Title: Juggernaut of Deth
Fandom: Metalocalypse (lml -_- lml)
Rating/Pairing: Hard R to NC-17, Toki Wartooth/Skwisgaar Skwigelf (All main characters make an appearance.)
Summary: Scandinavians do it better. And with thicker accents. Also: music geekery, but only a bit. Takes place during Episode 1x20 after the concert and beyond.
Disclaimer: I make no money from anything. Which totally and completely sucks. But I do smoke crack and like to share. And by smoke, I mean write.
crossposted to sausagefestival
Juggernaut of Deth
The assassin loomed over the two fastest guitarists in the world, blocking the last of the sun's weak rays. The end was near. Maybe they would be eaten by wolves. Maybe they would die - be frozen statues left for dead in the wastelands. Toki made a mental note to remember that; it would make a great title for a song.
Toki bit his lip and choked out, "I've always... hated you, Skwisgaar."
Skwisgaar ignored the pain in his stomach and smiled knowingly at the rhythm guitarist. "I knows, Toki. I knows."
A shot rang out and they clung together in the icy woods. Blackness took them.
After their band manager Charles Ofdensen disposed of the would-be assassin in the most brutal of ways, he led them through the frozen Polish forest to find the rest of the band. The air was so cold that the snow squeaked under their boots. Toki and Skwisgaar only wore their thin black tees, so they walked close to pool their warmth. Not that they would admit to needing each other.
Or that they were holding hands.
They weren't the gay rods, just cold, what? Pfft, it's not like they went to sausage festivals. Except for Toki, but in that case, they were actual sausage festivals. He had a thing for schnitzengrubens. They were so delicious!
Sometimes Toki sat in his room in the dungeon and would talk to his teddy bear late into the night about his love of sausages. He would tell his bear about his underwater friends, pointing to their pictures that hung on the stone walls, about all the girls he wanted to kiss, and what new scale model he would try to build that day.
But a teddy bear couldn't talk back. And it didn't understand his longing for the cold frozen wastelands of the Arctic Circle. Also, his teddy bear had been burned up with a flame thrower when Toki decided to become a demon to make all the children of the world hate and fear him, and a charcoal briquette with plastic melted eyes wasn't fun to hold in the small hours of the night.
There was someone who could understand. Someone that could relate to him and his dreams, his nihilism. Someone who needed the frozen block of ice that passed for a heart to --
"Are yous doings that things where yous are speakings in your heads to no ones, Toki?"
"No!" He stole a look at Skwisgaar. "Yes."
"Maybes you shoulds be telling yourselfs how to play in key."
"Oh, that's--! I played my ass off!"
Skwisgaar looked behind Toki. "Pfft. Not enough. You still has the janks in your trank, ah ha."
"Oh, you're just jealous from my buns of the steels. You could carve my ass off and make the best guitar in the world!"
"Yous alreadys playing like ass, I dun wants to play the actual ass, Toki. I dun think I gets the Toki-ass endorsement deals. I already haves the Excalibitar and Ant Farmitar, anyways. Fuck, is cold here!"
Toki looked off into the bleakness, and spoke with a hollowness that reminded Swisgaar of a solitary timber wolf before it devoured a crying and lost village child. "It is like we have entered Neiflhelm and will be devoured by the ice droppings from the cow goddess, Audhumla."
"Mmm, yes. It is like the end of days, Ragnarök. That's too bads - I always wanted to puts it to Hel, personallys. I likes my womens large."
"Ha! Um, yes. Me... too?"
Toki picked up his walking pace. Ofdensen was walking much faster than they were and was breaking a path in the deep snow ahead. For a business manager/accountant, he was quite an able-bodied man.
"Toki, are yous still the virgins? Are," Skwisgaar smirked and dropped Toki's hand. "Are you still with the sword that has not been sheathed? Pfft. I must have sexed... twenty, twenty-three babes before we went on stage tonight."
"Oh, yeah. Is really hard to kiss the girls when you are in the biggest band in the world. Whatever."
"I dun kiss them, Toki. I puts my lang skåk in them. Is no big deal. I sex the ladies, the G-Milfs, whos ever I wants."
"Yeah, I do things, too. I like the ladies touch my naked chest, braid my hair, make out, you know. All that stuffs."
Skwisgaar shook his blonde hair out of his face. "I dun let them touch my hairs. I puts a braid in it, and what? I takes my eye out while windmillings over my guitars?" Skwisgaar narrowed his eyes and tapped the side of his head. "Thinks about it. Braids aren't metal, Toki. Ah ha, maybe you should join a lady band and sing about tampoons."
"I'll tell you what's not metal, you don't know what's metal, I'll tell you!"
