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In which I post some GEN fic for a change!

But only because it was an ASSIGNMENT. This journal will revert to baddirtywrongness later. But for now....

Written for the MOPEathon, headed by crazydiamondsue and brandil

Xander: Character Study/GEN fic
Setting: Post "Lover's Walk," or Cordelia's discovery of Willow and Xander's make-out session.
Song: Ray Charles', 'I'm Busted' and it WAS on an album with some of his country stuff, so gimmie a break. :-D


"Yes, Please Tell Me About YOUR Bad Day."

~*~*~*~


"Stupid. That was stupid. Hottest girl in school. With the guh and the whoa and the eye popping? STUPID. Guys like me don't get girls like Cordelia. Huh. Who am I kidding? Guys like me don't get girls like WILLOW. Man, is she looking hot lately... The way that red hair swings on her shoulders, and her cute fuzzy sweaters, and she smells so... What the hell is wrong with me? Yeah, my life isn't complicated."

Xander continued walking down the bike path next to Sunnydale Memorial Cemetary, intent on seeing Giles and getting someone, anyone, to talk to him and tell him what was happening with Cordelia and Willow. Cordy had made it clear that Xander wasn't welcome back at the hospital, or pretty much welcome on planet Earth, and Willow wasn't ready to talk to him about getting caught. Or make out anymore.

"Man. It can't get much worse."

"See, that's where you'd be wrong."

Xander whirled around, fists at the ready, cringe creeping up his features, as he braced himself for horns, demonic strength, maybe some flying goo that stung... What he found was worse.

"Hey... Faith."

"Getting in a little masculine blubbering before noon?"

"Okay! Always a pleasure."

Xander made a low bow, turned and huffed an exasperated sigh as he resumed his walk n' talk on the way to Giles' place.

"Does she even own any pants other than leather? Not that I'm compaining but... Harris! Jesus jumped up and got horny! Enough already."

"You always talk to yourself when you walk? Didn't think you could do that. Hey, here's a stick of gum. Come on: it'll be funny to watch you fall down."

"Do you mind? I'm having a conversation here."

Faith raised an eyebrow, looked around.

"Yeah. So! How's the slaying?"

"Whatever. Listen, I'm waiting on a guy that has a thing and owes me some stuff. Why don't you give me a twenty and we'll call it even?"

"Even?"

"Yeah. Man, just standing next to you is making me lose cool points. And if anyone worth anything was nearby? This?" She pointed at herself, then Xander, and then back to her chest. "Would not happen. Period. So. About that twenty.... Ten, five, and five ones, two tens, whatever."

"Yeah. See, I don't have twenty, and even if I did I- "

But Faith had bailed with a "pfft" and a muttered "loser" under her breath.

"Nice to see you, Faith! I'll just take this last shred of dignity I have left and - WATCH OUT!"

A kid, swathed in elbow pads, knee pads, and helmet, rode towards him wobbling left and right, and apparently, unable to stop himself. At the last second, Xander stepped off the path and right into -

"Shit! Oh, sorry. Crap!"

Xander hopped one-legged over to a tree and used a few fallen leaves to clean off the mess from the bottom of his lug-soled boot. Apparently, the mess he stepped in was not just offensive to HIS nostrils, but to a stray German shepherd that happened to be passing by. The dog bared his teeth and growled low in his throat.

"Nice doggie. Sandy? Uh... Rin Tin Tin? Lassie?"

The dog apparently was offended at being called a female name and lunged, grabbed the edge of the boot, and chomped down on a good portion of Xander's pants in addition. Xander wrapped his arms around the base of the tree and tugged his leg trying to free it. The dog let go and lunged at him again, grabbed on to the heel of Xander's boot, and gave a good yank of his own. Xander shook his leg from side to side, and gave a loud bellow for good measure.

The boot slipped free, and the dog trotted off with it happily trapped in his jowls.

Xander, wry grin firmly in place, stood, dusted off his pants, and started back on his trek to Giles' house. And stepped ankle deep in a sludgy puddle. Some nimrod gave him a round of applause. He gave a little smile, all while thinking death, daggers and a good, sound flaying for the jerk, then slosh-stomped the remaining way to his Scoobie meeting, passing gawkers and mothers who pulled their children off the walkway and away from the growling, filthy boy.

"The wooden door of safety," Xander sighed, as he rested his palms and forehead on the last remaining barrier to friends and comfort. A sudden, plopping wetness on his shoulder.

"You have to be kidding me." He looked up and saw a pigeon on the top of the doorframe who was looking down at him questioningly.

"Giles!!" Xander pounded his fist on the door. "Giles! Open up! Hurry!"

Giles opened the door, Buffy was behind him, standing against the stair rail. "Good lord, Xander. The door is open, for heaven's sake."

Xander headed straight for the credenza where the donuts were waiting. "Ah, jelly donut. You take all the pain away."

