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DO not want. Except for how I love this shit. Don't act like you don't, either! Standard Disclaimer Made Every Fifth Post or So: This is not about pointing and laughing at a person. This is about pointing and laughing at what good intentioned people do to the English (or other) language. Words are funny, people. And so are chimpanzees when they walk with their hands high overhead, actually.

Second (new) Standard Disclaimer: Do not reply with "I keep thinking I'm going to find my fic here." Because if you really think you're on par with the following, you should FIX YOUR STORY.

I do the work of finding this crap so you don't have to. It's an important public service I'm happy to provide...

First off let me state plainly for the record that I do not like the use of "juices" or "fluids" in a story. Unless a) the characters are referring to orange or apple or b) it's a hospital scene and vitals are being checked. Say what they are, people. Now that we've gotten that out of the way... Let me say that I may have found the WORST FICS EVER WRITTEN. And please remember that I found a Thundercats fic where a mummy appears with a triangle pill dispenser for a penis that cascades Viagra while the mummy shimmies and cries out "Viagra, Muchachas!" That's... that's going to be hard to beat. *cracks knuckles*

Jasmine/Rajah Porn *weeps*

"She slowly lowered her crumpet to his gender and kissed the tip of it gently. It tasted odd, a infinitesimal athletic but also pleasant, like wrapped fig leaves dipped in peppers. She opened her lips and took it in, tasting it championing the chief stretch. Rajah growled loudly in thanks. " That is one lonely Princess. CRUMPET. Crumpet! I ask you. *hands* FIG LEAVES DIPPED IN PEPPERS? Spicy cock? Is that a jab at Indian food or something?

And: "Rajah erupted with a roar, a bulky ivory branch of ichor nearly spraying outside across his tummy.... "Mrrrrrii,""mrrrrrii," he replied softly." A BULKY IVORY BRANCH OF ICHOR. I think we have a front-line competitor for "contrails of semen in the sky" and "spooged in a rooster tail of delight." Also, I made up those last two to be funny and ... they weren't trying to be funny. *watches the baby Jesus cry* TUMMY. That word does not belong in porn, people.

I'll just blockquote the remainder - I've seriously just c&p'd the lines. Are we incapable of capitalizing, people? If you can hit the shift key for a quotation mark, you can hit it for a Proper Noun, dammit!

Her hands worked faster, but rajah had a different conception. The perfume of her gender attracted his nose, and he nudged her fingers outside of the means as she caressed herself. "Rajah?"rajah? what are you doing?" as an answer, rajah's speech struck in and slid along the magnitude of her gender. Jasmine gasped softly. "Rajah!""rajah!" a squeezable growl grew in his throat, a squeezable purring sound as he pressed his noggin between her legs, licking at her gender. "Yes,""yes," she moaned softly. "Oh,"oh, rajah, please!" she begged as the ordinary arise in happiness swept through her like a summer sandstorm.

OKAY THEN. First, GAH. Second, "magnitude of her GENDER?" Honey, we don't want cavernous va-jay-jays. Tight tight tight is what's wanted. MAGNITUDE? And no one thinks sandstorms are happy, so that metaphor is right out. "Rajah had a different conception." Well, *whispers* was he going for the butt? Because... because you can't conceive that way. It's like the horsefucker story, but somehow WORSE. And lastly: N-o-g-g-i-n, Noggin! (parents of toddlers are laughing and cringing right now)

In the Personification of Body Parts Category:
Her hands were bitter as she leaned against the painted stone railing.

Maybe Jasmine was pinching the hands unnecessarily? I'd be bitter if I were them, too.

In the Most Lucid Realization of The Author's Own Limitations Category:
"I'm"i'm talking gibberish. Of ambit i don't desire either of them wager."

*holds lighter* That is practically zen, right there. Writers! READ YOUR FIC OUT LOUD BEFORE POSTING. Wow.

In the When Did This Become A Necrophiliac Fic Category:
Jasmine lay in bed, tiresome to remember the note of her dear ali's corpse next to her own, his warming gust and his even derma sliding against hers.

It's soooo tiresome remembering lover's dead bodies next to yours, GOD. EVEN derma? Is there UN-even derma? DERMA?

In the Worst. First time. Ever. Category:
he had smiled and they had made warmth as geezer and bride should. The happiness she had felt at their joining had caused her to bawl afterwards championing a long period. And he had been so worried!

