Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

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This Funnel Cake* is Kicking My Ass!

*ficathon

Title: "I Have A Bad Feeling About This..."
Author: Stoney321
Rating, Characters: PG-13, Xander, Andrew, Various Slayerettes
Summary: Season 7 Buffy, pre-"Dirty Girls," post "Storytellers." A rare daytime moment of not fighting the Turok-Han or listening to bitchy 16 year olds whine about Buffy. Also: Playstation. Is it the superior gaming system? OR IS THAT BASED ON LIES? You decide, gentle viewers.
Disclaimer: Not only do I not own anything in Jossverse, or make money, I can't even sell my SOUL.
Betas: cherusha, entrenous88, and crazydiamondsue all tucked my commas back in, and pointed out when I quit sounding like the characters. They are all fantastic for their hand-holding.
A/N: Written for the lynnevitational challenge. Original prompt from _beetle_ And... I missed the slash-mark big time, I am so, so sorry. Here's what sprang forth from my broken mind, instead. Written in script format, which I believe by virtue of not being mentioned as a no-no, makes it legal. Yes, I am using a three-year-old's defense. *bakes cookies to soften your hearts* And I always welcome constructive criticism. Knock your socks off.


I Have A Bad Feeling About This...
~*~*~*~


INT. SUMMER'S HOUSE - DAY

Camera swoops left to right from BACK EXT. to establish Potentials training under Buffy's tutelage outside, across KITCHEN to the LIVING ROOM, then focuses on XANDER and ANDREW playing video games.

XANDER jumps to his feet with a controller in his hand. ANDREW is banging his onto his palm, a worried expression on his face:

XANDER
Oh! OH!! You know what that sound is?


More frustrated clicking from Andrew.

XANDER
That, my friend-killing hostage, is the sound of me...


XANDER sticks his tongue out, performs a series of complicated thumb motions.

XANDER
(cont'd)
Yeah! The sound of me kicking your nerd ass!


Andrew throws his controller onto the sofa in disgust, arms crossed.

ANDREW
Yeah, well, this controller is broken.
Or something. Besides...
Mortal Kombat is a game for plebeians.
Everyone knows this game blows
sand worms.


XANDER
I am not even going to ask
what that last one meant.
But you know who says this game sucks?
Losers.


ANDREW
(struggling to come up with an explanation)
I am not a loser! I am merely used to...
more... sophisticated games.
And controllers. XBox is a far
superior gaming system.


Andrew massages his right hand and pouts.

ANDREW
(cont'd)
And I totally got a cramp in my thumb
trying to roundhouse kick your guy,
and Buffy's all out of aspirin.


Xander rolls his eyes, leans back and digs into his pocket.

XANDER
Here. Don't ask. You patrol for
seven years, you learn to keep
a few things handy.


ANDREW
(taking the aspirin)
Thanks, Dr. Harris, Medicine Woman. Hmm,
I'm going to need a juice box to wash these down.
I can't swallow these without
kiwi-strawberry Capri-Suns. Oooh!
Maybe there's still some Fruit Roll-Ups left!


Andrew bounces up and heads to the KITCHEN with Xander following.

CAMERA: POV shift to INT. - KITCHEN

XANDER
Well you're just fifteen shades
of manly, aren't you?


Andrew, visibly annoyed, pantomimes a game-controller motion with his thumbs, stopping Xander in his tracks.

XANDER
Did... you just X, X, up, circle me?


ANDREW
(with respect for Xander)
I see you are familiar with the
ways of Final Fantasy Origins.
Impressive. Most impressive.


Xander pulls his hand up into his sleeve, clutches at his forearm and moans a la Luke Skywalker:

XANDER
No. NO! I'll never join you!


ANDREW
It is your dessssssss-tiny.


Andrew performs the universally-accepted respirator-breath noise.

XANDER
...Leia!


Andrew visibly relaxes. He's finally having a good time with one of the Scoobies.

ANDREW
(with "finger quotes" on Padmè)
You know, that would have been awesome if
Chao-Ahn and Kennedy didn't eat all of the
cinnamon buns, because then I could act like
my midichlorians were hearing your midichlorians,
but all we have left is a lemon jelly donut and
a bear claw, and that's a bit too "Padmè" for the
Imperial Trilogy. And... I don't want
to get sugar in my hair. You'd think with
all these girls here there would be some
decent product around.


XANDER
Who the hell likes lemon jellies,
and I am completely ignoring your derailment
into Total Queenie Dork Land.