He bit into the raspberry-filled donut to find -

"Lemon? Yeeuch." Xander walked around the corner and spat the offending filling into the sink, and missed entirely. His shirt and crotch were now bathed in yellow goo and half-chewed donut.

"Okay. That's it," He turned towards his friends, hands in the air with pointy fingers, not caring that powder from the donut flew out of his mouth, or that he was squishing the filling down his arm. "No more pooping or biting or spooging on me any MORE!"

Buffy looked askance at the messy boy raving in the kitchen. "Spooging? Where have you been this morning? 'Rods?' "

Giles did a double take at his ward, muttered something about girls in his day and propriety, all while cleaning his glasses. He tossed a tea towel to Xander and began outlining the attack plan for the latest Big Bad.

"Xander, you will put on this, " Giles handed over a drawing of what appeared to be-

"Bloody entrails? You want me to, what? WEAR THEM?"

"Yes. We'll drape them about your body, you'll lie in wait on a park bench, and when the Gordok demon smells them, he'll come to you."

Buffy interrupted, "And something in the guts gets him all... Uh, ready. So when he flares his... Giles?"

"Thank you, Buffy. He'll flare his genitalia, then come at you, at which point he will be vulnerable and Buffy can then-"

Xander stood without a word. He walked up to Giles and slapped his face. Turned. Walked out of the apartment. Walked straight home. Ignored his mother screaming at him for forgetting to take out the trash. Nodded at his dad who was calling him an idiot who couldn't remember anything. Headed down the stairs to the basement. Crawled under the table where the laundry was folded after snagging his Star Wars fleece blanket and went to sleep, thumb securely plugged in his mouth.

~*~*~*~

Comments

( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
tx_cronopio
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:37 am (UTC)
Tee-hee! No fair making me have fun on Monday morning when I have to go back to the Salt Mines.

And if Xander had ever done that in canon, I would like him SO MUCH BETTER.
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:40 am (UTC)
BWAH! What? Slap Giles? Crawl under a counter and hidesleep?

:-D

I don't have a Xander icon, so I'll let Ewan speak for him. *points to icon*
tx_cronopio
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:45 am (UTC)
mmm... Xander slapping Giles... :)
tx_cronopio
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:46 am (UTC)
Everyone writes Giles as a dom, and yep, that works, but I also have some lovely fantasies in which he is very, very sub... Oh, well, I have to go to work anyway.
munin
Jul. 12th, 2005 08:25 pm (UTC)
Mmm.. you wouldn't want to put any of those fantasies (dom OR sub) down on... screen, would you? I'm generally of the Giles-the-dom group but for the right boy... oh yes, he'd be sooooo pretty as a sub.
hellziggy
Jul. 11th, 2005 10:43 am (UTC)
<- Everyone needs a "Bite me" icon!
Yay! It's a Jossverse Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day !!
You do funny so well Stoney!

*hugs you*
winterlive
Jul. 11th, 2005 11:35 am (UTC)
*flails* YES! YES IT IS!

*adores*
sweptawaybayou
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:47 am (UTC)
omg. Could anyone have written a better bad day for Xander? Dude ... that was harsh and wonderful!

*smooches you*
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 07:15 am (UTC)
HEEE!! And can I say *guh* to your icon??

Also, writing that RPS for you has been CATHARTIC. I want to buy you a pony. I'll tide you over with a pony cake until then, mm'kay?

*rubs your shoulder, steals a peek down your blouse*
bitchygrrl
Jul. 11th, 2005 07:14 am (UTC)
Ha,ha. Aww poor Xander. *pets Xander and gives him a jelly donut* Love the Giles slapping. You can never have enough Giles slapping.
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 07:16 am (UTC)
Ha! My husband laughed out loud at that bit. Which either means it's good or really crappy. I love him, but he's not always the best judge of what works... :-D

*give YOU a jelly donut*
bitchygrrl
Jul. 11th, 2005 08:23 am (UTC)
*wipes jelly off chin* No it works. I can just see the shock on Giles' face, his mouth making a little "o". So cute, so funny. Mind you i could just feel thay way because I've had a crush on Anthony Head since he was on those Taster's Choice commercials. I miss those.
lynnenne
Jul. 11th, 2005 07:20 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA! Best Xander voice ever. I don't even *read* Xander, and I know it was the best ever. This could have been a missing scene from "The Zeppo." You have a script hidden under your bed, don't you? *checks*
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 10:12 am (UTC)
HEE!! Well, I guess it works out because I don't *write* Xander!

I have skeletons in my closet, but no screenplays under my bed. :-D
spikendru
Jul. 11th, 2005 07:56 am (UTC)
Oh, poor Xander! Definitely Worsr. Day. Evah! *pets poor little put-upon Xander*

Love the Giles-slapping and the "plan" in which all of his friends think it's perfectly okay to drape the Xanman in entrails as bait for a horny, flaring demon! Bwahaha!
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 10:12 am (UTC)
HEE!! Once again, the Gordok demon makes an appearance and NO ONE gets my lame inside joke...

