My first online fandom, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel: The Series. Here is the most important thing I can say about this fandom: SPIKE IS A MOTHER SCRATCHING KILLER. He does not burst into tears because ____ won't climb out of bed and carry him to the coffee pot and hand feed him sweets. He does not mewl like a kitten. He does not immediately get on all fours, look over his shoulder, a single tear glistening on his cheek and quietly whisper to be ravished. Buffy is not a bitch for being disgusted with herself for frolicking with the enemy. She had NEVER had wild sex for the sake of sex before and THAT REQUIRES A PERIOD OF ADJUSTMENT. Tara was a mouse, and she didn't mother EVERYONE. Just Dawn. And sometimes Willow. OMG XANDER IS STRAIGHT. *pisses off 2/3 of my flist* But if you are going to make him gay? And I've read a few fics where it's done well, GIVE ME A REASON TO BELIEVE HE'S LETTING HIMSELF BE POLED BY THE ENEMY, OKAY? Oh, and he LOVED Anya. He did. Quit glossing over that so you can make two pretty bodies hump.
OMFG WESLEY IS STRAIGHT. *pisses off another chunk* BRITISH DOES NOT EQUAL GAY. THAT IS AN OLD CLICHE. It's tired, folks. He got more tail than any other man on the show! He LOVED Fred. I didn't believe it either, but then I re-watched S5 and yep. He loved her. Lorne is the GAY ONE. And should NEVER have smut fics written about him. Gunn was very smart, and even though he is black, didn't NATURALLY AND CONTINUOUSLY talk like a Crip. That's... kinda racist. ANGEL. Just... I think most people should leave him alone. He appears very simple, but is quite complex. Also, he didn't speak in MULTIPLE PARAGRAPH SOLILOQUIES. EVER. AND HE DOESN'T BREATHE. Because he is the undead. So, watch those gasps, shuddering breaths, "held his breath as..." Also? He doesn't look into a mirror and FIX HIS HAIR. Thank god the bad writers have left my Connor alone. Have yet to come across bad Connor fic. *whew*
[ETA so the world doesn't come crashing down around me!] Okay. Can I imagine scenarios where Xander and Wesley were bi-curious? Experimented? AND STILL BE IN CHARACTER?? Yes. Do I think that the CHARACTERS identified as straight ultimately? Yes. Do I get bugged by SHITTY characterization that is NOT meant as a parody? YES. And I'm obviously one of the few who sees them this way (ultimately straight). This is also meant as a laugh, so let's not forget that I am not publishing a book on fandom rules, because I would totally suck at that. I'm referring to crappy fic that was written in between classes to get your lab partner hot and NO pretense of being good characterization/storytelling. Because it seems to be proliferating in all of the fandoms I read and it makes the baby Satan cry. Which is really hard to do, because he's baby Satan. Carry on!
Moving on to my first fandom ever, Star Wars. Fortunately, the Teens of Woe haven't gotten their claws into the Imperial Trilogy (the original 4-6), so that's fairly safe. But if I ever come across an emo, cutting, angst-ridden Ewok/Wookie fic, imma come after whoever with a bat. Unless it's meant to be hilarious. And it better be. *scrubs brain* Now. MY OTP: Anakin and Obi-Wan. Also, Ewan/Hayden. The teens got their claws into that one over the summer and RUINED MY OTP. Okay, when you are still figuring out your own sexuality? You should probably leave such complicated relationships like closeted homosexuals/pan-sexuality alone. I'm not saying the old line of "if you haven't HAD sex you can't WRITE sex," because I don't necessarily believe that. HOWEVER. If you want to write a story that involves complications from the characters having to deal with Adult Situations.... YOU SHOULD BE AN ADULT.
This goes for all of them: Just because two men are dating, (or two women) that doesn't mean one is the "man" and one is the "woman." That's insulting to homosexual couples, first of all. As one of my gay couple friends explained to a ding-dong who asked them that question, "I'm Scott and he's Bill." There are other dynamics to gay men (and women) than the Tough Dominant Bad Guy and the Crybaby Pushover Screaming Nelly Bottom. In fact, it can be more interesting if you EXPLORE OTHER PERSONALITY TYPES. Ahem. It's cliche, and it's BAD. And then there's the whole "NOT CANON" thing.
Men don't burst into tears. Men don't slide down the wall, filled with Woe and think of chocolate ice cream. Men don't bury their face in their kitty-cat and sigh wistfully about why Big Mean Tough Topper won't bang them into oblivion in their manginas. You know who does that? Chicks I hate. You should try interacting with Real Live Men and observe their behavior and not learn everything you know about men from bad fanfiction. Also? That could be a way that you get some real sex, and will stop using words like LEAKING COCKS. Or talking about how beautiful cocks are. Because cocks are impressive and ergonomic, but they aren't beautiful. Actually, they're kinda funny looking. Oh, and cocks don't weep, sob, or cry. I want to slap the back of your head when you write that. And call in a prescription for antibiotics, because that is a clear sign of the clap, or possibly syphillis.
