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This Funnel Cake* is Kicking My Ass!


Title: "I Have A Bad Feeling About This..."
Author: Stoney321
Rating, Characters: PG-13, Xander, Andrew, Various Slayerettes
Summary: Season 7 Buffy, pre-"Dirty Girls," post "Storytellers." A rare daytime moment of not fighting the Turok-Han or listening to bitchy 16 year olds whine about Buffy. Also: Playstation. Is it the superior gaming system? OR IS THAT BASED ON LIES? You decide, gentle viewers.
Disclaimer: Not only do I not own anything in Jossverse, or make money, I can't even sell my SOUL.
Betas: cherusha, entrenous88, and crazydiamondsue all tucked my commas back in, and pointed out when I quit sounding like the characters. They are all fantastic for their hand-holding.
A/N: Written for the lynnevitational challenge. Original prompt from _beetle_ And... I missed the slash-mark big time, I am so, so sorry. Here's what sprang forth from my broken mind, instead. Written in script format, which I believe by virtue of not being mentioned as a no-no, makes it legal. Yes, I am using a three-year-old's defense. *bakes cookies to soften your hearts* And I always welcome constructive criticism. Knock your socks off.

I Have A Bad Feeling About This...


Camera swoops left to right from BACK EXT. to establish Potentials training under Buffy's tutelage outside, across KITCHEN to the LIVING ROOM, then focuses on XANDER and ANDREW playing video games.

XANDER jumps to his feet with a controller in his hand. ANDREW is banging his onto his palm, a worried expression on his face:

Oh! OH!! You know what that sound is?

More frustrated clicking from Andrew.

That, my friend-killing hostage, is the sound of me...

XANDER sticks his tongue out, performs a series of complicated thumb motions.

Yeah! The sound of me kicking your nerd ass!

Andrew throws his controller onto the sofa in disgust, arms crossed.

Yeah, well, this controller is broken.
Or something. Besides...
Mortal Kombat is a game for plebeians.
Everyone knows this game blows
sand worms.

I am not even going to ask
what that last one meant.
But you know who says this game sucks?

(struggling to come up with an explanation)
I am not a loser! I am merely used to...
more... sophisticated games.
And controllers. XBox is a far
superior gaming system.

Andrew massages his right hand and pouts.

And I totally got a cramp in my thumb
trying to roundhouse kick your guy,
and Buffy's all out of aspirin.

Xander rolls his eyes, leans back and digs into his pocket.

Here. Don't ask. You patrol for
seven years, you learn to keep
a few things handy.

(taking the aspirin)
Thanks, Dr. Harris, Medicine Woman. Hmm,
I'm going to need a juice box to wash these down.
I can't swallow these without
kiwi-strawberry Capri-Suns. Oooh!
Maybe there's still some Fruit Roll-Ups left!

Andrew bounces up and heads to the KITCHEN with Xander following.


Well you're just fifteen shades
of manly, aren't you?

Andrew, visibly annoyed, pantomimes a game-controller motion with his thumbs, stopping Xander in his tracks.

Did... you just X, X, up, circle me?

(with respect for Xander)
I see you are familiar with the
ways of Final Fantasy Origins.
Impressive. Most impressive.

Xander pulls his hand up into his sleeve, clutches at his forearm and moans a la Luke Skywalker:

No. NO! I'll never join you!

It is your dessssssss-tiny.

Andrew performs the universally-accepted respirator-breath noise.


Andrew visibly relaxes. He's finally having a good time with one of the Scoobies.

(with "finger quotes" on Padmè)
You know, that would have been awesome if
Chao-Ahn and Kennedy didn't eat all of the
cinnamon buns, because then I could act like
my midichlorians were hearing your midichlorians,
but all we have left is a lemon jelly donut and
a bear claw, and that's a bit too "Padmè" for the
Imperial Trilogy. And... I don't want
to get sugar in my hair. You'd think with
all these girls here there would be some
decent product around.

Who the hell likes lemon jellies,
and I am completely ignoring your derailment
into Total Queenie Dork Land.

(defeated, quietly)
I am not a dork.

Ass sphincter says what?

Oh, who's the dork now?
Oh! Oh! I know!!

There's only the two of us, Andrew.
Everyone's outside training. This isn't
a hard question to get wrong.

No, not that. I've wanted to ask you
a question for a long time, and I kept forgetting
what it was. I just remembered it!

Xander takes a huge bite out of the jelly donut, gags and scrapes the jelly off his tongue.

Glah... Forgot: lemon.
Where's that bear cla-- Oh.
Go on. Ask away.

