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More tales of Company Holiday Parties

Ah, memories. I've been laughing at my desk remembering the characters I worked with...

To recap:

TB = Tall Blonde. Over drinker. Over sharer. Wearer of no underwear when she REALLY should have on - at minimum - a thong. Flailer of limbs. Also, when not drunk, very mean and rude in an office setting.

LP = Latin President. Lovely man, charming, OFF LIMITS, unfortunate victim of TB.

VP = Vice Pres, also hot Latino, quiet and focused. He's filler for today.

NB = Nerd Brigade. This would be the core of software engineers, most of whom kept sleeping bags in their offices - THEY LOVE THEIR JOBS. Usually can be spotted by the "gut/belt hangover," the "novelty tuxedo tee" for formal events, the abuse of the Do Not Do list repeatedly. They do not know the touch of a woman.

HN = Head Nerd. Oh, Jim, how I loved hanging with you. He trumped the NB by ALSO bringing his tuxedo beer cozy to the party. Nice. Would say goodbye with a Vulcan hand move. WITHOUT IRONY. Would routinely make Linux jokes.

And my most favorite character from my last place of employment, and my GOD I could write a book about him...

BEM = Booger Eating Moron. Small Texas town guy. Entire cubicle PLASTERED with Jeff Gordon and/or NASCAR paraphernalia. Thick hick accent. Was contastantly studying for his A+ certification. (That should make a few of you laugh.) Say... for four years. Never actually TOOK the test. Just took courses to prepare. Was a good little lackey and loved his job in the City. Needed lots of hand holding until he understood HOW to carry files from one place to the other, then was free to be turned loose.

BEM is the only person I have ever known that ACTUALLY WAS ON JERRY SPRINGER. Oh, god, I'm crying. So... we're sitting down to our dinner at one of the parties, and I have a mixture of LP, VP, NBs and BEM with wife. I'm talking about politics with LP, specifically how he and his brother escaped Cuba and avoided being taken from their families at the age of 7 to join Fidel's army. Heavy stuff. Fascinating, too. We rarely hear about life in Cuba in the states, so I was very interested. LP made a point of hiring people that had escaped Cuba in the company - which I admired. Giving back is lovely.

BEM interrupts with a comment about how that's just like the Mexicans coming into Texas and taking jobs away from Americans. (See definition for BEM.) We ignore him. BEM begins talking to one of the NBs and I overhear, "I mean... what the hell don't he want a perfectly good arm, for?" Well. I HAVE to know what this is all about.

BEM's cousin is dating WT1. They live in a trailer in a small town. They have a party. (read, someone got a couple of cases of Pabst and fired up the portable grill for some hot dogs.) WT2 is a mutual friend that shows up. Cousin sits in WT2's lap and is flirting. (read: half naked and grinding his crotch. Or as BEM says: rahdin' 'im like they's no tomorry in front of God and His Children.) WT1 comes in and says to getcher hands offa my wommin. WT2 says make me. WT1 leaves, comes back with a shotgun, and shoots off WT2's ARM. (Oh man, I shouldn't be laughing, but JESUS CHRIST!) So, perfect way to resolve the loss of limb and woman (I mean, who's gonna be with a one-armed WT? Not this smart chicky) is to go on Jerry Springer and air your dirty laundry to the world.

He don't love me! *takes off shoes and paces*
She don't clean the gaddamned trailer! *flexes muscles, on display in sleeveless tee shirt*
He don't make no money, and One Arm made me feel purdy! *kisses One Arm in front of God and every body - that'll show him!*
Yeah, but now he's only got One Arm! *points and mocks*
I luv ewe.
I luv ewe too. *WT1 and Cousin make out inappropriately*
Hey! I lost my goddamned arm! *Jerry gives thought of the day*

So now WT2 is depressed, sitting in his trailer collecting disability checks and drinking all the time. BEM and friends decide to save up and buy WT2 an ARM for Christmas. (Now you are caught up.) BEM looks at me with shock and wonder at this point.

"I mean, we go to all the trouble to get him an arm, bring it all the way out to 'im, and he don't want it! I mean, what the hell don't he want a perfectly good arm, for? You know how many people could use that arm? And I have a mind to give it 'em!"


"I mean, that thang cost $40,000. Well, we used some of his Medicaid, but still! He just wants to sit on his porch and drink beer all day. And I 'membered how much he lahked fishin', so I went out and got him a one-armed rod -n- reel. Ewe know whut? He on't use it, either. Just threw that summbitch in his closet and left it ta collect dust. *shakes head* What the hell don't he want a perfectly good arm for?"

