I would like to state for the record that Jack Davenport's character Robert Bradly may be the best Peter Stu ever written. Handsome? Check. A man on his own terms? Check. Sensitive to the monthly needs of women? Ahahaha. Check. Here we go. Yeah, I'm aping this from sarahtales, but come on. And for the record, this is tub of ice cream and/or chocolate movie watching at ITS FINEST.
THE MOTH: aka WHO NEEDS A CUDDLE?
David Boreanaz: Welcome to David's Ye Olde Irishe Accente Workshoppe
JackDav: Thanks. Homework?
DB: Eats lots of Lucky Charms™. That's how I mastered it.
JackDav: Done and done.
Intro: The Irish work hard! The Man covers them artfully in soot!
Irish Shipbuilders: Woe. Also: filth
JackDav: I am handsome, also, I like books! *is set apart from the rabble thus and so*
Uncle: Yer da's dead. Work for me where I can unleash all of my frustration about your father on you unfounded! Also, carpentry and I'm Christian - this is completely random.
JackDav: I am in no way suspicious, but my emerald eyes are flashing.
Uncle: Can you turn a lathe?
JackDav: It's 1913 - this is a metaphor for masturbation. Oh, yeah. I can work a lathe all. Night. Long.
Cousin: I'll say!
JackDav: Eww. Also, obvious distaste for you.
Cousin: Oblivious adoration, nonetheless! *cow eyes*
Auntie: Hmmm. *machinates*
New Hovel Ceiling Beam: *plots to brain all who enter*
Uncle: Build me chairs!
Uncle: Hmmm. Build me tables!
Cousin: Oh, yer a right handsome feller.
Cousin: *very very slow on the uptake*
Hot Village Chick: Fancy a kiss?
JackDav: Do I? *glomp*
Target Audience: SWOON. Hands! Hands in new places!
HVC: Say, I already have a boyfriend. Let's call him... Howard. *shows collar bone*
JackDav: SCORE. *makes out more, free and CLEAR!*
HVC: I've conveniently forgotten about Howard. What say you make an honest woman of me?
JackDav: What say I keep that cow and DON'T pay for the milk?
JackDav: Haha, these eyes flash becomingly for you no more!
HVC: I hate you! *reaches out when he doesn't look*
JackDav: What was that?
Pub: We are a common, yet loveable lot!
Drunken Irishman: I am a stereotype!
JackDav: Befriends you ALL, for I am Peter Stu!
Barkeep: Yar. 'Tis true, 'tis true.
JackDav: Drunken stumble back to my hovel and work tomorrow, did I mention I'm Irish?
Crazy!Millie: Am I an apparition? Or just a gorgeous yet eccentric woman walking your way?
JackDav: I'm not too drunk to recognize a pretty lass!
Crazy!Millie: No, for they can't decide if I am mentally challenged, or just wildly eccentric.
JackDav: Protect like a brother, then!
Crazy!Millie: I come out every single full moon. Like a woman's monthlies.
JackDav: How oddly eccentric. I could do without that last bit. Let's cuddle.
Crazy!Millie: I am childlike and beguiling. Oh, say! My man doth cometh from hither and yon.
Sarah, Handsome and Tall: I care for my sister. And the estate. And the family's social standing. And...
Mother: Establish that I'm in mourning and not caring of anything any more.
Father: I am a right bastard!
Crazy!Millie: Is there any wonder? *spins*
Smarmy Boyfriend of Sarah: I hate your sister. Also, I'm a poor man's Gilderoy Lockhart!
Sarah: I can change him. He'll love my crazy sister.
Crazy!Millie: Watch me make that impossible!
JackDav: Once again I avoid my Hovel's Ceiling Beam, hahaha!
Beam: I'll get you, my pretty.
Cousin: I say, I shouldn't be here, but I'm hoping you are naked and SCORE.
Target Audience: Money shot. Carry on.
JackDav: Okay, now I'm going to be rude. You aren't my type.
Cousin: I'll show you! You'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!
JackDav: Walking home, I hear decidedly un-shrub-like noises.
Shrubbery: Giggle and titter!
JackDav: Investigates, smirks!
Shrubbery: Very much a non-Catholic happening in here!
JackDav: Home to my lathe, then, for I am the hero and only intimate my needs.
Uncle: Yer like a son I ne'er had.
