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OKAY. I NEED A HAND HOLD. OMG.

My eyes are LITERALLY tearing up. (Not figuratively, hahaha.) WARNING: DO NOT CLICK THE LINK IF YOU ARE ARACHNOPHOBIC.

This is outside my door. MY FRONT DOOR. (strung up on the porch to the flower bed.) It wasn't this big yesterday. Last night, my son informed me that it was "mating." *cries* Which means there was ANOTHER one there. This morning, the male was... dead. (Head ripped off, juices sucked out.) And it grew. *cries*





*cries*

To give it some perspective, that is an oak leaf hydrangea behind it, and the leaves are larger than fig leaves. That spider is the size of my hand. If you think I'm going to hold my hand up to that web for a picture, you have another think coming.

I know spiders are cool and interesting and beneficial. I know this. Intellectually. The frightened Ron Weasley that lurks within is absolutely skeeved the hell out. I clicked on a website to find out if they're poisonous (by which I mean VENOMOUS - poison is when YOU eat IT. Venomous is when THEY eat YOU.) They aren't. The picture on the site made me start crying. Holy cheese whiz, spiders SCARE ME SO MUCH. (Our female is larger than that one.)

I am putting my Bose headphones back on, tuning out the WHOLE WORLD while listening to Deathly Hallows on disc and comfort eating some cake while imagining that my front door is SPIDER FREE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

[ETA] Now with a song, set to a popular Christmas song, "O Holy Night."

Oh holy Chriiiist,
This spider's f**king moooooooooooving, It's going to eat
Out my brains then lay eggs.

Long has it toiled, its web it has been spiiiiiiining
Til my good son with his bricks did appear

We'll smash and squish it
so it cannot eat my head
this friggin' thing is so large and very gross!

Oh! Holy Crap!
It's craaaaaaawling to-wards me!
This spider is smaaaaaart
It knows that I
wa-ant to kill it.

Oh Crap! This BUUUUUUUUUG
will eat
ow-ow-ow-ow-out my eyes....

MORE ON THIS HORRIFYING DRAMA!

Comments

( 145 comments — Leave a comment )
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<<[1] [2] [3] [4] >>
elfgirl
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:02 pm (UTC)
Er...happy birthday?

::smishes you and saves you from the ebil spider of doom (tm)::
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:08 pm (UTC)
*climbs into your lap and behind your hair like a baby monkey*

GAH!!!

(And thank you! Save me, L!)
crevette
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:07 pm (UTC)
THANK GOD THAT THERE IS A BROKEN LINK!!! BECAUSE I'M AFRAID BUT IF YOU PUT A LINK I MUST CLICK!

I'M BUSTING OUT THE CAPS LOCK OF TERROR!!!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:09 pm (UTC)
I HAVE FIXED THE LINK, ZOMG. PHOTOBUCKET IS A DOUCHE!

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! I'm not kidding when I tell you that my eyes welled up with fear-tears. Holy shit dogs.
kwizbit
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:10 pm (UTC)
*holds you*

Except... for some reason the picture is not there? Maybe I'm having computer problems, but there isn't even one of those boxes with a red 'x' in it, there's just empty space. And I wanted to see the spider *pouts*

Spiders tend to make their home right by my door around this time. August seems to be their peek or something. I can't tell you how many times I've walked up my back steps to be hit in the face with silky strands, and then to see the horrifying face of a thing with eight legs nose to well.. (do spiders have noses? let's go with antennas) antennas with me. So of course I run away and my boyfriend goes up and saves the day :P

Go get your son to rescue you!!
kwizbit
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:11 pm (UTC)
Oh oops, there it is! YIKES!! *runs away*
... - stoney321 - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - kwizbit - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
southernbangel
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:13 pm (UTC)
OH SWEET GOD I THINK I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK. OH EM GEE WHY DID I CLICK THAT LINK? AM I STUPID? THE ANSWER IS OBVIOUSLY "YES."

*flails in SHEER TERROR*

DON'T LET THE SPIDER EAT YOU, STONEY.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:16 pm (UTC)
I have red marks all over my neck from scratching. Lee, I have BROKEN OUT IN HIVES, I am not joking.

It MOVED when I looked at it. *cries* It is going to jump on my face like Alien and kill me and lay its spider babies in my BRAIN.

Oh, and #2 is dead to me. She tickled her hand up my neck and freaked me out and I almost STRUCK MY CHILD IN THE FACE. O_O
... - southernbangel - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:35 pm (UTC) - Expand
redbrickrose
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
YOU SAID NOT TO CLICK!! WHY DID I CLICK? OMG. I pretty much hate anything with more than four legs, but spiders are almost the worst. *shudders* I can't even kill without spray because I can't touch anything that is touching one. Ewww.

We have spiders that look like that when I go out to the swamp here. They may be that kind. Except. They looked all swollen last time. Pregnant maybe? GROSSEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. I apologize for sharing that, actually.

Ummm . . . happy birthday, though! Spiders aside, I hope it's a great one!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the birthday wishes, they are the ONE BRIGHT SPOT in this day of HORROR.

Oh my goodness. Those spiders are called 'banana spiders' - they're prevalent all over the south. They get HUGE apparently.