Andrew hops onto the counter. Actually, Andrew tries to hop up, but doesn't make it and scrapes his back on the sharp edge. Whimpering, he tries again finally resorting to reaching out with his foot and pushing up off the edge of the trashcan to make it up on the counter top.

You think you got it, sport?
Need a minute to catch your breath?

I have an... an inner ear thing.
It makes it hard for... You made me forget
what I was going to ask you again!

Smirking, Xander shoves the last chunk of pastry into his mouth, wiping his hands on his chest pockets.

Oh, okay, I remember. So.
Did you change into smart-mouthed
and sure-to-die Kowalski, or did you just
become PFC Harris, army you?

(gaping for a moment in confusion)
Did you change into someone else,
because... not following.

Andrew smiling sadly, sighs and shakes his head

Oh, how you have failed me, Harris.
Once upon a time when our high school hadn't
been blown up by the Vampyre Slayer and the
wily, yet germ-phobic Mayor, you turned into
some kind of army guy, correct? Because of
that spell Mr. Giles' nemesis put on some costumes
at Halloween? And that was the last time I ever
had anything to do with Card Captors cosplay.
Worst costume ever to turn into.
Maybe if I had been at Comic-Con...

Aside from your head, did you have a point?

The point was... you became a military guy, right?

(trying to follow the logic)

And in every single movie with a branch of
the military in it there's a guy named--

--Kowalski, right! Oh, unless it's a bomb squad,
then there's always an expert named--

--Johnson! Warren always laughed whenever
Jonathan or I said 'Johnson.' Huh.

Xander lets that last one slide.

No, I did not become "Game over, man" Kowalski.
And I know his name was Holden, not Kowalski.
I was 'weapons expert and take charge guy' Harris.

Andrew plays with his hoodie zipper, trying to keep the conversation going.

Oh. Cool. Hey, Xander?

Yeah, Andrew?

You know, the way she runs The Magic Box,
you'd think Anya was a Ferengi. Except for
that whole 'she's a female' thing.

There were female Ferengi! Don't you remember
they kept them all naked? And that's--

Xander looks over his shoulder to make sure no one is within earshot.

(cont'd, conspiratorially)
Okay, I've never told anyone this before, but, uh...
One of those guys looks just like Principal Snyder.

Quark! Seriously!
But that's impossible, unless he was taken
into a wormhole, and mated with another Ferengi,
but they're all male, and that's a little... Huh.
Oh, right. Naked females. Forgot.

You do understand that we are in this thing called
"reality" and not an actual movie, right? Because
most of the time I don't think you really get that.

No, it's just... Okay. I know that, because
in all honesty, you would have been the first to die.
It's the Stormtrooper Effect.

Xander grips the counter tightly and leans his weight back against it, obviously trying to not pummel Andrew.

Andrew? I'm pretty sure that my pitching in
to help my friend doesn't make me security
detail. Buffy is security. And for the
whole earth, I might add, not just for some evil
overlord with asthma that's mad because his
mom was tortured by sand people.
And as a result, hates sand. And uses his
hatred for sand as a lame pick-up line.

No, not that, and I'll just say that maybe
I agree with you on the sand thing. And all
Anakin really wanted was for the the Jedi
council to see him as...

Andrew is clearly agitated, but trying to regain control.

I'm trying to stay spoiler-free, okay? I don't even want
to speculate on what Lucas is going to say in Episode Three.
It's just that you're the weak link and-- OW!
OW! Okay! Okay!

Andrew slides off the counter, wincing as Xander holds his ear lobe tightly, twisting up just enough to shut him up.

GOD. You could have taken my ear off!
I'm telling Mr. Giles when he gets back that
you used brute force on me. I think only Dawn
is allowed at this point.
Maybe Anya.

This "weak link" issue has obviously struck a nerve with Xander.

I am not the weak link! If there's anything weak
around here, it's you with your whining about juice
boxes and your not contributing to anything around
here and using all the lotion. I do not want
to know what that's all about.

Andrew, still in pain, or feigning, is backed into the corner, wary.

I have very dry, sensitive skin, and I contribute!
I contribute big time!

CAMERA: POV switch to the Big Board, on display for Buffy and Giles' benefit, evidently. POV back to two-shot after a beat.

Right. The dry erase--

He stops himself, closes his eyes and gives a small nod.

The Big Board.

Thank you.

The Big Board with all of the information
we know, which is nothing, and your
very disturbing drawings.

Andrew brightens, eager for praise.

Disturbing because they look like
something my cousin would draw.
Oh, and he's four, Andrew.

CAMERA: POV shift to window, showing the Potentials still exercising with Buffy. Some of their noise filters in, POV shift back to Andrew, visibly hurt and trying to cover.

