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So, a friend of mine, let's call her Size 2, wants me and all of my children to invade her house at some point today to swim and frolic with her toddlers. Yeah, that doesn't sound fun to me, either. I'm envisioning my ADHD pre-teen whining after five minutes "I'm boooooooooored. CANNONBALL!" as he splashes her two year old. Then the two year old crying. And her shooting me the look. All while my #2 is telling her little sister "Quit it!" over and over until Em (the youngest) takes up the challenge to begin pinching and telling Size 2's four year old to "GO AWAY" because currently Emily hates boys.

WHAT A GREAT TIME. Oh, and did I mention she's a size two and wears string bikinis effortlessly? And she's one of those mommies who's whole life revolves around her kids, as in, she talks in baby talk to GROWN UPS? Also: I could be a little grumpy. School starts MONDAY, AND I WANT TO RUN THE CLOCK DOWN, OMG. Basically, the cheerins are just cabin feverish from it being a million degrees outside, and I am cruel because I won't let them watch TV during the day. Oh, blessed school. How I long for your return.

In other news, gardening. I have found a oplace that will sell me (and haul!) a cubic yard of compost for 26 bucks. DUDE. That's a lot of compost. Still no rain here in Texas, and we've got cracks in the lawn that would break a bull's ankle. A nice top dressing will help hold any remaining moisture in, and woe is me, is my garden so sad and pathetic. One of my tomato plants grabbed me around the ankle and coughed dust. Most of my perrenials are still there, as I plant natives and hello! Texas is dry and hot, Go Native. I called the water abuse hotline TWICE this week (we're under strict watering restrictions) as I had two neighbors WASHING THEIR DRIVEWAYS. Good lord. Animals are dying all over the state, and this yahoo can't get a BROOM?

Finally, I'm almost done with a fic that has taken over my life, which is a good feeling, and wanting to write more funny stuff, because I like laughing. And it's been WAY too serious around here for me. Green Giant and Hulk fic, with a side of Mr. Clean as their gay neighbor who frequents leather bars. But I need conflict - maybe some of the Marvel comic book heroes make fun of Hulk for being queer, so Batman and Robin show up, tie everyone up in sexy ropes and educate them all on the gayness of superheroes. Tonto? HELLO.

Is it cosplay when they wear costumes everyday? In conclusion, Oh Bruenhilde, you're so wuvly! Yes, I know it, I can't help it!

[ETA!!] TONIGHT!! It's that show!! With the people I mentioned!!! SHOWTIME, 9pm CST. OH GOD. Hahahahah!


( 64 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
If size 2 has a blender and hot and cold running tequilla, I'd say go for it.

But then she wouldn't be a size 2.

And I just got done ranting at Ginmar about women who give up themselves to become "Mommy". It's one of the saddest trends I've ever seen.
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:05 pm (UTC)
SHE DOES NOT DRINK TEQUILA. (Psst, she's a Yankee. They don't appreciate our NEED for it here.)

Okay, that whole idea of being All Mommy, All The Time is actually the subject of a story I've been writing for a while, in my attempt to be a Real Writer. I do NOT get it! They grow up and LEAVE, and then what are you? You're my mother in law, that's what.

If I fold the map so your town is next to mine, will that make it easier for YOU to come over and swim and drink tequila with me?
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:13 pm (UTC)
NO! I want you to be all surprised, plus I need to re-work the last bit because Lynne was right - I phoned it in. Should be done today, or that's my goal at any rate.

I'll be looking high and low to get my hands on that ep because are you KIDDING ME??? (Size 2 is kind of in this circle of people, but doesn't get the reason it's AMAZING. Which is a negative point in her column.)
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:11 pm (UTC)
Compost story (brought on by seeing Mrs. Smith for haircuts Wednesday, and seeing the garden my favorite cousin planted thriving after his death):

My favorite cousin, who worked for the forest service, Olympic Division- yeah, those Olympics, the ones with the temperate rain forests and the fog and the black, black winters- bought a recreation lot on the sunny bank of the Columbia River about twenty years ago, and proceded to plant it within an inch of its life with fruit trees and ornamental vines and shrubs, all on a trickle irrigation system under a growing mound of composted chicken litter, which runs about 1-1-0 (soils over their are K heavy from volcanic ash, so no worries). Plus a properly dry-side adapted lawn mix, which he let go dormant in summer.

