Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

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I Stand Before You With Dry Balls, Your Honor.

Oh, South Park. I love you. (I need to watch last night's ep again to try and figure out all the other imaginary cartoon creatures shown. I did see H.R. Puffinstuff at one point, which had me LOLing.

[ETA!] southernbangel is hosting a Love Meme where you can talk about people, things, your cat, delicious margaritas, whatever. Go, share some love and a smile. [/end PSA]

I also watched Hostel last night, and I know it came out a few years ago, but I'm always behind on movies. And while I found it a satisfying gore-fest, I did laugh at a few things. And then I spent all day writing this. Um... because I don't want to clean the house, what of it? Shamelessly stolen format, but you don't care about that, right? Right.



HOSTEL, in 15 Minutes (a.k.a: Pinocchio Gone Horribly, Horribly Wrong)


Eli Roth: Getting my Takashi Miike on! *big ups*
Opening Credits: Whistle while you work! *whistles, kicks a hand*
Amsterdam: Glistens like a fairy tale!
Weird Jerry Garcia Dope Seller: You boys wanna get Krunked?
American Boys: Do we! *coughs* *high fives*
Earnest American: B-b-but I have asthma! *rethinks*
W.J.G.D.S.: Also, like how we went from a true shot of Amsterdam to an Americanized fantasy version that doesn't exist? Just keep smoking.

Shot of Random American Tourist: Pukes on hard Amsterdam pot!
American Boys: Truly our older frat brothers did not lie!
Icelandic Dude: Let's be friends and travel together!
American Boys: Okay! This is completely normal!

Three Dudes: Behaving badly!
Discotheque: Full of tourists and hot European women!
Hot Euro Babes: We inexplicably like these American tourists.
Tall Hot Russian: Let's, how you say... fuck?
Earnest American: No, it Wouldn't Be Right.
T.H.R.: *boggles*
Earnest American: I'll tell my mommy that you wanted to put your dirty pillows on me, and she will give you such a piiiinch! *runs away* *inhaler*

Red Light District: We really do look like this!
American Boys: *adjust ties, gulp*
Whores: Why don't you come on up and see me sometime?
Dark-haired American: I look like the poor man's Mario Lopez! Let's DO THIS.
Earnest American: Wh-wh-wh-whores? Um.. my mother said never to-
Poor Man's Mario: I paid for it! *claps on back* Get it on like Donkey Kong!
Whore: Look at my symmetrical breasts!
Earnest American: *runs away, possibly wets his pants*

Hostel (no, not that one!): We have a curfew
American Boys: The fuck you say?
Icelander: I will sing Italian opera now! Perhaps they will, how you say... let us in?
Hostel (same not that one one) Guests: No we won't and how's about a beer bottle to the head to shut you up!

Random Euro Villager: Psst!
Three Boys: We will Romeo to your Juliet! *climbs trellis*
Drugged Couple In Room: We are having the most unbelievable sex in a movie ever, watch!
Icelander: You betcha!
R.E.V: 'Sup. Check out my ginormous schnozz.
Audience: Sorry, can't help but stare at your FACE MOLE, good lord.

Moley Russell Wart: You boys wanna fuck?
American Boys: ...
Melanoma Mouth: Not me, hot chicks.
Boys: Do we!
Hairy Growth: In Slovakia, the chicks line up to bone douchebags, er, Americans like you. Tell 'em Wart-n-Nose sent ya.
Three Boys Behaving Badly: Clappy Hands!
Slovakian Tourist Bureau: Oi! We respectfully disagree.
Slovakian Prostitute Council: Psssh, we don't!

Earnest American: If I don't get nine hours of sleep a day, I get fussy. *snooze on the train*
Icelander: I shaved my butt and drew a face on it! I am, how you say... comical?
Audience: ...comical. And we were told there would be torture?
Bored Audience Member: And... *hands at screen*
Audience: Ahh. *settles in*

German Businessman: *sits* Hey. Look at my daughter.
Three Boys Behaving Badly: We feel awkward after just talking about pounding chicks.
German Businessman: You looking to pound chicks?
Earnest American: Please don't offer your daughter...

