Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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When the going gets tough, Stoney reads bad!fic

This is called escapism. It's also about celebrating the glory that is bad!fic. Words have meaning. Except in these stories.

  • pounding her pelvis with the fury of a thousand ninjas. Now, I've encountered ninjas - albeit through chop-socky films, but nonetheless. Their fury is LEGENDARY. *cries a single tear for her pelvis*
  • "My cock flailed around like an out of control fire hose." Now, I've encountered out of control fire hoses. That'll take your eye out. And clearly this man is completely dehydrated, like that guy on that episode of Angel.
  • "It seemed Remus hadn't noticed what Harry was about to do, but it was clear after Harry had managed to get his pants undone and had slipped a hand down, that he knew." Apparently Remus isn't the swiftest of DADA Professors. Bonus points for getting the word "had" in there three times.
  • "Thou hast need to occupy your time, barbarian", questioned the female? Oh, don't tease me, author. Did she question him? Is this one of those "choose your own punctuation adventure books?"

All of which leads us to: In The Author Clearly Is Asking The Reader For Help Category:

  • "[the young boy] had been standing there for a very long time. How long? Well,his older brother had went off on his on about an hour earlier and had just returned." So.... about an hour, then? And man, I love it when guys rage at their ons. "Fuck you, On! I'm sick of calling and you not picking up. I'm sick of covering for you when Off shows up! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, On!" It's subtle.
  • InuYasha felt, what, violated? Hmm. Maybe? Or maybe he felt rapturous? Clean? Hungry? Upset to be in this fic with yet another baboon pelted man? The possibilities are endless.

From the Redundancy Department of Redundancy:

  • welcomed them with open willingness
  • again take her once again virgin pussy
  • the dark jazz club was dark
  • dated with age
  • Japanese tea from the Japanese restaurant. See, we're expecting it to be from an African market, and so the author FOOLS US by making it the obvious, when we aren't expecting it. CLEVER.

I swear to the god of your choice that I am not making these up. How about fun with oxymorons?

  • fiery tenderness

And it's not from Equus fanfic:

  • a single horse cry

I Hate My Apartment/House/Yurt/Earthship And So I Redecorate In Fanfic Award:

"The living room was of spacious art and sculptures like Buffy had decorated her studio apartment. It was off white with black curtains the couch was of black leather and matching chair. The kitchen was rather small but was modern in decor. With black cabinets and flowered wallpaper made it seem more larger same for the dining area it was floral wallpapered same as the kitchen and off white walls with pretty flowers and huge table setting 8 easily. The 1st bathroom had a ocean beach like decor ranging from the ocean shower curtain to various seashells to a sea shell tub and separate shower. The walls were in ocean blue and flooring to match. The 1st bedroom was of Spike's it was red walled and matching flooring very posh and manly to say at the least.He had a huge closet and huge spare bath in the corner of the room both done in dull grey colors. The 2nd bath decor ran into more of manly fishing tackle and fishes decor. Housing a huge jacuzzi for 4 and a separate bathtub of simple fashion of grey color. The sink were in the same gray color tiled top as both the 1st bathroom and kitchen. Their were 2 other rooms but only one was a guest room the other was turned into a study and library on the top floor. They were done in gray and blue light shades with blue curtains in both rooms. The guest bedroom was of the country decor reminding of old days of ones youth white the study and library seemed to be in modern and updated materials which housed a typewriter and computer at one huge cherry desk."

I'm sorry, but this sounds like the house of a serial killer. CHECK FOR BLEACH AND SYRINGES, BUFFY!!

Random WTFery

  • they walked back to his house of bricks (See, it's a Spuffy fic, so his house is out of bricks to avoid the Big Bad, get it? GET IT?? *hits us all over the head*
  • reservationed dinner
  • seated by the matrondee Aww. That makes me sad.
  • pheasant-type blouse True, the feathers and down keep you warm, but don't wear it during hunting season.
  • I thought silently yet comfortily sarcasticly inside My head God complex? Dumb God complex?

And some AMAZINGLY BAD MarySue/Snape BDSM fic:

  • I leaned against the wall wondering and thinking ...and pondering and surmising while pensively thoughtfully contemplating various speculations and ruminations.
  • then he proceeded to take my gag of and kissed my lips ever so gently gag of... GAG OF...?? Gag of nails? Kittens? HAM PIE? Oooh, a gag of ham pie with cheddar would be DELISH. Ever so.
  • that would make things even more... humm... exciting I like to insert my own "how you say?" in a foreign accent here. This is in the fic no less than THREE TIMES by paragraph 17. Which were thoughtfully numbered.
  • lick of his cum of her face They have melded into one, it seems! Also: EWW.
  • I had to be taught properness a lesson Again, a Romanian accent wouldn't go amiss here. No offense to Romanians. Unless are GEEPSEES *ptooey!*
  • they opened their pants and produced large, no no, huge cocks I like feeling like I'm inside her head while this is happening. It makes things even more... humm.. exciting. Ever so.
  • my eyes grew wider then wide When we mix up then/than, people, it makes us feel like things are happening backwards.
  • I was feeling two cocks in me, then a sudden sting brought me back Oh, the STING you felt? Not the two no no huge cocks ramming you? Huh.

And Holy Awkward Sentence, Batman!

  • He didn't lay wasting time til descendant atop of his chosen one soon the room was awaken by moans and screams as his cock slide inside of her now tighten pussy full of wet juices he made.'s like jazz. Which is dark, in a dark room. Also, we're all drunk.

And lastly, the best disclaimer to a fic that had no hint of piracy whatsoever: Not A Pirate Fic.

Thank you all, and have a great weekend. see you Monday.
Tags: bad!(great)fic
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