People who made me simultaeously angry and happy (about myself):
- A mom, dressed in her keeyoot and hip outfit, with a stylish bag and shoes, jabbering on a cell phone while her 3 year old boy THREW himself on the floor in the grocery store, screaming for some candy. She continued to roll her eyes and TURN HER BACK ON HIM - you know, to teach him a lesson? Then, huffed into the phone, told her friend she "had to go," and CALLED SOMEONE ELSE. I picked Emily, my 4 year old, up and kissed her all over. She continued playing with her toy aligator.
- The father, smacking on gum, his polo collar turned up a la Abercrombie and Fitch who pinched his wife on her - yes, it was pilates trim - ass then continued to ignore his son and gesture at his wife for the "problem" on the floor. I can't stand bad kids, but I HAAAATE bad parents. I guess I'm not so bad as I think...
- Busting my "behind our house" neighbors for using their leaf blower to get their grass clipping into my yard. Yes, yes, I do just rake them into the compost heap, but that isn't the POINT.
In other news... my mother in law is apparently cooking Thanksgiving this year. Which - that's my job. Okay, less dishes to wash, but beadtific? I know you'll get this. She doesn't cook anything...interesting. SUE. She makes PEPPERIDGE FARM stuffing. !!!! I ask you. From a MIX? A box?? We may be having another large dinner on Saturday at my house because I loooooove cooking big feasts. Good thing: she is the owner of her kitchen, so I won't need to force small talk and help. I can read a book in the living room until we eat. Hooray!
Also: my grandmother, my mother's mother, is turning 75, so I will be in the same room with my biological mother for an afternoon. BUT. I will be soaking up the idiosynchracies particular to my family and will have many funny things to share. Best thing uttered at a maternal-side family gathering: "Quit y'all's shit! It's fam'ly time!" Uttered by my mother, while wearing skin-tight red leather pants, a leather BUSTIER, and leather jacket. And high-heeled boots. At Christmas. Aw! Sass adds class.
Runner up? My cousin, six months pregnant and big as a house dropping the bombshell, "y'all? I got sumthin' ta say. I'm pregnant." HA HA HA!! NOOOO!!! What? Uh uh!
And winning the bronze medal, my then-15-year-old cousin announcing her plans to marry, and my mother discreetly (a first for her!) asking if she was "in the family way" and my cousin in her loud East Texas twang: "Naw. Ched (chad) cain't gimme no babies. He got one uh his nuts crushed, gettin' poled in a fight."
No, wait. That might need to be number one. Okay, my family, ladies and gentlemen. Is it any wonder that I don't fit in with them? Of course, to them, *I'm* the weird one. With my "books" and mah learnin'. Mah high falootin' learnin'.
Oh, MAN I have been in a FUNK this week. My funny was broke, my husband was gone and too busy to chat like we regularly do, Sue was swamped, Chrissy was swamped and waaaaaaaaah! Today is the day of good times and funny, do you hear me?! I have found more bad!fic, and there is a NEED for laughter, I can FEEL IT.
Okay. Now I go for a run, get those endorphins kicking in, and then time to bring the funny. Who's with me? *weak cheer* I SAID WHO'S WITH ME??