Second (new) Standard Disclaimer: Do not reply with "I keep thinking I'm going to find my fic here." Because if you really think you're on par with the following, you should FIX YOUR STORY.
I do the work of finding this crap so you don't have to. It's an important public service I'm happy to provide...
First off let me state plainly for the record that I do not like the use of "juices" or "fluids" in a story. Unless a) the characters are referring to orange or apple or b) it's a hospital scene and vitals are being checked. Say what they are, people. Now that we've gotten that out of the way... Let me say that I may have found the WORST FICS EVER WRITTEN. And please remember that I found a Thundercats fic where a mummy appears with a triangle pill dispenser for a penis that cascades Viagra while the mummy shimmies and cries out "Viagra, Muchachas!" That's... that's going to be hard to beat. *cracks knuckles*
In the DO NOT WANT YOUR BABELFISH TALE Category:
Jasmine/Rajah Porn *weeps*
"She slowly lowered her crumpet to his gender and kissed the tip of it gently. It tasted odd, a infinitesimal athletic but also pleasant, like wrapped fig leaves dipped in peppers. She opened her lips and took it in, tasting it championing the chief stretch. Rajah growled loudly in thanks. " That is one lonely Princess. CRUMPET. Crumpet! I ask you. *hands* FIG LEAVES DIPPED IN PEPPERS? Spicy cock? Is that a jab at Indian food or something?
And: "Rajah erupted with a roar, a bulky ivory branch of ichor nearly spraying outside across his tummy.... "Mrrrrrii,""mrrrrrii," he replied softly." A BULKY IVORY BRANCH OF ICHOR. I think we have a front-line competitor for "contrails of semen in the sky" and "spooged in a rooster tail of delight." Also, I made up those last two to be funny and ... they weren't trying to be funny. *watches the baby Jesus cry* TUMMY. That word does not belong in porn, people.
I'll just blockquote the remainder - I've seriously just c&p'd the lines. Are we incapable of capitalizing, people? If you can hit the shift key for a quotation mark, you can hit it for a Proper Noun, dammit!
Her hands worked faster, but rajah had a different conception. The perfume of her gender attracted his nose, and he nudged her fingers outside of the means as she caressed herself. "Rajah?"rajah? what are you doing?" as an answer, rajah's speech struck in and slid along the magnitude of her gender. Jasmine gasped softly. "Rajah!""rajah!" a squeezable growl grew in his throat, a squeezable purring sound as he pressed his noggin between her legs, licking at her gender. "Yes,""yes," she moaned softly. "Oh,"oh, rajah, please!" she begged as the ordinary arise in happiness swept through her like a summer sandstorm.
OKAY THEN. First, GAH. Second, "magnitude of her GENDER?" Honey, we don't want cavernous va-jay-jays. Tight tight tight is what's wanted. MAGNITUDE? And no one thinks sandstorms are happy, so that metaphor is right out. "Rajah had a different conception." Well, *whispers* was he going for the butt? Because... because you can't conceive that way. It's like the horsefucker story, but somehow WORSE. And lastly: N-o-g-g-i-n, Noggin! (parents of toddlers are laughing and cringing right now)
In the Personification of Body Parts Category:
Her hands were bitter as she leaned against the painted stone railing.
Maybe Jasmine was pinching the hands unnecessarily? I'd be bitter if I were them, too.
In the Most Lucid Realization of The Author's Own Limitations Category:
"I'm"i'm talking gibberish. Of ambit i don't desire either of them wager."
*holds lighter* That is practically zen, right there. Writers! READ YOUR FIC OUT LOUD BEFORE POSTING. Wow.
In the When Did This Become A Necrophiliac Fic Category:
Jasmine lay in bed, tiresome to remember the note of her dear ali's corpse next to her own, his warming gust and his even derma sliding against hers.
It's soooo tiresome remembering lover's dead bodies next to yours, GOD. EVEN derma? Is there UN-even derma? DERMA?
In the Worst. First time. Ever. Category:
he had smiled and they had made warmth as geezer and bride should. The happiness she had felt at their joining had caused her to bawl afterwards championing a long period. And he had been so worried!
Geezer and Bride!! Now I KNOW this was babelfished from another language. WOW. And what geezer WOULDN'T worry when his bride bawls and champions a long period after sex?
In the No Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK Category:
- The needs of her remains were a dwarf quieter now Juuuuust a midget. Was that a cousin of the Seven Dwarfs from, perhaps, Mexico? "Silencio?" (Word to the wise, he's a better house guest than his older brother, Screamy.)
