I start getting surreptitious texts after an hour with things like "this guy told me how much $ he makes - I make more. Whys he bragging?" and "he wants me to check out some club." I'm laughing my ass off, then about... ten minutes later I get: "omg hes gay. he likes me. wtf?" I haven't heard back on how he handled it, but knowing him, I'm sure he apologized a LOT to this Sailor and probably let him know that if he was gay, a military man would totes be his type.
It's cute when people are all innocent like that. :D Now, on to the bad!fic!
(Yes, I read a line from a fic that indicated the female had shaved her CLIT. People... *hands* I'm not saying to sit on a mirror, but CHRIST.
We were both covered in a film of sweat, and the lenses of our glasses were coated with moisture (we were so into it we forgot to take off our glasses)
Okay, as a glasses wearer (pls see icon) I can tell you that the FIRST thing you do when getting sexed, is to remove them. Also, I always think of Judy Blume's Forever where Ralph made a point of taking his glasses off every time they got freaky. Oh, and glasses are a lot like socks: you look odd when nude and only have that on. Finally: where do they think they are, the Amazon? They fogged up their glasses in the winter in Germany (where this takes place.) Nein! Gott en Himmel.
So, confession time, this is a fic about the band "Rammstein" (dude, I'm not gonna lie to you. I love me some BDSM German metal lml -_- lml This is maybe the most NSFW videothey have. Buck dich = Bend over, and crap I LOVE THAT SONG!!) and the Mary Sue, er, protagonist is lovingly described as the perfect mate for the keyboardist because "[He had a] disease that was discovered by Hans Asperger, a famed physician in German history. Because she was a science buff like he was, she completely understood him in ways in which other girls couldn't."
*head desk* Science buff. "OMG, like, do you guys wanna hang out and look up social disorders and shit? My mom's gonna order us some pizza and then we can cross reference PDDs! It'll be bitchin
The best understatement about life in Communist Berlin pre-1988 in a fic goes to this one with: "life in East Germany could be rough at times." Sometimes in Soviet Russia when you couldn't get food for days, it was all irritating and shit, too. God.
Also, I especially enjoyed the "Germenglish" that happens throughout this particular story: "Ja, we did," "Nein!!! Really?" and "Mein Gott! I'm late for practice!" Because German people speak English when home in Germany, but with German accents. Just like in the movies! And I am imagining some sad sack goth/metal borderline kid taking first year Deutsch, and has been turned on to bands like the Dead Kennedys and Marilyn Manson. Awww. Being 14 is hard, y'all.
Why sex with a science buff can... suck. And not the good way:
"She especially loves him to be vocal, explaining what physiological changes are happening in his body."
YES. And what you think is going to happen IS going to happen. Watch! But first, our Mary Sue gets help with her CALCULUS from the musician - is it just me, or that the lamest fantasy ever? - then they get frisky dingo. They're in her penthouse suite in Communist Germany (natch, an American would score those digs in Berlin in the mid-80s) and she takes a birth control pill, which frightens Flakenchen (her nickname for the musician.) He worries that he didn't see her take them the first time they "made love," and could she be pregnant?
She tells him "Nein. I was lucky though. You could have impregnated me if I was fertile".
We'll skip the period on the outside of the quote marks. That's the least of our problems.
- "She was gazing into his eyes as they appeared to be electric blue" (spice!)
- "huh...could you..huh..put your legs farther up my sides...bitte..bitte" (People. "HUH." No. Stop it. Bitte bitte. :D)
- "Each stroke he gave her felt like his penis was saying, " I love you...I love you..I love you". (If a penis begins speaking to you, possibly you ingested some acid, maybe Quaaludes. Get some Vitamin C in you, and lie down in a comfortable spot until it passes, maybe put on some Carpenters or Air - something mellow is what's needed.)
- "he shot geysers of seminal fluids inside her" (Geysers?! I certainly hope they put a rubber sheet down first. Bitte.)
- "She suddenly exploded, gushing about a liter of fluid all over the bed sheets" ( Now I'm getting worried for those Communist hard wood floors, too. They can't stand up to liquids like Socialist tile, you know.)