Every drop of water in the Columbia Basin Project is like the good parking stalls in a high rise: bought, paid for, and wearing an identifying number. His neighbors, trying to grow lawn on unimproved point bar sediments, accused him of stealing water, and tried to find a secret pipe between his house and theirs.

This was, by the way, the same cousin who made the front page of the Olympian with a sheriff's deputy saying "There were only three plants, but they were the biggest marijuana plants I've ever seen."

Julia, dammit I miss the boy.

Aug. 11th, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHAHHA!! Oh, the mighty compost. I was late in signing up for zoo-doo this year. Every summer the Barnum and Bailey circus comes and offers the poop for composters like me to come haul off. It's a GOLD mine. (Well, black gold. Not to be confused with Texas Tea.)

Here's we're high in everything BUT Nitrogen, so urea is about all I need to add as far as nutrients, but the compost brings the pH down to levels where the plants can use what's actually IN the soil. Last check, my soil is 8.1? That's almost toxic. Plus, the whole "no moisture to be found anywhere" thing.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:11 pm (UTC)
I am about to read, but I had to say OMG BEST ICON EVER!
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:17 pm (UTC)
HEEEE!!! Isn't that HILARIOUS? I'm still cracking up over it! Iconziconz has a whole TON of funny ones.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:12 pm (UTC)
You need to go over there, lady. You need to go over there and you need to strangle Size 2 with her own itty bitty string bikini because no. Baby talk to adults? NO. Unless you're into that and in which case there are discreet clubs for that sort of funny business.
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:19 pm (UTC)
I mean, SERIOUSLY. Like I need that when I'm about to have my monthlies and feeling like I'm holding more water in than the Hoover Dam? I think not.

And BABY TALK. I cannot stand that! I don't even talk to babies with baby talk! I speak in German to them. Or a nice, sharp Bronx accent.
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:14 pm (UTC)
Size 2 with two toddlers wow. Does she have a personal trainer in-house? Or did she just pay someone else to have the babies for her?
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:20 pm (UTC)
She's one of those mothers that only gained a few pounds, and then IMMEDIATELY hit the gym afterwards. She's naturally thin, but STILL.

And her boys are CHERUBS. But if they want something, she stops in mid-sentence to address them. Which... I have this thing where I LOATHE interrupting children. 2 and 4, okay, I get it to some degree. But they have to LEARN. (I'm really a mean mom, I'll just get that out there.)
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:18 pm (UTC)

Would Stoney-Woney wike to come over an' pway in da pooool? I'd wuv you and squeeze you and call you my Anne, an' we could sit out on the deck and talky-walky about icky gwobal warming an' pooey world affairs, an' how all Israel an' Palwestine need ta do is learn how ta shaaaare.
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:24 pm (UTC)

Seriously, if she talked in baby talk and discussed world events, I could handle it. But it's all about kids, and products, and housewares and....

AGH. I'm not one of those women. AT ALL.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:29 pm (UTC)
DUDE. If you walked with me in the morning, you'd see how our community's lakes are so low, they're practically mud puddles. They had to ship the fish off to keep them from dying! And this asshole can't push a broom?

We're so close to hitting a Stage 4 drought, which means all the water is rationed to your house! Which affects drinking water, bathing, washing clothes/dishes... It's maddening how selfish people can be.

YOU kick ass.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC)
as in, she talks in baby talk to GROWN UPS?

Shit, I don't baby talk to the baby. If I'm baby-talking to you, I'm making fun of you. Just, you know, for future reference. ;)

My idea of a good play date is when we throw the kids in the back room and put Blackpool on for the grownups in the living room. "No, honey, you can't come in. Go play in Monkeyboy's room."
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:30 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, I said the same thing up there somewhere. Just... GOD. I am more than my womb and what it can make. And good to know. Heh.

And that's MY kind of playdate, too! WHY can't all the awesome girls on LJ live closer??
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:27 pm (UTC)
I'm totally TiVo-ing tonight. E-mail me your address and I'll put a DVD in the mail to you tomorrow.

Size 2? Yeah. No amount of personal training could ever get my ass down to a size 2. I wouldn't want to be in a swimsuit next to that.
Aug. 11th, 2006 03:31 pm (UTC)
ME NEITHER. Unless I was dead, and had decomposed for several months, maybe. I do NOT want to play in my bathing suit with Perfect Visual Mom who can't talk to grownups. That's not a good time, yo.

OOOooooOoh. Really? It's no trouble?? DONE!
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Aug. 11th, 2006 03:51 pm (UTC)
Perfect, perfect icon!

