Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Dear Gott en Himmel Bad!(great)fic!

Let me preface this with I felt like a kid in a candy store last night. My lovely ficwriter, who shall remain nameless - please don't call her out here kthx - is back with more goodies. Let me preface this with the following disclaimer, because LJ can be a wonky place:

THIS IS TERRIBLE PROSE. This is over-the-top. It IS. Now. This girl has been given con-crit, helpful advice, and she is not interested in improving her writing. So? I see this as the equivalent of the black bar over the "fashion don't" in Cosmo. If you are a tender soul who cannot see that I am having fun with bad word usage, you should scroll on. I am not condoning going into this person's personal space and mocking her, because that's mean. There is a subtle difference between having fun with over-the-top language and rubbing a person's nose in it. Ahem.

Now, on with the hypocrisy show!!

  • (it's raining in the fic) [Buffy is] wishing she could turn back the hands of time to change [her shoes] so they wouldn't get ruined. Really. Really? you have the power to control time, and you want to change your SHOES? Not... end slavery, or stop that bus from running over Granny, but change your SHOES? Is this Cordelia or Buffy?

  • [re: rain]: Mother Nature's tears seeped through the fine suede material. Mother Nature is crying because she forgot to water-proof the cows the suede came from and they are big water balloons in the fields...

  • She enjoyed the feeling of pleasant stirrings in her lower regions. The people of Columbia called that "political upheaval," and it was far from pleasant, but Buffy didn't score well in Geography, so... *shrugs*

  • Her collection of come-fuck-me pumps Sue! That makes the 23 time she's used that phrase!! And really, Buffy should have a collection of "Come-Fuck-Me" SIGNS. More economical, direct, and to the point.

  • Her husband's penis was as beautiful as his face. Oh, that's just sad. Now, Xander post S7 I could believe, but Spike? (One eye) And penises? They are NOT beautiful. Fun, pleasing, sometimes funny or wee, but BEAUTIFUL? ANd now I'm thinking of Mr. Hankey's pornographic novel.

  • She licked her lips, which suddenly became dry as she pictured the erect power of [his penis] filling her, moving back and forth inside her like the wipers across the windshield. Let's just take a moment here. Take a moment and imagine a PENIS swiping back and forth your vag walls like a WINDSHIELD WIPER. Would it make that noise? You know... The vooo-screee! noise. This may be the best thing written EVER.

  • She could still make him harder than Chinese Arithmetic. Let's ignore the blatant racism there and get to the meat of it: the Chinese have their OWN math??? And it's so important as to be capitalized? Whoa. No wonder that stereotype of Asians and math is so pervasive. They have their OWN kind of math. And folks, it's difficult. Some might say hard.

  • Buffy increased the pressure on his package. "Dammit, Buffy! That's Lalique crystal for my boss! Quit putting pressure on it! You'll tear the gift wrapping!"

  • Her hot quim enveloped him. They sighed as the flesh of their sexes made contact. It was the sexual que... *gets out decoder ring* I am an idiot. OH. Quim? Not a sexy word. That's something that boys in private school in England - still in short pants - would giggle and say over a swiped girlie mag in the locker room between classes. Sexual que? Obviously she means queue, but WHAT? Sexual line of people? *cries*

  • Buffy was riding him with the ease of an equestrian...while he stimulated her to a gallop. The crop came out of nowhere. She didn't mind the stirrups so much, but they did double fault over the water hazard, losing a few points. Pity.

  • They kissed, feeling the love they had for each other spread to all the unfilled places. Like their sinuses, that spot behind her ear, under their nails, their bottom-holes, that crease between the fourth and third toe... Filled.

  • Buffy searched the glove compartment for some napkins to wipe up the excessive wetness from their mixed juices. Holy Jesus. "You got your dick milk in my quim juice!" "You got your quim juice in my dick milk!" Two great tastes that taste great... *throws up a little* Why? WHY??!

  • Wicked and demanding words like "kiss me" "fuck me" "eat me" orbited around her and the didn't have to be performed in a certain order. First off, they're called commas. Learn to love them. Not in a certain order? Okay.. "Fuck eat." "Me me." "Me kiss." *orbits* *picks up intergalactic dust*

Okay, I'm not even going to MENTION the menstrual stuff. Because... Even *I* have my limits. red essence??

But wait... there's more. So much more.

  • Both hands supported the base of his erection that begged for a strong stroking only to be held as if she was about to give an acceptance speech before taking it into her mouth. "I woulh lahk to shank ee ah-cah-ah-mee for glaaaaahhhhh"

  • Cold ejaculate coated her lips, running down her chin and onto her breasts. With zero inhibition, she sucked her lips into her mouth then cleared the remnants with one sweep of her tongue. Now wait. This is human AU. WHY is his seed cold? Is it dead? And confidentally, Buff, let's crank that inhibition up to 4, shall we? Okay, then.

  • He wrapped his strong arms around her. "I'm going to be all over you." "Like stink on shit. Like white on rice. Like a duck on a June bug. All. Over. You. You may stop breathing at some point, but I'll never let go. Or get off. And I mean climb off, because I plan on shooting my cold ejaculate all over your-" Too much? Okay. Moving on.

  • She closed her eyes, dangling her tongue. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Do that. Right now. I dare you not to laugh. Now, say, "glllaaaaah!" Ha ha! AWESOME.

  • She was tropic down below as his mouth found her clit and soft outer lips fragranced with her scent. Spike slipped her the hot tongue surprise, opening Buffy like the middle of a book. Oh, this one is just a simple typo: "The Hot Tongue Surprise." She's into smells, this one. Guess she's never been in a used book store. And if you see this "special" at your local deli, I'd take a pass. Go for the Tuna Melt. *snerk*

  • Buffy's clit was always on the look out for a quick feel but nothing had prepared her for her fallen angel's tongue expedition that made her want to be fucked more than anything. He'd eaten her so good she thought she would never stop coming. Her God induced orgasm caused her body to shake. Am I the only one imagining a little clit in a Sherlock Holmes hat and magnifying glass "on the look out?" Personification is FUN. And I'm thinking eventually...eventually I would want to stop coming. The dehydration alone would be inducement enough. And if I was Spike, I'd either be proud that Buffy called me "God" or a bit pissed off. Hey! I'm eating you out good! Fire pretty!

  • planting cunt kisses Mary, Mary Quite Contrary, how does your garden grow? With a leaking cock, and quims that gawk, and cunt kisses all in a row. OH. She has an AUTHOR'S NOTE about this:

A/N: In case you were wondering, cunt kisses are kisses given to you after someone has tasted your vagina during sex. See, now I'm back to my theory that this is a 12 year old boy in a Scandinavian country with a translation program. WOW. I'm so glad that has a name. I've been calling it KISSING. While having sex. Or actually, I don't call it anything. It just sorta happens.

Someone unpacked their adjectives. Maybe they need to go back into the attic.

Last time I'll pimp, but today is Biography Day at a_list_celebs. So far Donatella Versace is up, Prince should go up in an hour, and the rest of the crew will be posting throughout the day. Good starting point, for those interested in following. a_lister_fans is the feedback comm. We promise entertainment, funny, silliness, etc. OR WE WILL DIE TRYING. Wanna join? Play along? Check out the comm's user info. It's laid back and silly, yo.
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