For the newly initiated: no drinks. No bosses. No children. No brains. (You'll thank me later.)
Okay, forget anime, furry fics are the new home of crap. (I mean, duh, right?)
"Everywhere he looked muscles bulged out. His pecs, straining for space on his chest, looked like inch and a half like minicocks"
And awAAAaaaaAAAAY we go! Okay, I'm concerned first and foremost about the smallness and shape of the normally wide (and flat) pectoral muscles. Perhaps they meant nipples? Which, still. Minicocks? Also: I call abuse on overusing the word "like."
"the fur under his pits even more matted and damp with sweat"
Matted, sweaty pit fur. I don't know about y'all, but I am HOT. Or possibly naseous.
"consuming his CockOil"
Personally, I find CanolaOil leaves a better after-taste, such as Wesson. (It has such Wessonality!) But when I'm frying up chicken, peanut oil is- What? They don't mean cook oil? COCK. Cock oil. All one word like that?
"ass working like some diabolical mouth"
I actually approve of the use of "diabolical" here. The rest... not so much.
"his foreskin suddenly doubled in size and struck like a snake."
I hate it when that happens. Steve Irwin, you left us too soon. "Crickey, mate, look at this byooo'y!" *grabs it by the tail and flings it far, far away* "You're far safer dealing with crocodiles and western diamondback rattlesnakes than trouser snakes when eet flayres up like that."
In the "I Hate People" Category
"Both kids were aged four and five. However, even at this young age they were very sexually active."
Please talk to a therapist. S/He'll have a "bad touch" doll. It's okay to show them where it hurts. It is not okay to then "become sexually active" with said doll, no matter how much you may "love" teddy bears and baby dolls.
I think HorseFucker (excuse me: HorseGentleCaresser) is writing fanfic. Please set aside all bags of oats. This is a loving yiff tale (look it up) about a fur-lover being done by... a unicorn. But not in the traditional sense. (Traditional being a female virgin, and the uni-corn coming into hymenal play.) Why it needed to be a unicorn is between the author and their Lord.
- he wasn't nobody's bitch (the grammar! It's giving me hives)
- yummy, yummy, yummy I've got dick in my tummy (one: I apologize for the ear worm. two: If the dick is in your "tummy" *points to the base of your ribcage* YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.)
- the unicorn goes back to his delight, kneading the man's genitals still, in his one paw (one: his "delight?" Did the Snow Queen show up with snacks? two: PAW. On an equine. Alrighty then.)
- he'd never known a bisexual equine could have such an experience (SO SAY WE ALL.)
Well, it's getting close to voting time, so let's delve into the Presidential Porn. How about the second hottest imaginable* President/Vice President slash butt play story ever? That's right, Clinton/Gore. The title is even HILARIOUSLY CLEVER: Clinton Gored Gore. Oh my goodness, what wit! Now on to the butt sex.
"Bill again gave his thick shaft a hood squeeze" which really, is a far cry from a trunk tug.
"His hand then slid inside the fly, and started squeezing Bill's lube-drooling dick" How many times must it be said? DROOLING IS NOT A SEXY WORD.
" 'Hey, Al, how about a good, hot, ' 69 ' on the floor? ' Hearing that, Al had to laugh, 'What, I have to fuckin' asked?' " That last one is almost Cajun in brilliance. Will/did. Awesome. Also, the thought of those two boning hot, amirite?
- Clinton was a real ass hound, and he noisily slurped away at Al Gore's beefy, hairy ass
- beefy nuts
- fat country-boy cock (and here I thought urban boys had the thick dicks, go figure!)
- Presidential pud
Kids: every time you suck Al Gore's beefy nuts, or pull a Presidential pud, a polar bear dies. An Inconvenient Truth, but truth nonetheless. (Did you see what I did there? Didja? *kills self*)
*the hottest Pres/VP couple ever was clearly Taft/Sherman. I mean, that Walrus-'stache on Taft? It wasn't a soup strainer, if you catch my drift.
The Purple Prose Olympics
*announcer whispering into microphone* We have a new contestant from the country of Nifty.org. Let's watch!
"the slick dick slides through him like agony-laced despair"
And from our judges: 8.4, 8.2, 8.6, oooh, good showing! We'll come back to the other contestants after a word from the small, but shockingly awful fandom, The DaVinci Code!(for audience members that have yet to see/read the fantastically awful Dan Brown book, here's a summary.)
