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I find myself unmotivated to do the many things I should do, so instead, I will give you the Greatest Story Ever Told. Not Biblical, although it does involve man vs. nature.

When I was in college, I spent my summers working for the national parks, namely in the Teton National Park. I learned that people are idiots when taken out of their natural habitat. The place I was stationed was on top of a 8,000 foot mountain, next to a gorgeous lake, across from the Tetons, and behind us was an eagle preserve. Bald eagles. You know, our national bird that was suffering from possible extinction at the time.

You can look down on the preserve, but you can't go into it, for obvious reasons. You also aren't supposed to have pets off leashes as there are grizzly bears and black bears that move through the park. In addition to buffalo, coyotes, wolves, etc. Not smart to have a dog bounding through the woods, you dig?

We have an older couple come through in their "top of the line" bus. Not an RV, but a bus that looks like it belongs to a rock group. Can't camp without custom made cabinetry, right? She is a New Englander that wears workout clothes that have never been sweated in. A Linda Richmond type. She carries her precious Pomeranian around, Miss Crumpet. I know the dog's name because it has a rhinestone collar telling me this. And a tiara. I swear to god the dog had a tiara. They are the type that complains about EVERYTHING.

"It's so muggy out here. Why are there mosquitoes? You call this food? You call this a trail? When do you turn the lights on in the mountains? When do you let the animals out of their cages in the morning?"

{those are actual questions asked of me, and true complaints made}

They let her run around the facilities and terrorize the kids there (a serious ankle biter, this one) and had been given two warnings, and told the next time would result in a ticket. It's about a $600 ticket. If the bears feel threatened, they'll come looking. Sure enough, they are on the top of Signal Mountain looking down on the eagles and have Miss Crumpet baring her teeth and chasing the frightened kids around by the cliff's edge. My friend was on duty that day and he pulls up and starts writing them their ticket. She starts yelling at him and saying her sweet, little doggie wouldn't hurt a fly. Just at that moment,


An eagle swooped down and snatched Miss Crumpet and flew off. This woman starts going ballistic and reaches for my friend's gun. He slaps her hand away and she orders him to "shoot it! Shoot it! Oh, Miss Crumpet!!" He asks her if she seriously expects him to shoot the national bird in the national park. She begins to berate him and say she'll have his badge, yadda yadda yadda. He lets her know:
"Ma'am, I have no idea where that bird nests. Secondly, even if I could find the nest, you don't want your dog. Next time, don't put a beacon on your animal's head to let the predators know where they are."

He rips the ticket off the pad, hands it to her and says, "Have a nice day."

By the time we got back to the lodge, he had been on the radio to every park from Banff to the Grand Canyon telling them about Miss Crumpet. Ha ha!!

Nature rules! Maybe one day I'll tell you of the idiots at Old Faithful.

Look at THIS and imagine a snippy, teeth baring, rhinestone collar having dog on the end of those. YIKES!


( 48 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 4th, 2004 01:32 pm (UTC)
That is hilarious.
Sep. 4th, 2004 01:38 pm (UTC)
Nature kicks ass. I smart.
Oh, we drank the local ale and toasted that beautiful bird that night. And several nights after.
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - vvvexation - Sep. 4th, 2004 03:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - vvvexation - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - vvvexation - Sep. 4th, 2004 05:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
A bit of the "doh" factor - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 05:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: A bit of the "doh" factor - vvvexation - Sep. 4th, 2004 05:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - tamnonlinear - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Nature kicks ass. I smart. - tamnonlinear - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - tamnonlinear - Sep. 4th, 2004 05:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 06:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - tamnonlinear - Sep. 4th, 2004 06:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 07:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - tamnonlinear - Sep. 6th, 2004 07:18 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: How to Relax your Owl, Step Two - stoney321 - Sep. 6th, 2004 07:53 am (UTC) - Expand
... - grifyn - Sep. 4th, 2004 02:49 pm (UTC) - Expand
Hello! - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 03:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hello! - grifyn - Sep. 4th, 2004 03:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hello! - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hello! - grifyn - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hello! - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Hello! - grifyn - Sep. 4th, 2004 04:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 4th, 2004 02:38 pm (UTC)
So so tempted to metaquote you. I die now.
Sep. 4th, 2004 05:25 pm (UTC)
We have a bald eagle that nests by our house. I keep hoping that one day it'll swoop down and carry away my mom's miniature dachshund. He's probably too fat but it makes a great mental picture.
Sep. 4th, 2004 06:05 pm (UTC)
Do you really wanna make me do a weiner dog/eating joke?
Oh, I don't know. I've seen them attack an Osprey before, and that's a big bird.

I am more impressed by the image of the stupid, pampered be-frilled "companion" dog being consumed by the wild, majestic and fierce eagle. Whoo hoo! Go Nature!
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 4th, 2004 06:07 pm (UTC)
Tune in tomorrow for
The tale of the idiots at Old Faithful. (BTW, the lodge there reminds me of the Overlook!!! Come play with us, Daneeeee....)

I wanna fly like an eagle, to go eat
Fly to Miss Crumpet, ate her 'cause she so sparkly...
Doo doo doo doodoo!
(Deleted comment)
Re: Tune in tomorrow for - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 06:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 4th, 2004 06:15 pm (UTC)
I have two friends, they are twins. They arn't exactly the....."Soft" type.

