Title: Five Times Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen Kissed When They Didn't Have To
Rating/Pairing R, You read the title, right?
Disclaimer: This most likely didn't happen. Maybe. (Video of them actually kissing.) Well, the jury is still out. Any semblance to real people or events means I did a super awesome job here. But this is all made up. Possibly. (another video of them kissing)
A/N: Thanks to gillo and savoytruffle for the French, all other mistakes are mine. And feel free to leave comments. Or rec. Or send me brownies. I'm easy. Apologies to Franzia "wine" makers. But come on. It's wine in a box, people.
Five Times Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen Kissed When They Didn't Have To
The first time they kissed was actually not for a scene rehearsal as Sacha had indicated in an interview. Adam McKay, the director, had thrown a party a few days before shooting with the purpose of everyone getting hammered and relaxed around one another. Andy Richter, John C. Reily, Will and Sacha had all ended up in the hot tub with a few bottles of scotch around 3 AM. John had been laughing about how he was the only principle that didn't kiss anyone, so Andy had tongued him then showed him a "brain child" while they all laughed - Andy had ridiculously huge balls, and that was meant literally - and Sacha and Will kissed as well. It had started off as playing around but went on a few seconds longer than a joke kiss. Will's leg actually floated up to the surface towards the end.
Sacha made a joke about how it was funnier when a male-to-male kiss was so long it made everyone uncomfortable, and John, jaw dropped, had agreed that it had reached that point. Will just took another swig of whiskey and uncurled his toes in the water while Richter explained to John how gay men were the new lesbians.
Will checked his shooting schedule the next morning and saw he would have to wait a month before they shot the kiss scene.
Sacha had been right about Will coming over late one night, drunk, wanting to "prepare." Sacha had just stepped out of the shower and was drying off when there was a knock at his hotel suite. From the muffled voice, it was clear that Will's face was pressed against the door while he sang from R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet masterpiece.
"Whoooo the midget faints again...while Town 'n Sylvester is trippin...the midget is the baby's...daddy....whoo."
Sacha finished toweling his hair dry as he walked to the door. "William, I cannot believe you would come to my door and sing that wretched song. Now if it had been Color Me Badd or Jodeci..." He dip snapped and dropped into Ali G's voice, "Booyakasha. Me wants ta hear Fatty Bum Bum, a'ight?"
Will stumbled in when Sacha opened the door. "I'm not gonna lie to you, man. This is a booty call."
Sacha, laughing, led him into the suite. "What the bloody hell are you doing here, mate? Let me get some pants on.".
"Oh, you're not gonna need any clothes, Sach. Not if I do this right. Unless you have a thong or t-back, or banana hammock or something mesh. Mesh would not go amiss here."
Sacha looked over his shoulder and saw Will fumbling with his buckle in a comical manner. He switched to his Borat voice, dropped his towel and held his cock at the root, giving it heft. "Is nice! I use your man pussy before bed? Is not gay if I on top. Or if we are related."
They both laughed and Will flopped on the sofa while Sacha got dressed. Will started singing the same song from before, but in his Robert Goulet voice. "Here we are. The four of us...In total shock... Me and my bitch. I closed my mouth and swallowed spit, and I'm thinking to myself, 'This is some deep shit!' Goulet!" Will cracked up and kept on, but with a Neil Diamond impression.
"So I killed the midget and I made a pair of shoes out of him. Wear them on stage every time I'm in Tallahassee to remember the good times. I think I'm having a heart attack from all the meth I took with my keyboardist, Jimmy..."
Sacha sat down next to him and handed him a bottle of water. After an hour long discussion about the shooting schedule in which they sank deeper and deeper in the cushions hiding their yawns behind fists, they had ended up shoulder to shoulder looking at a script Sacha had written and was waiting to get a green light to begin.
"This is going to be huge, Sacha. When do you start filming?"
Sacha stretched his arms high overhead, arching his back; it was very late. "In a month. Once we're done here and I can grow the facial hair, in other words."
Will rubbed his eyes and looked at his watch. "Gah, it's getting late. I should go."
" Wait." Sacha crossed to the bedroom and grabbed a blanket and pillow and tossed them on the sofa. "Just stay here. It's too late to drive home."
Will's face broke into a huge yawn and he rubbed his eyes again. "If you're sure... Nothing but drunks on the highways right now, anyway. Thanks." He stretched out with a groan and pulled the blanket up to his chin. Sacha came back into the room a few minutes later after brushing his teeth and shut the light off.
