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Okay, so there was Wee!Spike yesterday, janedavitt had a funny Clan of the Cave Bear ficlet she posted, and now my brain is broken. So, I'm totally happy right now. :-D

Let's re-visit my old series, "Princess Ninety-Nine Wampum (She Always Under a Buck)" with a new Spander-centric chapter: The Tale of Moon Hair and Beaver.

For those who may not know, this is based on the idea that Spike/Angel/Buffy are Native American Indians. My family's heritage is Choctaw, so don't call the PC police on me, mm'kay? This is HUMOROUS. Or, rather, it's supposed to be. Previous bits are linked under the cut. This is rated: Baptist Offensive, but Unitarian Approved. (I'm trying out a new ratings system.)



Princess Ninety-Nine Wampum (She always under a Buck)

Began Here
Part Two Here

The Tale of Moon Hair and Beaver

Moon Hair had tried to pull Arrows with Chief Warrior Stone Head many times. They went on many long hunts for Buffalo and Elk without other Warriors. Stone Head hissed and shoved Moon Hair from his bed of skins. Moon Hair felt like crying. No! He would not cry. Was he not Arrow Maker for his people? Did he not bring down the Buffalo with one blow? If Stone Head would not pull Arrows, or make the burn like he had sat on a prickly pear, then it would be the uncrossed river for Stone Head. Moon Hair rubbed tallow into his moccassins very roughly for many nights.

The Wise Man of the tribe told him to go to the Place of The Clacking, Fighting Tribe and find He Who Re-Built Many Things That Were Broken Over and Over Again. The People of the Clacking, Fighting Tribe now called him Beaver. Moon Hair thought that was a better name. It was decided that Moon Hair would take the special smoke that brought the Spirits closer. He would bring a vest of beads that told their story. He would go to the River of Many Forks and wait for Beaver to come to him. He would learn his place amongst his own people.

Moon Hair set up his camp at the place near to where the Pines whispered, where the River spoke of its travels to him, and where the Bear did not shit. It was: the edge of the wood. After three days of communicating with the Spirit World and smoking the smoke that brought them closer, a boy approached. He did not look like a Warrior, although he appeared to be of the age of Warriors. He looked nervous. Moon Hair wondered who the boy was.

The boy spoke. He spoke in a way that Moon Hair did not understand. But the boy carried a large quiver of arrows. Or maybe it was just one large Arrow, that quivered. Moon Hair knew his strength made many warriors think of Arrows and pulling. He made a face that made Princess Ninety-Nine Wampum smell like bedding. He put his tongue behind his teeth and smiled. The quivering stopped. The loin cloth on the boy could house two Squaw for a night, if they needed it.

"You must be Moon Hair. I get it. The whole white hair thing you have. Don't think I've ever seen an Indian - oh, in my tribe, we call ourselves Indians. Do you have a word for it?"

Moon Hair tilted his head like the Crow when it looks at a shiny bauble in the sand along the river.

"Uh, do you understand me? Tatonka?"

The strange boy was speaking of Buffalo. This was something Moon Hair understood. "Buffalo. I am he that can kill the Buffalo with one arrow. I am Moon Hair. Tell me your name or I will kill you." Moon Hair drew out his tommahawk, but his heart did not swell with the lust of killing. Instead, his Arrow began to swell with-

"Right. I can't imagine there are a lot of guys that can pass for the name 'Moon Hair.' It's a hunch. How about you put down your scary hatchet thingy, and we sit down? I brought you something."

The boy pulled out a package of what smelled like the smoke that brought the Spirits closer. But... different.

"Oh, hey, I forgot. My 'people'," the boy did a strange curling motion with his two fingers on each hand at the word "people" that confused Moon Hair, "grow a special kind of smoke. Gooood smoke. You likey. We smoke the smoke and then we see what the Spirits say for us to do. Okaaay?"

"Why do you speak to me like I am child that sucks on a Squaw's teat?"

The boy giggled. Moon Hair looked at the boy again like the Crow when it looks at something shiny in the sand.

"Sorry. Teat," and he began to giggle again.

"You are very strange for a Warrior. What is your name?"

"I was He Who Re-Built Many Things That Were Broken Over and Over Again. I told them to just start calling me Beaver. You know, because they build stuff?"

"It is a worthy name. Let us smoke the smoke that will-"

"Yeah, I got what you meant when you said 'let's smoke.' And they say I'm verbose?"

Moon Hair was confused by Beaver. He said many words that Moon Hair did not understand. Moon Hair liked that. Moon Hair was a lover of words. He wrote many songs that he sung in his wigwam about Stone Head and what Warriors did with each other when no one was looking. He wondered if he could tell this Beaver of his love of words...

"You know, I never understood the whole 'burn the whole village down' mentality just because they are White Devils. I mean, not everyone there could be bad, right?"