German Businessman: I am aware of this random Slovakian town of which you seek! You will get, how you say... drilled?
Three Boys Behaving Badly: ...drilled. And talking about sex with a stranger is perfectly normal!
German Businessman: People should use their hands more. Say, one of you looks weak. And that means... *hands on boy's leg*
Earnest American: WHOA. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, whoa. Whoa. Seriously, whoa. Whoa. Just because I am weak and kind, that does NOT mean I like getting drilled. Whoa.
German Businessman: *cryptic* We'll see.
Orchestra: BUM BUM BUUUUUUM!
German Businessman: *hasty exit*

Hostel (finally!): I am idyllic!
Three Boys Behaving Badly: Wow. A Youth Hostel this clean? Our own rooms? Free???
Hostel: ... In a manner of speaking. Oh, you do have to share rooms.
Three Boys Behaving Badly: Okay, NOW you're crossed the-
Hot Euro Chicks Baring Their Boobs: Hey there, hot stuffs.
Three Boys Behaving Badly: -line. *GULP* We love Slovakia.

Brunette Hottie: I am naked. Let's meet in the spa for sexy times.
Blonde Hottie: I, too, am naked and very very tall. Spa? Sexy Times?
Three Boys Behaving Badly: *pulling shirts over their heads* Hot and wet, you say?
Hotties: Giggle! We are inexplicably attracted to you! We seriously could be models and you are all swarthy and short and douchey! Let's fuck!
Icelander: Look! I drew a face on my butt!
Hotties: We rest our case. Now for the spankings and oral sex!
Borat: Is nice!

Discotheque: Our patrons inexplicably wear the latest fashions and skinny jeans even though we are an impoverished country!
Slovakian Tourist Bureau: But charming!
Japanese Girls: Giggle!
Boys: Huh?
Japanese Girls: Tee Hee!
Boys: ...
Japanese Girls: Dammit, we are INTEGRAL. Quit looking at the Iron Curtain Babes and notice us!

Earnest American: This is too much, I haven't eaten any roughage, they are SMOKING in there, and some of those ladies will catch a chill in those revealing clothes!
Gang of Hooligans Under 12: Rawr!
Earnest American: Haha, aren't you fellas adorable.
Leader of the Pack: I want my two dollars!
Earnest American: You can't be serious. *tosses a dime*
Leader of the Pack: Didn't ask for a dime. Didn't ask for a dollar. TWO. DOLLARS.
Earnest American: GAAAH! *tosses half of wallet at the little sprites*


Meanwhile, back at the ranch club...


Hotties: Take this pill!
Boys: SURE. I mean, what could go wrong?
Dramatic Irony: American Tourists. Keeping me in business for decades.
Icelander: I am King of Swing! *exit*
American Boys: Can we get to the group sex?
Hotties: Sure! Don't mind our significant looks to each other...

Morning Dawn: Happens!
American Boys: Wha... wha? Comical relief Icelander?
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: No, he checked out at sthixth thisth morning.
American Boys: But he was comical! He drew faces on his butt!
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: *showsth ledger sthignature*
Japanese Girl That Looks Like Bjork: I have information! I told you I was integral.
Poor Man's Mario: Is that my friend and your friend on your picture phone that is a Razr™, who, incidentally, gave promotional support to this picture, or are you just glad to see me? They look odd. OH WELL. *whistles*

Museum of Torture: I am filler!
Foreshadow: No, you are me!
Obvious Person With Red Hood: LeapGrab! Ha ha.
Earnest America: *jumps out of skin* I could have had a heart attack, you guys. Or gotten a splinter! I am a very sensitive person and require gentle kid-gloves. *inhaler* When does Will & Grace come on?

Discotheque: More hot chicks with wanky American boys! It makes perfect sense!
American Boys: We are sad about our friend. But that won't stop us from getting some trim.
Hotties: Again, drugs and sex!
American Boys: Okee dokee!
Hotties: Have 15 shots while we watch - it's like the reverse of a frat party.
Earnest American: I hafta lie down, the room's all spinny.
Hotties: Significant look that could be nefarious or our bisexual lust, you decide!
Poor Man's Mario: I... dun pheel sew gud... *stagger* I go pee pee. *locks self in closet*

Earnest American: If I could only lie down, I'll feel better in the morning.
Film: *BLACK OUT*

Earnest American: Wha? Wha? I am handcuffed to a chair in a dank hole - was my credit card declined? I shoulda used Capital One...
Masked Someone: Whistle while you work...
Earnest American: I will pay you, lemme go, I'm getting chaffed and a stomach cramp, I didn't take my echinachea this morning, and if I don't eat every four hours, my hypoglycemia acts up and-
Masked Someone: REVEAL! It is I, the knee grabbing German Businessman, muah ah ah!
Earnest Someone: Whyfore you got all them shiny hurty things?
German Businessman: My torture devices: let me show you them.
Earnest American *emo kid is emo*

German Businessman: Remember me saying you could come here and get drilled? *Makita power drills to the thigh!*
Earnest American: But Honest John said we could have sex with freaky girls, and Lampwick's gone missing and-- *hee haaaaw!*
German Businessman: I drill your left shoulder, then I drill your right! Offer me money! Power, too, promise me that! *picks up scalpel*
Earnest American: Anything you want and more, please!
German Businessman: I want my father back, you son of a bitch!
Count Rugen: Hey! You don't even have six fingers!