I admit that I do not employ Chiaroscuro shading
or.. um, any discernible technique,
but I do add one element that is unique,
Mr. Xander Harris.

And that is?


Oh, god. When is this babysitting
gig gonna end?

Hey! I do not need a babysitter!
How many times--

Andrew walks his fingers across the counter top and plays with the fruit bowl, acting super-casual

--How many times do I have to tell you
guys that I'm good now? Didn't my
tearful confession over the Seal of
Danthazar mean anything?

Xander pushes the bowl out of his reach.

Stop that. We don't need your hand germs
all over the oranges. And yes.
It meant a lot. It meant that now
we don't have to worry about the big uglies
popping up for a little killing anytime they
feel like it. How did they get that door
opened in the first place? Oh, right.
You murdered your best friend.

Hey! I am not an agent of
The First anymore.

He grabs an orange out of the dish with defiance.

No longer will The First be able to use me
as Its main weapon in this ultimate battle of
good versus evil. And we should really give
It a better name. 'First' is seriously lame.
Even the Smurfs battled a greater-named nemesis.

How about something like "Killinator?" Or more succinct... like
"Big Scary Evil Creator that Makes All The Other Bad Things Pale in Comparison?"

That's the worst acronym I've ever heard.

Xander bites his lip, makes a fist and moans, then turns sharply on his heel to leave the kitchen. Andrew, wincing at angering him, carefully sets the orange back in the bowl and hurries after him.


(following hot on Xander's heels)
Personally, I've been referring to It in my head as
It-Who-Must-Not-Be-Taunted. Or-Wire-Tapped.
Dumbledore could totally kick Its ass.

RONA and MOLLY, sweating profusely, enter from FRONT DOOR, walk past, and head towards the KITCHEN for water bottles. Molly hollers over her shoulder as she EXITS:

Dumbledore ain't real, Andrew. But
Gandalf could totally kick Its arse.

Touchè Molly, for indeed,
the Balrog resembles The First.

CAMERA: POV shift to BACK DOOR. Rona has her arms filled with bottles and was listening to this exchange. She shakes her head and pushes DOOR open with her shoulder.

Y'all are a bunch of lame white people.
And I am going to die.

CAMERA: POC shift back to Andrew and Xander in the LIVING ROOM

Did anyone think to give Buffy a staff?
I could do... research?

Andrew, I don't think watching The Two Towers
qualifies as research.

No one will let me do anything.
I have all of this knowledge.
All of this power....

Xander raises his eyebrows, not saying anything.

Look! I can contribute! I can help, if you'd
just let me! When are we going to get to the
scene where Buffy, as Ripley, realizes that
I am Bishop of the sequel, not the evil Ash
of the original?

Okay, now you're just cra-- .
You know, that's actually pretty good.
I take it that means you're going to sacrifice yourself
for the good of the rest of us then? Oh.
You aren't going to...

Xander makes a face and points at Andrew's limbs.

...Go all creamy, squishy and burbley,
are you? Because that was just gross.

Andrew gulps at "sacrifice" and sits down on the nearest chair.

We're gonna be blown to bits like Alderaan
even though we are a peaceful planet.
The First doesn't care.

Peaceful? You sent magical winged monkeys
to attack the drama club!

It was the production of Romeo and Juliet, thank you.
And they totally deserved it. I mean, that's as
overdone as Our Town.

You three built robot girlfriends
for your own pleasures!

Okay, we need to be clear on something.
Those were not robots. Those were ANDROIDS,
thank you. And I didn't build them in the
first place, Warren did. I wanted to build...
Never mind.

Oh, no you don't. What?
Android Replicants?

That's a bit redundant, Carpenter, although twenty points
and a free roll for the Blade Runner reference. No,
I wanted to build... a... Well, originally I wanted to build a
server farm that would take over the gaming world.

You've never even seen a naked person, have you?

Spi-- .Spe-cifically? No. A little. They didn't take
all of their clothes off. Anya has great skin.
Almost as pretty as Spi--.
She's hot.

Xander stands and rolls up his shirt sleeves, clearly fed up.

That's it.
Come on, little man. It's time for you
to have a little smack down. Okay,
a lot of smack down.

Andrew dashes behind the chair, ready to drop boneless at the first sign of attack.

(buying time)
Hold the phone! You were...
You were both on a break, and no one
can resist the alabaster glory that is Spi--

Xander fakes with his right and slaps Andrew upside his head with his left, eliciting a high keening sound before Andrew falls to the floor, wiggling under the chair for protection.

CHAO-AHN ENTERS from KITCHEN, stops in her tracks when she sees the boys fighting.