"Good night." He bent over and gave Will a frank kiss on the lips. Smirking, he went back to his room and to bed. Will licked a touch of toothpaste off his lip. It took him longer than he expected to fall back asleep.
Sacha unzipped his fire suit and fanned the zippered edges to cool off. He knocked on the door to Will's trailer to see if he had anything cold to drink. His own trailer was at the end of the lot and it was already in the 90s. The heat was coming up off the tarmac in waves; the sound of the race cars on the track was almost deafening. He knocked again. Will shouted, "Come on in."
"William. Please tell me you have something cold to drink in here." Sacha pulled the top of his suit down, picked up Will's script off the side table and fanned his bare chest.
"You done shooting for the day?"
Sacha, nodding, unzipped his fire suit all the way and stepped out to cool off in his briefs.
Will headed into the kitchenette, "Hey, want a lukewarm cup of Franzia wine? I just got the box out of the back of my car. Been riding around for weeks with it - helps the bouquet."
Sacha laughed, "Yeah, alright."
Will came back with two Paulaner Hefeweizens. "Oh, did you really want the wine that comes in a box? I can run up the street to the 'We Sell Crap' store and get you some?"
"Cheers." Sacha took a long pull off his icy cold drink, sighed, and replied, "We don't actually have wine that comes in a box back in England, I don't believe. That sounds foul."
Will polished off the last of his beer. "It's terrible. And by terrible I mean the nectar of the gods."
Sacha swallowed quickly and rushed, "Oh, I thought of a terrific line for your character: 'Remember, a winner is only a loser that tried a little harder.' "
Will laughed again. "I'll write that one down." He sat next to Sacha and smiled at him. "You ready for tomorrow?"
Sacha quickly went back to his Jean Giraud voice. "Absolument. I weel be ready for you, Reecky Booby." He leaned forward quickly, cupped the back of Will's head and kissed him.
When Sacha's tongue slipped between their lips and rubbed against his, Will thought to himself briefly, "Well, he is French." Sacha threw a leg over and straddled Will on the small couch. Will didn't notice his hands moving to Sacha's hips, fingertips slipping just under the elastic waistband of Sacha's Y-fronts. He wasn't paying attention to Sacha's hands in his hair, tugging and pulling his head back against the sofa. All of his attention was being directed to the sensation of a firm mouth slanting over his. A full lip with just a hint of stubble rubbing pleasantly against his. Oh, and also a semi-erect penis resting on top of his. That also got his attention.
His fingers gripped instinctively and he blanched as he realized his hands were slightly under another man's underwear, gripping his hip bones. He opened his mouth and tried to lean back a little to get a handle on this rapidly spinning out of control situation. Sacha broke the kiss, nuzzled Will's nose with his own and breathed into Will's mouth, "Tu veux que ce soit authentique, non?"
Will murmured, "I-I don't know what the hell you just said. All I know is I like it."
Sacha's soft laugh turned into a quiet moan as Will gripped his hips firmly and ground him down on his lap. Sacha broke away and traced his teeth lightly down the cord in Will's neck. "Pour moi, c'est très important qu'il soit réel."
"Are you going to make me speak the real language of love? Because Deutsch is a beautiful and often misunderstood-"
Sacha cut him off by tracing Will's lower lip with his tongue and rucking up the front of Will's t-shirt.
The next day required five takes of the big kiss before the director called it a wrap. He decided to go with the one that didn't have them groping each other's asses and where you couldn't see all the tongue. He didn't think Middle America was quite ready for that much gay in a NASCAR movie.
Sacha wouldn't be able to do all of the press junket for Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby. He would be in character as Borat at that time, and it would ruin his anonymity to be seen in the big hair and 'stache. He told Will that he was going to have to be "deep under cover" for a few months while they filmed and wouldn't be reachable.
"At all? Not even phone calls?"
"No, I'm sorry, William, but the shooting has to be fluid. If we find an opportunity along the way for an interview, I have to be prepared. I'm staying in character the whole time."
"That's insane. The movie's going to be fantastic, though. But you're crazy, man." He said this as a compliment of the highest order. "When are you leaving?"
"In three days. Tomorrow I'm leaving to visit with my parents before I start shooting, however."
A pause on the line with only a faint buzz to be heard.
"You want to get a bite to eat? I haven't eaten anything and I'm starved."
They sat in a quiet corner of a Nouveau American restaurant that had a Kosher menu - unsurprisingly, as this was L.A. - and talked about this new movie of Sacha's.