Harry Potter. Oh, dear god. Stop making the kids have sex with their parents. Stop making Snape out to be this misunderstood woobie. Lucius Malfoy is not secretly good. MRS. WEASLEY IS THE BEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD, AND I WANT TO BE A WEASLEY, SO QUIT MAKING HER A BAD PERSON!!! *cries* Draco is NOT a woobie! He is NOT good underneath! He is a FERRET and sneaky and nasty and is MORE INTERESTING THAT WAY. Harry is not a dick. He is a young boy and is not malicious, and I can't even begin to understand why this came about. Okay, must be the Griffyndor backlash from all the Pro-Slytherins... Ginny Weasley is not a whore! Methinks some girls are a bit jealous at the thought of her being well-liked and a red-head? I don't know. Just... for christssake, did you NOT read the books? They aren't banging all over the place. And finally, Weasley is my King. I love Ron Weasley most of all, and ultimately I like the gen fic, because they aren't sexualized in the book, and STOP MAKING HERMIONE A WHORE FOR SNAPE!! *cries bitterly*
Pirates of the Carribean. James Norrington and Jack Sparrow are the most interesting pairing in the whole damn movie, and I'll tell you why. Because they have a cat and mouse relationship which requires STORY. PWP is not interesting to me. Jack/Will does NOTHING for me. Why? Why are they together? It isn't canon, IMO. Now. James and Jack share a love of the sea. Of captaining ships. One chose the navy, the other chose the easy route, both think the other made a horrible choice. They fight, there's give and take, there's that thin line between love and hate. They hate each other because they see themselves in the other. As in, if a different choice had been made, they would be in opposite situations (and I think they may explore that in the sequels.) Plus, opposites attract. That being said, a Commodore of the Royal Navy isn't going to roll over and spread his legs for a pirate! ...willingly. They aren't going to hold hands and skip, and if I read one more fic like that... GAH!! A Commodore isn't going to "introduce" to his ship-mates his boyfriend. They aren't going to swap knitting patterns, and I have ACTUALLY SEEN THIS IN A FIC. For god's sake they are MEN! And a pirate is about as manly as you're going to get. Yes, yes, Depp wasn't butch, but he was when he had to be! He was clever enough to know when to pull out the sword, and when to use his wits. Norrington is a man of action first. A man of duty. He isn't going to cuddle his pirate lover at the helm and "help Jack steer the boat." What the FUCK?? Please, just write me an interesting story, and if there's sex, make me believe they would do it. And then make them do it like animals, because they wouldn't be tender about it! Okay, maybe the eigth time they'd finally kiss. *wibbles at the thought*
Little House on the Prairie. Heh, I'm totally joking. Laura and Nellie were TOTALLY in love. *snerk*
Ultimately, I just want the immature morons who don't understand nuance, complexity, etc. to stop turning men into WOMEN I WOULD PUNCH. And I'm not a violent person. Quit making one person in the relationship a crybaby. A weiner. A sobbing, needy, DRESS-WEARING mess, because you are MARY SUEING. Yes, I've said it. When you put Spike in a dress, you are putting yourself in his place and getting punished for being undesirable (or whatever you tell yourself that makes you Bad and Unwanted) by the Big Mean Butch Topper. Or do us all a favor and CHANGE THEIR NAMES TO QUINTON AND MORTMANCY. Or Bill and Ted. Because you've made the characters that BROUGHT YOU INTO FANDOM UNRECOGNIZABLE. They are no longer the characters from the show/book/movie. They aren't, and don't kid yourself into thinking you've unearthed their TRUE SELF.
Last, but not least, getting a comment with a notice of a misspelled word is NOT A FLAME. Getting a comment with a beta-type reply is NOT A FLAME. I've gotten those, and I'm GRATEFUL for them, because it makes me fix something incorrect and makes my story better! If you cannot take criticism, keep your fic in your black composition notebook and share it with your buddies in study hall. NOW WRITE THIS DOWN: DEFINATELY is not a word!!!!! Never was, never will be. DEFINITELY. SEQUEL has an "e," not an "a." Punctuation goes INSIDE quotation marks. PLEASE learn when to use THEN and THAN. THAN signifies an option between two or more things, THEN is a measure of time. There should be a break between paragraphs. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION. I have used words improperly. I have been called to task on it. And guess what? It made me use language better - more effectively. It's okay to be corrected. My first fics were horrible, and I got criticism. IT MAKES YOU A BETTER WRITER. GET A FRICKIN' BETA. Someone who is a BETTER WRITER THAN YOU. Someone who LOVES to edit, and most importantly, is GOOD AT IT. You'll be glad you did.
*deep shuddery breath* Okay. Thanks. This rant should be considered my opinion, not Doctrine.. Now, I'm going to use up some of these gift cards and get some loot. And feel free to rec GOOD fic to me, especially PoTC I may not know about.
(whispers: there will be more Gud Summries tomorrow. Dear gott en himmel.)