(In Cantonese, subtitled, to Xander)
I thought we couldn't hit him? Mr. Giles made drawings --!
(points at Andrew)
He keeps giving me Pok-è-mon comic books
and making Bruce Lee noises at me.

Andrew and Xander stop what they are doing.

(to Xander)
See? She's saying that we should be using
our strength to fight Evil, and not each other.
They are a peaceful people, the Chinese.
(to Chao-Ahn)

Chao-Ahn shakes her head.

I am so sick of this place.
It smells like feet and cheese.
All the fighting and no good malls...

Chao-Ahn EXITS up the STAIRS, talking.

Andrew looks at Xander, nervous.

You want to play again?

No broken windows, no broken furniture... No jobs for Xander, in other words. He realizes this.

Fine. But if I catch you trying to unplug my
controller again...

My hand slipped!

Xander turns the TV back on, starts up the video game.

I'm going to die, aren't I? It's just like in video games:
easy stuff first, like Vampyres, then the Bringers,
then the Uber-Vamps, until finally it's the big old
TRON head that mocks us all.

(waits a beat, then kindly)
You know...
They beat the TRON head.

(fidgeting with the controller)
Yeah, well... a lot of disc warriors and tank commanders
died before they threw the killer frisbee at the spinny-head thing.

Xander plops on the sofa next to Andrew, claps his shoulder and gives a reassuring squeeze.

I'll let you win?
(a beat)
I'm talking about the game.

Yeah. I know.
I'm Nitara this time, okay? She's hot.

She's a lot like Drusilla...


...and for fun, here's a link to all seven seasons of Buffy, in script form.


( 49 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 22nd, 2006 05:56 pm (UTC)
AHHHHHHH~ Did not see this format coming!! Awesome, man. AWE-SOME.
May. 22nd, 2006 06:00 pm (UTC)
I tried this after talking to you this morning... I just-

Scraping the whole thing? I felt like crap having done that. *huge hugs for your Youness*
... - cherusha - May. 22nd, 2006 08:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 23rd, 2006 05:44 am (UTC) - Expand
... - cherusha - May. 23rd, 2006 06:26 am (UTC) - Expand
May. 22nd, 2006 06:15 pm (UTC)
I bow at the altar of stoney hilarity. You rock, chicca! I laughed outloud through the whole thing!

May. 22nd, 2006 06:32 pm (UTC)
Yay! Laughing is good. Glad I could make you!
May. 22nd, 2006 06:31 pm (UTC)
May. 22nd, 2006 06:33 pm (UTC)
(Deleted comment)
May. 22nd, 2006 06:44 pm (UTC)
Oh, thanks! And proof the others SKIMMED. Mmm hmmm. :D

Dude, you are a hand-holder extraordinaire!! Thank you thank you for telling me to just write this like you're the only one reading it.

...which may turn out to be an almost-prophecy.

(re-reading all of SMCD, to remind myself of all the other brilliant bits. You'll get yer feeding from me, promise.)
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - May. 22nd, 2006 07:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 22nd, 2006 06:47 pm (UTC)
this fic = love.

May. 22nd, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
you - ♥

Thanks SO much. *cracking up at your icon*

This funnel cake is kicking my ass!
May. 22nd, 2006 07:02 pm (UTC)
This is SO AWESOME. I'm not a huge Xander fan, but reading him and Andrew trade sci-fi references just makes me squee like a Skywalker groupie. You hit both their voices bang-on. Even the walk-on parts from Rona and Chao-Ahn made me laugh out loud. And the ending, where Xander tries to subtly reassure him, is really quite touching.

Nobody does comedy the way you do, babe. You are the undisputed queen. Joss would be proud. *doffs cap*
May. 22nd, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
*bats at you* Aw....

I have to say, that re-reading the scripts from S7, and Giles is constantly speaking in CAPS to Chao-Ahn made me laugh so hard. Good inspiration, that was.

"Like many Asians, I am lactose intolerant. I am very uncomfortable right now." Hahaha!!

♥ <-- times a million.
May. 22nd, 2006 07:57 pm (UTC)
So, so funny!

No longer will The First be able to use me
as Its main weapon in this ultimate battle of
good versus evil. And we should really give
It a better name. 'First' is seriously lame.
Even the Smurfs battled a greater-named nemesis.

Andrew - the main weapon. Hee hee. And Gargamel is a much scarier name than "First."

Loved all the geeky references. (And was happy to see some I didn't get, so there's still hope for me yet).

