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Pirate Fic! Absolute Crack!

So, lettered and I have been cackling with crack-filled glee all day long, and this is the result of her prompt in entrenous88's journal (who gave me permission to run like the wind with this. Because she's SMART. I am so broken inside.)

"Spike the Pirate who captures the ship with Connor in it, Connor is being shipped off because his father is forcing him to get married, and Connor's dowry went to the highest bidder, and now Spike the Pirate's waylaid it, but found that the greatest treasure of all is Connor himself."

So, um... this is what she gets. With apologies to The Princess Bride, Barry White, Joss Whedon, and your brains. Also, blatant abuse of "Winken Blinken and Nod" ahead. Your childhood memories are at stake.

Author: *sigh* Stoney
Title: Connor and The Pyrate Spoike
Rated: Arrrrr. (No, really. R.)
Pairings: Connor/Spike (with Liam overtones. THIS IS CRACK, people!)
Summary: Pirates. Dowries. (Dowrys?) Pirate cabin smex. Connor OOC. Spike OOC. Shit, they're ALL OOC. Yarrrr!


Connor and The Pyrate Spoike



Once upon a time in a land far, far away, unless you lived in Ireland, in which case in a land very close to where you are now, lived a woebegone boy named Connor. Connor lived with his mighty and cruel father, Liam, because we've set this tale in Ireland. Angel sounded a bit too Papist. If you know what I mean. And if you do, fill me in. Thanks. Liam was cruel and - oh, we've mentioned that. Liam wants to marry Connor off to the highest bidder - yes he's a boy, but he's a very very PRETTY boy. Suitors had come from far and wide (which is to say, East to West) until Liam settled on a man of property and esteem from Slovakia by the name of Wesley. Not to be confused with the Dread Pirate Wesley, because face it, that wasn't going to strike fear into the heart of anyone.

Connor had a substantial dowry - one that his father cannot touch due to a crafty and wily and quite dead mother. This was another reason for Connor's woebegoneness and forlorn spirit. Mostly, however, our young heroine, er, hero, was sad in his heart and soul (be do be do be do) because he has so much love to give. And all his days, he hoped and he prayed for someone just like... well, there's the rub. Which he did. Often. Because Connor was of an age, and was surrounded by barren lands and no beautiful someone to share himself with, except Palmela and her five sisters.

And lo, it came to pass that one cold and gloomy day - actually, it was a rare sunshiny day in Ireland, but Connor's a bit difficult - that Liam told Connor to pack a bag, limber up, and grab some lanolin - they would be boarding a ship and setting sail for Slovakia (they weren't smart back in those days and didn't realize it was land-locked) to marry Connor up to Earl Wesley, whereby his Da would get a portion of the precious dowry. Wesley always tipped the pimps.

Connor woefully climbed the many many stairs of his circular tower, grabbed a few belongings, and drug his heels all the way to the ship. When he asked how long it would take for them to arrive in Slovakia, the large, white haired and jolly captain hollered out that it was only a three hour tour. (They didn't know how to tell time back then.) But, the weather started getting rough, the tiny shipped was tossed. If not for the boarding of a pirate crew, the Hyperion would be lost. The Hyperion would be lost. Oh, sorry, I was afraid you didn't read that last sentence all the way.

And what of this pirate crew? Where did they come from? Are they just a plot device? YES. But no. They're more. So much more...

*wavy lines of flashback*
*or possibly a proscenium opening to reveal the stage, yes, I like that one better*

~*~*~

Connor, a dowry, 'n his Da one night
Sailed off in a wooden ship --
Sailed off to Slovakia - a land locked site -
Delivering him to his pimp.
"Where are we going, and what does he wish?"
The sad boy asked of his Da.
"Yer sweet white arse and yer hole to fish,
He likes 'em tight with a pretty jaw,
He dun care if yer a fine boy or a squaw."
Said Connor-with-dowry's Da.

The old man laughed and sang a song
As they rocked in that wooden boat,
And the wind that sped them to god knows where
Dried out poor Connor's throat.
His sweet tight arse had ne'er been fished
Nor lips had e'er touched his jaw
"But Da, I'm skeert - not once have I swished -
Mayhaps his cock I'll gnaw!"
So cried the fair boy to his cold hearted pa,
That Connor-with-dowry's Da.

All the night long the boat did it sail
To a land-locked country (I know)
'Til a bump and a roar signaled pirates aft
With a blonde pirate captain (chapeau'd)
"Well, what have we here - a full lipped lad?
I warrant this cannot be!
Perhaps 'tis a dream - a beautiful dream -
Where I plunder a new trainee?"
But Liam would not let down Earl Wesley,
That Connor-with-dowry's Da!

