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*drags everyone over the finish line*
*except YOU. And you know why*

HA! I love finding things that support my position. Like the Chinese Love Basket. NO! Like Great Literary Taunts!

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. " Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder

I love Mark Twain. LOVE him. And Oscar Wilde is so wonderfully catty.... (Damn you Stephen Fry for being uncomfortable as him!! That movie should have WORKED!) As I told lynnenne last night, EVEN JESUS MOCKS GALLAGHER.

And as I am impatient, and I'll be opening up comments for concrit, etc., I'll go ahead and post my second request from yesterday's call to write.

Ficlet, Prompt: Xander, Connor, milkshake, french fries, King Ralph, hand jobs
For: entrenous88, who took the prompt and went another way, H E R E.
Rating: Cert. 15 for adultish language, but no nekkidness. Mostly innuendo.
Feeling: Funny, yet wistful. (Warning: Takes place post-NFA/S5)
Weather: Raining, with skies clearing in the late afternoon


Angel was on the phone, arguing with Buffy.

"No, she does NOT have a hairy back the other days of the month, and you dated The Immortal! Leave Nina out of this and tell me what Giles and the others..."

Xander raised his eyebrows slightly, re-adjusted his eye patch - gotta remember to just cock the one. Heh. Cock. - and turned back to Connor who had steadily made his way through half of Xander's lunch while his back was turned.

"Hey! Quit Bogarting my food! Especially if you're going to dip them in your milkshake. Grease and milk are the very definition of wrongness."

Connor, eyes steady on Xander, took another fry, swiped it across the thick shake and popped it in his mouth. He spoke around the food, "fried ice cream."


"Fried ice cream. My parents - uh, the other ones - they took me to a place that served fried ice cream. It's good. You should try it."

Xander blinked. Or was it winked because of the one eye? He always meant to ask Giles, but any time he reminded Giles that a psychotic, possessed preacher with a chili-bowl haircut had popped his eye out, Giles would cough and clean his glasses and really, someone should get the man some therapy putty because eventually those glasses were gonna break.

Xander blinked/winked and looked down at his plate, then up at Connor who was slowly sliding the penultimate fry into his mouth and grinning.


"Grasshopper: when you can snatch this french fry from my hand..." Connor held it in his palm, well within reach.

"Okay, Wolfram and Hart put KUNG FU in your new memories, but not King Ralph? And they call themselves evil lawyers."

"Hmm, they did put Engelbert Humperdink's entire catalog in my head, so... Pretty evil."

"I bet it's weird having two different sets of memories floating around in the ol' noggin. Then again, you date someone like Cordy long enough and there's 'what you know' versus 'what she tells you really happened.'"


"Like when we were in Science lab and she had us take the table in the back corner and unzipped my pants during the lecture-"


"-and used the Over-Helmet Hand Hold I was trying to patent and-"


"Oh, it's-"

Xander made a fist with his right hand, thumb side down, stroked down once, came up, loosened his grip, a twist, tightened back to a fist, stroked again, pinky finger down this time. He opened his eyes wide, showed his palms and nodded.

"Over Helmet Hand Hold. Anyway, she forgot to turn her class ring around and I couldn't help that I convulsed a bit and turned the Bunsen burner up high and singed her hair, I mean, you have to-"



Connor pushed back from the table a bit, trying to keep his face neutral. He had just met this guy and didn't think it would be nice to make an "eww" face. "It's not like that. The extra memories. Maybe you should take a nap or something? Loosen up? I'm sorry I ate all of your fries."

Angel slammed the phone down and stomped over to the two of them, hands on hips and nostrils flaring unnecessarily.

"I can't believe she did that to him. I showed her that grip."

Xander pinked.

Angel realized he said that out loud.

Connor looked between the two of them. "Gross. I'm out of here."

"Ten bucks says he tries my Over-Helmet-"

"XANDER! That's my son. For the love of-. And it's the Loose Grip Slide."

"Hey, buddy, you never GAVE it a name until I tried it on you that one night on patrol. I spent years perfecting that in my basement."

Angel rolled his eyes. "Tell me when you've hit the century mark. And you can't patent hand jobs. Spike already tried."

Xander coughed and cleared his throat. "So! Other than Buffy taking matters into her own hands," he snickered a bit, "what's the plan?"

Angel began outlining the latest problem as Xander muttered under his breath, "I knew he'd try and steal that from me. I should never have told him about getting it patented."


If you are uncomfortable with dissecting problems in LJ comments, you can certainly email me at stoney321 @ livejournal . com, no spaces.


( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:23 am (UTC)
Oooh, early bed is WONDERFUL. I made you happy? Without resorting to silly dances and cheese covered food? HOORAY.

Also: it is cold and rainy and I'm still in my robe and jammies, mmmm.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:15 am (UTC)
Over Helmet Hand Hold

Weak. From. Laughter.