Geezer and Bride!! Now I KNOW this was babelfished from another language. WOW. And what geezer WOULDN'T worry when his bride bawls and champions a long period after sex?

In the No Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK Category:

  • The needs of her remains were a dwarf quieter now Juuuuust a midget. Was that a cousin of the Seven Dwarfs from, perhaps, Mexico? "Silencio?" (Word to the wise, he's a better house guest than his older brother, Screamy.)

  • Literally draw nigh down here interior and unify me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have a winner of the "endorsed her cervix" contest!

  • gender and thighs and legs <-- the last sentence of this story. All disembodied and several spaces down. Om.

In the Professional Writers Usually Screw Up Erotica Category:

  • Connor began to pant at the growing sensation, like he was coaching a first time mother through childbirth. Yes, panting during your first "standard anal experience" is a lot like standing next to a woman giving birth to eight pounds of skull. WHAT.

  • another burning blast of cum washed over Connors insides. First off, is there no respect for the apostrophe any more? The author has NONE in the whole story. Also, CUM = ew. Come, people. This isn't a Prince lyric. (But:
    I would
    die 4
    Yeah.) Laura Baumbach is the author - Out There In The Night, a FURRY/Skinwalker porn, aw yeah. o_0

From the alert eyes at Fandom_Wank, When Kindergarteners Write Fanfic - and they shouldn't. They really really shouldn't:

jack:kisses down his neck moving his hand into his pants and over his ass, starts to circle around his hole the slowly inserts one of his fingers.
Jack:"maybe if you signed that contract we'd have some now wouldn't we "stops until Ianto gets used to it, then starts to thrust in gently.
Ianto: moans gently


And the continuing Why 13 Year Old Boys/Girls Shouldn't Write Porn Category:

While a guy rapes his best friend, all while calling his penis his "dolly" and telling him (it's slash) how good he tastes while being "milked," the rape-ee sobs, "Are you a liar AND a rapist?!" I like how the emphasis on his shock is for the friend being a RAPIST. Liar he can believe. WHILE HE'S BEING RAPED. But raping? NUH UH. No, sir. That can't be possible. As... as it's happening.

More fun: Kaito impaled Kutomi entirely on his cock until ass met balls. and "kaito, I knew you had morning wood, but get it away from me! Didn't I suffer enough last night at the mercy of your monster cock?!" Monster Cock! MechaCock! *obligatory Japanese woman clutching purse high and screaming* Ayiiee!

It has the following exchange as the afterglow: "I'm never letting you go... Now that we no longer have school to worry about, I can just keep you here and love you and feed you...<3 You'll be like my in-bed wife!<3"

I couldn't stop myself from saying "Chinpokomon, ahhh?" after seeing the emoticons. IN THE FIC. People: emoticons do not belong in fic, unless you are writing a text message. Or... just don't add them in. Or add "OMG" for Pete's sake.

Kids these days with their utter nonsense. *shakes cane*

The I Really Need Help Understanding What the Bloody FUCK Is Wrong With People Category, AKA Cocks That EAT PEOPLE Category:

I rub the hard viened surface of the huge member and feel the head as it swells and I start to hear . . sllluck! . . .slluck! . ..slluck! Your thick penis bulges out as I hear and feel my lower body being swallowed by it. Each time I hear the wet meaty sucking sound I feel more of its wet slimy interior coming over my lower legs. I look down the huge hard shaft at the two monstrous sized testicles now emptied of their latest load of semen and know that Firemane's penis will suck me down into them to become part of them.

DO NOT WANT!!!! Slluck?! SLIMY!? *cries bitterly* But wait, there's more. APPARENTLY THIS IS A NEW TREND.

Firemane "In a manner of speaking . . just relax." * Nickers and his response is to pull back and rub his seed all over you warm and copious amounts and as you watch he seems so much bigger and so much cum! Your body tingles all over and his still hard shaft is at your feet and as you watch the plunger shaped head open up. The opening dripping semen on your feet and then like a hot toothless maw it gulps in your feet as I nickerin pleasure*

HELP ME. Help me understand. Or better yet, mindwipe me, please. NICKERIN PLEASURE? What. Oh, don't run off crying, there's EVEN MORE.

With his urethra pressed tight against my face, I can't understand how it is I can breathe, or that I'm still relatively cool. Not that it matters. Once my head has passed through the base of his penis, it suddenly begins to feel like I'm being pulled upwards. Strangely, I suddenly remember some of the anatomy I did at school.