ANDREW
(defeated, quietly)
I am not a dork.


XANDER
(teasing)
Ass sphincter says what?


ANDREW
Oh, who's the dork now?
Oh! Oh! I know!!


XANDER
There's only the two of us, Andrew.
Everyone's outside training. This isn't
a hard question to get wrong.


ANDREW
No, not that. I've wanted to ask you
a question for a long time, and I kept forgetting
what it was. I just remembered it!


Xander takes a huge bite out of the jelly donut, gags and scrapes the jelly off his tongue.

XANDER
Glah... Forgot: lemon.
Where's that bear cla-- Oh.
Go on. Ask away.


Andrew hops onto the counter. Actually, Andrew tries to hop up, but doesn't make it and scrapes his back on the sharp edge. Whimpering, he tries again finally resorting to reaching out with his foot and pushing up off the edge of the trashcan to make it up on the counter top.

XANDER
You think you got it, sport?
Need a minute to catch your breath?


ANDREW
(frustrated)
I have an... an inner ear thing.
It makes it hard for... You made me forget
what I was going to ask you again!


Smirking, Xander shoves the last chunk of pastry into his mouth, wiping his hands on his chest pockets.

ANDREW
(cont'd)
Oh, okay, I remember. So.
Did you change into smart-mouthed
and sure-to-die Kowalski, or did you just
become PFC Harris, army you?


XANDER
(gaping for a moment in confusion)
Did you change into someone else,
because... not following.


Andrew smiling sadly, sighs and shakes his head

ANDREW
Oh, how you have failed me, Harris.
Once upon a time when our high school hadn't
been blown up by the Vampyre Slayer and the
wily, yet germ-phobic Mayor, you turned into
some kind of army guy, correct? Because of
that spell Mr. Giles' nemesis put on some costumes
at Halloween? And that was the last time I ever
had anything to do with Card Captors cosplay.
Worst costume ever to turn into.
Maybe if I had been at Comic-Con...


XANDER
Aside from your head, did you have a point?


ANDREW
The point was... you became a military guy, right?


XANDER
(trying to follow the logic)
Right...


ANDREW
And in every single movie with a branch of
the military in it there's a guy named--


XANDER
--Kowalski, right! Oh, unless it's a bomb squad,
then there's always an expert named--


ANDREW
--Johnson! Warren always laughed whenever
Jonathan or I said 'Johnson.' Huh.


Xander lets that last one slide.

XANDER
No, I did not become "Game over, man" Kowalski.
And I know his name was Holden, not Kowalski.
I was 'weapons expert and take charge guy' Harris.


Andrew plays with his hoodie zipper, trying to keep the conversation going.

ANDREW
Oh. Cool. Hey, Xander?


XANDER
Yeah, Andrew?


ANDREW
You know, the way she runs The Magic Box,
you'd think Anya was a Ferengi. Except for
that whole 'she's a female' thing.


XANDER
There were female Ferengi! Don't you remember
they kept them all naked? And that's--


Xander looks over his shoulder to make sure no one is within earshot.

XANDER
(cont'd, conspiratorially)
Okay, I've never told anyone this before, but, uh...
One of those guys looks just like Principal Snyder.


ANDREW
(excitedly)
Quark! Seriously!
But that's impossible, unless he was taken
into a wormhole, and mated with another Ferengi,
but they're all male, and that's a little... Huh.
Oh, right. Naked females. Forgot.


XANDER
You do understand that we are in this thing called
"reality" and not an actual movie, right? Because
most of the time I don't think you really get that.


ANDREW
No, it's just... Okay. I know that, because
in all honesty, you would have been the first to die.
It's the Stormtrooper Effect.


Xander grips the counter tightly and leans his weight back against it, obviously trying to not pummel Andrew.

XANDER
Andrew? I'm pretty sure that my pitching in
to help my friend doesn't make me security
detail. Buffy is security. And for the
whole earth, I might add, not just for some evil
overlord with asthma that's mad because his
mom was tortured by sand people.
And as a result, hates sand. And uses his
hatred for sand as a lame pick-up line.


ANDREW
No, not that, and I'll just say that maybe
I agree with you on the sand thing. And all
Anakin really wanted was for the the Jedi
council to see him as...


Andrew is clearly agitated, but trying to regain control.

ANDREW
(cont'd)
I'm trying to stay spoiler-free, okay? I don't even want
to speculate on what Lucas is going to say in Episode Three.
It's just that you're the weak link and-- OW!
OW! Okay! Okay!


