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Pimps up, hos down

First, I want to talk about my excitement this time of year with all the back to school prep. Not just because I will be ridding my house of three food-eating, arguing, mess-making machines (although that's a big part of it) I get so nostalgic for college with all the dorm supplies cropping up everywhere. I'm not going to lie to you: I dicked around a LOT in college. Somehow I managed to graduate summa cum laude - I think it's because I slept with all of my professors. I AM JOKING. *gags, remembering Principles of Biology professor* My roommate was a huge flirt and partier, for a Mormon school, and was so much fun. In between the Mathematics building and our dorm was a large lawn. We went to a toy shop our sophomore year and bought a water cannon/trebuchet. Holy crap, did we have fun douching the nerds.

FOR THE RECORD: I was a nerd with my science degree. (But come on. Math students are such primadonnas.) The college was situated near some of the best rock climbing in the world; as soon as class was over, we'd hop in my crappy Buick2 (every college student should have a crappy car - and learn how to FIX IT. I rebuilt a Buick1 from the ground up, I thank you: '64 Special, bad ass hooptie) and hit the mountains. Sometimes we'd hook our gear up outside the dorm and climb up the walls and rapel down before security would come.

We had "theme" days (hey - it was a Mormon school - unofficially, ALL schools in Utah are Mormon - so there wasn't any drinking and screwing) where we'd dress up in costumes. And go to class. OF COURSE you would wear a leopard print catsuit with a blonde fro to Calculus. Didn't everyone? We roller skated every Saturday night, huge groups of 18-25 year olds dressed in fly 70s gear, skating to the hits. Good times. I still feel great shame at the boys I chose to date in college - it was SLIM PICKIN'S ladies. Very slim.

We would also make trips into Colorado City (Short Creek, aka the town Juniper Creek of Big love is based on) and boggle at the Plygs. Until they'd escort us out, of course. I taught Sunday School while in college. Can you believe that? CHURCH. In COLLEGE. And I went to church classes every school day, too! What the hell? Good, clean fun. Er... yeah. This was where I met the BFF - we were set up by a teacher, heeeee! We still laugh at that. This was where I got to be away from my family, be myself, figure out who I was, and got a nickname that wasn't insulting (um... my family? They could be assholes.) Oh, my nickname was Tex. :)

Screw high school as the "best time of your youth." It was college for me. [/wistful] (Even though I was surrounded by some of the biggest weirdoes imaginable. I've told y'all about the girl that lived down the hall that got married after two dates, had her FIRST KISS at the altar, and called her mom crying the night of her honeymoon because her husband wanted "to do something disgusting" to her? And her mother sobbed and said she had hoped this man would be different? HOLY DIRTY PILLOWS, CARRIE.)

In other words, I'm going to Staples to buy school supplies today. \o/ Check out these awesome Bento boxes for kids' lunches!! (I'm harsh and cruel and make my children eat heathfully - no packaged foods.)

Yesterday I was fitted for my costume - oh holy night, I was cracking the hell up. The SHOES!! Clear heels (of course) with a braided jelly strap across the toes - clear, with multi-colored shimmers inside. One of the tank tops belonging to my character reads: Back Door Bitch. *laughs and laughs* The one I'm wearing is bedazzled and eventually will have silver stars on the boobs. I need to get a leopard print bra today so it can poke out of my top. CLASSY!! (Oh, the SHORTS! moosesal? They're Britney-short. The pockets hanging out from underneath? Except there's classy black lace sewn on the hems. \o/ I'm a leetle nervous about my whole leg being exposed. I mean, my WHOLE leg. On a freaking movie screen. I'm doing leg lifts like a mo fo. (And if this was human, this is about the look we're going for.)

Finally, a very important and SCIENTIFIC POLL, which your answers are very much needed to solve world hunger. Or malaria. SOMETHING.

Poll #1040151 Polling the world, one lame question at a time

Do you get ready:

sock sock, shoe, shoe
sock, shoe, sock, shoe
shoe, shoe, sock
tentacle wrap, sealant

Do you brush your teeth

immediately after eating
right before bed
only in the morning
I drop my dentures in a fizzy glass at night

Do you keep it:

up tight and out of sight
clean, mean machine
krunked up?
to yourself?

I immediately assumed "it" was:

I (the poll taker) am:

all outta love... (I'm so lost without you!)
coming out! (I'm coming!)
a rock. I am an iiiiiiiiiisland. (And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.)
Woman, hear me roar! In numbers too big to ignore!
the walrus (goo goo g'joob)

Ain't no party like a ______ party, 'cuz a _____ party don't _____.

West Coast, West Coast, stop
East Coast, East Coast, stop
white trash, white trash, know when to let the hogs outta the livin' room.
(n) lj, (n) lj, allow child porn, linking to porn or anything questionable, are we done talking about LJ now?

Which of the following is true: (as per entries here)

I have known someone that has been on the Jerry Springer show.
I have known someone that has complained about buying an arm for someone that didn't appreciate it.
I have known someone that packed a lunch to sit outside the fire station and follow them around while listening to a scanner.
all of these are true, and it's the same person.
none of these are true, because you can't make that stuff up.