NO YOU DON'T. No you do NOT remember anatomy, the evidence is the three sentences prior to your last one!! LIAR. AND a rapist? Hahaha.

I would like a silent thank you for sparing you the story of a cum-soaked carpet belonging to a Nine Foot FOX that has a "hungry cock" that eats some dude. THE COCK. The COCK eats the guy, not the FOX. Someone had nightmares about the Gingerbread Man when they were children, methinks. "Can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbre- AUGH THE FOX PENIS IS EATING ME!" *chomp-cum*



( 109 comments — Leave a comment )
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May. 8th, 2007 04:33 pm (UTC)
Ouch. Where's the brain bleach when I really, really need it?

May. 8th, 2007 04:37 pm (UTC)
YOU SUCK IT UP, OR IT WILL SUCK YOU UP. That makes as much sense as the fic.

I would seriously love to see a growing trend in fics where some disembodied line floats along the bottom, making no sense.

*&*legs and hair and cheese Whiz*&*
... - wolfshark - May. 8th, 2007 04:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 8th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC)
the story of the Nine Foot FOX that has a "hungry cock" and a cum-soaked carpet that eats some dude

I thought the CARPET ate the dude. *cries* Stoney. Why do you do this to us? Why did I read all of those?
May. 8th, 2007 04:54 pm (UTC)
THE BAD!FIC SEEPED IN. I will correct the sentence.

You read it because it's HORRIBLE and we cannot help ourselves. Also, it makes us feel better about ourselves. GAH. WHAT ON EARTH, SWP?!
May. 8th, 2007 04:57 pm (UTC)
The really sad bit is that the first can at least blame babelfish... or, OK, his/her stupidity in believing that babelfishing a story will actually result in a translated story... but one keeps finding stories like these that are written by people writing in their own language.

Still doesn't beat the one you had about the couple who didn't realize they had severed their aortas, though.

Or as http://www.tashian.com/multibabel puts it:

The really sad bit is that one in the first place that knows babelfish... or, colpe CORRECTED, relative of the stupidity to little, to think, that the Babelfishing really has a history like history of consequence one to translate..., but one arrests the history of the summary like those, this one they are written of the writing of the people inside of her joust of the language. Still this nonbat, the one that you had in the connections, of that one did not determine nevertheless that she had divided her Aorten.

Now I feel like writing a whole fic through babelfish. Hitchhiker's Guide Zaphod's right head/Zaphod's left head slash.
May. 8th, 2007 05:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the guy bleeding to death on his first time was a FABULOUS fic.

Ahahaha, you should TOTALLY write that slash, hahaha! That's hilarious. Then run it through a RUssian translator, then Portuguese, then English. :D
... - stoney321 - May. 8th, 2007 05:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
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... - camkin - May. 8th, 2007 06:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
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May. 8th, 2007 05:01 pm (UTC)
fig leaves dipped in peppers When any bodypart has a burn to it, it's best to stop proceedings and head over to the clinic.

"Mrrrrrii,""mrrrrrii," he replied softly. That sounds like someone's misusing a vacuum cleaner.

You'll be like my in-bed wife! Later today I'll introduce you to the in-the-kitchen wife, the living-room wife and the tied-to-a-pipe-in-the-basement wife.

I've had five more quotes, but the comment to each was EEEEWWWW!!!! and I didn't want you to think I was inarticulate. :D
May. 8th, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
AHAHAHAHA!!! Oh my goodness, I TOTALLY need a tied-to-a-pipe-in-the-basement wife! Or a washes-the-dishes-so-I-don't-have-to wife! *orders one asap*
... - pernickety - May. 8th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 8th, 2007 05:03 pm (UTC)

Some of that even beats the slimy alien invaders story.

May. 8th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! TOOTHLESS MOUTH GUMMING HER NIPPLES!! DO NOT WANT, INDEED!! (Although, I love the use of the phrase, "he took what was rightfully his." I imagine some deed of ownership, which is SEW romantic.)

SEX SAUCE. Oh my god, this is my most favorite link ever.

... - elfgirl - May. 8th, 2007 05:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 8th, 2007 05:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - darlas_mom - May. 8th, 2007 06:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 8th, 2007 05:09 pm (UTC)
I...suddenly feel much better about my writing attempts. I mean, at least I can pretend to know what grammar is.