"Connor-with-dowry-" he started to say,
"Belongs to another gent.
The man, he is itchy - you can see why -
To get his wick dipped and bent.
So shut yer mouth, pull up yer pants
And get the hell off o'me boat."
"I'll not leave yet," the pirate laughed,
"'Til I feel the fine lad in my throat."
"Ye'll not feel or finger his cock nor his choat!"
Said Connor-with-dowry's Da.

"Are ye daft or dumb?" Liam sputtered hence,
"To not hear a word that I cry?
'Tis true that the lad is enormous - immense!
And sweet as a Spring hare pie-"
The pirate cared not for the words of the man
And stormed past (a straight shot)
For the long-limbed lad (lovely as a Rodin)
Grabbed the boy, said, "Yarr, ye're caught;
And my thanks to yer Pa for this lovely yacht.
To Connor-with-dowry's Da!"

The pirates they roared; oh how they cheered!
"To find such a booty hence!"
Blonde Pirate (double entendre - the intent) had jeered,
"Now let buggery commence!"
His crew - the scoundrels - they laughed and they sneered -
The ship was filled with loot.
And those Irish lads smilingly volunteered
To hammocks the two crews did scoot.
Some worried, but changed their tune and dinna give pursuit
To Connor-with-dowry's Da.

Alone was left Connor and the blonde pirate
Who's looks were rather nice,
Said he, "Ye're quiet, a good-looking chit
Can I offer a bit o'advice?"
Connor he quailed, yet imagined a nook
To hump that handsome man
Replied he, "Spare me your words, your gobbledygook.
Drop your pants, Eyes of Cyan.
And do tell me right smart - in the mouth or the can?"
(Poor Connor-with-dowry's Da!)

The pirate he smirked and he preened, the cad,
And said, "In yer mouth, and now."
The boy pouted, snorted, and pulled up a pad
Then drug the man off to the prow.
He opened his mouth and smacked his red lips
And undid the pirate's laces.
The pirate he beamed and tweaked his own nips
(Good thing the boy wore no braces)
"I'll give ye my cock," he cried, "then when you're in my good graces,
Next 'tis Connor-with-dowry's Da!"

Liam he bobbed and floated 'longside his ship;
And heard the man's boastful call,
And thrashed and did yell, "Not unless ye want a fat lip!"
Then prayed for a helpful squall.
No wind nor storm nor rough sea befell the horny crew
They fucked and they sucked
With wanton glee until each sailor was through.
A plan did the lad 'gin to construct,
A plan in which he was throroughly fucked,
Not by Connor-with-dowry's Da.

The pirate he gleamed, he sighed, and he said,
"A bonnie right laddie you are.
You use yer pert mouth sae fine on me head,
You've passed the test so far.
But now it's time to spread yer tight cheeks-
Show me yer compass rose."
Connor's eyes did roll and his cock it did leak
At the pirate's awful prose.
Ne'er heard such words, Spike later supposed,
From Connor-with-dowry's Da.

The gay ship sailed on 'cross the ocean that night -
The lovers did embrace.
Their souls discovered something of greater might
Than gold or a priceless vase.
The thing they did find that made their hearts soar
Was a warm and willing guy.
A young lad and a man who often 'sclaimed "Cor"
All night played 'hide the pork pie.'
Now bolstered by love, the boy finally did cry,
"Farewell Connor-with-dowry's Da!"


Comments

( 59 comments — Leave a comment )
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wolfshark
Sep. 19th, 2006 10:59 pm (UTC)
*dies laughing*

Oh, this is too funny!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC)
Hee, it's too something all right!

*g*
anothersuperboy
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:08 pm (UTC)
Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

This is possibly my favorite bit:

"His sweet tight arse had ne'er been fished"

stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:13 pm (UTC)
Hee hee!! Yaycakes! I've been reciting it outloud as I wrote it in a one-eyed Irish fisherman's voice. (In my head, that's a distinctive sound.)

*G*
... - its_art - Sep. 20th, 2006 05:24 am (UTC) - Expand
... - anothersuperboy - Sep. 20th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Sep. 20th, 2006 11:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - anothersuperboy - Sep. 21st, 2006 12:19 am (UTC) - Expand
gillo
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:14 pm (UTC)
You are a loony. But I think you knew that!

::keels over laughing hysterically::

You are just too wonderful.
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:19 pm (UTC)
I fully expect to be tazered and mounted on particle board in a science lab to be studied for years.

Heh, thanks.
entrenous88
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
the Hyperion would be lost. The Hyperion would be lost. Oh, sorry, I was afraid you didn't read that last sentence all the way.
WHEEEEEEE!

