Because the movie is doooone filming
And my fake nails they aaaaare peeling
And my slut shorts are planted in the trash
(My covered gash....)
Within the frames of filming.
Too much? Sorry, I've been working Blue for days, now, and I can't turn it off. Holy crap, have I been tired...
First, am I glad I'm done? Yes. (And no - I'm already going through withdrawals of missing everyone on set - fantastic group of people) Second, would I do it again? Hell yes. The screenwriters are actually wrapping up a sequel, of which I will be the star, I thank you, along with Bone, aka the Hotass from this movie. And since I spent Sunday night - three solid hours, to be exact, with my hand gripping his ass, I can speak with authority. :D If only my face didn't look like I just blew the whole Shriner's circus...
1. The Makeup. Please do not think that you will be seeing me at my best. I really shouldn't have bothered dieting, exercising, etc. (Um... not like I was all Hollywood dieting - I tightened up a dress size, basically. =p) Heavy bronzer (but only on my face so there's a makeup line) THIIIIICK coral blush, slimy-shiny hot pink lip gloss, but the eye makeup was the best. We couldn't quite decide on a descriptor. At times I thought it looked like I had given blow jobs to an entire circus of clowns then showed up without washing my face, at other times I thought perhaps I had grabbed a bunch of butterflies and mashed their wings on my eyes. Baby blues, hot pinks, and SHINY. All around my eyes. Like, under my eyes. Above my eyebrows. AHAHAHA! It's hilarious and UGLY. Then there was my hair...
2. The Hair. It was incredibly humid, and the set (we'll get to that later) had no A/C. Please to be remembering where I live: Texas. It's still summer here. First thing when I got on set was get set up in rollers. Hooooooooot. Then makeup (if they could get my face to stop sweating). Then the rollers came out and the hair was SO 70s PORN, it's not even funny. I kept hearing "Marilyn Chambers" before the makeup was put on. So apparently, I look like a major porn star. My daddy will be so proud. And confused. I had so much hairspray in there... When I would get home, I washed the "blood" out first, then the hairspray. I lost so many chunks of hair... But because it was humid, they would have to touch up parts with a curling iron throughout the night. Then I started getting douched with blood, and it didn't matter anymore. Yay?
3. The Blood. Made up of Karo syrup, chocolate syrup, and red food coloring. Which, num! Except for how it feels to have that sprayed from a HOSE onto your face. And in your eyes. And in your sinuses. And be slimy in your crevices. For 12 hours. <-- no exaggeration. I didn't bear the brunt of it most days, which was nice. 3 of the other characters show up at my "place" covered, so there were a few days I only had sprinklings. \o/ Nicholas Brendon was really sweet to those three on their first day of getting nasty. He kept asking how they were doing, and how he remembered those days on set and how gross it felt. (He was really just the nicest guy.) When I'd get home, I'd take my contacts out and they'd be stained pink. That stuff STINGS. And yesterday was the worst day - I won't go into details, because I don't want to give away the gags, but I'll just tell you we went through scores of gallons in one hour. FEH. Thank god there was a shower on set. (And that the blood washed out perfectly. The SP/FX department ROCKED.)