Meanwhile...Rajah??? With Jasmine??!!!! And to think, when we were singing A Whole New World at our high school graduation, someone was out there thinking this shit up.
May. 8th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)

RAJAH!! Suckling Jasmine! No. And now I'm thinking bad things when I sing, "I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride"

And we never found out if Jasmine's carpet matched the drapes...
... - luvxander - May. 8th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
May. 8th, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!! Tummy? TUMMY?! You're (general you) writing Jasmine and her PET and you can't write belly or stomach?! My stars.

The world is FILLED with weirdos, I'm thinking. (I just emailed you, btw!)
May. 8th, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
Once my head has passed through the base of his penis
Whaaaaaaaaaaa? *is speechless*

Thanks for the chuckle (and the horror) though. Although I have to work out how to do a mindwipe. The PAIN!
May. 8th, 2007 05:26 pm (UTC)

I don't understand most people. I really really don't.
May. 8th, 2007 05:24 pm (UTC)
Wait, WOT?!? In that last example, someone is swallowed by a penis?!? I don't. . . I can't. . . I mean. . . *throws hands up uselessly*
May. 8th, 2007 05:27 pm (UTC)
YES. It's a new genre being called COCKVORE.

I -

I am making a multiplicity of faces right now, none of them good.
May. 8th, 2007 05:30 pm (UTC)
I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That wouldn't be a problem except I'm at work and my boss is likely to walk in. This could be difficult to explain.

Seriously though. Who writes this stuff? And HOW?
May. 8th, 2007 05:35 pm (UTC)
I DON'T KNOW!! I don't know who or how or more importantly WHY. I only know that I love it like a CHILD. A child that wets themselves and picks their nose in public.

Whoo boy. There have been some lulus lately.
May. 8th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
Oh my god WHY?? Okay, and, that first one? Totally read like at parts like a segment from an instruction book written in the Engrish (because there's nothing like achieving VICTOLY).
May. 8th, 2007 09:51 pm (UTC)
Ahahahaha, how I love Engrish. (I'm roneree! I'm so roneree!)

I just shook my head the whole time I read that first one. Mind boggling, isn't it?! And it was on a porn site as a "featured fic!" Whoops, I'm giving away my secrets... :D
... - demonqueen666 - May. 9th, 2007 12:17 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - May. 9th, 2007 12:28 am (UTC) - Expand
May. 8th, 2007 06:12 pm (UTC)
I...I... ::makes a strangled noise::

You've now hit the nail on the head as to why I don't read unrecommended fic anymore, unless it's by someone I know. Reading fic that no one with trustworthy taste has endorsed is like being offered candy by a stranger, Stoney! DON'T GET IN THE VAN!

Stepping away from bad metaphors and ignoring the voice in my head that is screaming the words "rape of my childhood," you are made of SO MUCH AWESOME.
May. 8th, 2007 06:15 pm (UTC)
I LOVE THE VAN! It doesn't have windows and the man driving it is wearing a trench coat and is holding a puppy or something underneath, because it's squirming! *licks lollipop*

Boy, I even have MORE in my "bad!fic folder" that's not even UP HERE. We should all feel very secure in our writing, is the lesson to take away.
... - darlas_mom - May. 8th, 2007 06:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
May. 8th, 2007 06:29 pm (UTC)
Stoney's badfic posts = Tayler pisses self
Every. Damn. Time.

Figuratively of course Hon...cuz literal is not my cup of tea.

Yup...another slice of Zen right there!

Thanks for making the ultimate sacrifice for shits and giggles Sweetie.
May. 8th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
*throws self on the sword of Damn, Oaklies!*
*waits for the whipper-snappers to get it*

Ahahahaha, I love that icon you made. HEEEEEE!
May. 8th, 2007 06:31 pm (UTC)
omg! I instantly feel ten times better about myself.

Except...why don't I have a giant man eating cock around here? *mock sniffs* Man bad!fic isn't done properly until someone brings out the tiger and necrophilia.
May. 8th, 2007 06:33 pm (UTC)
All that's missing is some bad food analogies/metaphors and it would have been a bad!fic TRIFECTA!!
May. 8th, 2007 06:38 pm (UTC)
not only is the bad!fic with your comments a hoot,
but the comments from everyone else are a total bonus.
gives me much to giggle about on this blah day.

off topic - did you ever live in Maryland?
May. 8th, 2007 06:46 pm (UTC)
You can click on the "entry tag: bad!fic" to read any of the other twenty-some-odd posts of this nature, if you stomach can handle it. :D

And nope, never did!
... - camkin - May. 10th, 2007 07:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
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( 109 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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