Earnest American: GAH! It's not being shown, but you have sliced my Achilles!
Audience: THIS is what we came to see. What? Don't you go judging us!
German Businessman: Oh, hey. You can go. If you can WALK, muah ah ah.
Earnest American: I will attempt to crawl, forgetting that I could use my KNEES - but they get abrasions so easily, and I don't think they have any Bactine on hand and-
German Businessman: *grabs kid by hair*
Earnest American: Seriously, if I don't call my mother every three hours she'll worry, and I can pay you, no seriously! I am American and even though the dollar is valued less than the Euro-
German Businessman: Haha, stupid American! I don't want to be paid, for I am paying them! Auf Wiedersehen!

Poor Man's Mario: What the hell? I'm in a closet!
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: You checked out. Literally, asth well asth figuratively.
Poor Man's Mario: Uh... nuh uh.
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: Uh huh.
Poor Man's Mario: Nuh uh.
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: Uh huh, timesth sthixthty.
Poor Man's Mario: This is getting us nowhere. I need the Japanese Bjork.
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: She checked out.
Poor Man's Mario: Nuh uh!
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: Uh huh!
Poor Man's Mario: Okay, let's not do this. Where's my asthmatic, tender friend?
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: He checked out.
Poor Man's Mario: Oh, no he di'int!
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: Oh, yesth he did!
Poor Man's Mario: Are we seriously going to do this again?
Listhping Hosthtel Desthkman: We stheriosthly are. *givesth him back histh room key*

Poor Man's Mario: I am forlorn. A nap should do me some-HELLO!
New Hotties: Hi! We're naked, tee hee! How about drugs and sex, in that order?
Poor Man's Mario: De ja vu!
New Hotties: Spa?
Poor Man's Mario: I... I... *lightbulb!* Something is not right!
Miss Clavelle: Some-sing is quite wrong!
Audience: Took ya long enough...

Poor Man's Mario: I will use my Razr™ phone to track down my friend!
Ominous Smoking Tower: Belching smoke!
Poor Man's Mario: I'd give an arm and a leg to find my friends!
Dramatic Irony: *steeples fingers and waits*
Poor Man's Mario: Hmmmm. *checks Razr™ phone - yes, the badly photo-shopped picture is of Icelander and Japanese Girl in front of tower*
Orchestra: Bum bum BUUUUUUM!
Poor Man's Mario: I... never was able to do puzzles larger than 25 pieces. THIS IS TOO HARD FOR ME.
Gang of Hooligans: YOINK!
Poor Man's Mario: My Razr™! *beats up small child*
Movie Producers: Now where will our product placement come from?
Bubble Yum™: Ahem.

Creepy Iron Curtain Policeman: My face is trustworthy. Your friend is probably somewhere else.
Poor Man's Mario: Um... He's allergic to elsewheres.
C.I.C.P.: My sweaty pate and grey circles under my eyes should soothe you.
Poor Man's Mario: They don't.

Brunette Hottie: I am less hot without my expensive, and paid for, trappings
Random Villagers: Ominous and well cast!
Pub: Quaint. OR AM I?
Orchestra: Bum bum BUUUUUM!
Hotties: Oh, hi! *giggle*
Poor Man's Mario: Where my friend be?
Hotties: At art, how you say... exhibit?
Poor Man's Mario: ...exhibit. And he's allergic to art. Something about red dye #40 and gluten.
Hotties: Our bad deeds: let us show you them.

Brunette: *big bag of product placement* Gum?
Bubble Yum™: Cha-ching!
Large Warehouse: LOOMS.

Broken Window Panes? Check.
Black-clad European Males Standing About? Check.
Overtones of Post-War Poland? Double check.