Andrew slides off the counter, wincing as Xander holds his ear lobe tightly, twisting up just enough to shut him up.

ANDREW
(sulky)
GOD. You could have taken my ear off!
I'm telling Mr. Giles when he gets back that
you used brute force on me. I think only Dawn
is allowed at this point.
Maybe Anya.


This "weak link" issue has obviously struck a nerve with Xander.

XANDER
I am not the weak link! If there's anything weak
around here, it's you with your whining about juice
boxes and your not contributing to anything around
here and using all the lotion. I do not want
to know what that's all about.


Andrew, still in pain, or feigning, is backed into the corner, wary.

ANDREW
I have very dry, sensitive skin, and I contribute!
I contribute big time!


CAMERA: POV switch to the Big Board, on display for Buffy and Giles' benefit, evidently. POV back to two-shot after a beat.

XANDER
(sarcastically)
Right. The dry erase--


He stops himself, closes his eyes and gives a small nod.

XANDER
(cont'd)
The Big Board.


ANDREW
(appeased)
Thank you.


XANDER
The Big Board with all of the information
we know, which is nothing, and your
very disturbing drawings.


Andrew brightens, eager for praise.

XANDER
(cont'd)
Disturbing because they look like
something my cousin would draw.
Oh, and he's four, Andrew.


CAMERA: POV shift to window, showing the Potentials still exercising with Buffy. Some of their noise filters in, POV shift back to Andrew, visibly hurt and trying to cover.

ANDREW
I admit that I do not employ Chiaroscuro shading
or.. um, any discernible technique,
but I do add one element that is unique,
Mr. Xander Harris.


XANDER
And that is?


ANDREW
(nobly)
Heart.


XANDER
Oh, god. When is this babysitting
gig gonna end?


ANDREW
Hey! I do not need a babysitter!
How many times--


Andrew walks his fingers across the counter top and plays with the fruit bowl, acting super-casual

ANDREW
--How many times do I have to tell you
guys that I'm good now? Didn't my
tearful confession over the Seal of
Danthazar mean anything?


Xander pushes the bowl out of his reach.

XANDER
Stop that. We don't need your hand germs
all over the oranges. And yes.
It meant a lot. It meant that now
we don't have to worry about the big uglies
popping up for a little killing anytime they
feel like it. How did they get that door
opened in the first place? Oh, right.
You murdered your best friend.


ANDREW
Hey! I am not an agent of
The First anymore.


He grabs an orange out of the dish with defiance.

ANDREW
(cont'd)
No longer will The First be able to use me
as Its main weapon in this ultimate battle of
good versus evil. And we should really give
It a better name. 'First' is seriously lame.
Even the Smurfs battled a greater-named nemesis.


XANDER
How about something like "Killinator?" Or more succinct... like
"Big Scary Evil Creator that Makes All The Other Bad Things Pale in Comparison?"


ANDREW
(thinking)
Buhsectmatobtipscuh?
That's the worst acronym I've ever heard.


Xander bites his lip, makes a fist and moans, then turns sharply on his heel to leave the kitchen. Andrew, wincing at angering him, carefully sets the orange back in the bowl and hurries after him.

CAMERA: POV shift to LIVING ROOM, INT. SUMMER'S HOME

ANDREW
(following hot on Xander's heels)
Personally, I've been referring to It in my head as
It-Who-Must-Not-Be-Taunted. Or-Wire-Tapped.
Dumbledore could totally kick Its ass.


RONA and MOLLY, sweating profusely, enter from FRONT DOOR, walk past, and head towards the KITCHEN for water bottles. Molly hollers over her shoulder as she EXITS:

MOLLY
Dumbledore ain't real, Andrew. But
Gandalf could totally kick Its arse.


ANDREW
(pleased)
Touchè Molly, for indeed,
the Balrog resembles The First.


CAMERA: POV shift to BACK DOOR. Rona has her arms filled with bottles and was listening to this exchange. She shakes her head and pushes DOOR open with her shoulder.

RONA
(muttering)
Y'all are a bunch of lame white people.
And I am going to die.


CAMERA: POC shift back to Andrew and Xander in the LIVING ROOM

ANDREW
Did anyone think to give Buffy a staff?
I could do... research?


XANDER
Andrew, I don't think watching The Two Towers
qualifies as research.


ANDREW
(pouting)
No one will let me do anything.
I have all of this knowledge.
All of this power....