You see, they grew up in a very very harsh neighborhood wehere you basicly kick someones ass every month or lose your reputation as a "man" and though they are both INSANELY intelligent, they see the worth in being "hard asses" as it means no one will mess with them. I don't belive they have ever seen "You got mail", to be blunt about it.

So, this random act of kindess, is so, SO unlike them, that the end result can be nothing but commical.

They were going to school one day, Universty of Toledo, heading for class, not too much time to spare. They know being late on one of the first days of school is something you just don't want to do, so they make that extra effort to rush to class. HOWEVER, upon entering the glass double doors of the fine arts complex, they come upon an unexpected site... a baby bunny.

Now, it seems like all these artsy, college goers (the very people that can ofter be generalized animal lovers and protectors of nature) were passing by this VERY OBVIOUS creature, who was helpless and shaking. The two, doing the last thing anyone would ever expect them to do, managed to corner the bunny, to set it free. They were gental and cautios, as not to startle the bunny. This is such a rare site for these two, doing something for the good of nature, and innosence. As they let it go out the two double glass doors into the sidwalk followed by a grassy feild, they felt the joy in their small, mall hearts as they watched the bunny trot away, back into its natural enviroment.

Of course, the Eagle perched up on the light post saw MUCH more than a Kodac moment, and decided that the bunny would make a MUCH better lunch. The twins watched in horror as the Bunny was swooped away by the bird of prey, and taken above and beyond the fine arts building.

They took it as a lesson. They know now that they were never turly ment to do good in this world, and even nature belives that to be so.

:-p not as classic as Miss Crumpet, but its good :-p Stumbled upon your journal by clicking a friends friends list, and thought I'd comment in here since I REALLY LIKE your Michael Whelan Icons. Snow Queen was always my favorite work by him :-)
Sep. 4th, 2004 06:28 pm (UTC)
Hola, Amigo! (Amiga?)
Yes. Nature - she is cruel. But majestic to behold!

And thanks for the icon love. If you credit, you may have! (Snow Queen is also a terrific book, if you haven't read it.)
... - diannelamerc - Sep. 5th, 2004 12:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 4th, 2004 06:23 pm (UTC)
That's funny as hell. I do feel a little sorry for Miss Crumpet, though; it wasn't HER fault that she was adopted by a pair of self-centered assholes.

Did they still have to pay the ticket? Enquiring minds want to know!
Sep. 4th, 2004 06:30 pm (UTC)
And the winner is.... you!
Thanks for asking what I imagined would be the obvious question.

YES. All 600 bones. There were five people killed that year due to bear attacks. They is not jokin' when they say to keep your pet on a leash and pick up after it.

(Confidentially, Miss Crumpet was a bit of a shit. If she hadn't been so mean... But I know exactly what you mean.)

*points to icon* Black kitty!
Re: And the winner is.... you! - starcat_jewel - Sep. 4th, 2004 08:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: And the winner is.... you! - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 10:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Sep. 4th, 2004 08:23 pm (UTC)
Cheering for birdies!
Then that would make me eeeevil. It took a year or so before I could tell that story without laughing myself sick. One day we will meet. And on that day, I will do my eagle shriek for you, and you will know my name is the Lord!

Whoops! Got a little Pulp Fiction on my post...
(Deleted comment)
Re: Cheering for birdies! - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2004 10:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 4th, 2004 08:50 pm (UTC)
Hi! I wandered in through Metaquotes & while I am kinda sad about the puppy, I have to say that it doesn't sound like it could have happened to a more deserving couple. If I had been there I would have been soooo taking pictures of the bird carrying Mrs. Crumpet away!

BTW, I am going to friend you, because you made me laugh, and you like Buffy, and you like Michael Whelan (His Pern covers rock my world!) and I want tomorrows Old Faithful stories to show up on my friends page. So, Hi! :)
Sep. 4th, 2004 10:06 pm (UTC)
Did you say porn?? Oh! Pern.
Michael Whelan makes me happy.

Tomorrow I shall deliver more stupid people! And don't think of Miss Crumpet as a sweet, huggy puppy. She was a snarling, snapping, growling, drooling meanie that CHASED CHILDREN TOWARDS A CLIFF EDGE.

Did that help your insides?
Re: Did you say porn?? Oh! Pern. - hellziggy - Sep. 4th, 2004 10:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
Dec. 15th, 2004 11:16 am (UTC)
Oh, I laughed at this like I laughed with the little Yorkies died in "A Fish Called Wanda"

Feb. 27th, 2006 12:08 pm (UTC)
Bwahahahahahahaha! That was the best story ever!

Although I did find you put too much of yourself in the story. Heeeeeeeeee. ::molests you all over the place::

See, it's people like THIS, and even more so the woman who let her kid put her hand in the geyser hole, who make me feel like a freaking GENIUS. :0P
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 13th, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)
Re: funny story
Hi, Ron!

"Tourons" Hahahaha! That's my new favorite word. And I usually tell people to stay in the Tetons, and take day trips into Yellowstone. It's GORGEOUS there, and no one sticks around long enough to harsh your mellow while you vacation.
Dec. 31st, 2008 05:01 pm (UTC)
This is a wondrous and fantastic story. I think you should be a literary nonfiction writer.
Dec. 31st, 2008 05:03 pm (UTC)
From your lips to god's ears.

Man, did I acquire some fabulous stories up there....
( 48 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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