4. The Set. (WARNING: you may not want to be eating anything when you read this.) The filthiest and creepiest place I'd ever been. Um... and that's before we showed up with props. Basically we filmed the majority of the movie at a ranch, just outside of Dallas. It's a Dude Ranch for hire, but we filmed at the caretaker's house. (Note to self: there are no normal caretakers anywhere, not in film, or real life.) The house was SO EARLY 60s! Paneling painted white, a round brick wall separating the bedrooms from the living room... Oh, and a pool just off the kitchen. ??? WTF. A friggin pool *in* the house, the very center, actually. And it was filled with carousel horses, as all pools should be. IN THE HOUSE. Now, this is all just the layout (and it was seriously Jame Gumb's house. I kept telling people to put the fucking lotion in the basket.) but it was also the FILTHIEST HOUSE I'VE EVER BEEN IN. I'm not that afraid of bugs. Spiders as big as my hand? Yes. (And they were EVERYWHERE. No one would walk under the trees because they were dripping with spiders.) Palmetto bugs and house roaches in every single room, on every single wall, on EVERY PART OF THE CEILING. The ceiling tiles were falling down, and they would FLY OUT from the cracks at random intervals. I ruined a take once, because a huge flying roach popped out (my eyes went to it) and it FLEW DOWN TOWARDS US, and I screamed, squatted down and slapped at my hair, in case it decided to land in it. I stopped eating the catered food that sat out during filming (fruit, crackers, etc.) because I could not trust that it hadn't been contaminated. BLERGH. Coffee? Not for me, because the creamer may have had bugs on it. FEH. I'm itching in remembering. One scene required a huge amount of "blood" to splatter on the floor, so the PAs (worst. job. ever. Those poor brave souls) had to mop it up in between takes. That was the cleanest that floor had been in decades, maybe. I couldn't sit on the furniture after a day or so, because the first time I got "blood" on me, I sat on the edge of the sofa and came up with UNKNOWN HUMAN HAIRS and various schmortz on my skin. The caretaker's name was Sanchez, so that's my new word for filth. "Ugh, I got some Sanchez on my leg!" SO HAPPY TO BE CLEAN, Y'ALL.
ETA: I have to record this - again, feel free to skip, those of you with weak stomachs. There was a LITERAL RAT'S NEST on the porch. The porch was also dominated by several huge barrels of horse feed (remember: dude ranch) that weren't sealed. Those of you who know horses are nodding: roaches swarming in it, out of it, BLECH. Good fucking god, it was so gross. And the actual horses themselves were GORGEOUS. (I took pics) They were NOT being properly cared for, however. I noticed one of the Palominos limping, and it looked like she had partially thrown a shoe. Hello, SANCHEZ!! Also, they hadn't been groomed in an age and had matts and dirt in their manes, and the two mares looked like they could stand to gain a hundred or two hundred pounds. You could see their hip bones. :( (I'm contacting the owner to let him know, actually.) All of the goats and chickens and geese were properly fat and noisy. :)
5. The Nails. Two and one half inches long. Curved down further than the pads of my fingertips, so I couldn't rest my hand flat on anything. By day 4 in them, I had FINALLY figured out how to BUTTON. (I had to wear running shorts everyday.) What made it the MOST special was that I was on my period for the first three days of being in the nails. I'll let your imaginations run there, instead of filling you in on the frustration. I had to get the costumer (thank [the god of your choice] that it was my sister) to pull my pants up the first few times. NICE. Oh, and hook my bra. *headdesk* They were super-glued (or whatever professionals use to put these things on) and they were NOT coming off. Except when they did. It was very humid, and I wasn't used to them, so sometimes I'd hit my hand on something and they'd sproing off. So they had to be glued back on. I've spent the past hour this morning soaking them, trying to get them off, as I'm "wrapped." And of course, now that I want them to come off, they won't. Two of them I just tugged at, and they took half of my actual nail off with them. OOOOOOUCH!!! Frak! I don't know how these girls put up with them. Au naturel, baby. That's how it should be. (EXCEPT. If it weren't for the nails, I wouldn't have given Nicholas Brendon a three minute back scratch. *g*) The boys on set liked them - in that they liked the back scratches, too. Head scratches were popular, as well. Hee!
6. The COSTUME. I would like to state for the record that a) I actually have a waist, and it's 10 inches smaller than my bust, 11" smaller than my hips. You will not know this from the movie. If anyone doubts that the cut/fit of clothes can flatter your body, let this movie stand as a record that YES, IT MATTERS. Now please know that I think it's hilarious, how ugly I was. Very Jeri Blank, which is awesome. Being hideous can be funny. But man, was my ego taking a hit after a few days. I had to stop watching the dailies because I didn't want to think about how I was looking on camera, I just wanted to play this Broad. Also for the record, b) I NEVER wear revealing clothing. I;m still a bit of a prude. Like, I avoid V-necks, because I didn't want to appear "flashy." Which is now HILARIOUS because I'm preeetty much in a leopard print bra the whole time. Oh, there's a tank top I'm wearing, but it's been cut so low, it hung down BELOW the bra. The SHOES. Oh, lordy, those whore pumps. Plastic, clear, jelly/glitter bands across my toes... When I first put them on, they were comfy. Then I got on set - the floors were concrete - and my feet were miserable after a few hours. I took to hiding a pair of flip flops on set for between takes. I was pretty self-conscious the first time I put it all on and walked around set (all the crew thoughtfully avoided looking me to help me not be embarrassed) but by day three I was just hanging out, half naked. Wow. *laughs* The shorts were high-waisted (elastic band) and cut SHORT. At the thickest part of my thigh. I'm resigned to looking like shit, people. Especially since my co-star is an inch taller than me and weighed thirty pounds. Which leads to...