Moon Hair smiled. He was thinking that Beaver may have been struck in the head by a large stone as a young child. On and on Beaver spoke as they passed the pipe to one another. Beaver leaned back, took the pipe from Moon Hair's hand and spoke.

"Hey, Moon Hair. Wanna see a trick?"

"Silly Beaver. Tricks are for those that still suckle at the Squaw's teat."

Beaver started laughing. As he laughed, he fell backwards, legs spread out, knee-high mocassins sprawled in the sand, making it so Moon Hair had a view of-

"Big Spear. I make the spear and arrows our warriors use to hunt."

"Oh? A fellow artisan, cool."

"Cool? I feel very hot. It is many moons until the cool weather comes."

"Never mind."

"I am becoming tired. I will lay down now."

"Yeah, you do that. You know, I'm not trying to say anything, or, you know, but it gets pretty cold here in the mountains by the Village of the Clacking, Fighting Tribe. We have a... custom."

"I would hear of this."

"When two warriors sleep near a fire waiting for the Spirits to talk to us, sometimes those two Warriors, just for, you know, being logical, I'm not trying to say anything, just... Well, my people do not find it strange for two warriors to sleep on the same set of skins. For warmth."

Moon Hair thought these were a wise people, indeed. He did not think it possible for the Great Mother to change his Arrow to a Spear, but it felt like all her power was working to do just that.

"I will share your skin."

"'Cause, you know, it just makes sense, if you think about it. You're over there half naked, your hard, Warrior body just sitting there all naked and vulnerable, creamy and pale in the moonlight, and all I have on is this loin cloth and my moccassins that only go to my knees, and to be honest I think I must have worn my small loin cloth because this one doesn't seem like it's even fitting me anymore, and I'm just trying to say that-"

Moon Hair grabbed Beaver by the back of his head and crushed their mouths together. He told himself he would do it to make the boy stop running his mouth like the Babbling Brook. But when he felt the fullness of Beaver's mouth against his own, and when he felt the boy's tongue slide over his own lip, he realized the Great Mother had turned his Arrow into a Spear. And he wanted to pierce a hide with it.

TBC? OKAY, right here!

Comments

( 40 comments — Leave a comment )
hellziggy
Jul. 20th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
I was actually thinking of this fic the other day as I was doing my darker_spike photo manip.
I don't have a Native Angel, or a Native Buffy (although it might be arranged) but there is a Native Spike here: http://www.dreamflyte.com/albums/Misc-photos-for-online/IndianSpike.jpg
Go ahead & take it if you have a use for it. :)
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 12:31 pm (UTC)
<-- has nothing to do with anything. Just have some serious kilt love.
hel-LO! MOON HAIR! That ain't no hair like the silvery moon! :-D

Poor, poor Geronimo... *cries for my Indian Heritage*

Ha ha! I mean, it's a fantasticly done manip, but... Geronimo!
;_;
janedavitt
Jul. 20th, 2005 12:26 pm (UTC)
You have left me speechless. Prickly pears? Creamy and pale in the moonlight? :;dies giggling:: Love it!
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 12:29 pm (UTC)
Hee!! Left you a comment back on your post....

And thanks! Glad I could make you laugh. :-D
bitchygrrl
Jul. 20th, 2005 12:50 pm (UTC)
Had a bad deli trip today (see my journal for explanation), this was just what I needed. * goes off chuckling*
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:20 pm (UTC)
Hooray for laughing!!

There needs to be more of this.

Look! Dueling kissage!
... - bitchygrrl - Jul. 20th, 2005 02:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
ennuigrrl
Jul. 20th, 2005 01:04 pm (UTC)
You gave up on me? :(
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:21 pm (UTC)
DUDE! No you di'int.

You were gone since, like... February! I needed my flist trimmed to save my brain. Nothing personal in any way.
... - ennuigrrl - Jul. 21st, 2005 09:11 am (UTC) - Expand
bisi
Jul. 20th, 2005 01:06 pm (UTC)
Stoney. You are very bad.
*Tuts in a marked manner*
*Falls off chair laughing*
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:22 pm (UTC)
By bad you mean totally awesome, right? HA!

Glad I could make you laugh. It's muuuuusic to my ears.
entrenous88
Jul. 20th, 2005 01:11 pm (UTC)
Moon Hair was confused by Beaver. He said many words that Moon Hair did not understand. Moon Hair liked that. Moon Hair was a lover of words. He wrote many songs that he sung in his wigwam about Stone Head and what Warriors did with each other when no one was looking. He wondered if he could tell this Beaver of his love of words...
Heeeeeeeeee! Moon Hair, you deluded pervy warrior! **loves**

Part II! Yis! There must be more! But you should make sure to name Moon Hair -- Moon Hair Spike'Em. Perhaps after his night with Beaver and the sharing of the *coughs* skins. **waggles eyebrows in completely unnecessary manner**
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:22 pm (UTC)
Wheee!! Although, technically, it would be part IV. :-D

There WILL BE MORE, if you want it. Hooray!!!
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:24 pm (UTC)
Eewasha Inunckeeelo
The whole tallow/moccassin thing was NATURALLY inspired by Farmer Boy, yis.

