Short, but OH MAN.

Not to say that I write fantastic sex scenes. BUT. I know that none of the following is sexy. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, but sex scenes are supposed to be - what's the word? *snaps, snaps* SEXY.

• being fornicated Even the Amish will say "fuck" if the mood is right and it's Rumspringa


• fingering his nipples I don't think it works that way, unless you have gauze to pack the holes to slow the bleeding (And this wasn't a Wolverine fic. Which would make sense.)


• "Do you taste like chocolate and mint down in your pussy?" Okay, I love Thin Mints, I'm not gonna lie to you, but I don't "love" them. If you see where I'm going here.

In that same fic above, a Hermione/Draco/Blaise threeway, for the record, brought about by Hermione baking brownies and Draco and Blaise deciding it was time to bone Hermione - the way to a man's heart and all that, I suppose - Draco times his orgasm so the brownies don't burn. DUDE. He's better than an egg timer! Impressive for a TEENAGER.

• her breasts were juggling And for my next trick! I'll blow a candle out with my poon while tap dancing to Swan Lake! Maestro? Music, please!


• "...make love to me," she said and my brain and mind went all excited. Brain and mind? Um, I think you left out the part that's needed for sex.


• My bed was smell of pure sex. [...] We left the bed as it, smelt. I did not alter the text there one bit. WOW. And I really don't need a lot of odor with my sex. Just me?


• ...pounded into her crotch, spearing through her slurping snatch, honey gushing from her cock-stuffed twat. If I'm thinking of carving up a turkey at Thanksgiving, you've painted the wrong picture. Stuffed? Spearing? SLURPING? Also, I need many, many showers now.


• ...while [he] slurped and drooled over the girl's throbbing pubescent breast bud There are ninety-seven things wrong with this. 97. YOU HEARD ME. (Also, I've said it once, I'll say it again: WE DO NOT FUCK THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED, PEOPLE. Drooled??)


• the bumps on her shaven mons rippled under his tongue Things I don't need to get off: manuals.


• man juice CALL MY bad!fic girl! She's been plagiarized! She-juice? HELLO.


• TIT BUDS Let's call them buds, nipples... Okay, this could just be me. I dun lyk tit bud.

And last: in reference to Arthur Weasley's enormous schlong (I'm not even going to tell you what he was going to DO with it, because I would like to keep my breakfast down, thanks) : The Weasley Whopper.

For those that enjoy precision when you write about penis length, because IT IS IMPORTANT TO HAVE THAT DOWN TO THE QUARTER INCH, there's now a handy conversion chart if all you have is shoes size to work with.

*pounds fist into hand* Ve must be PRECISE! Und now I vill go und finish ze feek I am verkink on.

[ETA] because I've been wondering about this for a while. When am I going to read "dugs" in a fic re: bewbies?