Title: Double Truckin' The Tricky Two
Author: Stoney, like ANYONE ELSE would- *sigh*
Rating: Not meant for Humans (Early/RON WEASLEY)
Fandoms: Squidbillies/HARRY effin' POTTER. You heard me.
Summary: A squid. His red haired Adonis. Or Athena. You cain't never tell with hippies.
A/N: It helps if you know that Squidbillies is an Adult Swim show about a rednecked squid family, with narration. And if you can hear that voice in your head. Or you know.. if you don't hear any voices in your head, that's probably better off in the long run. So help me, I can see Rusty Cuyler getting an owl to attend Hogwarts. OH MY GOD. Just... CRACK ahead. As in, in my mouth, being exhaled.
Early Cuyler dropped his jug of pinecone mash and blinked. "What in the hail? Lil? Crystal?" Early eyeballed the opening to the jug and took a whiff. "Musta made this batch a'party liquor a bit stronger'n the other. Well," he sighed wearily and slithered up the marshy slope, "better charge thuh tourists triple. Now this is a fine how do ya do."
Early, a squid, had the distinct impression that he was no longer in Dougal County, Georgia. First off, the local citizenry of Georgia tended to wear little clothing. And what they did wear was of the Molly Hatchet concert tee-shirt variety. The people he saw scurrying about had on long black robes.
"This some kind a devil worshippin' place? I don't truck with no devil worship. Unless appuh-teasers and drank're provided, o'course."
Early checked his Bowie knife, slipped it under his tentacle, and slithered on, looking for hooch, rock-n-roll, and women. In that order. What Early didn't know is that he was now in a town known as Hogsmeade, just outside the school for magic, Hogwarts. He had come through a portal in the school's lake, made possible by his new batch of pinecone liquor and the lake's resident squid's loneliness. The latest "party liquor" recipe was actually a potion used to open doorways between locations, and the lake's squid had been swimming laps over the portal's opening.
Unfortunately for the Hogwarts squid, the portal was fatal for him. He ended up in the u-bend of a '64 Chevy's air compressor that served as a filter for Early's moonshine still.
[Cut to Sherrif dancing past] "What's this?" He tastes it and wobbles, eyes kaleidescoping. "Is that the piquant taste of almond? Keep up the good work, Early!"
[Cut back to Hogwarts, close up on Early's cap: My Other Hat's a Ferrari.] Early doffed his hat, exposing his reedy comb-over and waggled his eyebrows at a sweet young thang hurrying past in the street. "Well, hello there, little lady. Tentacle rides, two dollars!"
The girl, who incidentally was named Hermione Granger, hurried past with a barely disguised look of disgust. "No, thank you. Come along Ron. It's not polite to stare."
Ron Weasley, gaping like a fish, his flame red hair winking in the weak sunlight, stared at Early. For Early, time came to a stand still. Those full lips. Those large pop-eyes. That red, red flowing hair. In the distance he could hear a guitar chord, like the final notes of Peter Frampton's "Do You Feel Like We Do." Not since Early had gotten a glimpse of Crystal's "front butt" when the car wash's roller brushes manipulated her fat rolls had he felt such a stirring in his loins.
"Gerroffme! Gerroffme!" Ron grabbed weakly at his face, trying desperatly to pull the humping, thrusting squid off his cheek and nose. Early tightened his tentacles, his eyes shut, his lower lip caught in his teeth to focus all of his energy on his thrusting.
Hermione took out her wand and aimed it at the boy's face. "Ooooo! Ull kll mmm!" Hermione huffed and pointed anyway.
A jet of water rushed out of her wand and soused Ron's head and Early. "Whoo! Lookit me, I'm Flashdance! I'm a maaaaaaniac! Maaaaaniac. On. His. Head." Early thrusted in time to the song. If the Sheriff had been around, he would have applauded. After all, the Sheriff had modeled his entire uniform on Jennifer Beals' signature look.
Ron managed to get a tentacle off his mouth and screamed, "Don't wet him, remove him! Auuuugh!"
"Ronald, I'm trying but he won't -- Oooh!" She stamped her foot and tried again. "Stupefy!"
"What the-" Early didn't get to finish, as he turned to jelly and fell to the cobbled street. He looked up at his Titian princess, maybe prince, he couldn't tell when them damn hippies wore their hair so damned long. Ron was spitting and swiping at his tongue.
"Here. Chocolate's what's needed."
"I don't bloody want chocolate, I want a geyser to clean my whole body!"
"Ronald, be sensible. Have the chocolate." She pulled a Chocolate Frog from her robe's pocket and handed it over. Ron shoved it whole into his mouth while Early watched from the road. He got feeling back into his tentacles and launched himself back to his paramour.
"I always," he thrusted, "wanted to date," eyes closed again, "a Cajun. Gimmie that frog leg lovin, my sweet."
Ron screamed helplessly. Hermione pointed her wand and fairly shrieked, "Mobilicorpus!" She flung her wand's tip back towards the lake's edge, where Early fell with a plop. Ron sagged against his friend and breathed out, "I could only think of Alohamora."
It was enough to open that same portal in the lake as before, and Early found himself back against his still, deep in the mountains of North Georgia. Had it all been a dream? It's likely, given the amount of pollutants and chemicals dumped routinely in the back woods. But as Early slinked his way to Crystal's house, hoping to get a taste of White Treasure, he found a bit of chocolate inside one of his suckers.
"Come on over here an'... gimmie some uh that choc'lit." Crystal set down a deep fried turkey leg and made grabby hands at the squid.
"My queen asks, and who am I but her servant tuh- "
"Aw, shut up and feed me."
Early hopped up and made sweet, sweet - well, it wasn't love, and it wasn't sweet. Except for the chocolate, flecked with red hair. Which somehow had melded with Early's DNA - most likely the PCBs that leaked into the local water source - and were even now combining with Crystal's seed. It didn't seem likely, a squid and a 600 pound white woman making a child, especially one with a red-headed magical father that lived in a land far away.
But then, it didn't seem likely that Rick Neilson could carry and play a five-necked guitar. It's best we don't over examine these things.
[Closeup of inside Crystal - a missing bicycle, pan to the grocery store man pounding against her flesh, begging for release, and way in the back, a small, red-headed squid. With a lightening bolt on his head.]
TBC - ri' chere.