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Sep. 8th, 2005

Because FIRST and FOREMOST my gee dee mission is to bring the funny.

OOOOOH! It's already been BROUGHTEN!
Exhibit A: McSweeny's: Bob Newhart tells The Aristocrats joke.

Exhibit B: McSweeny's: If Hagrid Worshipped Jesus instead of Harry Potter.

[ETA1] Exhibit C: The Onion, god bless 'em, tackles the Katrina issue. The use of "mosey" cracked me up for an hour.

Exhibit D: The Onion: Food Critic Tears Radish Canapes with Salmon Mousse a New Asshole. Again, it's the use of the phrase "skull fuck" that pleases me most.

And it has just been brought to my attention that some people are NOT turned on by Will Ferrell slash. What the fuck? *laughs until I puke* *feels really bad that you had to see me puke* Uh, Tiffany? Keep scrolling. Nothing to see here...

Off to have lunch with my dad - we'll probably argue politics, I'll tell him he's an ass, then we'll crack up over a joke and he'll get the bill. Ahhh... bliss. I love my dad.

[ETA2]: Someone really needs to make an icon with Anderson Cooper or such with the quote by "The Wolf" from Pulp Fiction: let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet, gentlemen. Just me?

So, because some people have serious squicks when it comes to what's attractive, I thought I'd take a bit of a departure and list what totally turns me right the fuck on. Wheeee!!

1) Funny. Absolutely number one. Cannot abide an unfunny man.
2) Smart. Guh. Once got totally hot for a guy just watching him run his finger down a collumn of 6 digit numbers and add them up in his head. Shut it. Mmmmm. Math.
3) EYES. OH MY GOD. *points to husband with eyes of palest blue* Sue? Back me up on this. Thick eyelashes to go with intense color? SWOON.
4) Tight ass. *faints a little*
5) Loooong legs. Mr. S is one of the shorter men in my life at 6'... Long thigh bones, long arms, long torso, long... *cough*
6) FEET. (Vinnie,Tiff: scroll on.) Veiny, tendony, tanned narrow, groomed feet. Bony ankles. Standing in sand.
7) HANDS. Broad, rough, strong.

1) hair. I love long, full hair on girls. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE it when girls can pull off the short, spikey do's.
2) nerdy glasses on a pretty face. Smart chicks rule!
3) girls who don't care about their appearance, yet look like a million bucks. You know who you are.
4) tiny ankles and hands. So delicate and feminine.
5) Lean, strong backs.
6) athletic girl bodies are by far more attractive to me than willowy/weak looking bodies. I appreciate WOMEN'S bodies more than girlie bodies, to be sure
7) long necks.
8) FUNNY WOMEN. Interesting that this is 8... Make this number one, okay? Too lazy to re-number.
9) smart women with BALLS that can tell assholes to shove it. Oooh, I like a woman with chutzpah.

Okay, I'll come up with a bunch more I'm sure... Tell me yours!


( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 8th, 2005 11:29 am (UTC)
my absolute number one boy-kink is voice. speaking voice, I mean. obviously, everybody loves a man who can sing, but that's really secondary to the way he talks. accent is nice, but optional -- I adore Wesley-speaking- British of course, but I like his American voice just as much (esp. on the DVD commentaries, where he always sounds slightly stoned.) there are some accents that are certainly easier/harder to be sexy, but the right pitch and timbre can conquer that. mostly I like voices that are a little deeper and softer than you would expect when you look at the guy (slightly embarrassing example? Bruce Willis). I also have a thing for British/Aussie actors doing American accents (Russell Crowe in "L.A. Confidential"; Christian Bale in "Batman.")

I like girls with shiny hair. Lame but true.

Sep. 8th, 2005 11:44 am (UTC)
Oh, yesh. Mmmmm. Voices. Deeeeeeep and rumbly, for me. Which is funny because Mr. S is a perfect tenor. (Ex Mr. Stoney was as barritone as you could get. Rowr.)

