Fandom: Little Britain/Catherine Tate Show crossover (PG-13)
Summary: Vicky Pollard and Lauren Cooper. Chav Death Match. Two will enter the cage, but only one can win. But look at my face, am I bovvered?
A/N: If you don't know who either of these characters are, please catch up with the times. You'll thank me later. (YouTube has loads of clips.) Also, massive thanks to gingerpig for Britpicking this for me. All mistakes are mine, feel free to pipe up if you find a mistake, but you are well bad if you call me out, oh my god. (Hahaha, I love feedback in all forms. Gimmie!)
Speed-Chav Face Off
It was a Friday, which meant skiving off school. Two girls from Tunbridge Wells School in Bristol were at this moment being thrown off a bus for failing to have tickets to get to Darkley Noone. They appeared to fight about this for a moment, then they split up, one going into a shop to buy a packet of fags, the other standing on the corner trying to fit in. The girl on the corner was named Lauren Cooper. She had wrapped her school sweater over one shoulder, tying it tightly under her chest to make her breasts appear larger. Her hair was pulled back into a severe ponytail, a "Croydon facelift," with two gelled tendrils hanging down in front. She did not, in fact, look bothered.
A mother pushing a pram walked by, looking the surly schoolgirl up and down before clucking her tongue.
Lauren shifted her weight from one foot to the next, leaning in closer to the woman as she passed. She threw her hands up in a defensive move. "What you lookin' at, though? Dressin' like me Gran with your stockings and flower sack and summat, take the shame."
The older woman huffed. "Shouldn't you be in school? What are you doing out here? Getting into trouble are you?"
Lauren sucked her teeth. "Are you calling me a pikey?"
"Are you saying I'm a pikey and my mum's a whore?"
"I most certainly did n--"
"Did you just say me mum's a whore and me dad's a wino? Because he's not."
"I never said anything of the s--"
"I'm not a pikey, and me dad's not a wino, and you are well out of order."
The woman hustled along her way to the point that a casual observer would call it a trot.
Approaching from the south corner was a young... lady dressed in a pink track suit, her bleached-blonde hair in a high pony tail. She was Vicky Pollard, and she was also puffing on a fag and pushing a triple pram with three babies dressed in identical pink track suits. She looked out of sorts, but that was generally how Vicky looked. Her mobile phone began to ring, a Musak version of Chamillionaire's latest.
"What are you doin' calling me now you bitch when you know I've got to get to my meeting with my social worker and--" Vicky barked a laugh out. "I'm just pullin ya, I'm off to see if I can score a sixer or somefing for the party later on and me mum was all harassing me about gettin' her a Red Bull and I was like--"
Vicky, intent on her phone conversation, had driven over Lauren's foot with the outside wheel of her pram and Lauren had kicked out and shifted the contraption. The babies had bottles full of gin and formula, so they hadn't noticed anything. Vicky's mouth fell open. "I'm going to have to call you back Pam because some minging slag just jumped out and attacked me trying to steal me purse or gay me up or somefing."
She clicked her mobile phone slowly, eyes on the other girl. "Ooooh my god you did not just try and rape me and give my babies evils."
Lauren rolled her head and crossed her arms, "Why don't you watch where you're going, you numpty cow?"
Vicky gasped. "Oh my god. You are well out of order. You don' know nuffin about nuffin. You ain't got no rings or nuffin, remind me of that slag Kelly 'oo gave a blowy to Kevin behind Warren's Council flat for a sip off his For'y ounce and Kevin didn' even like her much so he just phlegmed in her mouth cos she's all a virgin, right, so she could be seen spittin' but he didn' want none of her phlegm on him so she goes back in and licks the mouf on all the beer bottles in Warren's house and I was all 'OH MY GOD you are well sick' and I got my kids and my dime bag and we left. Well, not all of my kids because I traded two of them for the dime bag, didn't I?"
"I'M GETTING THERE!" Vicky shrieked. "God, I was just about to tell you there if you had just waited! Anyway, I traded two of them so's I could get a bag off're Tony who's well fit, innit, but he rides the pole so 'im and Charles took baby Felicia Monique Beyonce and Tyrelle Seal Diddy and we all went up to the skating rink to meet Chelsea, 'cept she didn't never show up cos she got her foot run over ghost riding her Nova which is fine because I can't stand that slaggy whorebag no way because she hooked up with Ryan and everyone knows that me and Ryan are like Posh and Becks for the common man and that was well out of order for her to even fink she could come out and hang and she's a giant lesbo anyway and I know this because one time I was at Bristol Blue Swim with Michaela and Johnny changing into my suit and she was fully starin' at my down under because she's a skeevy li'l twat, right?"
" 'Scuse me, but did you say Ryan?"
"Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah, see, me and Ryan COMPLETELY fell in love after he hooked up with me this summer at a party at Michelle's but really we just juked but it was full on with him slippin' in and all and the crowd was well into it because I'm well fit but anyway we were totally going to get married or get a flat together and share smokes and everyfing and then Chelsea was all with her slag ways and evils and gave him a hand-job behind McDonalds in Avonmouth and she was well out of order for doin that and if she don't watch it I'll cut her."
"No, but did you mean Ryan Perkins?"
"Yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah--"
"I'm just arsking you a question."
"I said I'm just arsking you a question. Is it Ryan Perkins or ain't it?"
"Yeah but no but yeah but wait. Ryan Perkins? Yeah, what of it, bitch?"
"Is it?" Lauren went completely still. All emotion left her face and she paused for a moment, then made a derisive noise with her tongue. "Tchuh. It's nuffin, because you don't even know nuffin about summat."
Vicky held her hand out, palm to Lauren. "I know that he likes a swirly on his knob after I eat up a honey bun so me mouf's all sticky wif sugar."
"That was well shameful, but I ain't bovvered, but you should be well shamed because you're all numpty lookin' in your gear."
"OOOH MY GOD you did not just say that to me you ain't even got no right sayin' such a thing and who are you, you minging li'l twat you ain't got no kids er no council flat and you're well on in age probably seventeen or somefing and anyways I'm only sixteen and am well on in life and if you don't watch yourself I'll call up Nika and Robin and they'll come straight away and film me kicking your arse and put it up on the web for a smart coin and you don't have any skills at all, bet you don't have no ASBOS and you can't even Freestyle."
"But I can though."
"But I can though."
"I said shut up!" Vicky's face contorted with disgust. She completely forgot about her pram behind her, slowly wheeling itself down the street towards the traffic. The girls started talking a tight staccato over one another.
Lauren crossed her arms and pointed at her own chin. "I'm sorry, see my face?"
"No you did not just-"
"See my face? I'm not bovvered."
"Am I bovvered?"
"Am I bovvered?"
"But I ain't even bovvered."
"I'm not bovvered, though."
"I'm all Sienna with Jude."
"And I'm not even bovver-"
Vicky reached out and seized Lauren's nipple with deadly accuracy and gave it a vicious twist. Lauren, sucking in her breath, clutched at her chest and curled into herself.
"Bet you're bothered now, cunt."
Vicky pulled her mobile phone back out of her pocket and started back on her quest for booze. Meanwhile, the pushchair had turned the corner and bumped into a policeman's car.
"Pam? Right! Oooh my god this total bitch just tried to...."