"That's -- I believes that's called redunkdencies."
"You don't know metal if it bit you in the ass, Skwisgaar."
Skwisgaar sighed and clutched at his chest, stopping to rest a hand against a fir tree. "It... hurts when you talks to me like I'm nothings, Toki. Your words, they cut... So deep. Into my heart."
Toki's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"
Skwisgaar smirked and continued walking. "No. You are the gully bull. Ah ha, little laugh."
Nathan was in surgery for his eighth liver transplant, Murderface was on his cellphone in the dungeon, and Pickles was completely passed out a few feet away in the hot tub. Ofdensen had strapped the drummer into a flotation device before Pickles began his nightly soak, so there was no danger of him drowning. Skwisgaar had his waterproof Gibson Explorer as usual, and was working on some new music and relaxing on the massage bench while the jets blasted against his backside and warmed the last of the Polish chill from his bones.
"Toki, looks at this. I play this," he fingered a complex bar he was working on, "and then you come in after six, no, make it eight beats and --. Toki?"
He finally noticed the pulsing techno music behind him. Toki was on the Dance Dance Revolution game against the far wall of the main room. Skwisgaar narrowed his eyes. "What are you doings?"
"I'm kicking ass, that's what I'm doings, ha ha!" Toki double hopped to the beat and went down on one hand then popped back up, never missing a beat.
"That's why I'm the fastest guitarist in the worlds, Toki. I dun wastes my times playing game." He fingered harder and faster to prove a point. The water boiled from the force.
"Oh, pfft. You're fast, yeah, but you don't haves the fun. Come play!"
"Come play, Skwisgaar!"
"I dun wants to, no."
Toki popped forward on one hand, then twisted in the air and landed backwards on both feet. "I win! Oh, come on, Skwisgaar! I set it on the easy baby setting for babies that don'ts knows how to play." Toki gasped and clapped his hands to his cheeks. "You can't dance, can you?"
"That game is dildoes. I can do the most importants dance - the horizonktals do it theeng. Shattup."
"Is that the new version? I don'ts have that yet!"
Skwisgaar shook his head. "We gots to get you laid."
"I'm not tired yet."
"Toki, go to your room now! Go!"
"But I --"
"Now! Move it! Go! Go. Go now. Go."
Toki looked over his shoulder as he left. Skiwgaar closed his eyes and played with lightning fast speed.
The band walked off stage in Madgeburg, Germany to thunderous applause. Their "We Can't Be Killed - We're DethKlok" concert had been a huge success. Nathan pulled out his recorder. "Note to self. Song title: Slaytanic Goregrinder. It's a song about a guy who grinds up corpses. In hell. And..." He turned off his recorder and thought for a moment. "He needs a raise."
Murderface nodded, "Underpaid hellion. That's brutal."
Pickles walked past them, a groupie under each arm. "Me and the ladies're gonna play Strip Strip. It's when you have to strip when someone else strips."
"Good game. It's the simplicity that intrigues me," Murderface commented, already pulling his shirt over his head. Nathan stomped into the Green Room, a look of determination on his face. And no pants on his legs.
Skwisgaar walked slowly and tuned 6 to drop D, listening intently. "No, is not my guitars that sound dildoes, is you, Toki, I know it."
Toki blanched. "I was rocking it, Skwisgaar!"
"Pfft, you are too tense. Your guitars are wrong because your heads is wrong. Come withs me."
Skwisgaar pointed randomly at three girls jumping behind the barrier in an attempt to get their attention. The security gaurds moved aside and let them enter the restricted area.
Toki looked confused. "I..."
Skwisgaar scrutinized the three ladies, picking out the older one that looked like his mother, Serveta, for himself. "You. Blonde hairs big tit. Go wait in the hot tub for me. Toki, I thinks you need the Black Hair. Black hair! Come withs us."
Charles stepped out of the shadows and held out clipboards for each of the girls to sign. "Your... standard paternity/maim/humiliation/pain waivers for groupies. Sign here. And here. Initial here. Aaaaaand here. And sign here. And here. And initial here. And a thumb print is needed there. Thank you."
The girl with black hair pulled her Dethklok half-tee over her head and stepped out of her plaid mini-skirt. "Leave the boots on." She did.
Toki felt a huge weight on his chest; it was hard to breathe. He was finally going to really make out! Maybe more! He realized his eyes were squeezed shut and opened them. The girl was sitting on his chest, straddling him on the sofa. That explained the weight. He grinned sweetly up at her.
She looked confused. "He's like, not ready. What am I doing wrong?"
Skwisgaar rolled his eyes. "Fuck, Toki. You can't do anythings right, cans you? It's like whens you can'ts harmonize on stage."
