Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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Religion rant, and a question for you

So, most of you know that I'm writing about growing up in the Mormon church, both for NaNoWriMo and potential publication. In researching data to bolster my memories, etc. I came across one of the most bizarre things ever as "proof that the Book of Mormon" is historically, archaeologically, geographically, language-ography (is there a word for a language being an actual language?) truthful.

(For the record: no it isn't. Um, it's been shown time and again to be made up, those civilizations didn't exist, the purported language used is an amalgam of multiple other languages, and on and on. Also? Native American DNA isn't related IN ANY WAY to the Jews. Uh... that's what they believe. *cough*)

So, for those familiar with the story, a young man named Joseph was visited at night once a year for four years, instructed on his new lot in life as translator for "A New Testament of Jesus Christ," aka the Book of Mormon. In upstate New York, Joseph dug into a hill (Cumorah) and pulled out of a reinforced box - built into the hillside - a "book" made of gold plates. This book would be translated *cough* and become the 531 pages describing in excruciating detail of the mysterious and ancient people (this is the ONLY record of their "existence," mind) of the Americas. 531 paper pages are heavy enough, but these were on GOLD. PLATES. Lately, I've seen reference to this being changed from gold to a tin/copper alloy. <-- a world of what the fuck? This is 600BC. Tin and copper alloy.

But that's not the crazy stuff. The craziness is this - that those golden (possibly tin/copper alloy) plates were bound (and this is the important part!) with D-RINGS. Which shows that truly, God works in mysterious ways, for he made the Jewish Indians (of which there is but one record that no one has EVER laid eyes on and God took back to heaven with him) the original inventors of... a holy Trapper Keeper.

Yea verily! Behold the ribbed metal prongs - made cleverly of a tin/copper alloy that lo, wast smelted in vast pottery containers. Clear your hearts and fingers, for when the mighty d-rings snap closed, and yea verily I do sayeth unto you that thou wilt be caught unawares and feel a mighty pinch upon your flesh, and the flesh of your fathers if they do stand near unto you, for I am mighty and have giveth unto this, my Lost Tribe, the power and keeping of the Trapper, until time doth end and the judgment begins.

And divers others shall come forth with their circular binders, their copper-tin alloy that doth split in twain once it hast been threaded through a hole, and folded back not unlike the palm fronds to split apart with a high wind. But these are not welcome in my sight, for they were not brought forth unto the multitudes by my Jewish Indian engineers. Of which there is but one record, and I, the Lord your God, am sorry to sayeth that thou are filthy in thine soul, not unlike the swine and the swineherd who does tend the swine, and thou canst see it never. Nyaheth nyaheth nyaeth. I am the Alpha and the Omega of Mead.

~The Second Book of Caucasians 15: 2-3

This guy goes on to show that there were patents given 10 whole years after Joseph dug up and translated the book, which... what's his point? That Joseph should have been given the patent? The Jewish Indians should have? Because if it's the first, I will be SO HAPPY, because that means JOSEPH invented them (and they weren't found, ahem) and that just strengthens the whole "uh... you believe WHAT?" side of the argument. What I get from his going on about patents being awarded "after the fact" is that LOTS of people had that same idea for D-rings to bind paper. It's highly plausible that a guy visiting printing offices routinely would be exposed to PAPER BINDING ITEMS. Also: everyone awarded a patent for versions of the D-ring were in the PRINTING BUSINESS.'s not just me, right? You can see this, too? Or are you getting something else from his nattering on about patents? (Also, it takes FOR.EV.ER. for patents to go through, especially back then. Also, all the patents from July 1790 to July 1836 issued from the main building - it used to be ONE person that handled the nation's patents - were destroyed by fire. So people had to resubmit their patents. A lot of them were never recovered/resubmitted and are called the X-Patents.)

Finally: OCCAM'S RAZOR, PEOPLE. (The simplest answer is usually correct.) This is a lot of dancing and a lot of rig-a-morole to just say that you're justified in believing some wackadoo crap. And for the record: I used to believe WHOLE HEARTEDLY in this crap. And then I got smart. Yay, me! Wow. D-RING BINDERS!!! The hell?
Tags: rant, religion
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