7. The Cast. The other female lead (who looks like SMG, but taller) was itty-bitty thin. Not toned, or anything, just weetiny limbs and frame and tall. Which made me look dumpy. (But funny!) She was also lovely and I seriously miss hanging out with her right now. :( Absolutely huggable and sweet. And snarky, which made it a blast on set. The other leads were the three guys, 20s- early 30s (Bone). Great guys, all different personalities. One of them is my Brother in Law, and we had the BEST time working together, which is great, because we had a "sex scene." He was so apologetic to be doing it, and I kept telling him to shut up, and welcome to the family. Ahahahaha. (He totally got his Sanchez all over me. Heh.) My "husband" was an older man, a professor at a local college, and he was a very nice man, and INCREDIBLY nervous about having a big make-out scene at one point. He kept brushing his teeth and eating mints (aww!) and then... smoked a few cigarettes right before, so all was naught. And boy, he was INTO the kiss. I was supposed to be the aggressor, but he took over. O_O Um... I wrecked his fake mustache. I also have bruises all over my thigh from his gun belt, but he didn't get my Ace Ventura jokes... (Anyone? "Your gun is digging into my hip!" *gags*) I had to throw myself at "Bone" (And my female co-star) throughout the movie, and I started feeling bad about it. Oh, not bad enough to STOP, just... you know. Conscious twinging. Hahahaha! Any chance to grab his ass or caress his muscles (he's um... well made.) and I went for it. The director started teasing me about how I didn't even stop during breaks in takes. HEEEEEE! The actor is a real nice guy. He also has a FABULOUS freaking ass. By hour two, he was flexing it in my hands, heeeeee! And rawr.
8. The freaking CREW! I hung out with specific people after a few days, because they were so damned entertaining, but I got to know just about everyone with the exception of a few Pas. (They were beensy babies, and were clearly uncomfortable with my state of undress. Hee!) Um... if I had been single (I told my BiL at one point, "Now, I'm not saying I'm going to cheat on my husband, but if I did... it would be with so and so.") hooo. One of my absolute favorites was Casey, the guy in charge of continuity. (Cool job, by the way.) He has worked on Scrubs and Studio 60 (he did not have good things to say about that set) and came back from LA to work on this and one other local project. He's funny as SHIT and we could not stop talking in specific voices off-camera. Sharp as a tack and funny as can be. :(( I wish I was there this last day. Charlie was another guy that was so damn funny. He has a local band called The Tah Dahs, by the way, and he got to play a vampire that attacks me at one point. \o/ One of the neatest guys I got to know was Drew. Drew has Cerebral Palsy, which has left him with a pronounced limp in both legs. He asked my BiL (who wrote the script) if he could play a zombie because, "I already have the walk." HEEEEEEEEEE! Oh, man, too funny. He was just as sweet as pie, too. Very young, very kind, and a great sense of humor.
The DP (Director of Photography) was cool - very funny and VERY good at his job. I loved listening to him talk about various aspects of the filming process. He heard I could do a "Jodie Foster" impression and had me say all of her memorable lines from SotL at one point. Hahaha. He also asked for my contact info, as he has a few projects lined up that he thinks I could do. WHOOO! My sister was the costumer, and she did a FANTASTIC job. Everyone looked perfect, and it was so awesome to have her there with me. She missed one night (her poor kitty died - oh, so sad. RIP, Fats) and BiL and I were sad without her. She made it so fun, and she was very professional, and I was just so proud of her. The Exec. Producer was Hottie McStudsalot (and super nice guy) Robert. 1) He's heading back to Iraq for his THIRD TOUR. 2) He looks like a cross between Tiger Woods and Gunn. Um, rawr. 3) He's really nice and encouraging (and told me to send him any screenplays I may be working on. !! I mentioned that I've not written any, just a memoir and novel I'm writing, and he said to turn them into scripts and send them to him. O_O Hahaha. Uh... Okay?) Kristin, the actor's PA was the nicest person. I felt bad asking her for stuff, but then I remembered that's what she was there for. (But I still had problems asking her, hee!) Need her to run to the store for a drink? Done. Need a new pair of hose? Done. Chair? Coffee? Done. And she was a lovely person in her own right, too. Basically, everyone was really cool, very good at what they do (I learned so much about the whole process works - fascinating!) and very funny. They all were just crazy and fun. How can you not want to do this all the time???