We're having an incredibly dry winter here ... our garden is very drought tolerant (no lawn, lots of things like rosemary), but this week we had to water it. In winter. Augh. Good for you for calling the Water Police!

(PS - the Boyfriend Type Man and I were poodling around on the internet and I made him look at all your icons, which he loves, and then I showed the Gud Summries pages and he nearly had a seizure. You have another fan.)
Aug. 11th, 2006 04:04 pm (UTC)
Yay for rosemary! Mine is thriving. It's the tomatoes, red peppers, bea balm... they're quite cooked.

(Ha - hooray! Nothing like purple prose to bring a people together... And I just hit a motherlode - there should be more next week!)
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Aug. 11th, 2006 05:25 pm (UTC)
Is it the Connor fic? The one with Connor?

OMG POST IT NOW WHY ARE YOU TEASING ME I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU LOVE YOU. Just like how Connor hate hate hate loves his daddy, omg.
Aug. 11th, 2006 05:27 pm (UTC)
IT IS IT IS - but Lynne made a good point about the last part, so I need to re-work it and then BAM. Posted.

And I read your latest very quickly, but I plan on reading it again and giving you juicy feedback when I don't have a MARCHING BAND, oh, wait that's just my CHILDREN in my house so I can THINK.

SO MUCH GOOD FIC LATELY!!!! (And I hate/love you like Angel and Riley. I'm thinking there was some tension of the sexual nature. Hahaha!)
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Aug. 11th, 2006 05:28 pm (UTC)
StoneyKids v. Toddlers: Civil War!

Hope you get out of it.

Also, comic book heroes coming to terms with their inherent gayness = always a good thing. *points at icon*
Aug. 11th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)

And srsly. All of those "wards?" Purlease. (You need to set aside time to watch "Heroes" this fall - it looks FANTASTIC. The pilot was awesome and very X-Menish.)
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Aug. 11th, 2006 05:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that doesn't sound fun to me, either. I'm envisioning my ADHD pre-teen whining after five minutes "I'm boooooooooored. CANNONBALL!" as he splashes her two year old. Then the two year old crying.

Spoken like a true mom! I have a 14 yr old girl and she can be just like that!
Aug. 11th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
GAH - just... You need to kids to be close to the same ages, or NIGHTMARE!

No. Thanks.
Aug. 11th, 2006 05:57 pm (UTC)
I'm a size 2. ::sniffs:: (Although, I was a size 10 for my entire adult life until after kid #3.) I do not, however, speak in baby talk to adults or children. I don't even let my kids talk like that.

I tend to avoid other parents. I hate the whole small talk thing, and with most of them the only thing we have in common is that we have kids. Gah. What a nightmare. On the plus side, I'm weird so most of the other mothers are afraid to talk to me.

Seriously though, I had someone tell me once that she loved that I didn't let my kids take over my life, and for a moment I felt kinda guilty like that meant I wasn't giving them enough attention. I know that's partially because of where I live (affluent, lots of SAHMs who volunteer out the wazoo for the school and spend their lives driving their kids to endless activities after school), but still -- guilt.

Aug. 11th, 2006 06:16 pm (UTC)
No, no!! You're a NORMAL WOMAN, so your size 2-ness is fine! Plus, you're wee! Wee-er than me, at any rate.) THIS Size 2 is one of those Barbies with a home gym. Keep in mind I live in Dallas, if that helps you paint a better picture of a manufactured woman... Got it? Yeah, we're good. (Plus, I have a storng feeling that I could be CHILLED OUT with you, and not do small talk/discuss what new advances in child care/housekeeping are available.)

And ditto on the other parents thing. There are a few parents I really like, but they tend to be older - more seasoned and relaxed at this point. It's the new mothers of toddlers armed with wipes and disinfectant that I get hives from close contact. :)

And I know the guilt, thing too. One of my best friends (she's actually my parent's friend, but we bonded as I aged) told me flat out that it was a) okay for me to not like other people's kids, b) important to stay in love with my husband, because we'd be stuck with each other longer than we had kids in the house and c) make myself happy with something so I didn't kill myself when the kids grew up and left. She's the most awesome mom I know, too.

I like to think of my parenting style as old school: I'm not their friend, I'm not their buddy and I'm not their life coach - I'm their MOTHER. I clean, teach, love hug, discipline, take away, give and feed. Occassionally there's random dance lessons to Motown, but we pull the drapes on those days. :)
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( 64 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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