Auntie's Eye: GLEAM!
JackDav: I am not controlled by the man! See this cake? *haves and EATS*
Uncle: Wot wot? Cousin?
JackDav: I didn't do it. Like, she's decidedly not a stiffener.
Uncle: CHISEL TO THE HEAD!
JackDav: Effing OW!
Uncle: Unrelenting anger and righteous fury!
JackDav: *ties scarf to forehead* Wax off!
Uncle: Ye'll ne'er step foot in here again!
JackDav: *steps foot in to show he is not bound by man NOR God's law, then leaves! WITHOUT CUDDLES!*
Argus Filch: Ye're handsome. No work for you!
JackDav: We'll see about that.
Sarah H&T: Oh, we'll find a way to squeeze you in.
JackDav: Filch: Face? Hand. Talk into it.
Filch: Slop the pigs. Work the fields. FIX THE WINDOWS, muah ha ha!
JackDav: Sweats and works HARD. Also, pwns all jobs.
Target Audience: Mmmmm. Work that scythe, bitch.
Crazy!Millie: Yay, my secret boyfriend!
JackDav: Wait - are you challenged? Or my sex interest?
Crazy!Millie: Damn. Okay. *childlike spinning*
JackDav: Say, your sister is handsome. I'll hug you in a brotherly fashion.
Crazy!Millie: Best. Day. Of work. EVER.
Mother: Consumption.... *cough*
Father: Hey, let's spend it like we've got it!
Mother: GOD. Oh, nice whore, HUSBAND.
Mother: That was all I needed to push me over the edge.... *consumptivates*
Mother: Sarah! *weak* ...letters. Millie - crazy from being born out of WEDLOCK!
Audience: Er, how about because you're all horrid to her?
Mother: OUT. OF. WEDLOCK. *dies*
Sarah: Reads saved letters. *sobs* No institution for sister!
Bastard Brother of the 2-D type: I exist, and am a Father-in-training. Off to the Whores of Oxford! *leaves*
Father: Whoo hoo! I'll marry again! Also, Crazy!Millie? 'Tutionalize.
Father: Backhands, yo! Haven't you been paying attention?
JackDav: Skulks in hallways and notices. Growing attraction to women in need? Check. Cuddles with EYES, because hands not allowed.
Rumor Mill: JackDav is a cad.
Townspeople: Mmm hmmm. I knew there was something.
Rumor Mill: Preggers and LEFT her.
Townspeople: We will shun him at... THE PUB.
Pint of Bitters: I... I miss you.
Poor Man's Lockhart: Slinks away.
Sarah H&T: I'll just pop over and surprise my fiance.
Garden Party: Oh. Um.. invite lost? Er...
Sarah H&T: Hello pretty girl in tennis whites and many people looking away. I am oblivious.
PML: Er... About that engagement. Mother says no.
Sarah: To the hillside! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
JackDav: *happens by* I am decidedly NON-machine like.
Sarah: Rawr. I'll say.
JackDav: How about some newly established sexual tension while I lift you from the carriage?
Sarah: Mmm, yes please.
Argus Filch: Points to Ladies of the House! UPSTAIRS!
Cook: Points to self! Downstairs!
JackDav: In my lady's chamber! Haha, not. BUT I WANT.
Father: Say, I should kill the Feeb.
Crazy!Millie: I'll run and jump off the bridge like you ask, Papa!
Argus Filch: SHOVE! Protect! SAVES THE EFFIN' DAY, yo!
Father: Falls to my death and I did NOT see that coming! Ahhhhhh! *bellyflop*
JackDav: Pining for a pub... SPOTS!
Filch: I killed my Master! Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Anakin: Dude, that's MINE.
JackDav: I will help you say it was an accident.
Filch: Argh, now I'm beholden. BEHOLDEN.
Sarah: I see you are a good man. You lie to HELP. I want to touch the pretty man. *restrains*
JackDav: How about I flash my eyes at you, to show you that I am a Common Man and also painfully good looking?
Audience: I'll say!
Homely Housekeeper: Exists, mocks self!
Bastard Brother: Eww, coyote ugly!
Friend with no lines: Hahaha.
Bastard Brother: I want to fire her and hire someone I can bone.
Homely Housekeeper: RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! (when appropriately out of sight of Betters)
JackDav: Happens by YET AGAIN. Also, care for a cuddle?