Xander raises his eyebrows, not saying anything.

ANDREW
Look! I can contribute! I can help, if you'd
just let me! When are we going to get to the
scene where Buffy, as Ripley, realizes that
I am Bishop of the sequel, not the evil Ash
of the original?


XANDER
Okay, now you're just cra-- .
You know, that's actually pretty good.
I take it that means you're going to sacrifice yourself
for the good of the rest of us then? Oh.
You aren't going to...


Xander makes a face and points at Andrew's limbs.

XANDER
(cont'd)
...Go all creamy, squishy and burbley,
are you? Because that was just gross.


Andrew gulps at "sacrifice" and sits down on the nearest chair.

ANDREW
We're gonna be blown to bits like Alderaan
even though we are a peaceful planet.
The First doesn't care.


XANDER
Peaceful? You sent magical winged monkeys
to attack the drama club!


ANDREW
It was the production of Romeo and Juliet, thank you.
And they totally deserved it. I mean, that's as
overdone as Our Town.


XANDER
(incredulous)
You three built robot girlfriends
for your own pleasures!


ANDREW
(huffy)
Okay, we need to be clear on something.
Those were not robots. Those were ANDROIDS,
thank you. And I didn't build them in the
first place, Warren did. I wanted to build...
Never mind.


XANDER
Oh, no you don't. What?
Android Replicants?


ANDREW
That's a bit redundant, Carpenter, although twenty points
and a free roll for the Blade Runner reference. No,
I wanted to build... a... Well, originally I wanted to build a
server farm that would take over the gaming world.


XANDER
You've never even seen a naked person, have you?


ANDREW
Spi-- .Spe-cifically? No. A little. They didn't take
all of their clothes off. Anya has great skin.
Almost as pretty as Spi--.
She's hot.


Xander stands and rolls up his shirt sleeves, clearly fed up.

XANDER
That's it.
Come on, little man. It's time for you
to have a little smack down. Okay,
a lot of smack down.


Andrew dashes behind the chair, ready to drop boneless at the first sign of attack.

ANDREW
(buying time)
Hold the phone! You were...
You were both on a break, and no one
can resist the alabaster glory that is Spi--


Xander fakes with his right and slaps Andrew upside his head with his left, eliciting a high keening sound before Andrew falls to the floor, wiggling under the chair for protection.

CHAO-AHN ENTERS from KITCHEN, stops in her tracks when she sees the boys fighting.

CHAO-AHN
(In Cantonese, subtitled, to Xander)
I thought we couldn't hit him? Mr. Giles made drawings --!
(points at Andrew)
He keeps giving me Pok-è-mon comic books
and making Bruce Lee noises at me.


Andrew and Xander stop what they are doing.

ANDREW
(to Xander)
See? She's saying that we should be using
our strength to fight Evil, and not each other.
They are a peaceful people, the Chinese.
(to Chao-Ahn)
THANK YOU FOR YOUR WISDOM, LITTLE FLOWER.
I SAW CROUCHING TIGER 27 TIMES.


Chao-Ahn shakes her head.

CHAO-AHN
(subtitled)
I am so sick of this place.
It smells like feet and cheese.
All the fighting and no good malls...


Chao-Ahn EXITS up the STAIRS, talking.

Andrew looks at Xander, nervous.

ANDREW
You want to play again?


No broken windows, no broken furniture... No jobs for Xander, in other words. He realizes this.

XANDER
Fine. But if I catch you trying to unplug my
controller again...


ANDREW
My hand slipped!


Xander turns the TV back on, starts up the video game.

ANDREW
(quietly)
I'm going to die, aren't I? It's just like in video games:
easy stuff first, like Vampyres, then the Bringers,
then the Uber-Vamps, until finally it's the big old
TRON head that mocks us all.


XANDER
(waits a beat, then kindly)
You know...
They beat the TRON head.


ANDREW
(fidgeting with the controller)
Yeah, well... a lot of disc warriors and tank commanders
died before they threw the killer frisbee at the spinny-head thing.


Xander plops on the sofa next to Andrew, claps his shoulder and gives a reassuring squeeze.

XANDER
I'll let you win?
(a beat)
I'm talking about the game.


ANDREW
(sheepish)
Yeah. I know.
(clicking)
I'm Nitara this time, okay? She's hot.


XANDER
She's a lot like Drusilla...
Nevermind.


~END~


...and for fun, here's a link to all seven seasons of Buffy, in script form.
Tags: andrew fic, fic, funny fic
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