I've slacked on posting my PotC fic, because I want to make it the best it can be, so ACK. I was seriously stressing about not posting a chapter a day, but... Do I want to keep a schedule, or do I want it to be good? SO! To bring a laugh and a smile to everyone, I have compiled lists!
#1: Best. T-Shirt Slogans. EVER. WARNING! Naughty. DUH.
- I'm what Willis was talkin' 'bout.
- If you're already this close, why don't you just suck my dick?
- What Would Jesus Do? (For a Klondike bar?)
- I shaved my balls for this?
- Your girl wasn't a racist last night.
- I stole this shirt from a homeless guy - why he had a shirt that says this, I'll never know.
- Your sister is hot but your mom does that thing with her tongue.
- I beta-tested your girlfriend. (Boyfriend is an option, as well)
- At least you're looking at my shirt instead of my enormous erection.
- The funniest thing about this shirt is that by the time you realize it doesn't say anything it's too late for you to stop reading it you dumb fuck.
- There are two people fucking on the back of this shirt... just kidding. Believe in Jesus! (oh god, I laughed so hard!)
- Michael Jackson did not molest those children - he made love to them.
- I came on Eileen. (bwah! SUE!)
- Spin my dreidel (and by dreidel I mean cock and by spin I mean suck)
- I'm here to kill you - next time keep that chain letter going.
- Some of my best friends are white people.
- I'm not fat, I'm American.
- Restraining orders are just another way of saying I love you.
And the BEST TEE-SHIRT IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE:
Dumbledore dies on page 598. I just saved you four hours and $30.
#2. And.... I needed to be evil. Horrible. Some might say... mean? And found some great bad!fic.
- his powerful orgasm left him lobotomized with pleasure. (because everyone likes fucking a retard. My sister is autistic. Don't jump my shit for using the R word.)
- he [was] pressing his brain for an instant replay. (aaaaaand now we see how he "really" got that lobotomy. Brains + fingers = glaaaaaahdrool.)
- she placed her eye in the peephole (no one told me it was a zombie fic!)
- she was hooked on his semen for life (how many did the phonics "worked for me!" line? Also, methadone might help her get off the spunk... Someone send Buffy a D.A.R.E. shirt.)
- her fuck drive by had left his impotent sort of speak (did you forget he scrambled his brain with his fingers? that's why this makes no sense.)
- his soaring shaft (I can show you the world..... On a magic cock-et ride! A whole new worllllld!)
- the runway of brown curls leading to the puckered flesh that winked at him for contact. (puckered. PUCKERED. Also, she started with an airport metaphor, but dropped it. How about: ...leading to the underground runway of vag-tunnel with a one-way ticket to Orgasmville?)
- she hoped there were no rude New Yorkers in the mood to bump her. She was wrong. (ETA: and now an icon for sharing! This just cracks me up. Goddamn rude NYers! I need to change my mood theme to have a "bump Buffy")
- Buffy snatched the jaw of peanut butter out of his grasp. (jaw. You know, the museums REALLY don't like it when you take the skeletons apart and steal bits, then use them for dishes. Trust me - I found out the hard way.)
- desperate kissing was making William's cock grow and expand. It needed a place to release itself. (Okay, I'm picturing a balloon. And the next instinct is to flinch because of the impending explosion. Not good to couple that with "cock." Also - needed a place to release? Isn't it in the vag-tunnel with a one-way ticket to Orgasmville? OH. Layover.)
- [her] pussy began whispering nasty things to her (You'll never make it in the big city. Your father likes your sister more than you. Everyone saw you fall on the sidewalk and they ALL LAUGHED. Your ass is GINORMOUS.)
- After sharing such an erotic moment, William knew it was time to eat. (So he went for some take out - making out made him HUNGRY. Oh. Not what she meant? Oh, she is SLY and CLEVER.)
- Buffy's pussy lassoed him in. (I'd like to officially declare a moratorium on all Brokeback jokes, 'kay?)
And the most LITERAL and ACCURATE type-o EVER:
he had a face blessed by angles.