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Open letter to people unlikely to respond

Dear Haughty Blond Walking Past Me At The End of My Walk This Morning:

I'm so happy that you are in your black Spanx and bra top and Gucci (if I looked more closely, would I see they were knock-offs?) sunglasses, those big ol' Paris Hilton types. Your breasts were amazingly high, whoever did them?

My favorite thing ever is when people look me up and down and cock their eyebrow as they pass me. I LOVE IT. And I also love how easy your life is, that all you have to worry about is what's reflecting in the mirror. And the best thing about putting all of your "investment" into your looks is that it pays off for YEARS. Especially when you're 80 and all of you is hanging down to your knees, except your lucious breasts, which will still be sitting on your clavicle.

Also, lighten the fuck up. I like mouthing along to my mp3 player. Be glad I didn't stick my foot out and trip you. And finally, I bet I could beat you in a foot race. Living on celery and water and walking for 15 minutes isn't the definition of health.

Stronger, beefier, and happier with my body.

Dear Hot Nubian Hotness On The Riding Lawn Mower Down The Block From My House:

First, I want you to know how good looking you were. In case you didn't know. And if I was staring a bit, it's because it was a pleasant surprise. That's all. Ahem.

Second, you have no idea how happy it made me to a) not have someone look at me weird because I'm mouthing along to my mp3 player (seriously, people. WTF? ENJOY LIFE.) and b) that you KNEW THE SONG I WAS LISTENING TO. You rule. I'm putting you here last so that the image of the bitch with the dirty looks (probably because she's hungry. God bless black men and Latinos for loving women with curves. No, seriously.) is trumped by your awesomeness.

In conclusion: if you're a fighter, writer, biter, flame igniter, crowd exciter, or you wanna just get high, then just say it. But then if you're a liar, liar, pants on fire, wolf cry, agent wetter, whine, I'mma know it when I play it.

It's bigger than hip-hop/hip-hop,
The sweaty chick that will be thinking of you for the next few hours

Dear La Madeline French Bakery and Cafe:

I will not be seeing you today. I saw you yesterday, had a delicious Croque Monsieur, but as much as I want one today, I can't. We... have to end this sneaking around. It's not because of the Bitchy Blonde, and I'm offended you'd even say that. We...

Look. It's not you, don't ever let me hear that's what you're thinking! It's me. I know, it's cliche, but it's true. I've changed. It's vegetables. Fruits. Whole grains. They... they do the things I want. I know you said you'd try, but we both know health isn't something you're comfortable with. Comfort foods, high fat, that's what you like, and I get it.

I just need something...more. One day you'll look back on me eating your 1000 calorie tomato bisque with fondness, I will too. But this new recipe I have that has more licopene and less fat and calories? It's what I'm needing now. You'll forget me. One day.

And hey, if I can distract my new soup, I may sneak in for a raspberry chocolate croissant on occasion.

Too soon?
Slimmer hips and thighs


( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
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Oct. 10th, 2007 03:35 pm (UTC)
Re Haughty Blond of the Anti-Grav Chesticles - I always amuse myself by imagining the following: how many seconds it would take for me to snatch said Skanktastica and snap her in twain over my knee, like a piece of balsa wood.

I often find myself uttering the word "breakable" under my breath a lot on my daily commutes in the city...
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:44 pm (UTC)
HAHAHAHA. You know, what's awesome is that you probably COULD break them over your knee. I tell you what: I'll wear them out with some form of physical activity (because I'm the energizer bunny and can go and go and...) and then you can pick them up with your Karate strength (or is it Tae Kwon Do?) and break them into splinters.

Then we can go have a plate of quesadillas and margaritas, because we'll have earned it. :D
Oct. 10th, 2007 03:43 pm (UTC)
There's such drama in your neighborhood! All I get are cats and squirrels. Oh, and the sixty something grinning lawn guy, Mark, who does everyone's yard but ours. I want a Hot Nubian Hotness to perk up my day. Or a raspberry chocolate croissant *glares at plain yogurt with wheat germ and raisins*
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:42 pm (UTC)
I mean, come on! Normally it's all smiles and my "regulars" pushing strollers/running/biking that I see every day. What's with the ho?