Granted, it's a remarkable gift. And the fishing pole was incredibly thoughtful. It's the EXECUTION OF THE TALE, with no details held back at a sit down, formal dinner with the LP and VP right there that makes me laugh.

After dinner, BEM pulled out "String in a Can" and started running around the ball room spraying people in the face with it. Good times.

Tomorrow's edition: the brick of weed for a white elephant gift. Kinda. (Um, I thought we set a 25 dollar price limit?)

In other fun stuff, if you watch our comm a_list_celebs, I've made a link to allow you to view all of the comm posts AND the character posts (like they did on storge_space) H E R E. Currently, there is a Post-Secret meme running through the comm. All anonymous posts are welcomed, ahem. All of the secrets should be up by the end of the day today, and will run through the weekend. Should give lots of fun/silly stuff to read if you're looking for that sort of thing.


( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
Dec. 21st, 2005 08:51 am (UTC)
*mind boggles* I love your life, :)
Dec. 21st, 2005 09:20 am (UTC)
Heh. Me, too! *grins*
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 21st, 2005 09:29 am (UTC)
I think they ignored the conversation, honestly. I was so enraptured with his tale I wasn't paying attention to much. (He was a lowly peon, and didn't register high on their attention scale, I'm sure.)

The NB was SO fun. Unless a bug was found in the program. Heh.
(Deleted comment)
Dec. 21st, 2005 09:31 am (UTC)
HEEEEEEE!! Nick Burns - he WISHES he was that smart. Nick is totally like the guys I worked with, and who BEM (don't say the letters, say: behm) IDOLIZED.

Like, "can I carry your slide rule?" idolized. hahaha. Nerd worship.
Dec. 21st, 2005 10:03 am (UTC)
LOL! You didn't define the WT1 & WT2 acronyms but my brain just automatically read them as White Trash 1 & White Trash 2. Was I right?
Dec. 21st, 2005 10:05 am (UTC)
Well, sheeyuh!

The Jerry Springer should have been the giveaway. Not to mention the arm being shot off. For flirting.
Dec. 21st, 2005 10:11 am (UTC)
It was such an obvious choice, but I wanted to make sure you didn't have something really funny that it stood for instead.
I always wanted to go to Chicago to be in the audience of Springer for the sheer people-watchingness of it.
And my husband has said that if he ever gets a call to go on Springer or a show like it the answer is no and we are getting a divorce, even if he doesn't know why. *grin*
Dec. 21st, 2005 11:26 am (UTC)
Wow. Texas is really different from Canada.

I mean, sure, we have beer-guzzling Canadian Tuxedo-wearing (jeans with matching jean jacket) rednecks who say "eh" after every single sentence, but they don't have white-collar office jobs.

Everything you tell me makes me wonder if I'd like the South (I'd like to visit it someday)... I love the idea of Southern Hospitality and everything, but all this crazy right-wing religious shit scares me, dude.
Dec. 21st, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
p.s. what's A+ Certificaton?
Dec. 21st, 2005 11:37 am (UTC)
*wonders where the religious stuff came in?*

For the record, this guy was the office monkey. As in, made the coffee, loaded computers into racks, kind of like... white collar/physical labor.

He was the only one that wasn't... educated. Everyone else was well-respected for their brain power in their respected fields.

(A+ certification is very lame. It's a test for IBM compatible hardware. I mean, uh... it's a MOTHERBOARD. That's RAM. That's the processor. There are things called "networks." And he was in SCHOOL. For four years. To learn this.)
Dec. 21st, 2005 11:53 am (UTC)
Oh, I see!

I'm sorry, I'll stop insulting your home now. And you're totally right, there was no mention of religious stuff in this post. I think it's 'cause I've been watching the Daily Show and remembering how much more religious the States is compared to Canada.
Dec. 21st, 2005 11:57 am (UTC)
Ahahaha!!!! Oh, yeah, don't think for a second that there aren't religious wackos around here. I never had issues in the workplace, personal, however. Like, people bringing Bibles in or something.

Probably because I worked in IT, so they're convinced that Steve Jobs is God and Microsoft is Satan, you see. :D
Dec. 21st, 2005 06:06 pm (UTC)
Sounded like I was right back home with BEM talking.

Watched Rudolph last night and could not stop laughing. I definitely couldn't tell the kids why, but your icon kept flashing through my mind. Then I had to go off on how they were discriminating against Rudolph because he was different. Finally, H. had to tell me to be quiet. Of course, I've seen the thing about thirty times now.

Now back to your regularly scheduled comment. Are we getting more party stories?
Dec. 21st, 2005 06:45 pm (UTC)

Yes, even though others are losing interest, I shall carry on, if only because it's making me laugh in remembrance.

*lights a candle*
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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