Homely Housekeeper: Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
Sarah: BUSTED! How could you?
JackDav: Still with the fondling of homely housekeeper.
Sarah: Eww. No, seriously. How could you? *clutches pearls, wants to touch the pretty for herself*
JackDav: Sometimes ugly girls need cuddles too. I'm saving the best of my cuddles for YOU. Also: your bro's a prick.
Sarah: Tell me about it. Also, if only you COULD touch me. Stupid class system.
Estate Dynamic: Changed!
JackDav: I may work with my hands, but I am a man of intellect!
Sarah: Oooh, conversation! Also, you are handsome.
Crazy!Millie: *walks backwards with hand twitching*
JackDav: Er... right. I chose the right sister. *cuddles crazy!Millie because HE CAN*
Cousin: BELLEH - Argh, labor!
Camera: Zooms in on blood, good lord!
Cousin: LABOR! AHH!
Auntie: Why didn't he marry you, you stupid cow? Marriage cures painful labor!
Uncle: Strangely lit to show my woe and shame.
Auntie: Call the doctor! Baby's dead. I BET YOU PRAYED FOR IT.
Uncle: Now officially pushed over the edge and CHAGRINED.
Cousin: Heaps coals on your head, aka: DIES, TOO.
Uncle: Good time for a walk in the snow. On NEW YEAR'S EVE (clever, wot?)
Estate: We are a happy family with a dead bastard father and Upstairs/Downstairs is just hinted at now.
Sarah: I want to touch the pretty man. *restrains - she is made of STEEL*
JackDav: How about I stand rakishly and re-establish that we have feelings for each other?
Sarah: Works for me! If only there weren't rumor mills... *looks at camera to remind audience*
Audience: Dude. He's hot. We dun kair. *longs for passionate cuddles*
Filch: I am now angry with
JackDav: *continues to erase line in sand* Murdered their father says what?
JackDav: Smirks, also, flashes handsome grin.
Crazy!Millie: I have a puppy! I am feeble minded, and yet have been given charge of a puppy. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT IDEA AND IS IN NO WAY FORESHADOWING.
JackDav: I'll do an arcane ritual for New Year's Eve in order to bump into..
Uncle: ME. Woe.
JackDav: SAVES THE DAY. *holds comfortingly - he's a man, so it's not a cuddle*
Uncle: Can you forgive me?
JackDav: Of course I can. My famous Irish Temper™ is nowhere to be seen.
Uncle: Take me home
Rumor Mills: Grind to a SCREECHING HALT.
Pub: How about a pint of bitters?
Pint o'Bitters: *Cries* I've missed your full lips.
JackDav: If I could fill up a person-shaped balloon with beer, I would hold it.
Bastard Brother: I have no regard for anything!
Sarah: I'll say.
Bastard Brother: Hmm? Say, how about I let our house fall into ruin?
Bastard Brother: Let's stop paying the staff. Oh, and Crazy!Millie? Let's send her away.
Filch: I am increasingly unstable. UPSTAIRS!! DOWNSTAIRS!! Eye twitch.
Sarah: I am beginning to realize this whole "lady" b.s. isn't worth it. DAMN, that man can work a lathe.
JackDav: *works it* I beg pardon? *smirks*
Uncle: And.... *dies*
Lawyer: All to JackDav. Man of PROPERTY now, isn't that convenient?
JackDav: Auntie, I'll never make you leave your home.
Auntie: Give me babies.
Auntie: Not MY babies. Wot about that pretty Sarah, eh? YOU CAN HAVE ANY WOMAN YOU WANT. *looks into camera*
Audience: Starting right here, baby, rawr.
JackDav: I will work this ass like there ain't no class. System. You know what I mean.
Filch: YOU WILL NOT BE MASTER OF THIS HOUSE.
Accountants watching: He didn't inherit THAT much. It's an ESTATE, yo. He only inherited a carpentry business and small farm.
Sarah: Hmmm. Your newfound property intrigues me, for it will not be such a scandal if I allow you to cuddle me.
Filch: Oh YEAH? *writes "anonymous letter" to a Lady of Plot Device and possibly Devonshire*
Lady: Eww, don't diddle the help, dear.
Sarah: But! CUDDLES! *points to JackDav*
Lady: Oh. Well. Carry on, dear!
Sarah: Rubs hands.