It's Albino/Priest fluffy BDSM fic time! You can lovingly and tenderly cut off someone's blood supply, y'all. I think of that and I think rainbows and kittens and ice cream sammiches. *draws hearts in the blood*
- "could it be his beloved father-figure-of-a-dingy-Spanish-arroz con pollo-priest?" (One: rice with chicken? I am very, very confused. And hungry. Two: He's a priest; he IS a Father. Three: why is he dingy? You're the albino with the barbed wire around your leg, Bleedy McHemoglobin)
- "Nay! He mustn't be nekkid" (I shit you not, this is how it was written.)
- "a chortle filled the blood-stricken air" (Why does the air have an immune system? Personally, I'd be interested in some grief-stricken air. Or woe-filled wind. Or a frustrated fart.)
- "members of the Vatican rarely use the bathroom. This is a known fact." (In the interest of science, I checked this fact. I did not find anything supporting this - let's face it - theory on Papal poops. I did, however, find this groan worthy joke.)
You know what's hot in that "dear god, no it isn't. At all. NO." way? Mouth and Stefi from Goonies doing each other, with Mikey and Andi having amazing first time sex in a cavern next to them. (And now I'm singing "Oh my darlin' Clementine" now.) Wait, no, just thought of something worse than this: Chunk/Sloth fisting/baby play. Why does my brain work this way?!?!
Stef / Mouth:
- her pussy was rattier than she would have liked (SO SAY WE ALL. And does anyone like any degree of poon rattiness?)
- the cool interior of the cave had forced her nipples into icy stumps, which had both good and bad aspects (Nope. I've read this over and over, and cannot find ANY GOOD IN ICY COLD NIPPLE STUMPS. Stumps = one of the most unsexy words ever. Stump. Kids these days!)
- Mouth panted anxiously, quickly ramming his cock into her with enthusiastic force. "Ungh, it's great!" (Hey now, Mouth. Tony the Tiger fic is coming. Don't steal his thunder. Also, shocking that you, a 12 year old, can bone like a pro.)
Andi / Mikey:
- "That's her thing!" he thought excitedly as it trailed scented oil up his leg. (one: Dimes to donuts it's a vanilla scented Renuzit oil. Renuzit, Uuuuuuse it! two: fingers trail. Pussies do not act the same. three: if you can't call it by its name, you shouldn't be allowed near one.)
- Mickey's eager shaft brushed her maiden's mark. (Why is a teen girl carrying alcohol? Oh, that's Maker's Mark. Clearly I'm in need of a drink. Or fourteen.)
- stiff meat plowed through broken womb (*checks broken record* Nope, still playing. "If it's in the WOMB, you've GONE TOO FAR." )
- his lover's wet gratitude (AHAHAHAHA!!! That's a hell of a euphemism for a girl climaxing. Wow.)
- her red flower sucked gently on Mikey's prick
Oh, that's a bad break for the Goonies, dropping the purple prose at the very end. That's going to cost them. Judges?
7.3, 7.8, 7.1
Ooooh,bad luck for the Goonies, and they were giving a terrific performance up until that last slip. The judges were hoping they'd make "his man seed/staff" stick the landing. Tough break. They're going to finish their run, though, like the champions they are:
[he sneaked] her damp panties into his back picket (what's a fence got to do with any of this? Although... gives a new meaning to "white washing" badumbumCHING! I'll be here all week.)</i>
USE YOUR WORDS. But like... better than shown here. Please.
- Perhaps I should seek council elsewhere. (we all like looking for committees, am I right?)
- "Oh God! Eat Me!" She bellowed. (one: this isn't Mary Magdalene porn, sadly. Yes, I went there. two: Bellowed? That makes me think of a deep, loud voice. Uh... not sexy on a nymphette. "What a lovely, deep, masculine voice you have there, Jane. Goodness, it rivals my own!" "Why, thank you, Roger.")
- "Jane doesn't want Tarzan's jungle juice inside her to make a baby." (one: this isn't Tarzan/Jane porn. Sadly?) At 18 years of age, she had a maturity and a joie de vivre that easily eclipsed her two older sisters. (two: boys are fucking dumb. Present company aside.)
- [she] sucked my cock with an expertise that is acquired only from first hand knowledge, no pun intended. (one: you intended it, coy mother fucker. two: it's a BLOW job, not a HAND job, so it isn't a pun. Tchuh.)
- I took a shower, shaved for the second time that day, took some Beano for gas (WHAT?!?! When did flatulence become an important part of story telling? Pardon, flatulence CONTROL?)
- "Here it comes." I bellowed. (one: the period belies your bellowing, Sir. BELIES. two: I love the idea of saying "Here it comes" when climaxing. But say it like Chris Farley in "Tommy Boy:" Here comes the Meat Wagon! Whee OOO Whee OOO! *chuffs stogie* Oh. My. God." I'm cracking myself up, regardless.)