- "Endorphins in my brain are taking me over. It's my turn baby"
- After reflecting on his vital signs, he slid his penis into her all the way. (And now I get a chance to type sphygmomanometer and feel smart.)
- "Mein engel, you feel so good..huh huh..I love how you're so tight around my penis..sending pleasure throughout my body" (Okay, enough with the "huh huh." I'm imagining some dumb ass trying to laugh. We don't fuck the mentally challenged, you guys.)
- huh huh...I'm producing massive amounts of oxytocin and...huh...endorphins in..my brain...oh..it's getting so hot..." (I'M NOT KIDDING ABOUT THE HUH HUH. QUIT. HUH.)
- He looked at her and said, "huh..my seminal fluids are mixing together..collecting in my prostate gland..huh" *bangs head on desk*
It's like the Germanic version of Professor Frink from The Simpsons. "Glavin! I've re-dorkulated in my positron!"
We change gears and leave Communist Berlin and bid it Auf Weidersein Huh. (Oooh, and next time you're watching Project Runway, say "huh" instead of "Auf" every time Heidi opens her mouth.)
The "Possibly You're Being Too Rough On Her, If Your Words Have a Physical Affect" Category:
"His answer had both surprised her and scarred her"
The 'Draco's Whiteness Now Exceeds Spike's Knife blade Cheekbones' Category:
"His teeth were glinting in the sunshine, but his skin was even whiter." Or possibly Draco drinks a lot of coffee, and this isn't actually an issue.
The 'What the Hell Were You Trying To Say Here?' Category, Gold Medalist:
"He pointed to a large collection of vessels filled with lovely tinctures worthy of any girl’s thickly lashed orbs."
What? Are you trying to indicate pigmintation? THEN SAY IT.
The "Is That Gillyweed In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Breaking Out In Boils' Category:
Draco was feeling around Harry’s robe for the jar. [...] Draco’s fingers came across something that he thought was the jar. Suddenly there was a crash and gillyweed spewed across the floor, but the mysterious bulge remained in Draco’s fingertips.
The 'Let's See How Many Dune References I Can Find In One Day' Category:
"There was a strange glow in Draco’s eyes" (Gillyweed is the spice. The spice is gillyweed!)
The Silver Medalist in the 'What the Hell Were You Trying To Say Here?' Category:
"Harry moved closer and licked the warm, red liquid off of Draco’s two blushing pilgrims." (Why are eczema-covered Calvinists suddenly in this story? Do they have delicious marinara sauce on them, hence the licking?)
A little hair gel would have worked better, I think.
"Draco’s hair started coming out of its mold." (Those pilgrims must have brought some anti-bacterial cleansers, or something.)
*touches ear piece* No, it seems there's been a huge upset in the WTHWYTTS Category. A HUGE UPSET! We have a new GOLD MEDALIST!
Harry’s cow popped out of the barn door and mooed dangerously. And then, quite simply, Draco began milking the cow.
(See girls? He can get the milk for free. We didn't read that Harry was made an honest woman, did we?) WHY IS HARRY'S DICK MOOING? Please see help mentioned above for Penis Talking. Possibly you need to put on "Knights in White Satin" and hold a sleeping puppy for added mellow.
I DON'T THINK SO. YOU NEED TO PUT THE KEYBOARD AWAY.
"Draco pulled Harry’s robe off and swirled his tongue in the soft baby rolls of Harry’s stomach." No. NO!!!
"No Draco, don’t ruin this moment with words." Why couldn't the author follow her own advice?
After "milking Harry's cow," ripping Harry's pants off, throwing him (literally!) across the room and climbing on top of him, also naked, Harry thinks to himself: "Harry knew Draco wanted to go all the way" What tipped him off, I wonder?
And lastly, a really weird, over-thought crappy fic with waaaaay too many food references and is absolute nonsense. Get ready for Prime Time Bad Fic, y'all.
- "Sappiness welled up in her blue eyes of liquid." (Liquid eyes? Sappiness? )
- "Silence fell on the kitchen like a diaphanous veil, and the indented lights' low hum on top of Ashley filled the vacuum of stillness." (This is a story about an Ivy League chick boning a frat boy and a guy from the car shop. Like that video with Christy Brinkley and Billy Joel, but with like... Luke Wilson thrown in. And every Thesaurus you can find. What the hell are "indented" lights?)
