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In which I fulfill my calling.

I like to think I have one. Hush.

Okay, my sacred duty is to make people feel better. It's a character trait of my people. Heh. I wanted to put some soothing music up, but ANYONE could do that. And so, I give you a kick-ass song that makes me LAUGH AND LAUGH. Nothing like gratuitous swearing to make you feel better. Now, if Mr. Stoney will only get home on a safe flight without giving me a coronary, I'll be much better. I need all my ducklings swimming in their line behind me...


The Dan Band - Total Eclipse of the Heart (From Old School)

In case that one above runs out... here ya go.

"Ah Jesus, once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm fucking falling apart."

Feel free to spam this entry with jokes, hilarity, but no mimes. Or carnies. KTHX.


( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:13 pm (UTC)
Baby Dolphin Cam!

Not teh funny, but it is teh cute!
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
EEE!!! Animals. Always of the happy making.

On a side note, MEERKAT!
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:12 pm (UTC)
If you ever make it to Minnesota I promise to show you meerkats! And tigers, and wolves, and red pandas, and tamarins. :)
I love my zoo!
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

Because she kept throwing away the W's.

(courtesy of my son ... who is now on a mission to find me a better joke or he will be grounded for the rest of the summer)
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:32 pm (UTC)
This works best if you can imagine a really good Irish brogue...

A man is taking a leak in a public restroom when a small man, about two feet tall walks in, dressed head to toe in green. But what's amazing is the trouser snake he whips out at the urinal. A good 18 inches. The guy can't help but look, and the little fella sees him and winks.

"Hey, man, nothing like that, just... That's a pretty impressive tool you're working with there."

"Ah, sure and I'm a leprechaun. And as certain as I can grant gifts to others, I can grant them to meself, can't I now?"

"No shit! A leprechaun? Think I can get one of those, then?"

"Aye, but there's a price you'll have to pay. You'll have to let me stick this in yer bum."

The guys zips up, and makes to leave with a "fuck, no!" expression on his face when he realizes just what he'll end up with. Resigned, he turns to the green wee man and says, "Fine, but in the stall so no one will see, and make it quick."

He goes into the stall, pants pooled around his ankle and the little man climbs up him and starts going at it. Naturally, the man is in pain. He's groaning and biting back a scream when the wee man starts talking to him.

"What would yer name be, man?"

*groan* "Jim!"

"Now, about how old would ya be there, Jim?"

*muffled scream* "32!"

"Well, Jim, what's a man of the age of 32 still doing believing in leprechauns?"


Jul. 7th, 2005 12:52 pm (UTC)
Rotten Johnny came home from school and told his mother that he had sex with his teacher that day.

"Oh! You go to your room, young man. Just wait until your father gets home!"

When Rotten Johnny's father arrived at home, his wife told him what Johnny had done and he went up to his son's room.

"Son, you know your mother is very, very mad right now and I am supposed to be up here punishing you. But to tell you the truth, when I was your age, I had crushes on a few of my teacher's also. Man, some of those new teacher's were so pretty and the way they would bend over at the front of the class or cross their legs ... I'm actually proud of you, son. So tell you what, in a few weeks, when this blows over, I'll buy you a new bike, okay?"

"That's great, dad. But can you wait at least three? My asshole is really burning."
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:44 pm (UTC)

omg i love you h0rs leik whoa. *scrubs brain*
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:43 pm (UTC)

Rotten Johnny's class was learning to use difficult words in a sentence. The teacher would go around the room, ask them to say a three syllable word, then use it in a sentence.

By the time the teacher got to him, she was prepared for the worst.


Okay, she thought, it's base and gross, but... "Okay, Johnny. Use it in a sentence."

"Urinate, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a ten."
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:56 pm (UTC)
Rotten Johnny was in class and his teacher asked all the students to write down everything they knew about sex. Johnny thought and thought and filled up one side of his paper, then the back and he raised his hand.

"Yes, Johnny?" His teacher asked.

"May I have another piece of paper?" Johnny asked.

"Yes." His teacher handed him one and watched as Johnny started writing again, his tongue poking out between his lips as his pencil moved over the paper.

