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Fic post. Errr, something.

This is one of those things that I have to get out. Like a thorn. Or gas. I can say that I honestly have NO IDEA where this came from. Such a rousing promise, huh? Oh, and it would help if you knew who Judge Smails was: Ted Knight's character from Caddyshack. "Smokehouse, what's all this wax on my loafers? I want you to strip it all off. And then buff them with a fine chamois. Chop chop!" If you don't know who Seymour Skinner or Principal Snyder is, then there's no use. Ditto for Carl Spackler.

"Title:" "Who's More Rigid?"
Rated: Oy.
Author: What's got two thumbs and writes ridiculous fic? THIS GUY! *points to self with said thumbs*
Characters: Principal Snyder (BtVS) Principal Skinner (Simpsons), Carl Spackler and Judge Smails (Caddyshack)
Disclaimer: Prolonged reading of this journal can cause blindness, loss of keys, and loss of brain function. Probably best to look away.

- $ -

Who's More Rigid?

- $ -

SMAILS: It's time for another round of "Who's More Rigid." I'm your host, Judge Smails. Our players tonight are two school principals. From Springfield, USA is Principal Seymour Skinner, and from Sunnydale, California is Principal Snyder. *blusters* Gentlemen.

SKINNER: It's a pleasure to be here.


SNYDER: *eyes narrowed* I thought this was going to be like the $25,000 pyramid! Where's Charo?

SMAILS: I don't have a lot of time for small talk - I tee off in an hour and the Monte Cristo is tonight's clubhouse special. Let's go over the rules. We have on our board various infractions by juveniles, or "students" as I'm supposed to refer to them -

*the men all frown knowingly at each other*

SMAILS: - and you'll buzz in with the correct punishment for points. He with the highest point tally wins. In case of a tie, we'll have a lightening round of "expulsion or execution." Skinner, I believe you won the toss before the show?

SNYDER: *accusingly* He stepped on my shoe, and it was a Canadian dime, not an American coin!

SMAIlS: *blustering towards the judge panel* Is this true? Was a Canadian coin used in the toss? *waits for them to confer* Snyder, I believe we'll start with you and give you a bonus of one hundred points for the unpatriotic use of foreign money.

SNYDER: *sneering at Skinner* I'll take Attendance for $300.

SMAILS: *eyes card, eyes Snyder, eyes card, blows air through jowls* Senior classman, tardy to his homeroom by twenty minutes.

SKINNER: *buzzes* What is detention for one week?

SMAILS: I'm sorry, no.

SNYDER: *buzzes* One month of detention, plus a weekly spit shine to my loafers.

SMAILS: Correct. *blusters* Also, chamois?

SNYDER: *small nod* Chamois.

SMAILS; Very good. Carry on.

SNYDER: I'll take Dress Code Violations for six.

SMAILS: Name the number one violation in this category.

SKINNER: *buzzes* Failure to measure sock cuff with a ruler.

SMAILS: That is incorrect.

SNYDER: *buzzes* What is failure to tuck in that shirt?

SMAILS: Very good. You know, you have the kind of gumption I admire in a man.

SNYDER: Why, thank you. I am my mother's son.

SMAILS: Have you ever considered... personal security? My wife, Mother, could use a driver? Mmm? Mmm?

SNYDER: If I don't keep a close watch over the children, who will?

SMAILS: Good man. Good man. You still have the board.

SNYDER: I'll pick Respecting School Property for a thousand.

SMAILS: *adjusts bifocals* One spray-painted puma.

SKINNER: *buzzes, and screams* Noooooooooo! The mighty puma! WHAT. IS. EXPULSION.

SMAILS: Calm yourself, man! Correct. *loud bell in background* That sound, gentlemen, signals the end of the round. And it appears we have a tie. You each have one thousand points. We'll move to a lightening round of "expulsion or execution." Buzz in after I read the question with your answer, and each correct answer is worth one hundred points. Shall we begin? *both contestants adjust their ties and jackets, and smooth their hair*

SMAILS: A child using his or her imagination.

