Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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When life gives you lemons, read bad!fic!

First off, happiest of birthdays to my Susi Q! beadattitude is year older, and I hope that your day is lovely, that Jeff takes care of weirdness that crops up with the remodel, that you have delicious sweet tea just like back home, and a nap with the kitties. :)

Second of all, big thanks to those that offered commiseration yesterday. Gah. I spent the day outside in the garden and reading entrenous88's latest fic "Safer" which is a MUST READ for those who like dark fic with bad cops and young boys. *bites knuckle* Seriously, Entre is a master at both the hotness and descriptions that put you right there with the characters. Fantastic.

But let's face it, you're here for the bad!fic. I would like to throw out that I found dark fic for the Home Improvement fandom (who knew?) that has had me crying with laughter. Because... TIM TAYLOR. A drunk, abusive, his kids on drugs and cutting themselves while working at hot-topic [sic]. And getting girls pregnant with their second babies (?!?!) at the age of 16. Did I mention the alcoholism and drug abuse? And how during all the emo woe, Wilson is walking around with a pot to obscure the bottom part of his face? Ahahaha! This is in, like, four fics in that fandom. Oh, people. Never stop making me laugh.

In the "We Shouldn't Use Our Chemistry Homework To Create Names For Our Characters" Category:
Jadeite and Malachite.

Names I would like to see in the sequel:
Ironite, Molybdenumite, Dynamite (She's the loose cannon) Chlorite (a salty wench) and Sulfite (Sulfite is such a stinker. He's the "Pig Pen" of the gang)

Ah, nothing like chemistry jokes. Unless it's the "I Don't Think Bodies Work Like That" Category:

  • She was a vision. She looked urethral, like a young goddess. I'd like to see her and Sulfite hook up. What with how he stands erectal, they'd be stunning.

  • A string of harsh coughs bursts from his chest surprising him. I'd say so! It surprised Kane when an alien draped in spaghetti burst from his chest, too.

  • There was a strange presser she felt building within her body. This is one of those fill-in-the-blank comments you get to make! Interactive bad!fic is all the rage, dontcha know. (I'm imagining someone leaning against an elevator button inside her with an erector set under his arm)

How about some "Phun With Spelin g Gives It A New Meaning" Category?

  • She was standing at the edge of some precipitate

  • She clutched it to her chest for a minuet (Unfortunately, it only knew how to Foxtrot)

  • When he fist entered the forest (No walk to the door and goodnight kiss after that? For god's sake, did he even use lube?)

  • In the throw of passion (I keep envisioning Ben Stiller in "There's Something About Mary" when the dog comes at him and he ducks, tosses the dog out the window and pops back up all confused." But during sex instead of a dog attack. Hahaha.)

  • barley knew each other (Yeast of all enough to hops into bed. Thank you. I'll be here all week.)

  • What dose being a witch mean? (This is one of those Zen question. What dose indeed? *pulls out remedies chart*)

Ah, Romance. I'd forgotten you.

  • He wanted to call out her name, but he couldn't recall what it was.
  • (Ahahahaha.)
  • fear-wet cunt (WOW.)

  • after climaxing, the heroine of one tale goes off to do laundry, like immediately. And she's all happy. Ah, hanging sheets out while he slumbers...

  • he sank the full length of his hard, thick inches into her cunt and burst through her cervix (Oh, we were told earlier that he was two and a half inches "thick". It's the dedication to detail I appreciate.)

  • she screeched her pleasure as fear and fullness mixed for a literally mind-blowing experience. O_O That's... that's messy.

Now's your chance to scroll!!! ZOMBIE BUKKAKE.

What on EARTH, people. What!? I'm not even going to GO into the maggots and where they were. GAH. But I will share this:

Their semen shot in the air like a hose ... all of their streams of goo met about thirty feet in the air ... where they blended together swirling in the air like a cloud.

Dammit, fic writer! Egon Spengler said DON'T cross the streams!! "Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light." "Total protonic reversal." "Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon."

GOO? Clearly that was written by a 13 year old. Either literal 13 year old, or mental 13 year old.
Tags: bad!(great)fic, recs
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