He raised his hand again and his teacher sighed.

"No, Johnny. You may not have another piece of paper. I'm sure that whatever you've already written will be enough to discuss."

"No, teacher, I just need to know how to spell whoom."

"Womb?" His teacher asked, "As in, a baby grows inside of a mother's womb?"

"No," Johnny said, shaking his head. "Like the sound two elephants make when they are fucking ... you know ... Whooom! Whoooom!"
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:06 pm (UTC)
Here's a two-fer:

The teacher asks her class to draw something on the board that's exciting. Rotten Johnny walks to the chalkboard and draws a dot. "What's that?" the teacher asks. "A period." "Well, what's so exciting about a period?" querries the teacher.

Johnny says, "I don't know, but my sister missed one today and my mom fainted, my dad got his gun, and the mailman passed out."

Two guys walk into a bar, which is odd, because you'd think the other guy would've ducked.

(My favorite joke EVER.)
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:10 pm (UTC)
*loves you all up and down*
The teacher asked little Johnny, "What's two and two?". He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, "Four, teacher?".

She said, " Yes, that's right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what's three and three".

He put his hands behind his back, fumbled around, and answered, "Six, teacher?".

She said, "Yes, that's right, but you're still counting on your fingers. Put your hands in your pockets and tell me what's five and five".

He put his hands in his pockets, fumbled around, and replied, "Eleven, teacher?".

Jul. 7th, 2005 12:24 pm (UTC)
One of my favorite jokes
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 Am, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elomos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee.

She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:34 pm (UTC)
Re: One of my favorite jokes

I posted my favorite bar joke (okay, it's filthy but I worked on the comedy circuit for a few years. I only know dirty jokes) above this one.

Keep 'em coming! "Ah, Jesus, I need you now, tonight! I fucking need you more than ever!" PLEASE tell me you've seen Old School.
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:37 pm (UTC)
I believe in leprechauns!!
*laughing* That is so, so wrong, but so, so funny.

And of COURSE I've seen Old School. Will Ferrell is my hero. The man is fearless. Have you seen Anchorman?
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:44 pm (UTC)
Stay Classy.
Dude, I own just about everything Will is in. "I'm in a glass room of emotional PAIN."

I wish you weren't such a whore. Why don't you go back to Whore Island, Whore?


I have big, big love for you right now.
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:51 pm (UTC)
You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair.
And the news anchor fight? OH EM GEE.

"Don't you know I'd never say fuck! Fuck!"

"Oh, I'm storming your castle on my steed, m'lady. "

Many, many quotes from the movie.
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC)
You have a 60% chance of scoring 100% of the time.

Oh, GOD. It smells like... a used baby diaper filled with Indian food.
No, it smells like the inside of a fake leg.

Jul. 7th, 2005 12:35 pm (UTC)
No mimes. Or carnies? You dissin' dovil's circus fic request? I'm deeply hurt. Wounded to the core, that you are rejecting my Xander!Mime (and carnies!) *sob*

'K. How about a silly video? About hats. In the Buffyverse. See, you're laughing already. http://bronze-ambition.net/wp/?p=69
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:45 pm (UTC)
Ah ha haha ha ha!!!!

CARNIES!!! yikes, man. I wrote them into my first Spuffy fic just so I could make fun of them. Because I'm sad and have too much time on my hands.

Jul. 7th, 2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
Hey, I wrote a carnie fic too! But the carnie (and the bear he owned -- are bears carnies if they work with them?) were the only sane ones in the story. =P
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:35 pm (UTC)
You did??? Heee!! Now you have to link me. I could use the laugh.

Rain + 3 kids + mommy not leaving the house for FIVE FUCKING DAYS = need for fic.

I'm wrasslin' with my last chapter of the Obi-Ani fic, and then I have you bookmarked. New chapter up today, yeah? Woot!

Jul. 7th, 2005 03:46 pm (UTC)
Sure -- it's silliness galore. Spike, Dru, and the explanation for why Spike really doesn't like bears in "Pangs". Pre-canon: A Very Growly Baby.

Good luck with that last chapter! **rubs your shoulders and gets alllll the knots out**
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:48 pm (UTC)
This is the only joke I remember. So please forgive me if I've told it to you before.