SKINNER: *buzzes frantically* Expulsion.

SMAILS: Correct. A student who butts their nose in where it doesn't belong.

SNYDER: *buzzes* Execution. I mean, expulsion. Unless it's Buff-

SMAILS: No, I'm sorry, you've run out of time with your indecisiveness. *taps watch* Tick tock, tick tock. Golf will wait for no man, sir.

*Snyder frowns and has a mini hissy fit*

SMAILS: Failure to make decent tasting lemonade for Parent/Teacher night.

SNYDER: *buzzing with confidence* Expulsion. Sweet, sweet expulsion.

SMAILS: Very good. Walking the halls with a lordly air, and inticing other students with the idea of freedom.


SMAILS: *pompously* Correct. Murdering another student.

SKINNER: Good lord! *buzzes* Execution?

SMAILS: No, I'm afraid it's illegal for administrators to put any member of the student body to death. We've triple checked.

SKINNER: *flashing back briefly* It's not illegal in 'Nam.

SMAILS: *nods knowingly* Nor in Korea. At least, not when I was there. Times were different then. *looks on with nostalgia* Well, we have the final scores. Mr. Skinner answered one of the lightening round questions correctly, but Mr. Snyder has answered two, making him this week's champion. Mr. Spackler? Tell the man what he's won, and be quick about it. *clapping hands* Chop chop!

SPACKLER: *adjusting his greenskeeping clothes* What we have here is some pants from Sansabelt. It's uh... See, they're pants, but you can use them to reupholster your folding porch buckets, or to cart manure across the lawn, which is a Kentucky Bluegrass hybrid. So you got these pants. I believe uh... I believe there were some coupons to Golden Corral, but me and my buddy *points to clay squirrel* were a little hungry after re-sodding the Eighth, so... So you got these pants. Which is nice. Your Judgeship?

SMAILS: *looking at Spackler with barely hidden disgust* Filth of a man. Call Mr. Wong and have my car brought around. I want to meet Dr. Beeper at the course for a few warm-up strokes.

*Spackler makes a head motion towards the camera*

SMAILS: Hmm? *pissy* Oh, yes. Yes. *to the camera* That's all we have for "Who's More Rigid" this week. Join us next week when we have the battle of the groundskeepers, and no, that doesn't mean you, Carl. We have an Argus Filch from a private school in the UK and a Scottish man named "Groundskeeper Willie" that will battle it out for the title. Now if that car isn't here in ten seconds, there'll be no fifty-cent tip, young man. And someone bring me a Fresca. *exits in a hurry*

SNYDER: Where can I take my parking ticket to be validated?

SKINNER: That's why I had Mother drop me off on the way to her Bridge game.

- $ -



( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 28th, 2006 08:00 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA! You are a genius, there is no contest.
Nov. 28th, 2006 08:11 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, nuh uh. I came thiiiiiiiiis close to deleting the whole thing. thanks.

This is what I do when I can't sleep. You know: freak out. And force you all to witness it. :D
Nov. 28th, 2006 08:14 pm (UTC)
::snort:: You are twisted and sick. I like that in a woman.

Nov. 28th, 2006 08:17 pm (UTC)
Heh heh. *beams*

I swear, my crackiest crack always comes after spending time with the Mormons.
Nov. 28th, 2006 08:28 pm (UTC)
Hahahahahahaha! Omg. That Ted Knight character had a weird impact on my childhood (because of the whole seeing it on the movie channel 80 times). You have him *down*, seriously. Poor Skinner. Too bad Superintendant Chaumers wasn't heckling him from the audience. *cheers in advance for Groundskeeper Willie*

Damn, now *I* want a Fresca!
Nov. 28th, 2006 08:32 pm (UTC)
Wheee! Yay for this not sucking completely! Man, do I love Ted Knight. Loved. Woe. I loved him on Mary Tyler More, Too Close For Comfort... (I wanted that cow puppet!)

Superintendent Chaumers! "SkiiiinEEERRRRR!" Oh, Simpsons. I remember when you were the best.