- "Ashley's whisper broke the quiet like a pebble a crystalline lake" Chee chee chee hah hah hah hah! <-- possibly only funny to me. (Camp Crystal Lake? Bueller? Where's the word "on" in that sentence? Did it leave when the leaving was good? I can't blame it.)
- "Ashley crossed from the l of Logan's counter to the __ of Jake's." (Am I stoned? Are you? Is she? What is happening?!?!)
- "Logan felt his heart scrambling like an eggbeater" (Huh huh. Bitte, please stop the analogies, Author. Your words are like the unseen dog leavings on the sidewalk of fiction, and my shoe is the reader.)
- "If I catch either of you punching, kicking,or strangling the other, I'll stop dating whomever of you does that." (Good to see she has standards!)
- "Ashley took three dainty steps and turned. "Second, you are to freestyle wrestle," (WHAT AM I READING HERE? huh huh? Also, why the en pointe walking?)
- "How about the loser having to suck the winner's dick for a whole minute?" Wait, a whole minute? I knew wrestling was gay, but a whole minute? Hee!
- "his thick-lipped eyelids" (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. His thin-lidded mouth, on the other hand... His lobed nostrils, his hairy uvula... This guy's a catch! )
- "Jake squatted and unzipped his black running shoes.The sneakers wailed like a baby." (I am utterly and completely lost. This freaking thing needs a road map.)
- "But to initiate and repel wrestling moves with a nearly naked guy seemed too gay for Logan's comfort." (But the dick sucking - for one whole minute! - isn't gay AT ALL.)
- "Jake wailed like a teenager" (Not a toddler? Or wailed like black tennis shoes?)
Okay, and now we enter, The Twilight Zone. There is absolutely no need for my commentary here. Just... It makes NO SENSE!
- "Logan rolled Jake away, mounted the moist dough of bread from the rear, and interlocked his legs with the dork's."
- "Disgust gripped Logan like a mother shaking her unruly child.
- "His fury ignited like hay in a wildfire.
- "Logan pressed his wiener against Jake's rump slit
- Logan's stomach turned as if to an addled egg.
- "God! Am I ready," Ashley fluted orgasmically.
- The shaft of Jake's dong hovered above the hills of Logan's pecs. It was swollen as the belly of a super-jumbo airliner.
- Jake's wiener entered Logan's mouth like a salmon re-diving into the ocean.
- But the smell of pubes and the taste of tuna was too much to shut out. (okay, is he sucking dick or eating chicken of the sea?)
- Jake pulled his dick out and rammed it back inside. He was--literally--drilling through ice. ( Literally!!! Hahaha!)
- He pulled Logan's hair as though it were spaghetti.
- Jake's overgrown thumb reentered Logan's mouth.
- Jake released Logan's hair and dismounted him. "That's all folks." (Uh, dibby dibdib dibby dibdib, uh that's all folks!") [/Porky Pig]
- I noticed how you licked my shaft and wad head." (Wad. Head.)
- The threesome knelt on the cinnamon sheets. (That's a new one.)
- Logan shucked his pants down, exposing his sausage-in-tortilla.
- His banana dangle foreboded seven inches at full mast. (AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We have a winner for the WORST AUTHOR EVER, Y'all!)
- "So, big shot. Aren't you gonna butter my hot dog for penetration?"
- Jake raised his eyeballs toward Logan's eyes. (Why aren't they in his eye sockets?)
- Jake's skin tone put the nitwit at a "disadvantage," for compared to Logan's orange-peach chest, Jake's chest was pale-cream. Clearly, Jake had to be the guy to give head. (No. Sense.)
- The branch of a candelabra cactus, Jake's curved dick kept growing toward the sunlight. (Aww, like a sunflower! But with... thorns.)
- On Logan's balls, Jake's tongue felt like ham.
And now! The shortest blow job ever.
Jake licked the shaft, sucked the head, and flicked the sides. Tiny bubbles sizzled inside Logan's nuts. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand SCENE. *starts a slow clap* You guys, the brilliance of this. It's ZEN.
Now if you don't mind, I'm off to never eat lunch again, while wailing like a pair of black tennis shoes.