This is outside my door. MY FRONT DOOR. (strung up on the porch to the flower bed.) It wasn't this big yesterday. Last night, my son informed me that it was "mating." *cries* Which means there was ANOTHER one there. This morning, the male was... dead. (Head ripped off, juices sucked out.) And it grew. *cries*
To give it some perspective, that is an oak leaf hydrangea behind it, and the leaves are larger than fig leaves. That spider is the size of my hand. If you think I'm going to hold my hand up to that web for a picture, you have another think coming.
I know spiders are cool and interesting and beneficial. I know this. Intellectually. The frightened Ron Weasley that lurks within is absolutely skeeved the hell out. I clicked on a website to find out if they're poisonous (by which I mean VENOMOUS - poison is when YOU eat IT. Venomous is when THEY eat YOU.) They aren't. The picture on the site made me start crying. Holy cheese whiz, spiders SCARE ME SO MUCH. (Our female is larger than that one.)
I am putting my Bose headphones back on, tuning out the WHOLE WORLD while listening to Deathly Hallows on disc and comfort eating some cake while imagining that my front door is SPIDER FREE. GAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
[ETA] Now with a song, set to a popular Christmas song, "O Holy Night."
Oh holy Chriiiist,
This spider's f**king moooooooooooving, It's going to eat
Out my brains then lay eggs.
Long has it toiled, its web it has been spiiiiiiining
Til my good son with his bricks did appear
We'll smash and squish it
so it cannot eat my head
this friggin' thing is so large and very gross!
Oh! Holy Crap!
It's craaaaaaawling to-wards me!
This spider is smaaaaaart
It knows that I
wa-ant to kill it.
Oh Crap! This BUUUUUUUUUG
ow-ow-ow-ow-out my eyes....
MORE ON THIS HORRIFYING DRAMA!