"Title:" "Who's More Rigid?"
Author: What's got two thumbs and writes ridiculous fic? THIS GUY! *points to self with said thumbs*
Characters: Principal Snyder (BtVS) Principal Skinner (Simpsons), Carl Spackler and Judge Smails (Caddyshack)
Disclaimer: Prolonged reading of this journal can cause blindness, loss of keys, and loss of brain function. Probably best to look away.
Who's More Rigid?
- $ -
SMAILS: It's time for another round of "Who's More Rigid." I'm your host, Judge Smails. Our players tonight are two school principals. From Springfield, USA is Principal Seymour Skinner, and from Sunnydale, California is Principal Snyder. *blusters* Gentlemen.
SKINNER: It's a pleasure to be here.
SNYDER: *eyes narrowed* I thought this was going to be like the $25,000 pyramid! Where's Charo?
SMAILS: I don't have a lot of time for small talk - I tee off in an hour and the Monte Cristo is tonight's clubhouse special. Let's go over the rules. We have on our board various infractions by juveniles, or "students" as I'm supposed to refer to them -
*the men all frown knowingly at each other*
SMAILS: - and you'll buzz in with the correct punishment for points. He with the highest point tally wins. In case of a tie, we'll have a lightening round of "expulsion or execution." Skinner, I believe you won the toss before the show?
SNYDER: *accusingly* He stepped on my shoe, and it was a Canadian dime, not an American coin!
SMAIlS: *blustering towards the judge panel* Is this true? Was a Canadian coin used in the toss? *waits for them to confer* Snyder, I believe we'll start with you and give you a bonus of one hundred points for the unpatriotic use of foreign money.
SNYDER: *sneering at Skinner* I'll take Attendance for $300.
SMAILS: *eyes card, eyes Snyder, eyes card, blows air through jowls* Senior classman, tardy to his homeroom by twenty minutes.
SKINNER: *buzzes* What is detention for one week?
SMAILS: I'm sorry, no.
SNYDER: *buzzes* One month of detention, plus a weekly spit shine to my loafers.
SMAILS: Correct. *blusters* Also, chamois?
SNYDER: *small nod* Chamois.
SMAILS; Very good. Carry on.
SNYDER: I'll take Dress Code Violations for six.
SMAILS: Name the number one violation in this category.
SKINNER: *buzzes* Failure to measure sock cuff with a ruler.
SMAILS: That is incorrect.
SNYDER: *buzzes* What is failure to tuck in that shirt?
SMAILS: Very good. You know, you have the kind of gumption I admire in a man.
SNYDER: Why, thank you. I am my mother's son.
SMAILS: Have you ever considered... personal security? My wife, Mother, could use a driver? Mmm? Mmm?
SNYDER: If I don't keep a close watch over the children, who will?
SMAILS: Good man. Good man. You still have the board.
SNYDER: I'll pick Respecting School Property for a thousand.
SMAILS: *adjusts bifocals* One spray-painted puma.
SKINNER: *buzzes, and screams* Noooooooooo! The mighty puma! WHAT. IS. EXPULSION.
SMAILS: Calm yourself, man! Correct. *loud bell in background* That sound, gentlemen, signals the end of the round. And it appears we have a tie. You each have one thousand points. We'll move to a lightening round of "expulsion or execution." Buzz in after I read the question with your answer, and each correct answer is worth one hundred points. Shall we begin? *both contestants adjust their ties and jackets, and smooth their hair*
SMAILS: A child using his or her imagination.
SKINNER: *buzzes frantically* Expulsion.
SMAILS: Correct. A student who butts their nose in where it doesn't belong.
SNYDER: *buzzes* Execution. I mean, expulsion. Unless it's Buff-
SMAILS: No, I'm sorry, you've run out of time with your indecisiveness. *taps watch* Tick tock, tick tock. Golf will wait for no man, sir.
*Snyder frowns and has a mini hissy fit*
SMAILS: Failure to make decent tasting lemonade for Parent/Teacher night.
SNYDER: *buzzing with confidence* Expulsion. Sweet, sweet expulsion.
SMAILS: Very good. Walking the halls with a lordly air, and inticing other students with the idea of freedom.
SNYDER: *buzzes* EXPULSION.
SMAILS: *pompously* Correct. Murdering another student.
SKINNER: Good lord! *buzzes* Execution?
SMAILS: No, I'm afraid it's illegal for administrators to put any member of the student body to death. We've triple checked.
SKINNER: *flashing back briefly* It's not illegal in 'Nam.
SMAILS: *nods knowingly* Nor in Korea. At least, not when I was there. Times were different then. *looks on with nostalgia* Well, we have the final scores. Mr. Skinner answered one of the lightening round questions correctly, but Mr. Snyder has answered two, making him this week's champion. Mr. Spackler? Tell the man what he's won, and be quick about it. *clapping hands* Chop chop!
SPACKLER: *adjusting his greenskeeping clothes* What we have here is some pants from Sansabelt. It's uh... See, they're pants, but you can use them to reupholster your folding porch buckets, or to cart manure across the lawn, which is a Kentucky Bluegrass hybrid. So you got these pants. I believe uh... I believe there were some coupons to Golden Corral, but me and my buddy *points to clay squirrel* were a little hungry after re-sodding the Eighth, so... So you got these pants. Which is nice. Your Judgeship?
SMAILS: *looking at Spackler with barely hidden disgust* Filth of a man. Call Mr. Wong and have my car brought around. I want to meet Dr. Beeper at the course for a few warm-up strokes.
*Spackler makes a head motion towards the camera*
SMAILS: Hmm? *pissy* Oh, yes. Yes. *to the camera* That's all we have for "Who's More Rigid" this week. Join us next week when we have the battle of the groundskeepers, and no, that doesn't mean you, Carl. We have an Argus Filch from a private school in the UK and a Scottish man named "Groundskeeper Willie" that will battle it out for the title. Now if that car isn't here in ten seconds, there'll be no fifty-cent tip, young man. And someone bring me a Fresca. *exits in a hurry*
SNYDER: Where can I take my parking ticket to be validated?
SKINNER: That's why I had Mother drop me off on the way to her Bridge game.