make me an icon? I fucking suck at making them. *blinks becomingly*
... - cityphonelines - Jul. 7th, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
<-- just 'cause
Heee!! I read that, too.

That song makes me so happy. Mostly (newt) Mostly it's the "dah dah dah DAH!" at the end where they move their hands up and down like good little pop stars. Heee!!

I had a Jude Law-a-thon last night. Let me just say this: Enemy at the Gates is a great movie, but all I care about is chapter 15 on the DVD. unfortunately, I'd be making the "AHHH!! I'm fucking Jude Law!" face just like Rachel Weisz in that scene.

THAT is where the phrase "Man Pants" came from. I would be like an Indian warrior, skin him, and wear him for strength. No, that ISN'T creepy, Mr. Parole officer.
(Deleted comment)
Re: <-- just 'cause - stoney321 - Jul. 7th, 2005 03:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
winterlive
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:47 pm (UTC)
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
winterlive
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
... - stoney321 - Jul. 7th, 2005 02:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
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... - paynbow - Jul. 7th, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
paynbow
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
I only gots the one crappy joke at the moment: What do you call a Leprechaun that lives on your porch?

Patty O'Furniture.

Badum Ching!

*crickets*
paynbow
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:22 pm (UTC)
Okay, thought of another one. Here's my doozie . . . which I may have told before. I can't remember . . .

Vampire walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a cup of blood, please," and the bartender says, "we don't serve blood here." So the vampire pushes a gold coin across the counter and says, "please." So the bartender, motivated by fellow feeling and N OT the huge, honkin gold coin, runs down to the basement and kills a rat. He squeezes the blood into a cup and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks his blood, nods, and leaves the coin on the counter.

The vampire develops a routine, coming into the bar to buy his blood from the bartender, and the bartender begins to farm rats in the basements, it's so lucrative.

About a month later the vampire sits on his regular stool and says to the bartender, "I'd like a mug of hot water, please." The bartender is confused. "But you're a vampire!" He cries. "You drink blood, not water!" The vampire holds up a used tampon and says, "I'll be having tea tonight."
chantal87
Jul. 7th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC)
This is the best song ever.
I have put it on most the mix cd's I have in the car.
It's fucking awesome.

BLUE !!! YOURE MY BOY!!!!
phfeenikz
Jul. 7th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC)
That fucking reminds me of something that fucking Jack Black would do ;-) It figures, because some of his humor would be right up your alley.
mskakaako
Jul. 11th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)
I effin' thought I commented on this effin' post. I must be on the effin' crack.

That part in Old School killed me. I loved the reactions of the wedding guests. Bwahahahaha!!!
( 42 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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