But that's it? That's all you have to say??? I put so many jokes in there to pep yuh up! Stupid arm hurting! Okay, your arm isn't stupid. I crack wise when I nervous.

You okay, baby?

I forgot to add the bit about the Dawn Key punch.
(Deleted comment)
winterlive
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:30 pm (UTC)
DJKGHPJCCHG.

OMG I love you. You're INSANE. And I love you. *crushes you to my bewbies chest*
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
I AM SO INSANE!!! Whee wheee WOOT! Addie addie addie.

*brrrrrrumski's yer bewbies while I'm there*
... - winterlive - Jul. 20th, 2005 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 04:21 pm (UTC)
I'm not all there. You've picked up on that, right? :-D
greenstone_j
Jul. 20th, 2005 02:47 pm (UTC)
Oh! Do be careful with that spear, Moon Hair...*falls down laughing* Oh, so happy to see more of this...I would ask if there is a native american "Can I have some more p0rn?" dance, but hey, hate to be culturally insenstive...
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 04:22 pm (UTC)
Me thinkum the dance is the dance of the totem pole that throbs like when bee sting on lip.

I got nothing. EXCEPT FOR MORE PORN. Soonish.
somecandytalkin
Jul. 20th, 2005 03:09 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha! You wrote Spander!

"'Cause, you know, it just makes sense, if you think about it. You're over there half naked, your hard, Warrior body just sitting there all naked and vulnerable, creamy and pale in the moonlight, and all I have on is this loin cloth and my moccassins that only go to my knees, and to be honest I think I must have worn my small loin cloth because this one doesn't seem like it's even fitting me anymore, and I'm just trying to say that-"

Is my fave paragraph. And the moccassins that only go to my knees is my fave bit within it.

Yeah, TBC! TBC that mofo right on up!
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 04:23 pm (UTC)
LOOK AT THE BALLS ON BRAD!
I wrote SPander! OMG! Mmmm. Thigh-high mocassins would have been better. Alllllll laced up. What?

I'll fucking TBC this mofo, bitch! You like that? Huh?

We cool like Fonzie.

I shouldn't listen to Pulp Fiction while typing. Aw, shit man. I shot Marvin.
BRAD, BRAD, BRAD! - somecandytalkin - Jul. 20th, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - winterlive - Jul. 20th, 2005 05:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - somecandytalkin - Jul. 21st, 2005 04:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - winterlive - Jul. 21st, 2005 09:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Jul. 20th, 2005 04:25 pm (UTC)
What? You think I'm being inspired by something really horrible? Heeee! I'm going on the Express Train to hell, huh?

I will say this: MINE CAME FIRST. And MINE was MEANT to be a parody. Ahem. HA HA HA!!!

I'm so glad I could help today! I wish I could do more... :-(

*smooshes you to my bewbies with luff*
violethamster
Jul. 20th, 2005 08:45 pm (UTC)
Is it sad that I mourn for the lost love between Stone Head and Moon Hair?

You are a whacky, nutty genius and I love you. There should be no question mark after that TBC, but instead many many !!!!!!11111OMG!!!

If they'd invented TV yet, Beaver and Stone Head would so have their own TV show called "Beaver and Stone Head" where they'd sit all day and watch the shamans drumming and Beaver would giggle manically when anyone said teat and babble incoherently about having teepee for his bunghole.

stoney321
Jul. 21st, 2005 07:38 am (UTC)
If I don't gag myself, I imagine Stone Head will not be pleased with Beaver having a hunt on sacred ground....

Dear God. Someone should shoot me.
zyrya
Jul. 20th, 2005 09:25 pm (UTC)
Yay! I love this story! That'll teach Chief Warrior Stone Head to take his arrow-maker for granted, eh?

I'm confused, though, because there was this: The People of the Clacking, Fighting Tribe now called him Beaver. Moon Hair thought that was a better name. I thought the 'him' was Moon Hair.
stoney321
Jul. 21st, 2005 07:39 am (UTC)
OMG. Like I'd make my beta READ THIS? :-D

Okay, okay....
mskakaako
Jul. 20th, 2005 10:57 pm (UTC)
I can always count on you for a laugh. Teehee.
"Oh? A fellow artisan, cool."
For some reason, this line cracked me up the most. I think it was the "cool" part or it's got a stink hippy vibe.
Hey, where are you? Able to chat now?
stoney321
Jul. 21st, 2005 07:40 am (UTC)
Gargh. Responded to your post about where I was at, yo, last night.

It's cracking me up that everyone else talks in the stereotypical "Indian" speak, while Xander talks like himself.
( 40 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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