- "Can I shoot armadillos in my backyard?" Sir, you live in the center of a large metrpolis. If you want to go to jail, then by all means. Shoot away! ??
- "Where can I find a cannon to get ducks off my lawn?" Seriously, this is the best one in the history of humanity. This man BOUGHT A HOUSE ON A LAKE. And doesn't like ducks on the bottom half of his four acres. So he's gonna set up a CANNON. And he's all crotchety and curmudgeon esque. Good lord, get a dog.
- "Is it a problem that bees are 'growing' in my house?" Okay, this is actually tricky one. Does he mean a HIVE is growing? Because yes, that's an expensive problem best handled ASAP. Or does he mean he has MUTANT BEES in his house? Because he needs to see the guy with the cannon and ducks. Or the armadillo cowboy.
- "How can I stop my oaks from making acorns?" Cut the tree down. DON'T PLANT OAK TREES. What???
- "My grass is turning brown and dying. What can I do?" Um, wait until March. We live where grass dies in winter. I can't stress how panicked this guy was. OMG my grass!! MY GRASS!!!
- from a walk-in: "How do I crack black walnuts?" He had a huge sack of walnuts, which I guess we were going to need for all of our experiments. I imagined some Rube Goldberg type contraptions involving the various taxidermied animals here for the Animal Control office, pruning sheers, and the cases of butterflies. Instead, I just told him to get a hammer. The contraptions would have been more fun, especially since I would have made the Pee Wee's Big Adventure music.
In other news, BORAT comes out today, whee!! Also, I'm going to write up a storm this weekend, which will please me greatly. I have more recs to post, but I'll wait until monday when all the remaining sitcomathon fics have come in. HAPPY FRIDAY, WHEEE!