The girl brightened. "Oh, okay. There he goes. Oh, my god!"
Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow. "Reallys?" He laughed. "Toki you so stupids."
Toki grimaced and gripped the girl's hips. "You shut it, Skwisgaar!"
The girl shut her eyes. "Whoa!"
Toki wasn't paying attention to the girl peeling his tight jeans off. He was looking daggers at Skwisgaar, who just smirked and held out his hand. "Lubes."
Employee 327 held out a tube, then stepped back into the dark.
Toki was so intent on scowling at his band mate that he didn't realize he had thrust into the girl. Or that he was bucking his hips up, slapping his sharp hipbones against her meaty, toned thighs. Nor did he hear her groans of pleasure. He just wanted Skwisgaar to stop smirking at him like that, what did he know? Nothing, that's what!
"You don't-" he grunted, "knows everythings," he bit his lip and drove harder into her, "about me, Skwis-" He rested his head on the sofa back, bit his lip and shuddered, "-gaar."
Skwisgaar unbuckled his skull belt and slid his black jeans down. "Pfft. Always needings me to step ins and shows you hows to do it."
The girl cried out with pleasure when Skwisgaar pushed slowly into her ass while she still rode Toki.
"Skwisgaar, what are yous doing?"
"Is time for shuttings up." Skwisgaar pulled on Toki's legs so he half-hung off the sofa and pushed the girl forward so her breasts were in Toki's face. He straddled Toki's thighs. "Let me shows you whats to do so you dun screws dis up like everything else."
That just made Toki angrier. Which made him thrust harder. Which made the girl scream louder. Which evidently got Skwisgaar hotter because he wasn't making mean huffs and puffs or telling Toki how badly he mangled the last set on stage. And all of a sudden, Toki realized he was seriously making out with a chick! He was really putting it to her and... he could feel something else. He looked down his taut chest and saw the groupie raking her nails over his six-pack. But what really caught his attention were the fastest fingers in all the world digging into his hips. And... fingering the notes for the sixth bar of "Crush My Battle Opponent's Balls."
Skwisgaar was holding him still and letting the girl do all the work. It felt tighter and better when Skwisgaar had joined them. The girl held on to the sofa and slowed her movements. Skwisgaar rocked up slowly and pulled out. "You gots to... slide more."
Toki's mouth was frozen in an O. He didn't even notice the groupie anymore. Or his Dethphone digging into his shoulder blade. Or how Skwisgaard's long blond hair stood out against the Black Hair girl's tanned skin. Every single nerve-ending in his body was focused on the hard thing stroking his cock through the girl. He twisted his hips in a figure-eight trying to chase it and keep that feeling. His eyes shot open when he felt a hand cup his balls. He nodded his head along with the rhythm gently being squeezed into them.
"Toki, you gots to follow me," Skwisgaar pumped more forcefully into the girl to keep the connection with his rhythm guitarist, "ons the down beats."
Skwisgaar pulled out completely and grabbed the girl by the waist, tossing her aside. "Gah, most complicated prophylactic evers."
The groupie slid over on the couch to watch as Toki backed into the corner of the sofa. Skwisgaar knelt between Toki's legs and took both cocks in his hand. He pumped his fist over them both loosely and tapped Toki on the chest with his finger. "Pays attention. I shows you hows important practicing is."
"Oh, wowwie." Toki bit his lip and watched as Skwisgaar jacked them both off to a complicated 7/4 time. He felt an incredible pressure building below. His eyes were clouding over. Skwisgaar moved in closely and lightly traced his lips over Toki's. "I been tellings you yous needs more practice." He licked along the underside of Toki's full bottom lip. "Now do you believes me?"
Toki tried to nod but nothing in his body seemed to be working except for his cock. Skwisgaar threw his head back, parted his lips, and closed his eyes. Toki grunted as he orgasmed onto his chest along with Skwisgaar. Skwisgaar breathed sharply through his nose once as he climaxed, then leaned forward again and gently bit Toki's lip.
"That was, like, awesome. But next time, I need to be in there more."
Toki had forgotten about Black Haired girl. Skwisgaar stood, kissed her passionately on the lips and shoved her out the door. "Ja, time for yous to go. We have rehearsings to dos. Have a nice days!"
She was shoved out of the room with an armful of Dethklok swag, her protests falling on deaf ears.
"Okays, now I teaches you the arts of the slow intros." Toki thought Skwisgaar had a look much like those the yard wolves had before devouring an intruder. Or maybe a Valkyrie on the road to Valhalla.
Later, when he examined the bite mark on his inner thigh he decided it had been exactly like the look on the yard wolves' faces.
lml -_- lml