9. The EXTRAS. Okay, this is where I bitch. Jesus, H. Christo, if you ever get the chance to be an extra for a movie, TV show, etc. let me offer you a few pointers. 1) You are not official cast. You do not order any cast member NOR (and more importantly) the CREW around. You aren't getting paid, you aren't getting credit, but you will (possibly) get fed, and make some new friends. That's it. 2) You do not wander around the set, backstage, etc. People broke stuff, STOLE STUFF *cough* my stuff), bossed the crew around, bossed me and "Carrie" (the other female lead) around while we were getting makeup!! (There was one bathroom for cast/crew. There were porta-potties for extras outside. Remember: actual house we were filming in. 40 cast/crew, 50-75 extras. Do the math.) This one BITCH (holy shit) told "Carrie" and I that we needed to vacate the bathroom (we were getting our makeup for the night) because one of the other extras needed to go potty. !!!!! The same girl also made a big point of not getting blood on her (hello, you're playing a vampire that just ate a bunch of people) and then walked around looking bored. ON FILM. Like, wouldn't pretend. They ended up moving her to the far back, then just cutting her. She was not the only one, BTW, just the worst. (Angie, if you're reading: YOU LOOKED/WERE AWESOME. ♥)
On the days the "big names" were there (Tom Towles and Nicholas Brendon) the extras were a little creepy at times. I'm going to censor myself as best I can so as to not offend fans on my flist, but god, y'all. They are PEOPLE. People who had jobs they showed up for and did (and in NB's case, YEARS ago) and just want to relax sometimes. We principles got sad for NB in particular last week when he had clearly been enjoying hanging out with people that didn't make his Buffy-past a big deal, then the extras started asking for autographs and pictures later that night. I mean, he was very gracious and made sure everyone felt like they got their "Xander" moment because the man is a professional and terrific, but his whole demeanor shifted from this relaxed, happy guy, to "Working Actor for Fans." I don't know... I think a Con is one thing - they know it's the job, but when they're working on set, I could see it mattered to him that he was just Nicky. In other words... I will NOT get anyone an autograph when I see him next. Sorry. I will be making out with him, though. HAHAHAHAHA, kidding! (Or am I? Bum bum buuuuum!)
10. The Hours. I left the house at 5:30pm, started getting in costume as soon as I got there, and we didn't usually wrap for the day until 7:30am or so. This last day we finished at 9am. I got sick Sunday and started a cycle of Airborne. That stuff rocks. As soon as I got home (an hour-long drive in morning traffic) I would shower (if I hadn't on set) and go to bed. Up at 1:30 (I could NOT sleep past 1:30. The hell?) and would putter around getting things organized here. Kids home at 3:30, homework, organize dinner, then hugs and kisses, out the door for another day. So if you've emailed, called, that's why I didn't reply. I've been on auto pilot. Also, until today, no fingers capable of typing! Tapping out a few words with the tips on occasion, but that's it. So if I missed something important, let me know.
Would I do it again? Aw, yeah. And will be! (Eventually.) Overall, this was one of the best things I've participated in. It also has me wanting to get back to writing - I've not written a word since this all started. (Again, see "nails") I'm looking forward to the wrap party this weekend, if only to see everyone one last time. I get why people thank the crews at the Oscars, etc. It's because they're all awesome. The movie is up on IMDB, but all the details aren't there yet. (Read: I'm not listed yet. They have to verify everyone before they get put up there.) And now I go exercise, as I'm feeling doughy and fat... <3 <3 <3!!!!!!