I'm glad I made you laugh! I was nervous about this one...
dlgood
Jul. 11th, 2005 08:52 am (UTC)
Heh. Yeah. That's a bad day.
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 10:13 am (UTC)
Hee!! I've had days like that... But without entrails, of course.
julia_here
Jul. 11th, 2005 09:34 am (UTC)
Ray Charles is too country; Willie Nelson said he was the greates country singer ever, and I figure he would know (and I first heard Ray Charles on the only radio station I could hear in Yelm, which was then and is now country AND western).

And dammit, Xander and I need to stay away from each other, because with luck like his and mine, well, you know the phrase "critical mass?"

Julia, having started the week with a power outage I'm not optimistic about anything except lots of fic that I won't have time to read because I have to finish part 3 of mine
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 10:14 am (UTC)
Oh, yes, I KNOW Ray is country (I love his country music) but this song is classified as a few things, so wanted to make sure people KNEW. There's some youngins about, don't you know.

Three parter?? Man, I feel like a lazy bum. I'll be checking it out!
hellziggy
Jul. 11th, 2005 12:21 pm (UTC)
He bit into the raspberry-filled donut to find -

"Lemon? Yeeuch."


Xan's got the right idea. Raspberry=yummy. Lemon=yeeuch!
But even worse than getting lemon instead of raspberry is when you are told that it's raspberry & it's the right color and you get cherry! Double Yeeuch!
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC)
I CONCUR. Lemon donuts are bad. Lemon custard for dessert? yes.
brandil
Jul. 11th, 2005 12:41 pm (UTC)
BWA HAHAHAHAHAHA
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 05:09 pm (UTC)
HA HA HA!! The icon of PERFECTION!!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
Hee!! I need to pick up this book apparently. How do I not know this? Children's book, yes?

[/shame]
(Deleted comment)
likeadeuce
Jul. 11th, 2005 02:54 pm (UTC)
hahahaha!

Some days you should never get out of bed. So glad Xander realizes that too!

I loved Faith asking him for a twenty. That's my girl!
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 05:10 pm (UTC)
You KNOW I put the Faith bit in there for you, yes?

:-D
likeadeuce
Jul. 11th, 2005 05:27 pm (UTC)
:)

but of course!
crayonbreakygal
Jul. 11th, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
Poor Xander. He'll be no one's butt monkey again!

Sometimes Giles needs to be slapped. So does Buffy. And Willow. And....

I loved the last part about him and his Star Wars fleece blanket. Can we all go join him now?
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 05:11 pm (UTC)
It'd be a bit crowded, but nice to escape, yes? Hee!

NO MORE BUTT MONKEY!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Spooge!!!
HEEE!! I thought I could get you to laugh at "Rods" and spooge.

I love writing stuff just to make you laugh. Wheeeee!
auroramama
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:29 pm (UTC)
Good for Xander! He put up with the butt monkey role way, way too long. Personally, I think a person ought to be able to coast on saving the Slayer's life for at least three seasons.
stoney321
Jul. 11th, 2005 06:39 pm (UTC)
BWAH! Yes. He should have been given a pass for several seasons, huh?
mskakaako
Jul. 11th, 2005 08:59 pm (UTC)
Bwah! Xander the butt monkey rebels!
stoney321
Jul. 12th, 2005 05:58 am (UTC)
BWEEEE!
ex_dovil323
Jul. 12th, 2005 12:03 am (UTC)
"Thank you, Buffy. He'll flare his genitalia, then come at you, at which point he will be vulnerable and Buffy can then-"

Bwah! That was just the perfect high point of his steadily day of downward spiriling. And that was the first time you've written Xander??!? Because damn, did you get the voice down.

Damn, I say!
stoney321
Jul. 12th, 2005 05:59 am (UTC)
Nothing like making a stuffy British man say "flared genitalia" to make me giggle. It's like arse babies and puking: guaranteed HILARITY!!

I have the voice down because I've drugged Jane Espensen and locked her in my closet. I should be posting a LOT of fic soon.

*cackles*
tesla321
Jul. 12th, 2005 07:53 am (UTC)
Flaring gentitalia? Always comedy gold.
tesla321
Jul. 12th, 2005 07:53 am (UTC)
Or even genitalia.
stoney321
Jul. 12th, 2005 09:10 am (UTC)
Heh. Thanks!!
elcazavampiros
Jul. 12th, 2005 12:00 pm (UTC)
Haven't we all had a day like that?

Sooo funny.
savoytruffle
Jul. 13th, 2005 07:23 pm (UTC)
oh, poor, poor xander. but way to go on the slapping thing!
paynbow
Jul. 31st, 2005 10:07 pm (UTC)
Oh dear! Poor, misused, wubbly Xander! THAT is one aggressively bad day. Loved how he smacked Giles, that was definitely a good *g*
( 46 comments — Leave a comment )

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