No, that isn't the sound of a howling wind at your eaves. It's the sound of your childhood being blown mercilessly away.
The header for the Winnie the Pooh SNUFF fic I read:
I'm really not as looney as you might think after reading this. but again, maybe I am, how would you know?
We know, because we HAVE EYES. And you put this on the internet. Where others with eyes can see.
"But Owl did not need a bell-rope, I said, because he can fly through the wood at night in the dark and watch as the lovers suck cock in the park."
No. NO HE CAN NOT, you foul besom!
I do love you bear, Christopher Robin said rubbing Pooh's rod.
She... she means his fishingpole, yes? *cries* I don't want to hear the voices, Mommy. Side note, I'm actually surprised I've not come across any Roo/Tigger porn. I mean, think of the Tigger song: "the tops are made outta rubber, the bottoms are made out of spring!" See, this is the problem. I'm as broken inside as these people. Oh, wait, no I'm not:
What would you do if your name was Pooh
And -- without a doubt, giving a shout --
Something kept going in and out?
Well. A: I would tell a Trusted Adult or Parent. B: I would not work through my inner turmoil through A. A. Milne's gentle tale of a Pooh bear and his friend. Sesame Street, on the other hand... *hand to the side of my mouth* Fuck-o-rama.
Oh, say. There's one last piece of innocence you don't need:
Hagrid drank all of Harry's cum, and we he [sic] stopped he asked Harry "Harry....fuck me. Take my
Drank? That is not the "Dew" I'm looking to down, if you know what I mean. Also, there was not a question there to be asked. (Quibble, I know.) I do appreciate the plaintive tone, something we rarely saw in the lovable giant. Also not seen in him: Harry Potter's cock.
It amazes me, the sheer volume of Wil Wheaton porn that's out there, and NONE of it involves him and River Phoenix. Just a side note. Anyway, Star Wars guys love writing about Ensign Crusher's cock. One Trekker (Trekkies are wanna bes) wrote a Peter Stu fic about meeting Wil on set, which puts Wil at 16. Also, it's important to note that the protagonist was "invited" into Wil's trailer, and Wil is wearing red bikini britches. Of course he is. He also has a horrible rash all down his backside to his ankles. Mmmmm, sores. What's that? Time to put on ointment? But what about our intrepid adventurer? Ah, ah, ah, Wil is the most coy 16 year old boy you'll ever meet. Let's watch!
"I never was very good at putting this stuff on. Would you be willing to give me a hand?" Would I!!! (Wil clearly learned from the James Marsters' Guide To Picking Up Fans.)
He simply lifted his but in the air
But since fans don't limit Mr. Wheaton to RPS, let's check out a threesome non con! After being kidnapped, then finger-banged by a Ferengi (don't think Armin don't think Armin):
"They'll never accept me at the Academy if they found out about this!" (Seems a "don't ask don't tell" philosophy could work. For the author.)
"ENOUGH" shouted Tau " I can no longer hold back the ancient calling of Pan Far........ Ensign Wesley Crusher.....prepare to be fucked" the lustfilled Vulcan concluded.
A. Vulcans. Look them up. They are unemotional. See: my mood theme for further instruction.
B. This also makes me think of Dumbledore's vision to astral Harry Potter (while having tea with Christopher Walken, natch) after killing the cannibal vampires of Mars: Harry, you must rock the fuck out. I like it.
But I believe we had a Tony the Tiger/twink fic to talk about. Let's. First off, the author has some BREATHTAKING racism/stupidity to get out of the way, first.
He led me to his car. He had a brand-new Dodge Durango 4x4, Forest Green, gold rims, reg deflectors, light covers, rear spoiler; you'd swear a black guy owned this thing. Then again, tigers do come from Africa.
WRONG. What's awesome is my BFF has a coffee mug that says "Tigers do not come from Africa. They come from India." Best coffee mug ever, y/y? Prescient, at least. Next, remember playing M*A*S*H? You'd write down all the different cars you could have, their colors, plus who you'd marry, how many babies, and "Mansion, Apartment, Shack, or House?" I bet if you could go back in time and see the selections for your car, you'd have something as lame as a Dodge. It's a FANTASY. Why not a Lotus? Range Rover? Or a personal helicopter? He chose a frickin' Dodge? Hahaha.
OH! And the way it's laid out is SO SEXY, zomg:
Inside, the rear seats had been removed, and the entire space filled with a bed. Above, he had three dome lights with a red glow that kept the light inside dark, but allowed one to see about. I discovered the windows weren't tinted, but rather painted to block any visual flow.
