Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

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A bit more vodka in that glass, please.

I am a tool. OF THE DEVIL. If I could be the tool of the devil, I'd want to be one of those 16 in 1 pocket screwdrivers with all the spare bits in my handle. And a ratchet action. If I'm going to work for Old Scratch, I may as well be the best little helper in all of Hell.

In other words, school starts tomorrow. And yes, it has been raining. Hard enough to keep the children in doors. Anyone remember what they used at the Hyperion to get that pentagram out of the flooring?


Saturday was my garden club meeting, and NO, for the fiftieth time, I'm not 83. You ask again, and I'll jam a knitting needle in your eye and sic one of my cats on you. Anyhoo... A new lady to our group hosted. She was in our graduating class, seemed nice, but kept to herself. A "Scotty-Dog Applique" with pants that pick up the jacket on the dog type. You know JUST what I'm talking about.

I pull up to her house (which was an amazing Spanish-style mansion right on the lake, uh...), knock on the door, it opens by itself and I walk in. And started gasping. Like, horror movie final reveal gasping. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME are 8 heads mounted on the wall of various antelope. Now, my family has hunters in it: but they hunt for meat, not trophies. I DESPISE trophy hunting. I think it's disgusting. These heads are African antelope in various species, and the size of a quarter-horse. Turn the corner:

ELEPHANT TUSKS. As tall as me. Holy shit. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT IS ILLEGAL AND HAS BEEN SINCE THE 1940S. My father, who rebuilds pianos, has to replace older piano's ivory keys with synthetics. IT'S ILLEGAL TO HAVE THAT. Oh, and there were a bunch of little ones, the length of my arm, too. SO that means they came from babies. If it wasn't for a really good friend coming up to me and pulling me into the party, I would have turned around and left, and I'm still sick with myself for not leaving. But I haven't told you all, oh no.

In the hallway is a fucking BABOON. A baboon. Full body taxedermy. And they have him standing, holding a tray. For coasters. *cries* A puma. Full body, lurking behind a sofa. A ZEBRA. A DRUM made from an elephant leg. It's pretty small, too. *cries more* Chandeliers made from tusks, horns, antlers. Water buffalo heads. You know how old ladies have doilies on the arms, backs of chairs and such? They have pelts like that: racoon pelts and fox pels and who the fuck knows on EVERYTHING. Bear skin rugs.

AND THE WORST: in the "game room" (okay, they took this literally) was a MASSIVE stone set into the wall, say, a ton. (Or tonne, for my metric friends.) Resting on this, as if he has a full belly and can't be bothered to hunt, is the full body of a LEOPARD. Killing predators is wrong. It is WRONG! It is WRONG to kill something to collect a part of it's body, Jame GUMB!!

So, they have a Weimereiner. My second fave dog. (Behind a heeler) She's old and arthritic and her name is Mambo. EEE! She was very sweet and hugged me and let me love on her and I wanted to whisper, "Run, Mambo. When you die, they will mount and stuff you and put in a voice box to make you bark when guests come." Or lure her with my chicken bone and threaten to hurt her: "Don't you hurt my dog!" "Don't you MAKE me hurt your dog, mister!" Three of you get that instantly.

I ask if her husband is a Big Game Hunter. No, no, he's a DEFENSE ATTOURNEY FOR A PHARMECEUTICAL COMPANY. Of course. Of COURSE he is. So basically, he has a long history of justification. I see. Oh, yeah: he's defending the Vioxx case currently. Nice. I called my husband as I left to tell him all about this (Mr. Stoney is a hunter, and I have some issues with it, but he's an old school hunter: you hunt for the meat, and if you can't shoot and kill in one shot, you have no business being out there) and he offered to kick the guy in the nards.

[ETA]for clarity: the husband is a hunter in his spare time. He pays for Big Game Safari outtings. So... it's like in Jurrasic Park with the goat tied up and he's the T-Rex. Fucking disgusting. Yeah, real challenging, Mr. Micro-Penis.

In other news, I dropped in at somecandytalkin's house and visited for a spell. She and her husband are fun. I meeesed her.

Did I mention that school starts tomorrow? Supplies: bought and organized. New school clothes: fit, folded and ready. Doctor visits: all done, clean bill of health. Ortho: holy Jesus, woman. Dentist: no more sugar. Wallet: frickin' EMPTY. And soon the house will be too...

Sorry I haven't been chatty with everyone... I know Susi got a dragon, Posh is back from vacay because I'm getting old replies answered, Dovil's cracking me up, Julia's been in her garden, Sue's been reading HP, Ladycat's A/C went out, and Lynne wrote some ouchie/hot/pretty Connor with Angel and Spike, Anne got back from vacation.... If I missed you, it's because I'm typing with one hand and separating bored kids into corners with the other. ♥ you all!
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