From the journal that brought you the smooth stylings of Ike Turner, to the fierce and impassioned preacher of Reverend Billy Bob, LJ now brings you...
Ahnold de Spokesman!
Listen to me now, and hear me later and do something one day. Once I was a puny boy who was afraid of being shot at like a dog in Austria. Now it is I who does da shooting! I will Terminate da fools of the Democratic party. John Kerry thinks he is da Running Man. I say he tells lies. True Lies. Ya. When de President of the United States wins da election, I say the puny Democrats will have Total Recall of all the lies they tell the world about de Republican Party. We are not scary white people who have no undah-standing of living in America. De Jews and de Gays will be crushed like vermin. We will crush their bones and make our bread with the powdah...
*aid rushes in to whisper in his ear*
What? Fine. I tell you this, and you believe me later, America. I nevah won de Oscar. But I will win your acceptance and togethah we will crush de opponents!
*camera cuts quickly to Maria Shriver, clenching her teeth*
Dare is my beautiful wife, Skeletor, I mean Maria. With a healthy regimen of exercise and flaying her skin she has taken on the views of the Republican Party as you all must. I have a penis pump from all de steroids I took over the years. 4 more years!
Did anyone stomach that shit? And one of the "People of Color" they focused on to show how diversive a group they are was an EMPLOYEE!! You could see his earpiece. I may unleash Ike on the world if Bush (Asshat) wins!! I pity the fool!! Mr. T? You here too? Damn straight! Kids, listen to thuh T. Eat your veggies, drink your drugs, stay away from milk. Get ya ass out there and vote.
*walks off to the theme song of A team*
I need help. I need sleep.