I am wrapping up my holiday shopping today - hopefully - and all that's left is Mr. S. The hardest man to buy for. Oooooookay. *polishes off coffee*
Last year I posted a small essay outlining the proper way to talk with your family at holiday gatherings. Well, it's been another year of you (and me) sitting on the computer, getting sucked into the intarwebs more and more until we have all lost our ability to interact beyond the keyboard and monitor. And so? I give you:
A person approaches you and "speaks," using "vocalized words" to discern current activities in your life - it's almost as if they haven't been keeping up with your blog. What do you do?
SHE: So! We haven't seen you in a long time! What have you been doing to keep you so busy?
DO SAY: Oh, I've been re-tooling a few databases and programs for some large corporations - finding missing funds, helping people better organize their pensions, things like that. You?
Do NOT Say: Oh, man this RPG is kicking my ASS! I have a Ranger Elf? He just earned a Vorpol Sword +5 and battled an orc? And we took it off-game and wrote beast-fic, NC-17, baybee! I totally egressed all over my chair. Awesome. Does incest/beast/bloodplay squick you?
An uncle approaches you. You haven't seen each other in five years.
HE: So! Have you been following this horrible earthquake in Iraq?
DO SAY: No, just hearing bits and pieces. What has been going on?
Do NOT Say: No, but have you been following the wank on zombies? I mean, like friggin' GET OUT OF THE FANDOM if you can't support brain eating, you know? And then that asshole with the whole anonymous posting - I TOTALLY tracked down their IP and...
Your mother pulls you off to a room to talk with you about your brother, who seems to be going through a sexual identity crisis.
SHE: I don't know what to say to your brother. I want him to know I still love him, but he just won't talk. Is there any place on that internet thing you look at that can get me some information?
DO SAY: Yes, I'll check out PFLAG and other sites, print off some discussion topics and get them to you, mom. You're great, you know?
Do NOT Say: Dude! I totally got hot reading some brother kink? And the one guy? Used peanut butter as lube? Oh, and one of them was a werewolf. I'll send him that stuff. If he creams, he's totally gay. I'll ask if I can watch next time he's with a dude, thanks for the heads up.
Your boss has finally noticed you at the open bar. She walks over to "engage in conversation" and the topic turns to fantasy literature, somehow.
SHE: Oh, I loved the animated movie "The Last Unicorn." I was quite into unicorns and horses as a child, ha ha!
DO SAY: Well, it's because they are fanciful and magical. How adorable! I was, too.
Do NOT Say: Well, if you mean "like" like, I have some pictures I made? With Spike's face on this one unicorn? And I found a porn-stars dong and 'shopped that on, too? Took me like, all day yesterday to finish up, so my report is going to be way late.
A coworker tells a joke.
THEM: ...and he says, "If that's a duck, then I'm a pirate!" Ha ha ha ha!
DO SAY: Ha ha ha ha ha.
Do NOT Say: El-oh-el.
*Alternate Do Not Say: Are-oh-tea-eff-el-em-aye-oh.
In other news, my leetle four-year-old Emily just told me she wants to be Laurie Berkner when she grows up and play the guitar and take showers all by herself. Heee!! (for those not in the know, LB is a children's songstress who sings about B-O-O-T-S, BOOTS! and the like.) And she now has a joke in her arsenal: why did the pirate want to see the movie? Because it was rated Aaaaaarrrrr. I have NO idea where she heard it. Hahahaha!!
Lastly: Happy Birthday to chantal87! Glücklicher Geburtstag! Ich hoffe, dass es ein gutes Ein, mein Freund ist! Anfeuerungen!