Groundskeeper Willie is one of the funniest things EVER. Especially when my Scottish neighbors laugh about his ridiculousness all while admiring his perfect Scottishness. Hahahahaha!

Nov. 28th, 2006 08:46 pm (UTC)
Too Close For Comfort! Was that set in Sacramento, or am I crazy?

And TFMN and I *always* do the "I only have a hundred dollar bill. Can you break a hundred dollar bill?" thing from MTM.


Nov. 28th, 2006 08:50 pm (UTC)
*hearts like WHOA!*

And yes! Yes! Sacramento! It had an opening shot of SF, then swooped into Sacramento, right? Oh, Jim J Bullock. Remember his short-lived talk show with Tammy Faye Baker?? I loved that show! How random is THAT?

I like to do the "Mmm? Mmm?" mouth thing he does to Danny Noonan in Caddyshack. Damn, I love that movie. I haven't seen the unbleeped version in YEARS. Must remedy! "And I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a milkshake. I want a hot dog and=" "You'll get nothing and like it!"
Nov. 28th, 2006 08:43 pm (UTC)
You. Are. A. Goddess.

Nov. 28th, 2006 08:51 pm (UTC)
*turns water into wine tequila*

(Deleted comment)
Nov. 28th, 2006 10:31 pm (UTC)
I DUN HAFF THAT NUMBRE. Email me? I call you with a quickness.

Hahahaha: I am ALWAYS at work.
Nov. 28th, 2006 10:56 pm (UTC)
In case of a tie, we'll have a lightening round of "expulsion or execution."

*loses it completely*

I am so glad you're back!!! *misuses foreign currency by stuffing Canadian coins in your g-string*
Nov. 29th, 2006 03:46 am (UTC)
HELLO HELLO!! *is really regreeting this mesh g-string - those coins keep slipping through*

YOU KNOW THE SKINNER IS FOR YOU. For you. The mighty pyuuuma.
Nov. 28th, 2006 11:21 pm (UTC)


*howls with laughter*

*falls off chair and wets self*

I always thought there should be more fics with the two best (meaning worst) principals in fictional history. This was brilliant. Loved it.
Nov. 29th, 2006 03:47 am (UTC)
*hands you Depends - it'll save on dry cleaning bills*

Please excuse me for contemplating the addition of Principal Belzer for a wild and insane moment.

:D (And thanks)
Nov. 29th, 2006 02:11 am (UTC)
BWAHAHAHAHA! Please say that you will really do Fitch and Willie. LMAO
Nov. 29th, 2006 03:48 am (UTC)
You never know! Oh, Willie. "Ya uuuuuused me Skinner! Ya uuuuuuuuuused me!" and "No one can catch a Scotsman when he's greased!" remain staples in my house.

Dec. 3rd, 2006 01:44 am (UTC)
*moves in to your house* I choo-choo- choose you
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 29th, 2006 03:49 am (UTC)
I think both T-based networks are valid choices. And I may have to re-work our contract. They can't ALL be the faves. (People are going to figure out I'm paying you. I MEAN-!! Shit.)

Nothing to see here. Move along. *sweeps up msscribe litter*
(Deleted comment)
Nov. 29th, 2006 02:12 pm (UTC)
I completely agree on the odd bit.
Dec. 4th, 2006 06:19 pm (UTC)
Every day I am more convinced that lettered was right about you.
Dec. 4th, 2006 06:39 pm (UTC)
The one where she said I was on crack? Like, the dirty ghetto kind? YES. I am.

Dec. 4th, 2006 06:42 pm (UTC)
All of it. Everything. There was some story about a tutu and a cigar? But I can't remember the details.

Either way, you rock.
Dec. 4th, 2006 06:46 pm (UTC)
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes it's a girl's best friend. What? [/Lewinsky]

And I'll try to keep that rocking from tilting into a full on roll.

Dec. 4th, 2006 06:59 pm (UTC)
Oh hey, I'm in Seattle, so we'll all the rock n' roll we can get. Even if there's an accordian involved.
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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