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Time for what? For more bad!fic. Right? Sure it is.

Standard Disclaimer: this is NOT to insult certain authors. There is no name calling here. This is about the joy of finding over-the-top prose, woeful grammatical errors, terrible euphemisms. Wanna read more? Just click the tag for the other posts.

Let's just get the most eyebrow raising one out of the way first.: "...after taking three of the dog's fingers..." I- Well. We can at least point out that dogs don't HAVE fingers.

You might consider getting a wax... "...his now flowing tears stained the man's baboon pelt." And I think a little club soda'll get those stains out.

"Running his hand through the other's front bangs" When they're "back bangs," we all call that a mullet, right? Kentucky mud flap? Alabama waterfall? Or do we classify that under "baboon pelt?" I'll give you a second on that one.

"[he] removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom" Brings a WHOLE NEW MEANING to the phrase, "It smells of foot and ass in here. Oh, sorry, Bob."

Making sure you know who's who: "[he] groaned as he felt a hand close around his dick and became very hard which didn't go unnoticed by the owner of the hand." The kicker is it was Buster's prosthetic hand. And this is an anime fic. KIDDING! Hah. That may only be funny to me. SO BE IT.

"his clawed hands making their way down to remove his pants" Surprisingly, Wolverine is not the protagonist of this tale. Nor Freddy Kruger.

"mouth frozen in the most sensual 'O' position" As opposed to the "horror O," the mildly erotic O," the "waiting for mama bird with worms O," and the "O sole mio" O. Someone's watched Office Space.

How many licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop? "He was only able to get past seven licks." One, a-two-hoo! Thrrrrree. Er... Four. Five? Ssssssssix. Seeeeeevennnnn.

How perfectly in character! "Dance with me," Harry says, leaning towards Ron's body. Express your love in dance.

Part Deaux: Spike to Xander: "We're like woman. Oh god. We've turned into Willow and Tara." O_O

Words I really don't need in a PWP:

  • warm and gooey
  • pre-seed
  • palm-full of fluids
  • deflating cock
  • bottom's hole (dude, you're writing NC-17. Go ahead and call it a rosy entrance tunnel to love findingness.)

Fun without a beta! Or a read through. Or basic English lessons.

  • half breads cheek
  • had herd his ordor
  • began to laps back into
  • "shit its not working ron."harry cruse

I like the idea of an amalgam of Tom Cruise and Harry Potter. Combining the deadly world of Magic and Scientology to save people everywhere. L Ron Hubbard and Voldemort are merged into a super beast! Instead of Avada Kedavra, Voldebard (Hubdemort?) can rain down pamplets of how to get off heroin and/or the Dark Arts in only three days! And poor Hermione and Katie Holmes have raunchy femme-slashy half breads sex. Which can lead to all sort of horrible and wrong yeast infection commentary.


[ETA] I meant to mention that some of these are from anime fics, which I've found is an excellent source for bad writing. It's like they enjoy writing them to sound like the bad English dub-overs. And that totally works for me. Oh, and there are NO PUNCTUATION MARKS. Holy run-on sentence, Batman! Confession: I like reading them and saying "ohhHHHH!" like from the Chinpokomon episode of South Park. Heh.

OH! Yesterday was the fantastic and funny and cool and hip marlo's birthday, and I was a jerk and forgot. I hope you had a great day, sweetheart!! A thousand apologies!


( 71 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 30th, 2006 04:17 pm (UTC)
man's baboon pelt

O_o. W.T.F?!? I . . . no words.

Thanks, Stoney. I desperately needed a laugh this morning.
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
And seriously: it was mentioned about four or five times how hairy the man's pelt was.

OKAY. GOT IT. The man's a grizzly bear. Sorry! BABOON. *panties SO wet*
... - southernbangel - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:21 pm (UTC)
Where is MY baboon pelt, I ask you? Is there no justice in this world? Older women have rights!
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:22 pm (UTC)
(i'm not grumpy, just using the gorilla.)
*cracks up at your icon*

SERIOUSLY. Sleeping with a hairy man is ECONOMICALLY SMART. Lower your heater in the winter for added savings!
Re: (i'm not grumpy, just using the gorilla.) - a2zmom - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
baboon pelt???

omfg, I thought cock fur was bad. I just...I got no words, dude.

Aug. 30th, 2006 04:43 pm (UTC)
ON BOARD. I just don't understand the furry needs. And I like hairy chests! I just don't need ANIMALS in my sex talk, thanks.
... - wolfshark - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - spikendru - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - a2zmom - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom
Gives new meaning to "from beneath you it devours...: [snerk]

Thank you for my morning fall out of my chair laughing episode! Now I must find a cloth to wipe the coffee off the screen.
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
Ahahaha! That's a great one!

And glad I could make you laugh!
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I needed that right now...
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:44 pm (UTC)
I think we ALL needed a laugh, huh?

Aug. 30th, 2006 04:33 pm (UTC)
Of course the perfect Harry Cruise story is how Katie Weasley gives birth to his child in a perfect silence, so as not to disturb the baby... :)
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:45 pm (UTC)
EXCELLENT. And Ginny Kidman cries bitter tears from her frozen face.

Can Ron be Ice Man, aka Val Kilmer?
... - jgracio - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
Wait..did she MEAN baboon, or was that some horrible spell check auto correct error????

The world may never know!
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:54 pm (UTC)
I think she meant Baboon. She used that same descriptor THREE MORE TIMES.

Dude, baboons are hot. With their swollen asses? And Mandrils are the drag queens of the simian world. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.
... - kita0610 - Aug. 30th, 2006 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:53 pm (UTC)
deflating cock

They do that? My god I've led a sheltered life!
Aug. 30th, 2006 04:55 pm (UTC)
Sex would be more entertaining if they made that "pffffffft!" sound like a balloon does when you let it go!
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:07 pm (UTC)
dog fingers? What is this? Bestiality fic?

My mouth is in an orgasmic O over that one.

The internets are scary.
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:09 pm (UTC)

Hee! Okay, that fic apparently has a shape-shifting dog. Some times a man, sometimes a... dog. That still has fingers?

... - a2zmom - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:21 pm (UTC)
As God is my witness, I will use pre-seed in a sentence today or DIE TRYING.
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:24 pm (UTC)

You could let that preceed a conversation on garden preparation?
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:25 pm (UTC)
I have to say that this was the first time I've come across a deflating cock. And yeah. BALLOONS.

*tries to make a giraffe, only ends up with a pile of snakes*
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:32 pm (UTC)
removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom

I have a mental image of someone snapping off their foot and replaceing it with an extra rear end. And that still makes more sense thne whatever the author was trying to conjure up, I fear.
Aug. 30th, 2006 06:04 pm (UTC)
If it helps, I think the one foot remover had his appendage on the other's chest. And he removed his foot and replaced it with his bottom.

Words are fun!
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)
OMG- I should not read these at work because how do I explain the fact that I am doubled over in front of my computer screen.

Oh, right, cramps.

Jesus wept. (and then ran his fingers through Paul's baboon pelt)
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:37 pm (UTC)
*hands you a can out Spot Shot, in case of stains*

And I need to post the faux-commercial I wrote for SNL about back-hair extensions. I could re-work it to include "back bangs."
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 05:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks, baby! I love you. You're totally not a jerk.
Aug. 30th, 2006 05:45 pm (UTC)
*gropes your tight bikin' bod*

Aug. 30th, 2006 05:47 pm (UTC)
Bottom's hole?? Is this perhaps Shakespeare?
(Deleted comment)
... - stoney321 - Aug. 30th, 2006 06:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 71 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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