- Literally draw nigh down here interior and unify me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have a winner of the "endorsed her cervix" contest!
- gender and thighs and legs <-- the last sentence of this story. All disembodied and several spaces down. Om.
In the Professional Writers Usually Screw Up Erotica Category:
- Connor began to pant at the growing sensation, like he was coaching a first time mother through childbirth. Yes, panting during your first "standard anal experience" is a lot like standing next to a woman giving birth to eight pounds of skull. WHAT.
- another burning blast of cum washed over Connors insides. First off, is there no respect for the apostrophe any more? The author has NONE in the whole story. Also, CUM = ew. Come, people. This isn't a Prince lyric. (But:
Yeah.) Laura Baumbach is the author - Out There In The Night, a FURRY/Skinwalker porn, aw yeah. o_0
From the alert eyes at Fandom_Wank, When Kindergarteners Write Fanfic - and they shouldn't. They really really shouldn't:
jack:kisses down his neck moving his hand into his pants and over his ass, starts to circle around his hole the slowly inserts one of his fingers.
Ianto: winces "JACK WHAT HAPPEND TO THE LUBE "
Jack:"maybe if you signed that contract we'd have some now wouldn't we "stops until Ianto gets used to it, then starts to thrust in gently.
Ianto: moans gently
I ASK YOU.
And the continuing Why 13 Year Old Boys/Girls Shouldn't Write Porn Category:
While a guy rapes his best friend, all while calling his penis his "dolly" and telling him (it's slash) how good he tastes while being "milked," the rape-ee sobs, "Are you a liar AND a rapist?!" I like how the emphasis on his shock is for the friend being a RAPIST. Liar he can believe. WHILE HE'S BEING RAPED. But raping? NUH UH. No, sir. That can't be possible. As... as it's happening.
More fun: Kaito impaled Kutomi entirely on his cock until ass met balls. and "kaito, I knew you had morning wood, but get it away from me! Didn't I suffer enough last night at the mercy of your monster cock?!" Monster Cock! MechaCock! *obligatory Japanese woman clutching purse high and screaming* Ayiiee!
It has the following exchange as the afterglow: "I'm never letting you go... Now that we no longer have school to worry about, I can just keep you here and love you and feed you...<3 You'll be like my in-bed wife!<3"
I couldn't stop myself from saying "Chinpokomon, ahhh?" after seeing the emoticons. IN THE FIC. People: emoticons do not belong in fic, unless you are writing a text message. Or... just don't add them in. Or add "OMG" for Pete's sake.
Kids these days with their utter nonsense. *shakes cane*
The I Really Need Help Understanding What the Bloody FUCK Is Wrong With People Category, AKA Cocks That EAT PEOPLE Category:
I rub the hard viened surface of the huge member and feel the head as it swells and I start to hear . . sllluck! . . .slluck! . ..slluck! Your thick penis bulges out as I hear and feel my lower body being swallowed by it. Each time I hear the wet meaty sucking sound I feel more of its wet slimy interior coming over my lower legs. I look down the huge hard shaft at the two monstrous sized testicles now emptied of their latest load of semen and know that Firemane's penis will suck me down into them to become part of them.
DO NOT WANT!!!! Slluck?! SLIMY!? *cries bitterly* But wait, there's more. APPARENTLY THIS IS A NEW TREND.
Firemane "In a manner of speaking . . just relax." * Nickers and his response is to pull back and rub his seed all over you warm and copious amounts and as you watch he seems so much bigger and so much cum! Your body tingles all over and his still hard shaft is at your feet and as you watch the plunger shaped head open up. The opening dripping semen on your feet and then like a hot toothless maw it gulps in your feet as I nickerin pleasure*
HELP ME. Help me understand. Or better yet, mindwipe me, please. NICKERIN PLEASURE? What. Oh, don't run off crying, there's EVEN MORE.
With his urethra pressed tight against my face, I can't understand how it is I can breathe, or that I'm still relatively cool. Not that it matters. Once my head has passed through the base of his penis, it suddenly begins to feel like I'm being pulled upwards. Strangely, I suddenly remember some of the anatomy I did at school.
NO YOU DON'T. No you do NOT remember anatomy, the evidence is the three sentences prior to your last one!! LIAR. AND a rapist? Hahaha.
I would like a silent thank you for sparing you the story of a cum-soaked carpet belonging to a Nine Foot FOX that has a "hungry cock" that eats some dude. THE COCK. The COCK eats the guy, not the FOX. Someone had nightmares about the Gingerbread Man when they were children, methinks. "Can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbre- AUGH THE FOX PENIS IS EATING ME!" *chomp-cum*