May. 23rd, 2006 05:46 am (UTC)
Yay! Ha, Gargamel is a TOTALLY awe-inspiring name, right? (Oooh, which ones didn't you get? Oh, Caza, did I out nerd you? I did have Sue fix a Star Trek reference - because I bow to y'all's ST:TNG knowledge)
... - elcazavampiros - May. 23rd, 2006 06:22 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 23rd, 2006 06:32 am (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
May. 22nd, 2006 09:40 pm (UTC)
Well you're just fifteen shades of manly, aren't you?

*dies laughing* And that is such a Xander-ism too!

Y'all are a bunch of lame white people. And I am going to die.

Everyone was spot-on in here, and I am just full of happy squeefulness for all the Xander/Andrew nerd-isms(in my mind, after the last episode, they totally got together. But that's probably just me).

In short, you pwn. You pwn so hard.
May. 23rd, 2006 05:48 am (UTC)
(I think there are three of you. Maybe more. :D I like Andrew forever ambiguous, personally)

So glad you laughed and thought it was decent, THANK YOU!!

*laughs at your icon* Hahaha. I love Andrew.
May. 22nd, 2006 10:49 pm (UTC)
What the hell were you worried about? This is seriously brilliant! You've nailed the voices, nailed the characters, it's pitch perfect and it's something ME could have written.

Bravo, stoney. Bravo!
May. 23rd, 2006 05:49 am (UTC)
(I was worried because aside from the characters existing in this fic, I got NONE of the other requests/prompts in! None! Ack.)

Hurrah for laughing!! Yay for nerds! Um... Bravo to YOU! :D
May. 23rd, 2006 07:30 am (UTC)

I loved it! So fun and so perfectly done, I could see it all playing out in my head.

*scampers back to reread*

Great, Stoney!

May. 23rd, 2006 08:23 am (UTC)
Hooray! Thanks for saying that, and glad you had fun reading it. *huge sigh of relief*
May. 23rd, 2006 10:44 am (UTC)
Oh, you suffered so much and came so close - with the funny, the lotion, the Big Board, Buhsectmatobtipscuh. I was a happy, laughing fanfic reader.

But then you reminded me of the existence of Molly. You gave her DIALOGUE. That broke Rule #3, so I'm afraid you lose at BtVS. I'm sorry. Your membership card is self destructing as you read this.

*sneakily starts rereading while pretending to scowl*
May. 23rd, 2006 02:49 pm (UTC)

People get upset about MOLLY? She's not even on the Eve scale! Or... Kennedy!

But aside from that you laughed, so I feel my job here is done! *beams*
... - gillo - May. 23rd, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
...24 hours later you get a response - brutti_ma_buoni - May. 24th, 2006 10:34 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: ...24 hours later you get a response - stoney321 - May. 24th, 2006 11:30 am (UTC) - Expand
May. 23rd, 2006 03:05 pm (UTC)
Great fun - and very plausible. I love irritating Andrew.

One of those guys looks just like Principal Snyder.

Hee hee.

May. 23rd, 2006 03:24 pm (UTC)
Heh. Couldn't resist a little Snyder shout-out.

Thanks, and glad you enjoyed it!
(Deleted comment)
May. 24th, 2006 11:28 am (UTC)
Ahahaha!! "This funnel cake is kicking my ass!" You KNOW this was as jamed packed as I could make it (dude, PAGES I left out. With aliens, and suckerpods, and how that's apparently not a hindrance in building advance spaceships, on and on) for YOUR benefit, right???

You are my Andrew audience: if I can make you laugh, I'm satisfied.

... - gillo - May. 24th, 2006 04:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 24th, 2006 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
May. 27th, 2006 07:58 pm (UTC)
I bow down before your brilliance. This is freakin' hilarious. I can't believe you referenced Tron.

One of those guys looks just like Principal Snyder. I love it when fics reference Armin's role on both shows. *g*

using all the lotion. Oh man. You kill me.

Just ... all the great references. The funny. Xander's snark about Jonathan. You rock, baby.
May. 28th, 2006 03:44 pm (UTC)
Oh, THANKS!! And I was a little disappointed in myself for not putting in more sf references, but it was already bursting at the seams. Heh.

*beams* I know comedy isn't popular in LJ-land, so every little comment is rolled in glitter and put on my shelf. Thanks, Sal.
... - moosesal - May. 28th, 2006 05:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 28th, 2006 05:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - moosesal - May. 28th, 2006 05:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 28th, 2006 05:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - moosesal - May. 28th, 2006 06:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 8th, 2006 02:41 pm (UTC)
That was very funny, I enjoyed a lot!
Oct. 8th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
Oh, hooray! Thanks for reading and taking the time to fb, I greatly appreciate it!
( 49 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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