You make me so damned happy.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:23 am (UTC)
*wriggles like a PUP*

Haha!! Now, the REAL question: what name did Spike submit to the patent office?
... - yin_again - Feb. 3rd, 2006 12:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 3rd, 2006 12:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - yin_again - Feb. 3rd, 2006 01:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - dedra - Feb. 4th, 2006 04:30 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:15 am (UTC)
*is laughing too hard to say anything coherent*
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:26 am (UTC)

*pounds your back to keep you from choking*
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:43 am (UTC)

I love this Friday morning. I *needed* this Friday all damn week, and I love that you made me laugh so early in the day. *g*
Feb. 3rd, 2006 07:52 am (UTC)
And you get this Friday ALL DAY, WOOT!!

Laughing is IMPORTANT for your MENTAL HEALTH.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:04 am (UTC)
Insults and Angel, that makes my morning good. *gives you pie*
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:34 am (UTC)
Mmmmmm. *hopes it's pecan or cherry because apple pie is really disguised ox boogers with sugar*
... - bitchygrrl - Feb. 3rd, 2006 09:47 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:09 am (UTC)
Okay, between the lovely quotes *snerk* and discussion regarding the patenting of hand jobs, my Friday's off to a pretty darn good start :-)
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:34 am (UTC)
Hoooray! Now: does ANYONE have a guess as to what Spike called it?
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:20 am (UTC)
Can't write a proper comment due to shaking with laughter! *dies*
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:35 am (UTC)
Oh, I love that icon of yours. :D

Glad you laughed! yay!
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:34 am (UTC)

This is excellent! I love the first three sentences to death, as well as:

Anyway, she forgot to turn her class ring around and I couldn't help that I convulsed a bit and turned the Bunsen burner up high and singed her hair

nostrils flaring unnecessarily

Spike already tried.


You're awesome.

Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:36 am (UTC)
WHEEEE!!! BUNSEN BURNER. *gets out crucible for Scientific Experiment*

Thanks, Mar!! I am seriously abusing exclamation points today.
... - marlo - Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:40 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:37 am (UTC)
*giggles helplessly* Boys!! Hand jobs! Fried ice cream!! You've capture the essense of my high school years in one swoop. *adores*

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

Whoop!! Hometown boy! Go Irvin! Well, not go, because...um...corpse, but still...yee haw!
Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:10 am (UTC)
Hopefully not hand jobs while eating fried ice cream. Both require your full attention and not multi-tasking, IMO. :D

Oh, I love the snark. LOVE IT.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 08:38 am (UTC)
Heeee! You're sneaky. Fun stuff.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:11 am (UTC)
Ha! Sneaky? Oh, do tell!

(See what I meant about us going in COMPLETELY different directions with this?) Yay! That was fun.
... - entrenous88 - Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:19 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 3rd, 2006 10:12 am (UTC)
WHEEEE!! Oh, and look at your beautiful icon! Lovely. I'm glad I was able to please you my Anne-girl!
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 3rd, 2006 12:47 pm (UTC)
Heee!! WAIT! I thought that was a general disclaimer for the whole journal?

IF NOT: Do not eat or drink while reading this LJ. Proceed with caution.

*performs heimlich*
Feb. 3rd, 2006 11:34 am (UTC)
Hee! I love Connor's reaction to Xander talking about "when you date Cordy..." *g* Loose-grip slide... Hee!
Feb. 3rd, 2006 12:49 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEE!!! And Connor went further than Xander (we are led to believe). Bwah!

Loose grip slide. Learn it. Love it. :D
Feb. 3rd, 2006 12:40 pm (UTC)
Therapy putty? Not sure what that means.

Damn, no nekkidness. Did you come up with these names (you know what I mean) all on your own? Very ingenious. Never thought about Xander and Connor comparing notes. Add Angel in there, and who knows where it will take you.

Very funny.
Feb. 3rd, 2006 12:51 pm (UTC)
Therapy putty? No? It's like play-do for grownups. Like... my son HAS to constantly move/use his hands. He keeps a little of it in his pocket in school so he doesn't twist his hair out, draw on the desk... Giles ALWAYS had to do something with his hands (it's an ASH thing, really).

I did come up with the names! You hang around boys long enough, you hear things... :D
... - crayonbreakygal - Feb. 3rd, 2006 03:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 3rd, 2006 02:07 pm (UTC)
patented hand jobs!

you are a crazy genius.

I'm thinking of that scene with the dogwalking girl in S7 "Has anybody here NOT given each other a hand job?"
Feb. 4th, 2006 06:21 am (UTC)
See, the problem is that you can't patent the MOVE. But possibly the name and any implements USED WITH the move.

I'm thinking Ron Popeil has the answers and HE'S NOT TALKING.

once a year or so, I talk like a lawyer - likeadeuce - Feb. 4th, 2006 07:49 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 4th, 2006 01:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 49 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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