Also, "hide the pork pie"? *chokes*

There's so much funny in here. And I'm going to be singing those verses all night!

So clearly the right person has handled this ribald tale! *shakes your hand*

Arr!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:35 pm (UTC)
GILLIGAN. And I think we both know who "Lovey" is. I'm not even TRYING to make sense any more.

And YOU! you with the 100 words of BRILLIANCE! *beams mightily, yarr*
lostakasha
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:32 pm (UTC)
My god. Yes, I have crossed into that space where women of a certain age dwell .... it's such a short trip from the super maxi to the serenity. But you made it worth it, even if I very nearly pee'd meself.

Brava!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:37 pm (UTC)
*offers you a gross of Depends™*

And no matter how mooch ya shiver yer timbre, a dram always end oop in yer trouser leg, yarrr.
lynnenne
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:36 pm (UTC)
Not to be confused with the Dread Pirate Wesley, because face it, that wasn't going to strike fear into the heart of anyone.

Hahahahahahaha! Oh, you are so beautifully broken, my darling. Argh!
stoney321
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:38 pm (UTC)
HEEEEEEEEEE!! Where mah Sponner homies at, what what?

I'll stop doing that instantly. *beams*
beanbeans
Sep. 19th, 2006 11:54 pm (UTC)
My family is staring at me as if I were insane, I am cackling so. You are made of love and shiny. *adores you and your wonderful brain liek whoa*

Also? This:
A young lad and a man who often 'sclaimed "Cor"
All night played 'hide the pork pie.'

makes me ROTF. *wipes eyes* *loves*
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 01:01 am (UTC)
Aww, I wish JM played 'hide the pork pie' with you on your con trip.

Wait, NO I DO NOT. That is bad. BAD!! Hee!

:*
... - beanbeans - Sep. 20th, 2006 01:44 am (UTC) - Expand
morgantree
Sep. 20th, 2006 12:25 am (UTC)
N'ere been fished?!

::Howls with laughter. Again::

Ow, my stomach. This whole thing is just so freakin' funny! I'll never think of pirates again without this fabulous ditty leaping to mind. And I have a 3-year old!

Arrrrrr! Ye've despoiled me forever!
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 01:02 am (UTC)
Heh - what does that say about me, the mother of three, one whom is a kindergartener? Oh right. That I'm wrong in the heid. :D

*despoils you some more, yarr!*
ely_jan
Sep. 20th, 2006 12:34 am (UTC)
I love that you let us all embrace your insanity right along with you!

God, laughing so hard right now there might be a bit of urination!
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 01:02 am (UTC)
EMBRACE MY CRAZY! That would make an excellent T-shirt, aharrr.

*mails you some Depends* Hee!
sweptawaybayou
Sep. 20th, 2006 12:40 am (UTC)
You rock.

Laughed out loud, I did. Skeered my lil'ones as they slave over their 'omework.

:)

argh! Luff yah, babe. Just what I needed.

*runs back to reread*
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 01:03 am (UTC)
Sure and aren't I the one who's mizzen mast is missin'?

*luffs you fore and aft*
(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 01:04 am (UTC)
Yay the compass rose joke worked! Man, I tried to scribble this down while the kids were doing their homework. I AM NOT RIGHT, ANNE.

Lanolin. When pirates aren't a'ship, they like to help out the shepherds with getting those pesky sheep over the fence. :D
amybnnyc
Sep. 20th, 2006 01:24 am (UTC)
*re-vows eternal love to you*

I am dying. DYING and it is all your fault. Cor, you shameless hussy!
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 02:43 am (UTC)
WHEEEEE!! And 'tis true: I am a shameless wench/hussy. SHAMELESS, much to my family's chagrin. *g*
zyrya
Sep. 20th, 2006 02:38 am (UTC)
Eyes of cyan!

Brilliant. Yarrr!
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 02:44 am (UTC)
Hahaha! Glad that one got pull-quoted. *is a shameless whore* See: above for further proof.
terilyn4
Sep. 20th, 2006 03:08 am (UTC)
I'm scared of your brain Stoney!

what's a wick and how does it get bent?

*giggles*
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 03:07 pm (UTC)
Dun bee skeert!

*makes zombie hands at you*
semby
Sep. 20th, 2006 03:50 am (UTC)
Had I had a beverage, my keyboard would be ruined.

Every line was made of funny!
stoney321
Sep. 20th, 2006 03:08 pm (UTC)
Good girl for remembering the beverage rule of my LJ.

I'll need to stock up on funny - I think I ran through my supply...
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( 59 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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