I mean, I can take beetles, bizarre worms/caterpillars... I contemplated becoming a parasitologist, actually. But spiders?!?! I think it's the many many legs and the fast movement. *cries*

I just had a stray hair drift across my arm and I freaked the hell out just now, slapping at my body. AAHHHH.
dangomango
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:18 pm (UTC)
*delurks* I THOUGHT BANANA SPIDERS WERE LITTLE AND CUTE. IGNORANCE REALLY IS BLISS. *relurks and runs away screaming*
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:19 pm (UTC)
*throws up a steel barrier between you and the spider TO PROTECT YOU, zomg!*

NO!! They get HUUUUUUUGE!! I had my daughter look it up in her bug book. Like, 10 inches across. *bawls and scratches skin off*
... - dangomango - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
altyronsmaker
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
I had one of those on the offensive one time, and HAD NO IDEA!!! OMG
altyronsmaker
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:23 pm (UTC)
and in my freakage, hit the enter button too quickly. *shudders*

So I know your freakage. BELIEVE ME, I know. Gah. Banana spiders are the worst! Because they are so EVIL LOOKING! I mean, really! Minions of SATAN!

*commiserates with you*
... - stoney321 - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
beanbeans
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
*holds your hand*

I believe that's a yellow orb spider, or yellow garden spider. I'll give you a link, but there are lots of spider pics on the page, so be warned and don't click if it will wig you out.

http://insects.tamu.edu/extension/bulletins/l-1787.html

And here is another picture and description, from someone from TX:
http://www.bugsinthenews.com/Texas%20Spiders/Argiope_aurantia_College_Station_TX_2006_Lorraine_E_H.htm

If it is a yellow orb, or Argiope aurantia, rest assured that this variety is relatively harmless. They just build really big, flat, ornate webs. My mom had one out on her front porch one year, and it got to be pretty dern big, too.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
It must go by both names then, as the picture of one in my Texas Bug Book from the Extension Agency calls it both your Argiope arantia and the common name of Banana spider (maybe the yellow?)

Now... keep in mind that I usually keep those pages paperclipped shut because of my overwhelming fear of all arachnids. GAAAAAAAAAH!
... - beanbeans - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
halfmoon_mollie
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:24 pm (UTC)
I posted birthday wishes to you in my LJ - but we aren't 'mutual' so you probably didn't see them.

Or maybe the evil spider stole them. Stay away from the front door....

Happy Birthday.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
CLEARLY it is the spider's fault! I'm blaming all problems on the spider. :D

(Also, I've not been online much today...) However, THANK YOU VERY MUCH for the birthday wishes!! *clings to you in fear*
liz_marcs
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
*hands you whisky to take away the pain*

I'll be over here------->

*hiding*

So, how is that birthday working out for you?
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC)
*joins you far away from Evil Creature*

It's working out fine (and thank you), as long as I don't look out my front windows. Liz, I am currently 12 feet away from that thing and can STILL MAKE OUT ITS FEATURES. That is too big for comfort. O_O

*clings*
hellziggy
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:30 pm (UTC)
It's a birthday spider!
*pats stoney*
It's ok, stoney. If he goes on the attack you have children to use as decoys while you get away! If you tell the kids this plan and tell them that you will save the best behaved one...
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
I WOULD LIKE TO EXCHANGE THE SPIDER FOR A BUNNY, THANKS. *cries*

Oooh, I like your line of thinking. I'll line the kids up, the juciest ones first. CLEVER! (hahahaha. <3)
Birthday Bunneh! - hellziggy - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Aug. 8th, 2007 09:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
maevebran
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:31 pm (UTC)
Happy Birthday! Hope it is a good one (spiders not withstanding).
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much! Pls send a large hammer and a man to swing it, thx.

:D
stephanierb
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:32 pm (UTC)
As I am arachnophobic, I tried to avoid catching sight of whatever it was on your front door.

I was unsuccessful.

That is one pretty nasty spider. We used to get wood spiders in our house, which have big bodies and long hairy legs and can jump across the room. Still, I'm not sure which one looks worse.

So, the purpose of my comment...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you are having a fantastic day, spider notwithstanding. :-)
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
I am not exaggerating when I say my mouth went dry and my lip wobbled when I read "and can jump across the room."

YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES, ZOMG.

(And thank you very much for the b-day wishes! I'm currently wishng that this spider goes elsewhere...)
... - southernbangel - Aug. 8th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
pernickety
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:37 pm (UTC)
EW EW EW EWWWWWWWW.

Mating? Will there be more? EWEWEWEWEWWWWWWWWWW.
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:41 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!! I am not having an egg sac outside my door, I AM NOT.

Two years ago my son had a Black Widow spider as a pet. It laid an eggsac. I freaked the hell out. The spider disappeared... mysteriously. (I threw the whole container out.) GAH.
thebratqueen
Aug. 8th, 2007 08:42 pm (UTC)
ACK!!!

Also? Happy birthday!
stoney321
Aug. 8th, 2007 09:11 pm (UTC)
ZOMG I LOVE HER HAMMIE WITH CAKE. It has officially made everything all betterz. :)

(Thank you!)
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( 145 comments — Leave a comment )

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Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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