A baby Polar Bear goes to his mom and asks "Mom, are you sure I'm a Polar Bear?" "Yes, son" says his mom. "Are you sure I'm not a Panda Bear, or a Brown Bear?" "No son, I'm sure you're a Polar Bear" "Ok" he sighs.

Then the baby Polar Bear goes to his dad. "Dad, are sure I'm a Polar Bear, not a Koala Bear, or Grizzly Bear, or something?" "No son, I'm sure you're a Polar Bear. Why do you ask?" "Because I'm fucking freezing!"
Jul. 7th, 2005 12:50 pm (UTC)


That's a great one.
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
I dl it but... I already have it on two mix CDs/lameness.
I'm sleepy, I got nothin'. Nothin' but love for you baby.

Jul. 7th, 2005 02:36 pm (UTC)

*squashes your shrinking box*

Hey, if I sent you a pic, would you make me an icon? I fucking suck at making them. *blinks becomingly*
Jul. 7th, 2005 06:47 pm (UTC)
But of course. Send away.
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:40 pm (UTC)
<-- just 'cause
Heee!! I read that, too.

That song makes me so happy. Mostly (newt) Mostly it's the "dah dah dah DAH!" at the end where they move their hands up and down like good little pop stars. Heee!!

I had a Jude Law-a-thon last night. Let me just say this: Enemy at the Gates is a great movie, but all I care about is chapter 15 on the DVD. unfortunately, I'd be making the "AHHH!! I'm fucking Jude Law!" face just like Rachel Weisz in that scene.

THAT is where the phrase "Man Pants" came from. I would be like an Indian warrior, skin him, and wear him for strength. No, that ISN'T creepy, Mr. Parole officer.
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:08 pm (UTC)
Re: <-- just 'cause

But back to Jude and how one day I will fuck him raw... And then his best friend Ewan shows up and we have a hot three-way. It starts off as a two way with me and Ewan, because see above about raw, but you know. He heals fast and stuff.

Oh, and I'm totally fit and am having a great hair day. And wearing really sexy 5 inch shoes so my legs look great.

Yeah. Back to that.
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:47 pm (UTC)
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Jul. 7th, 2005 01:54 pm (UTC)
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Jul. 7th, 2005 02:41 pm (UTC)
I am crazy in love with you.

JOKES!! All that and jokes, too. *beams*
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:02 pm (UTC)
*glomps you mercilessly*
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:15 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 7th, 2005 03:14 pm (UTC)
I only gots the one crappy joke at the moment: What do you call a Leprechaun that lives on your porch?

Patty O'Furniture.

Badum Ching!

Jul. 7th, 2005 03:22 pm (UTC)
Okay, thought of another one. Here's my doozie . . . which I may have told before. I can't remember . . .

Vampire walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like a cup of blood, please," and the bartender says, "we don't serve blood here." So the vampire pushes a gold coin across the counter and says, "please." So the bartender, motivated by fellow feeling and N OT the huge, honkin gold coin, runs down to the basement and kills a rat. He squeezes the blood into a cup and serves it to the vampire. The vampire drinks his blood, nods, and leaves the coin on the counter.

The vampire develops a routine, coming into the bar to buy his blood from the bartender, and the bartender begins to farm rats in the basements, it's so lucrative.

About a month later the vampire sits on his regular stool and says to the bartender, "I'd like a mug of hot water, please." The bartender is confused. "But you're a vampire!" He cries. "You drink blood, not water!" The vampire holds up a used tampon and says, "I'll be having tea tonight."
Jul. 7th, 2005 05:41 pm (UTC)
This is the best song ever.
I have put it on most the mix cd's I have in the car.
It's fucking awesome.

Jul. 7th, 2005 11:58 pm (UTC)
That fucking reminds me of something that fucking Jack Black would do ;-) It figures, because some of his humor would be right up your alley.
Jul. 11th, 2005 09:06 pm (UTC)
I effin' thought I commented on this effin' post. I must be on the effin' crack.

That part in Old School killed me. I loved the reactions of the wedding guests. Bwahahahaha!!!
( 42 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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