Takashi Miike: Cameo!
Brunette Hottie: Remember how you American boys, how you say... objectified us?
Poor Man's Mario: Are you talking about how we used you for sex? Because that was for the both of us.
Brunette Hottie: Never mind. *giggle*

Poor Man's Mario: Dark, green-lit hallway? This is a terrible choice for art pieces!
Disembodied Voice: Whistle while you work! *vivisection a-go-go on Earnest American*
Poor Man's Mario: *coughvomit* He's allergic to non-surgical steel! And this is not a sterile environment!!
Brunette Hottie: *counting money* Bros before hos!
Euro Goons: Nab!
Poor Man's Mario: *dragged past torture rooms - with themes!* I don't think we're in Kansas anymore... Can I have the non-torture themed room? The one with the soft cushions? No? Damn.
Film: *BLACKOUT*

Poor Man's Mario: Blinded by my plight! Wrapped up in a noose, and handcuffed to a chair, no light!
Audience: Can... it stay dark for a bit? *bites nails*
Tension: How about I ratchet up a few notches...
Emeril Lagasse: BAM!
Tension: That's better.
Audience: No, seriously, let's leave the light off a bit. *more nail biting*
Poor Man's Mario: Breathing heavily! This is way worse than the hazing I got at Sigma Nu and the butt-cheek spreader, hogod...

Goon: *lights on!* Speak.
Poor Man's Mario: Uh..... huh?
Goon: *eyeroll* American.
Poor Man's Mario: No, no! I'm Canadian! I go roond and aboot the roof of the hoose! I'm soooooory!
German "Surgeon": Eeeeeeeexcellent. *garden fork to the American's thigh and belleh, wheee!*
Poor Man's Mario: *cries* This was not in "Let's Go! Slovakia!"

German Mr. Burns: Ich bin im Urlaub! Ich fühle mich schwach...
Poor Man's Mario: Sprechen Sie Deutsch and shattering the "stupid American" myth! Also, Können Sie mir eine Narkose geben? Ich habe Durchfall! Wo sind die Toiletten?
German Mr. Burns: *wavers* *flashes back to Pulp Fiction*
Goon: Bring out the gimp!
Poor Man's Mario: Ball gag'd!
German Burns: *chainsaw brrrrrap!* Don't need those fingers, eh?
Poor Man's Mario: I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!
Ball Gag Translation: MMMMPH VOMIT MMMPHGRRRBLE! *removed*

Poor Man's Mario: Loosening up the bar holding my handcuff bit by bit! Heroes never quit! Quitters never win! Attica!!
German Burns: How about a taste auf mein saw to your naughty bits? *slip'd on blood!*
Chainsaw: Nom nom nom nom. Mmmm, tastes like streudel!
German Burns: Smithers! Assistance! The automatronatron is cutting me to ribbons!
Poor Man's Mario: Al...most...there.... *reaching for FINGERS, not sweet, sweet escape!*
Audience: WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!
Poor Man's Mario: Al...most...there....
Audience: No, seriously. Is there some ice machine and bucket room we don't know about? Care flight? Dude, take the gun and GO.
Poor Man's Mario: Got 'em! *takes gun and puts on Manticore helmet, wtf?*
Goon: Monty? *shot'd!* *twice!*

Poor Man's Mario: I'll just hide in this room...
Dead Bodies: 'Sup! *flop*
Poor Man's Mario: I will have an ingenious plan of hiding under these bodies to escape! *takes off Manticore helmet*
Hunchback of Hostel Wame: If only that damned gypsy would have chosen me to love... *shovels body parts into incinerator
Large Ominous Tower: Belch.

Body Parts: Hijinks time! Falling off cart, creating tension for PMM's discovery, eventually being chopped to bits!
Poor Man's Mario: My fingers have fallen, and they can't burn up! *gropes*
Audience: NOT AGAIN. DUDE. SERIOUSLY.
Poor Man's Mario: Haha, got them! Also... brick to Igor's head ftw! *escapes*

Euro Goons Everywhere: Menace!
Locker Room: I am clean and offer a lengthy shower and change of clothes!
Poor Man's Mario: Done and done! *pulls glove over mangled hand, FORGETS FINGERS.*
Audience: See? We told you there were no ice machines, buckets, or care flights! Tchah!

Poor Man's Mario: What is this business card telling me everything I needed to know? Huh. At least Americans are worth the most money here.
Audience: UM. Missing the point, bro.
American Hunter: Barging in! WHOOOOOO!
Poor Man's Mario: Um...
American Hunter: WHOOOOOO! Hoooooo doggy! Gonna kill something, whooo!
Poor Man's Mario: Um... yay?
American Hunter: You're effin' right, yay! How awesome is it? Fucking awesome, amirite? WHOOOOO!
Poor Man's Mario: Um... wabbit season?
American Hunter: Yeah, no- WRONG. DUCK SEASON, mother fucker! WHOOOOO! *exits*

Poor Man's Mario: Time to get with my getting!
Audience: FINALLY. Jesus!
Jesus: I had nothing to do with this. God!
God: Yes, my son?
Jesus: Sorry, just... Go back to bingo, Dad. I got this.