( 71 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
Aug. 16th, 2007 02:22 pm (UTC)
IS THAT NOT AWESOME??? I'm hoping they'll put a big ol' snake tattoo around my leg, or a huge panther on the top of my thigh. :D
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... - stoney321 - Aug. 16th, 2007 02:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
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... - stoney321 - Aug. 16th, 2007 02:45 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - moosesal - Aug. 16th, 2007 05:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 16th, 2007 02:26 pm (UTC)
I want to laugh at the poor girl down the hall but part of me also wants to cry for her. Wow
Aug. 16th, 2007 02:29 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, she was a MESS. The AMISH knew more about life than she did. Her mother was LOONY TUNES.

We had a movie watching night in my room one night... Sixteen Candles? Pretty innocent fare, right? She FREAKED OUT and left when they showed the three second shower scene. o_0 She also blushed and stammered when people on TV/movies kissed. Just... man. Her mother did NOT do her any favors.
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Aug. 16th, 2007 02:39 pm (UTC)
Florida is mighty short on good rock climbing. I'm more of a boulderer myself but I would LOVE to climb and repel down a building at school. That would be sweet.

I had a Mercedes 240D one year younger than myself for a couple years. I can fix all sorts of things now! It was a good learning experience.

I wish I had lived on campus for school, Or at the very least didn't work through school. College was one big CRAPFEST for me. =(

You must take pictures of your costume.
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:04 pm (UTC)
I like bouldering, too, but gimmie a 500 ft. cliff face any day. (Well, back when I was all spry... Heh.)

The great thing about Mercedes is they go and go and go and go. If you maintain that engine, they're rock solid.

I worked through school, too, but I rocked the scholarships no one else picked up (just all those random ones) and won one for the dorms. WHEW.
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Aug. 16th, 2007 03:05 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I love that commercial, too, and ALWAYS sing it at the store, heeee! (Last year we ran into three other parents singing it as well. We all had a good laugh)

Hopefully I will! (And hopefully some of NB, if I don't scare him off...)
Aug. 16th, 2007 02:41 pm (UTC)
Okay, the girl down the hall? I went to high school with someone like that. Very first day of school, there was a fight. This was not uncommon because... lots of boys with testosterone = fighting. Rarely serious (although it got more so over the years, thank you, guns) mostly just squabbling. And we would all gather around and go "fight! fight! fight!" because really, you've never seen nothin' until you've seen two fourteen year olds try to remeber the 'rules of fighting' while stealing each others shoes.

What, it wasn't often, just not horrifically unusual.

Anyway. Chick who was with me? FREAKED. In ways I could hardly believe, she was so frantically terrified. Moreso because no one else was.

I spent all year trying to normalize her out of pity. Also, because I like feeling superior.

But yeah. That type is funny for about two seconds, then you realize how serious it is and you go "oh, god, honey". Because that's some trauma coming up your way, stat.

Hi, I'm rambly, sorry?

I CANNOT WAIT to see you in ho!gear! You're gonna look so fantastic! And by fantastic, I mean scary :D
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:06 pm (UTC)
I am going to look so trashy(ier), it'll be fantastic! \o/

And the thing about Utah is, it's almost filled up with people like that! (My closeted gay cousin, who had his first kiss at the altar. Where he married a girl he met online a week before. o_0)
... - ladycat777 - Aug. 16th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 16th, 2007 02:42 pm (UTC)
LOL! That picture! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
Isn't that awesome!?! Man, I loved The Squidbillies. That makes me want to go back and finish my HP/Squidbillies crossover... Ha!
Aug. 16th, 2007 02:55 pm (UTC)
ZOMG, THOSE BENTO BOXES WIN AT EVERYTHING. I want to find one for my girl. (And one for me, too, because, hi! I'm a dork!) \o/

We did the shopping for school supplies at Staples trip on Monday, and I had my own nostalgia time then, too. Oh, how I wanted to load up the cart with pencils and notebooks and colorful, swirly paper clips, pens with colored ink and mini-staplers that kill you with their kewtness. *flails* See? Dork. But seriously--watch it while shopping at Staples--some of those Moms were ruthless! I was wide-eyed at the grabby-handed vehemence over freakin' calculators. O.O

Oh, that poor girl. How can parents not teach their kids about life and the good stuff, like smooches and sex? Ack.

Hee, your costume is awesome in it's ho-ishness. Oooh! You could wear it when you drop off the kids on the first day of school! Mwahahaha!
<---*totally kidding, omg*
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC)
Seriously: how awesome are those Bento boxes!!? And you can get little bunny cutters for cheese and fruit and sammiches and I am SO HAPPY IT'S ALMOST SCHOOL TIME!! I have to be restrained at Staples, or I end up with all sorts of things I didn't need. (But look! I feel so organized and capable for any work task!)