And I KNOW about Bruce Willis! He has a very sexy voice. Of course, I think BRUCE WILLIS is sexy - Pilp Fiction? With the white T and the jacket and the really broken in jeans? *fans self*

Um, yes, Mr. S gets home from his trip tonight, why do you ask? :-D
Sep. 8th, 2005 11:45 am (UTC)
And that would be PULP fiction. PULP.

Sep. 8th, 2005 11:55 am (UTC)
omg! Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction! I thought it was just me. . .

I honestly think that scene where he's in the hotel room with the French girl is the hottest thing I've ever seen in a movie. but if you tell people that, they look at you funny, b/c all anybody remembers is him being in the basement with the Gimp and Marsellus Wallace. I mean, yeah, right AFTER the sexy tender scene, he starts throwing shit at her, but that doesn't change the basic fact. I'm not sure I knew what "oral pleasure" WAS the first time I saw that movie (shetered mormon girl, don't you know). but I was like . . .whatever that is, I need to get me some of it.
Sep. 8th, 2005 12:03 pm (UTC)
HOLY SHIT. "Stop talking in that Mongoloid voice."

Faaaaabriiiiiiiice! I love that whole scene. With her tiny sigh and kittenish moan and speaking French softly? It's AWESOME, Carrie.

*sings Mormon hymn* You're Noooooot alone!
Sep. 8th, 2005 12:16 pm (UTC)
"This is America, lady. Our names don't mean shit."

OK, that's a different scene, but I still had to quote it.

How about, "You wish you had some POT?"

Now I'm gonna go off to class thinking about Butch and oral pleasure. GREAT.
Sep. 8th, 2005 12:09 pm (UTC)
Um, yes, Mr. S gets home from his trip tonight, why do you ask? :-D

Locking the children in a closet on the other end of the house? *grin*
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 8th, 2005 11:42 am (UTC)
HA HA HA!!! Hagrid: always good for a laugh.

My sister and LJ friend, Vinnie, are on board the "feet are gross" thing. I just... GAH. I like feet. I'm weird, I know.

And I think you scratched out the wrong thing.. Heee! If it helps you any? I totally dated a guy JUST so I could drive his '71 Stingray. GAH. He was like.. Matt LeBlanc stupid. But the car!!
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 8th, 2005 02:51 pm (UTC)
I actually pounded my fist on my desk laughing at that. Of course, I had skinny kids, so... I'll imagine a 10 pounder. BWAH!

*uses other dirty-esque potter icon*
Sep. 8th, 2005 11:44 am (UTC)
"Ah, go boil yer spleen, Pilate! Yeh stink-handed prune! Yeh've done me savior wrong, an' now yeh've gots ter pay!"

Surely old Mel could have worked this into The Passion of the Christ, couldn't he have? I think it would have smoothed all that controversy right over.
Sep. 8th, 2005 11:50 am (UTC)
Imagine how the entire face of the world would have changed if Peter only knew "Expelliarmus."
Sep. 8th, 2005 12:57 pm (UTC)
Me likey good, rich voices and easy laughter. I have a friend, and AUDIO ENGINEER and musician, who married a woman who sounded like Minnie Mouse with an sinus problem and a stick up her butt. I could hardly stand to hear her talk, so I was utterly unsurprised that they broke up, 'cause I knew they were mismatched the moment she opened her mouth. And, you know the pathological lying didn't help, either.

A low rich voice, whispering or not, can give me the shivers standing ten feet or then thousand miles away. I used to have a boyfriend who could just make a little appreciative noise in the back of his throat and I was a pile o' goo.

Accents get me. Scottish, British, Aussie, German, French...and Southern, especially Southern.

Sep. 8th, 2005 02:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, lord, a pretty pretty man from Miyus'ippi? Or the Cahr-lynas? UH. Yeah. *melts*

My step-dad had the lowest voice on god's green earth. My dad met him and wished SO BADLY that he could sing in his choir. My mother is an interior designer, so all of her male "co-workers" would make excuses to call him up just to hear his voice. Ha!
Sep. 8th, 2005 01:11 pm (UTC)
1) Funny. Absolutely number one. Cannot abide an unfunny man.

Oh gads me too.