Poor Man's Mario: I got my scarf jauntily tied? Suit straight? Hair jelled? I'm good to-
Japanese Bjork: Scream that miraculously can be heard all over the compound!
Poor Man's Mario: -go. But I'm an American Hero, so I can't go until I have Saved The Girl! *fucking goes back inside!*
Audience: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO US! What is wrong with you!?

J-Bjork: Screams!!
American Hunter: Whoo hoo!! *blow torches fer Amerka!*
Poor Man's Mario: WABBIT SEASON, BITCH! *blows the mutha fucka away with his OWN GUN, aw yeah*
J-Bjork: Wail! Cry! Hysterical screaming as he was using that torch to my FACE AND EYE!
Eyeball: Hanging on her cheek!
Poor Man's Mario: Here, I'll save you! *twitches* *cuts off eyeball with nail scissors*
J-Bjork: Ahhhhhhh!! *orange goo'd*

Euro Goon: Which way did he go?
Poor Man's Mario/J-Bjork: Fleeing!! With your car, bitchez!
Goons: D'oh!
Van: Parked in the middle of an alleyway, blocking you!
Poor Man's Mario: CAR HONK FOR GOD'S SAKE!!
Van: Slooooooooowly moving to reveal HOTTIES AND MOLEY RUSSELL WART, WTF!

Brunette Hottie: *looks up* Oh, shi--!
Car: BLAMMO! RUN OVER! BROKEN NECK MAKING! Menage a trois of death, euro trash!
Hotties: Dies! And are dead!
Growth McTumor Lip: Ditto!

Escape Car: Careening through narrow streets!
Gang of Hooligans: We are 8 and are menacing! No, really!
Poor Man's Mario: Bag of gum on my car seat... *lightbulb!*
Goons in Cars Chasing Them: What is this? A gang of hooligans that are 8, menacing and... chewing Bubble Yum™?
Bubble Yum™: Cha-Ching!* * Bubble Yum™ does not endorse hooliganism

Gang Leader: *pops bubble* That guy that looks like the dude from Dancing With The Stars, but with far better acting range, said you have my two dollars.
Goon: Huh. I didn't think you hooligans would have any lines--AUUUUUUGH!
Gang O'Hooligans: Beats like unwanted children! Smashes skulls like pumpkins! Re-enacting that Michael Jackson video with the car smashing, but with believability of violence!
Leader: *blows bubble within bubble* Cool, also, statement about violent societies begetting more violence.
Audience: That is... surprisingly deep for a gore-flick. Huh. Well done, sirs.

Poor Man's Mario: Come on, J-Bjork! Let us abandon the car and take the train, the one surrounded by dirty cops and goons!
J-Bjork: Zombie walk of sorrow at ugliness. No one will notice my melted face on this crowded platform...
Dirty Cops: We are in on EVERYTHING! Slovakia cannot be trusted, muah ah ah!
Slovakia Tourist Bureau: We respectfully disagree, you fucking Americans!

J-Bjork: *sees reflection* Nope, mine is a culture - apparently - that values looks above all else. Or something. *leaps onto train tracks in front of oncoming train!*
Train: Ever wonder what happens to copper pennies on train tracks? Make that a body and you've got the right idea KERSMASHBLOOD.
Poor Man's Mario: Nooooooooooo! Oh, well. *boards train*

German Businessman: Say, I'm repeating a line from earlier about hands from before.
Poor Man's Mario: Oh. No. He. DI'INT. *plots*
German Businessman: *exits train* Time to make tinkle!
Poor Man's Mario: IN HELL. *locks bathroom door*

German Businessman: I cannot go potty unless I imagine Poppa loving me... *strains*
Poor Man's Mario: Say, can you pass me a square of t-p? Oh, and CUTS OFF FINGERS, MAFUCKER!
German Businessman: No, Poppa! I mean, young American!
Poor Man's Mario: How about a taste of some Schweinshaxe mit Blaukraut und Bludwurst? Mother fucker? *toilet swirlies*
German Businessman: Look at the blood! It makes flowers...
Poor Man's Mario: Flowers... in hell! Hey, ever had a Columbian Necktie? *cuts*
German Businessman: Come Uppance'd! *dies*

Poor Man's Mario: *deep, shaky breath* And now... back to LAW SCHOOL. *straightens tie*

*END*
Tags: 15mm, funneh, movies
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