"You're going to get beat up."
"I hope we catch it on film, if I do." Sacha's face broke into a massive grin. He had been full of energy, bouncing, shifting in his seat, clearly excited about his new project. They threw some bills on the table and headed outside.
Will leaned against his car, arms folded. "You gotta get back? I've got a place not too far from here, thought maybe we could play some ball if you've got some time."
No sooner had the door shut to Will's bungalow were his hands on Sacha, pulling him in close for a kiss. Sacha sagged against the inside of the door, his hands slipping around Will's waist and into his back pockets.
"You've got an outstandingly fat arse, William."
Will smiled against Sacha's neck, his tongue dipping into the hollow behind Sacha's ear. "I run."
Sacha put his hands on Will's chest and gently pushed him back. Will leaned in, stupidly, trying to connect lips again. Sacha turned his head and ducked under Will's arm. "No, I'm sorry. We're not those characters any more. I don't need to do that."
Will's mouth gaped for a moment, then he shook himself slightly and laughed. "Heh, yeah. Just seeing how far you'd take it again, that's all. So!" he added a little too cheerfully, "You wanna shoot hoops? I gotta tell you, I've got a sweet lay up. Better get on the bus, 'cause I'm taking you to school."
Sacha stood there, trying to get Will to look him in the eye. "William. Will?"
Will walked into the kitchen, opening the refrigerator, "I've got some of that Belgian beer you liked, if you want. Or some Pellegrino?"
"Will, I think I should go."
"Oh, hey. Hey, I was just fooling around. We're cool."
"No, it's become awkward, and... I really should be going. I've got a big trip coming up, and all. I'm sorry if you misunderstood."
Will waved his hand and shook his head. "No, no, of course not. I mean, we had to make it believable, sure. I just brought you back here to show your Limey ass how we play ball in the big leagues. Come on." He heaved a big sigh at Sacha's resolved look. "Come on, man. Don't make me look like an ass here."
Sacha clapped his hand on Will's shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I'm sorry. I should go. Thanks for dinner. It was good to see you." He turned briskly and walked out the door. Will stood still with two beers in his hands for a good five minutes looking at the door.
They hadn't been able to talk at the Borat premiere, and Sacha didn't come to the Blades of Glory after-party. The first chance to see each other away from all their entourages was lunch before the MTV Movie Awards. Sacha had called and left a message that he wanted to talk. It had taken Will three days to decide he would show.
Sacha was mostly business. They caught up on current and past projects, about friends they knew, and Sacha caught Will's ankle by hooking his own around it under the table. Will picked at his food and shifted back in his chair so they weren't touching. The waiter came and cleared their plates, relieving some of the tension. Will started, "So if we win, do you want to be Brokeback Mountain and have just one of us go up and be sincere?"
Sacha blinked. "Are you being for real?"
Will shrugged. "Whatever you want, man. I can always go for the joke and say I was forced to swallow a condom of scorpion venom to be enticed, if you want to play it butch."
Sacha barked a dry laugh, sucked on his lower lip and looked across the room for a moment. "You go up, thank the Academy or what have you, and I'll follow. Just--. Follow my lead, alright?"
Will took his credit card back from the waiter, scribbled in a tip, and stood. "You bet. See you later."
As the crowd screamed and groaned as Sacha continued moving Will's face to his, trying to kiss him, he muttered softly, "I'm sorry. Don't fight it, okay?" When they were back stage being interviewed by all of Western Media assuring the world that they were in fact Heterosexual, they kept stealing glaces back at each other.
Christina Augillera or someone had just come backstage, so all the cameras zoomed to her and left them alone. Sacha patted Will's back and moved in closely. "Can I stop by your flat on the way back? I owe you an apology."
Will rubbed at his lips. With a wry laugh and without making eye contact he nodded, "Sure. Yeah."
Will handed his award to an assistant and took a glass of champagne a page handed him. Sacha walked past and leaned in once more. "I've missed you."
Will smiled into his glass.
"Oh and William?" Will looked up. Sacha winked. "Thanks for letting me grab your gloriously round arse on stage."
Will flipped the back of his suit jacket up, stuck his tush out and in a boorish manner replied, "No problem. You gotta make sure the juice is worth the squeeze, my friend."
Sacha walked backwards towards the exit and mouthed, "ten minutes," and jerked his head towards the exit sign.
Will took another champagne flute and considered making him sweat for twenty.