B. is the only man who made me laugh so hard I thought I would throw up.
That's the #1 reason why I married the dork. That and he knows all of the words to Kung fu fighting. oh and once he went to a thrift store and bought a Micheal Jackson zipper jacket (circa 1983) cause he thought I would laugh at it. He wears it around the house when I'm in a bad mood and moon walks.
He's a keeper.
Funny people ROCK!!!!!
Sep. 8th, 2005 02:34 pm (UTC)
The only man I could have accepted aside from Mr. S was the funniest man on the planet, IMO. He loooooved me, but he was 5' 6"! Oh, what a great guy, but Mr. S is who I'm supposed to be with. Not as funny, but funny in his own right. :-D And there I prove what a shallow shit I am.

I'm kinda in love with your husband from that right there. *giggles* That is awesome.
Sep. 8th, 2005 01:24 pm (UTC)
For men, dorky. I'm not sure why, unless you want to count the ways they can make you laugh, can be there for you (most of the time), unlike some macho guys. That's a biggie for me.
Sep. 8th, 2005 02:38 pm (UTC)
How does that song go? "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life/ Get an ugly woman and make her your wife/If you want my personal point of view/Get an ugly woman to marry you."

There should be a version for women about dorky men. My first husband was GORGEOUS. A cross between pre-Bennifer Affleck and Keanu Reeves. No exaggeration. And guess what? Was a shit. Mr. S is beautiful, but was in band. :-D Makes aaaaaall the difference.
Sep. 8th, 2005 02:05 pm (UTC)

Girls: Somewhere between a raging bull dyke and a seventy-year old lies my ideal woman. I don't care much about body type, though I do like the shiny, shiny hair. But nothing gets the motor revving like a strong, confident, nearly-butch woman who doesn't feel the urge to compulsively point it out all the time and can be soft in public. Those chicks who hate pink and would sooner get hit in the face than be called cute? Bug me. Big time. Give me a girl who'll cuddle with me while she tells the idiot on the bus to fuck himself. Putty in her hands.

Boys: HANDS OMG HANDS. David Boreanaz. Nnngh. Hands.
Sep. 8th, 2005 02:41 pm (UTC)
HA HA!!! I remember having a crush on a girl at my office who was a "pretty dyke." She could squat 300 pounds, had arms like a weight lifter, but the prettiest face and soft, short, boy hair. *swoon* First time I ever seriously crushed on a girl. SHe was very feminine: loving, tender, sympathetic, but was not what APPEARED to be a femme, you know? She was a terrific friend... *pines*

HANDS. GUH. Friggin' man hands. That bone that sticks out at the outside of the wrist at the base? I want to CHEW on that. Mmmm.
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 8th, 2005 02:53 pm (UTC)

WOMAN!! I LIKE EATING MEN HANDS!! With fava beans and a nice Chianti FffFffFffFffFff.

Now THAT was creepy. You lookin' to make me push the envelope? Oh... I'LL PUSH THE ENVELOPE!

*slides envelope across desk with RECKLESS ABANDON*
Sep. 8th, 2005 03:05 pm (UTC)
Long fingers, tan lines, rough palms and callused fingertips... God, I need a towel.
Sep. 8th, 2005 03:07 pm (UTC)
That icon needs to exist. Yes.

Moving on.
Hands, yes, so with you on a nice pair of man hands. Long fingers, well shaped, well groomed man hands. Oh yeah baby. And tall, 6 foot minimum, totally. But, veiny, tendony feet? The cheese stands alone, yo.
Sep. 8th, 2005 03:28 pm (UTC)
Hands, baby. Big, strong, rough trade hands with long fingers. David Goddamn Boreanaz is the king of hands. Hands are why smoking is sexy.
Sep. 8th, 2005 03:36 pm (UTC)
Hands are why smoking is sexy.

*nods spastically*
Yes! Totally. This is why Spike and Angelus and Brian Kinney and Nicky Brendon rule the my world.
Sep. 8th, 2005 03:37 pm (UTC)
I believe you are forgetting someone ahem?
Sep. 8th, 2005 03:45 pm (UTC)
'Tis the Ewan, yes? Yeah, well, he's ok. I guess. He's tall at least.

*ducks the objects you and Stoney are bound to throw at me*
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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