OMG, the croissant is then rolled in powdered sugar. IT IS DEATH ON WHEELS. By which I mean: DELICIOUS.
Oct. 10th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
My favorite thing ever is when people look me up and down and cock their eyebrow as they pass me. I LOVE IT.

Oh, God! Oh, God! The other day in Starbucks, these two college aged girls took one look at my high heeled black boots and skirt combo and started giggling hysterically and whispering to each other. Um, hello? Standing right here? And my boots are veryhotthnxbuhbye. So I got my drink, pushed my sunglasses down onto the bridge of my nose (making sure the rock on my left hand caught the sun just so), sauntered over in my kicky boots, and said, "Nice flip flops. Old Navy?"


Yes, I'm pathetic.
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:35 pm (UTC)

Um, 1) that sounds like a TOTALLY CUTE outfit, for starters, and very Now and
2) ahahahaha, BEST RESPONSE EVER!!! Good for you.

I experienced the up and down stare EVERY DAY when I lived in Utah. I found it so incredibly rude. Still do! I applaud your response. That is seriously awesome.
Oct. 10th, 2007 03:46 pm (UTC)
When I go for my walks everyone says hi to me. Obviously due to my off-the-charts cuteness factor. Or my complete obliviousness to raised eyebrows.
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:36 pm (UTC)
See, I think that's why she stood out - I have a group of about five or so walkers/runners that I see every day and we always wave and say hello. One of them was gone for a while, and we passed each other and started up a convo, beginning with "Hey! I haven't seen you here in a while..."

I mean, it's Texas. We're all about the friendly smile. She's just uppity and bitchy. And I could totally take her on and win. I'm just sayin'. :D
Oct. 10th, 2007 03:57 pm (UTC)
Since Bible study was canceled last night I attempted to make an omelette similar to the crepe I had at La Madeline. It was. . . not as good. Good thing La Madeline does not have a bakery here because I would be there all the time, and that is not good for the ol' waistline.

If you run into Haughty Blonde again, punch her in the boob. I bet it'll deflate really fast. It might be fun to watch.

Also, I painted the back wall of my bedroom this color last night. (If the link doesn't take you directly to the color swatch, it's the sample second row from the right, 17 rows down--Faded Seafoam.) Hopefully I'll have pictures of it soon.
Oct. 10th, 2007 04:33 pm (UTC)
Pretty color.

You will be surprised when you come over next time. I put up draperies in the living room and kitchen, got some other new stuff for the living room, and bought a bench/table for the sectional in the media room so we have a place to put our drinks down. I am a dork and am going to email you pics.

We are HGTV muthas, yo.
... - southernbangel - Oct. 10th, 2007 05:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - a2zmom - Oct. 10th, 2007 04:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - southernbangel - Oct. 10th, 2007 05:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Oct. 10th, 2007 06:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 10th, 2007 04:07 pm (UTC)
Dear La Madeline French Bakery and Cafe:

Stoney is a heartless bitch. Come to my house and let me comfort you.

Your loyal cream puff,
Thinks slimmer hips and thighs are overrated

Oct. 10th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, I know, right? We should think about opening a La Madeline here. Of course, I would probably eat our profits.
... - stoney321 - Oct. 10th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 10th, 2007 04:21 pm (UTC)
You rock. :-D
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
And if I keep eating at this French bakery, I'll roll. :D
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:30 pm (UTC)
Mmmmm.... I'm stuck on tomato bisque. *mouths along with you*
Oct. 10th, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Dude, it is so good. Do they have those in El Paso? I think one of my friends stole their recipe... I'll see if I have any favors owed. :D

And serioulsly, what the what with people being weirded out by someone singing/humming along to themselves? JEEEZ.
... - cityphonelines - Oct. 10th, 2007 06:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Oct. 10th, 2007 06:59 pm (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 10th, 2007 07:42 pm (UTC)
Your going into winter aren't you? Shouldn't you be laying in stores of fat for the cold seasons so that you don't perish?