Anyone remember the "Pussy Wagon" from Kill Bill? How apropos to have that in this little tale. (I'll give a few of you a minute for that, and by the way, Mr. Pun-that-wasn't, THAT is how you pun. BOOYAH.)
So, it's important to note that Tony the Tiger is wearing a Speedo. Of course he is. And that's where he keeps his car keys. Comfy! Speedo: this hammock isn't just for bananas anymore!
Lastly, it's Zac Effron (of High School Musical fame) having his First Ever Gay Sex. But he doesn't know he's going to have sex, after all, he only JUST THE NIGHT BEFORE realized he was gay. And then he goes to work. Who's there watching him practice for High School Musical 3? Why, Tom Welling, of course! WB =/= Disney, folks. Does it even matter? No, it does not. Moving on.
"Zac kept knowing an extremely beautiful man standing and watching the set" I would like to state for the record that it - logistically - is not possible to "stop" knowing. (Again, I'll give you a second on that one, if you need it.)
- allowing Zac's 7 1/2 inch cock to spring up and slap his stomach (is he curled up like a snail? Also, why the half? No rounding up? huh.)
- (note: it's Zac's very first time ever having sex of any kind. And he's a teen boy.) "after about an hour of fast paced fucking, he was ready to cum."
- [Zac and Tom] laid quietly for hours talking and then fell asleep (those boys! You know how they are! Also, I'm surprised they didn't utilize all of that chit-chat time for spoon feeding each other ice cream and braiding each other's hair while listening to Sarah MacLachlan, or Tori Amos. You know, like a couple of guys.)
- Zac dreamt about what all adventures he and Tom could have together.
Now, personally, I love that last one. I can just see little Mr. Swoop Bangs, his chin propped up on fists, and a little dream bubble coming up over his head as a pop song from The Monkees plays in the background. Visions of:
- Zac and Tom racing around the world in a balloon for a million dollars! A man in a top hat and handlebar mustache (Michael Rosembaum) tries to thwart them at every turn, but he fails and cries out in frustration, "Nuts!" as our heroes race away in yet another Amazing Dirigible.
- Tom wrote a negative and slightly nasty letter to his boss at the WB, and he and Zac have to find a way to sneak into the studio and get it before the Big Boss shows up in the morning! Also, they have to do something wacky to get around the security system! They'll wear black cat suits, and Zac will reference Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible.
- Someone switches their baby, and they have to race to get the right baby back before anyone notices! It's funny because boys don't notice things like the right baby, haha.
- Zac could plan a picnic, and it could RAIN, you guys! That would spoil everything! But Tom, kind Tom would wipe away rain from Zac's face and tell him, "Silly boots! It's you I care about, not some picnic! It was never about the picnic. It was about you and me! Don't you know that by now?" And the audience can "aww!" as they embrace and toss off one more sassy one-liner: "You're standing in the fried chicken." "You have to ruin everything, don't you?" *closing credits*
- Tom starts hanging around with older actors from his job, and they pressure him to smoke a marijuana cigarette. Zac is afraid for him, and they have a Very Special Discussion. (And secretly, Zac shows him that smoking from paper isn't as good as from a bong.)
- Maybe they painted the inside of their house, but it kept going wrong, ha ha, like the ladder kept wobbling, or Tom would put down a brush, and Zac would pick it up, and Tom wouldn't be able to figure out where that darned brush went!! And eventually a paint bucket toppled over and went all over Tom's face, and Zac made an "oopsie!" face which made Tom smile, because he loves him so much. And they're wearing painting coveralls splashed in color that isn't being painted. Also, a hip new indie track plays while a montage of paint-prep shows on screen.
- Zac and Tom go on vacation to Hawaii with Zac's family. Zac starts talking big about how great a water-skier he is, and is challenged by the local stud. In black motorcycle boots and powder-blue shorts, he jumps a shark in an underwater cave while Tom looks on, both afraid... and proud.
- Zac starts selling Countess Calvet makeup to his fellow classmates at Eastland, and Tom (who attends nearby Bates academy) is shocked to learn how much money it all costs. ...and how grownup Zac looks. (A bit like a painted-up whore.) They talk about accepting yourself for who you are and liking what you see
with help from Mrs. Garrett's famous chocolate chip cookies.
- One of them gets amnesia, and only the other's gentle love can bring back all of those memories! (clip show!)
There should totally be a show like that. Wait a minute... (I could seriously do that all day long. But then I'd get nothing done.) And now I leave you with a very humorous monkey fluids comic.