You know what? I am TOTALLY the kind of person that WOULD wear it to drop off the kids at school. :D Too bad the costume designer will have it. *plotz*
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Aug. 16th, 2007 03:44 pm (UTC)
You must take a picture of your tarted up self. And then you should go to a biker bar.

Aaron will be gone in a week and a half so I have very mixed emotions about the approach of school.
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:07 pm (UTC)
Ha, I will! Plus, there will be moving pictures of me that you can see (and hear) coming to a theater near you... Unless it is a straight to DVD flop. Hahaha!

Aww, Aaron's going away, so I can understand that. *hugs*
Aug. 16th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)

I've been lurking occasionally via friends-friendslists, but the Bento thingy has me puzzled and intrigued, so I'm bravely de-lurking.

The lunches look cute and nutritious, and I feel like I
want to practice making them for my future kids right now, BUT isn't it incredibly wasteful and time-consuming? What is happening to the rest of the cookie-cutter-cut sandwiches? I guess one could make a salad or pasta sauce from the left over cuttings of the vegetables, but on the whole I'm cringing a bit at the thought of throwing away bread... And do you really find the time to roll fake sushi in the mornings?

I'm not trying to be all morally superiour (it sure sounds like it, doesn't it) I'm just wondering if I might have overlooked something and the answer is something obvious (like: Duh, the rest is MY breakfast). Because: so cute. With the shapes and the picks and everything...
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:06 pm (UTC)
Hello! De lurk anytime!

And I tend to make lunches the night before - sandwiches, etc. My plan - if I made the shaped sandwiches instead of rolls - is to keep the cut off bits and there's my lunch. :) That's an easy way to have portion control. Haha.

And given that most kids I see in school have utter crap for lunch, anything to get my kids to stick to our healthy way of eating is a plus. (And there's less waste in a few crusts of bread than all the plastic wrap, baggies for chips, juice boxes, etc.)

My youngest is going through a picky stage, but she'll eat anything shaped like a bunny rabbit, I've found. :)
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Aug. 16th, 2007 04:19 pm (UTC)
I think you are officially the coolest person on my flist. Period. Did I read that you are going to be in a movie? With Nick Brendan? AZKDJELKCFJGL;DKFJSDAK. Jealous of you. ;) Since I seemed to have missed this incredible news - what part are you playing? Is it significant? The reason I'm asking is because if you are in this movie I SO WANT TO SEE IT. :)

Stoney you are so mad of win. ;)
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:20 pm (UTC)
*MADE of win, not MAD of win* LOL Can't type today. Too much coffee.
... - stoney321 - Aug. 16th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:32 pm (UTC)
Brush morning and night! Better for smooching!
Aug. 16th, 2007 06:19 pm (UTC)
Ha, I realized after I posted that I made it seem like morning brushing was optional. If only you could edit polls...

Yes, yes: brushing morning and night!
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:37 pm (UTC)
Miss Perfect will be transported back to college next Wednesday, and I am not actually so upset about that (except for the whole long damned road trip part).

Julia, the hot water tank and my sleep cycle will be thankful.
Aug. 16th, 2007 06:21 pm (UTC)
Oy, my back door (literal back door, not hinted at dirty concept) and my fridge will be glad to have a rest when they aren't here all day.

(Plus, it will be nice to not have a million children traipsing in and out of my house at any given moment.)
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:49 pm (UTC)
Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Leopard print bra! Yis!

And those boxes are awesome.
Aug. 16th, 2007 06:22 pm (UTC)
I am SO HAPPY with this bra, dude. It's AWESOME. A little too small for maximum cleavage/slut factor. :D

I am so into these cute little bento boxes and all the accessories!
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:51 pm (UTC)
In HS I had a 1977 Buick Electra Limited. It was dark green. The back seat was like a full size bed. My boyfriend CRIED when I got a real car, because it was much harder to have good sex in a 1985 Honda Accord (though we managed). I once hit a brick wall with the Buick and KNOCKED THE BRICK WALL OVER. The car? Not a scratch.
Aug. 16th, 2007 04:55 pm (UTC)
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Aug. 16th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
screw high school as the "best time of your youth." It was college for me.

Me too! It was like a million times better...don't know what people are talking about when they talk about high school so glowingly.

My high school best friend went to a private Christian college. Those activities you described sound v. familiar (I still remember her complaining about being written up for missing too many church sessions. She was insulted that the college figured they could measure one's faith by the number of times one attends church. But that's kind of how most people seem to think about faith so not that surprising). Anyway, it's amazing how many ways you can have fun that don't involve alcohol. Too bad that makes you so socially unacceptable to admit at your average college.

Aug. 16th, 2007 06:29 pm (UTC)
I was VERY unhappy in high school - if my sister reads this, TOUGH. She was a big part of it. Mean mean mean back in those days. The best years I had were when she wasn't there in HS or Junior High. (We were a year apart.)

To be fair, she didn't like going to school with me, either. I was all square and religious back then.

Our school wasn't that bad as to get you in trouble for not attending church, not like BYU, which I turned down. You could get kicked out of school for not wearing knee length shorts, or having caffeine in your dorm. FOR SERIOUS. o_0
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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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