I'm now looking at my squishy winter body, thinking about wearing t-shirts, and sobbing quietly to myself.

Walking with an MP3 player is good times and I thoroughly approve - it's like dancing but in a straight line with slightly less arm flinging.
Oct. 10th, 2007 08:21 pm (UTC)
I'm getting ready to store up fat - it gets colder later here in Texas. It's still about 36-38 C. I'm ready for it to NOT BE THAT HOT, thanks. I think fudge and garlic potatoes should do the job nicely...

"but in a straight line with slightly less arm flinging" Hahahaha, you've not seen me speed walk! :D I'm a big fan of walking for exercise. Your tits don't bounce around, your knees don't ache, and you can conveniently pass by a bakery and pop out with a sweet treat and make it look like you meant to do that. Try running and eating a fruit tart!
Oct. 10th, 2007 08:34 pm (UTC)
I lip-synch to my ipod while walking to class and damn the person who looks at me badly. I never get why people care, when I see other people doing it (complete with a little dance) I think "Get on with your bad self!" I love it!.

Ooooh Nubian man. So want him to pop out from nowhere. But my mom always laughs at me because I will be singing in the car, and some guy at some stop will start pointing at me because I rock out so much. Whatever, music makes me happy!

Next time she give you the look trip away, she may fall and puncture a balloon!
Oct. 10th, 2007 08:58 pm (UTC)
See, that's how my sister and I are! I love seeing people grooving when walking/riding/driving. It makes me happy to see someone ELSE happy, you know? Pffft. Just a bunch of haters. :)
Oct. 10th, 2007 09:29 pm (UTC)
Sing out loud! Love my ipod for that. And since I have the ipod louder than it probably should be, I can't hear myself sing anyway!

Groove on!
Oct. 10th, 2007 09:43 pm (UTC)
80 year old with the high boobs? She's cheating with her best friend's husband

Hot singing lawn mower guy? A treat

La Madeline? I'll take their cream of MUSHROOM soup any day. Or on Tuesdays when they serve it. Whichever.

Don't sweat the small stuff. See ya!
Oct. 10th, 2007 10:51 pm (UTC)
Ahh, I love the smell of Bitches-Who-Are-Only-Jealous-Because-They-Have-To-Spend-Thousands-Of-Dollars-To-Look-As-Good-As-You-Do in the morning. It smells like bitterness and insecurity.

Damn you. Now I want baked goods.
Oct. 11th, 2007 02:38 am (UTC)
Forget mouthing along...I have rock concerts in my car during rush hour. How can people think iPod commercials are cool if they're not willing to follow through with spaz-y dance moves and off-key singing?

Seriously - this post is genius.
Oct. 11th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC)
I see people with their iPods, etc. strapped on and plugged in, and they have the most dour expressions on their face, and I imagine their listening to Rush Limbaugh, or the hog report from 1982.

And then I want to shake them and yell: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

... - stoney321 - Oct. 11th, 2007 03:39 am (UTC) - Expand
Oct. 13th, 2007 07:18 pm (UTC)
This is part of the reason why I love living in Seattle - I can walk the mile+ to my husband's office with my iPod going as loud as I can handle (which isn't very loud - I'm a wuss) and mouthing and dancing along, and people don't give a crap. It helps that I'm usually listening to my "Get Dancin'" mix, and it's impossible to listen to without putting a little extra swing in your hips. :)
Oct. 13th, 2007 08:45 pm (UTC)
And... isn't that the POINT of an iPod? To have music? Their commercials aren't just that - they are showing you how you should behave! :D
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( 38 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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