Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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For those that are new around here, I'm not a believer. I don't mock others who are Christian, I'm not one of those atheists - okay, sometimes, but never to your face. Honest. But I love Easter for all the pagan rituals it sprang from. But I'm not all into Zombie!Jesus.™ (Zombie!Jesus™ belongs to violethamster and all her entities) Yes, Easter is the celebration where millions of believers across the globe gather to rejoice in the creation of the first zombie, The Lord Christ. But he didn't want braaaaaaiiiiiiiins. He wanted your SOUL! But not in a cool Evil Dead way.

Okay! If you are laughing at this point, continue on! If not, RUN. WARNING: BLASPHEMY. I'm on a one way ticket to hell. First class, baby.

I give you: "EASTER!" set to the tune of "Thriller" by Michael "boys' pants half off" Jackson.

Don't even act like you don't know this song top to bottom. EVERYONE knows Thriller.

It's close to three days and something glowy's lurking in the cave
Under the moonlight - without his death no sinners can be saved
The Sadducees - they claimed eternal life to be forsaken
The Pharisees - the jots and tittles scales over their eyes -
He will arise!

'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
And nuthin's gonna save Judas from swingin' from a Rowan
Yes, He has risen! Easter Morn'!
He's fighting for ya life - eternal - ever - lastin' Glory!

You hear the boulder slam (bam!) and realize there's nuthin' left inside
You feel the cooooold linen and wonder was he really God's Only Pride?
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination (yeah!)
But all the while - you're thinkin' of Moeshe, Coen and Schlomo -
You've been a ho!

'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't no second chance from He who fasted forty nights girl! (hooo! hooo!)
'Cause He has risen! Easter Morn'!
There ain't Eternal Life for a killer - sinner - unborn!

Legions will crawl
And Lazarus will walk with resurrection...
There's no escaping the reanimated Rabboni
He says you won't die
Echo: He says that you will not die.... (hoo!)

They're out to get you - evangelists surround your every side
They will possess you, "The Watchtower" - your actions it will chide
Now is the time - for atheists to bond so close together
The Born Agains - they won't accept that some do not Believe
They'll make you see!

That He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
And He can save you more than any Buddha'd ever dare try! (Hooooo! Hooo!)
'Cause He is Risen! Easter Morn'!
So let them dunk you down into a river, bathtub tonight!

(Vincent Price "rap")
Darkness falls across the land
The nine inch nails driven in His hands
Soldiers pierce in search of blood
To prove His life now is mud
And whosoever played not nice
And denied Himself not once but thrice
Must stand and face the public's scorn
And live their life most forlorn
The foulest stench was in the air
The funk of two thieves not given care
He shambled out of sepulchre gloom
To seal the fate of sinner's doom
And though you fight for your own life
He wonders, "Goest thou... wither?"
For no mere mortal can do without
Zombie!Jesus - Eternal Life Giver!

(maniacal laughter, echoes out)


If... if I've made your Sunday service a little more enjoyable from this, I have succeeded. Visualizing the zombie apostles in their tattered togas with grey, decomposing faces doing the cool dance with Michael/Jesus is just an extra. God I want a Zombie Jesus/Thriller video icon SO MUCH.
Tags: funneh, music!, random statements
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