Dear Owner of Large Dog that Leaves for a Walk Before Me,
It's clear that your pooch enjoys eating something the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex for breakfast daily, and has digestive problems as a result. I'm glad you DIDN'T clean up the poop on the sidewalk for the fourth time this week. Because obviously that would have killed you. And then I would have had something even larger to hurdle on the path. Plus, I assume your dog would eat your dead carcass, and you probably spent a bundle on a special burial plot, so WELL PLAYED, SIR.
Here's a tip: bring a fucking bag. Or take your dog out back before you go.
The world is not your pet's toilet,
Dear Runner in Front of Sally and Me this Morning,
Man, those shoes are a goner. Toss 'em. Don't even try to salvage them, brohan. Just... I am so, so sorry.
Nose Pinchingly Yours,
Dear Sally Von Shtupp of Zee Tail Thoomping,
You are adorable. Keep it up. (Especially the no barking/chasing/standing patiently next to me when dogs approach thing.) I'm sorry people are afraid of your size and breed. You're a sweet girl.
<3 <3 and :*,
*clap clap clapclapclap, clapclapclapclap* DOG MOM!
A letter to the editor this morning stated that The Passion of the Christ was no myth, that the Apostles obviously died as martyrs for Jesus (which, the crucifixion AND RESURRECTION are "the most thoroughly documented event in ancient history") because "People don't die for a lie."
After boggling for several minutes at the breathtaking crazy of that paragraph, I wrote this:
Dear Editorial Staff:
Frank _____ wrote in regarding the truth of the martyrdom of Christ's apostles and that "people don't die for a lie."
Obviously this means the 9/11 terrorists are actually in heaven with their 72 virgins, the Heaven's Gate folks walked their black Nikes up the gangplank on the craft behind Hale-Bopp, and the soldiers coming home from Iraq in body bags helped secure the WMDs.
~My Actual Name and Info
It's getting printed tomorrow. :)