Crazy!Millie: Don't forget about me! *walks down stairs backwards because she is CRAZY, remember? Did you forget?*
Filch: I AM INCREASINGLY UNSTABLE.
JackDav: Say, your hand looks cold.
Sarah: My hand?
JackDav: Close your eyes. Give me your hand. (darling) Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand? Do you feel the same?
Sarah: Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame?
JackDav: We're still in Victorian-era Ireland. You need to take the next step, my Lady.
Filch: Lovers interruptus!
JackDav: LEAVES. In a HUFF, sans further cuddling.
Sarah: DAMN. IT. If only some massive catastrophe would happen to allow me to make a move.
Crazy!Millie: You rang?
Bastard Brother: Ditto? Also, say, you don't really need a house to live in, do you? I'm selling this one. And joining the army. Ta!
Sarah: Crazy!Millie! Take your dog and go to your room. *turns to camera* Do not leave your room under any circumstances.
Crazy!Millie: Complete disregard, check.
Housestaff: Where's Millie?
Filch: I know - you go look outside, and I'll contort my face into its patented rage setting and burn the house to the ground!
Housestaff: Sounds good. Wait, wot?
Crazy!Millie: I will follow my dog and disobey my sister. What's this? An impenetrable room never seen before in our attic? LET'S GO!
Filch: BURN THE HOUSE TO THE GROUND. *kerosenes*
Crazy!Milly: *cough* La la la.
Sarah: JackDav! I have come to your comfortable house, eyeing the nice craftsmanship, and also you.
JackDav: You can live with me. If you can stand it. *flashes green eyes*
Sarah: How about I do? *flashes some wrist* Also, marry me?
JackDav: I turned down every other offer with violence. You? I will soften and long for marriage cuddles.
Sarah: .... yes, then?
JackDav: You've made me the happiest
Sarah: Drive me home to collect Crazyville.
JackDav: But soft! What light through yonder tree breaks?
Sarah: It is the house, and Juliet is on fire!
JackDav: Who's Juliet?
Sarah: It's a rhyme - just DRIVE!
Filch: I am officially crazy! The class system of Her Royal Highness -
Olympia Dukakis: *slaps* Snap out of it!
Crazy!Millie: I am burning! And afeared!
Dog: JESUS CHRIST GET ME OUT OF HERE! Oh, I mean *yip!*
Filch: I will run in and burn to death, for this is a moral tale! *does*
JackDav: I will run in and SAVE THE DAY. Also, KEEERIST I'm on fire!
Crazy!Millie: I really should be institutionalized. Shh! Don't tell!
JackDav: GOOD EFFING GOD MY ARM IS ON FIRE!
Crazy!Millie: Don't forget my dog!
Dog: I asked for NONE of this. None!
JackDav: Carries all to safety, INCLUDING the dog.
Dog: Okay, seriously. Peter Stu or no, you? THE MAN.
Camera: EXTREME CLOSE UP on burned and charred flesh.
JackDav: That's gonna sting.
Sarah: My Hero! Psst: I swear, after the credits roll? Let's stick her in an institution. You are a man who works with your HANDS, woe! I want to have carnal knowledge of what that means.
Oven Mitts: I'm supposed to be serious, but you're gonna laugh.
Audience: Is that really bad gauze work on his hands, or oven mitts?
Oven Mitts: Sigh.
JackDav: You don't have to marry me. I'm horribly scarred. ON MY HANDS. Also, there's these oven mitts.
Sarah: Well, it's seriously going to affect your cuddle-ability, huh? *looks to doctor*
Doctor: Shrugs. He'll get better.
Sarah: I WILL MARRY YOU.
JackDav: I will now awkwardly - WITH THE OVEN MITTS - put a ring on your finger.
Oven Mitts: My big moment! Don't drop it... Don't drop it!
Hovel Ceiling Beam: Haha! It is I! Back for more, are you?
JackDav: I'm kicking it old school. What say we get to those marriage cuddles?
Sarah: AND HOW. Also, I thank God every day for you, and you can't manage my buttons with those oven mitts, can you?
JackDav: Sadly, no. Say, I've mentioned I've read a lot, right? What say you ride me? Also, enough with the god talk. I'm trying to rub one out.
Sarah: Haha. Wait, NO. Those are MY cuddles.
CREDITS: If this was only on HBO...