Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. (aka Happy Valentine's Day, Flist!)

Love, that is. If you didn't know that you could LOVE in a wrong way, that means you've not been reading my bad!fic posts. On this forced and commercialized day of "romance" (thanks for the 120% markup on flowers, world!) let's at least revel in the thought that we do not paint our faces like clowns and do it in the woods. And if you do, I don't want to hear about it.

We'll get to the clown loving in the woods later. Let's start with an amuse bouche of American Idol: 2007 threesomes involving Phil (the bald one), Chris (the beat box Justin-wannabe), and Blake (the moon-faced kid that almost won.)

It starts with PARAGRAPH upon PARAGRAPH of robotic conversation and exposition: "the waiter brought them three beers. The three beers were icy cold. They drank the three beers." You know, I don't know if there's a test on this tomorrow, but if "How many beers did the Idol contestants consume?" isn't on it, I'm going to be pissed. Finally they get to the "hot" sex. (And I kind of want one of those animated videos (like that site that does the political ones? I can't think of their names) with word balloons coming out of the Idols mouths with the following:)

Chris yelled out "Get out of here." Phil laughed and said "It is true." Blake said "Phil your crazy. Life is way to short to be deprived of some good sex."

True dat. (Double true!) Okay, 1) This author clearly believes punctuation is the Devil's Jewelry, and 2) contractions are shortcuts to hell SANS HANDBASKET. (there were many paragraphs about the Bible. Is this the sexiest thing ever, OR WHAT?)

*puts on side B of Led Zepplin IV, the sexy side*

Blake started to run his hand along Phil's upper back and said "Phil come on. You have not done anything wrong. You have been so deprived of fun for so long that you can't handle it." Phil said "Blake I do have fun, but just a different kind of fun. I like playing with the kids and hanging out with my wife."

Well how about some awkward sex fun with me making my eyes wide and expressionless? Aw, yeah, that's way better than playing with your kids! Does anyone remember the show "1,2,3, Contact?" They had a film of the first "talking" computer. It said over and over "My name is Mark" but it sounded like someone with a head cold? Go back and read that in that voice - it makes it AWESOMER.

Phil was feeling good. He was getting into the grove. Look out, Phil, I think there could be clowns in there, but I'm not sure. And hey, grab me a peach while you're in there, I'm starving.

In The "Sex Can Be Described Most Efficiently By Saying Stick Flap A Into Slot B" Category:

  • Then all of a sudden, he felt Blake's dick against his and was wigged out.

  • Phil said Wow." Chris said "What is the harm. The worst will be that you don't like it and never do it again." Phil said, "Well that is true." (Is it hot in here, or is it just me? And yes, ladies, the worst thing about being forced into sex you're not sure about is that you'll discover that you don't like it.)

  • Blake had Phil get on the bed in the middle and had Chris on one side of Phil while Blake was on the other. Blake whispered into Phil's ear to just enjoy what is about to happen. Phil just gave one of his trademark smiles and said, "Give it to me guys." (I'm disappointed that Chris didn't start beat-boxing with his Phil-tit in his mouth, thus eliciting a Bon Jovi solo as a reaction. It would have happened that way, come on. And you can trademark smiles? I wonder what the residuals are on that...)

  • Chris bent down and started to suck on Phil's nipples going back and forth between the two. Blake when up to Phil's upper body and said, "I want some Phil tit too." He started to bit on his nipple. (this really stands on its own merit)

  • Chris took Blake's head and went into a French kiss. (my guess is French Kiss is some nearby pastry shop chain. Grab me a croissant while you're in there, Phil, I'm starving.)

  • Man Blake could not wait to get his hands on that cock. (But Boy Blake was curled up in his subconscious, thumb in his mouth, wishing for his teddy and for the man with the camera to leave the playground. ...too dark? Nah.)

  • Phil said, "You fuckers. I want to suck my cock now!!!" (Grasshopper, that is a yoga move that few can accomplish.)

  • Chris would like down on the shaft and then take the whole dick into his mouth. (But did he "like" like it, or just "like" it?)

  • Blake put Phil's legs down and went for Chris' dick and started to taste his savory virgin sauce. Man it was so creamy and sweet and a touch of salty. It was pure delicious and Blake loved every morsel of it. (Mmmm, like a handful of nickels on a hot summer day. Let's make sperm-flavored cookies some time!)

I've got to say... this fic was a little pitchy, Dawg.

Some titles I've come across (rim shot!) lately:
  • Boy Meats Boy (one and two!)
  • Bobby and Uncle Marty (shudder)
  • Everyone Fucks Raymond (no they don't, and I'll thank you to stop writing this fandom)
  • Frat Boys Spank Superman (and come away with broken hands, right? Man of steel, hello.)
  • Extreme Inferno (see, this is why it's good to understand words. An inferno is a fire that is extreme. That's like saying Ginormous Huge. Or wet water. If you're going to tack on extreme, give it a few extra Xs: "Exxtreme Inferno! The extra X is for what they do!")

But let's take a look at the Superman/Frat Boy fic.

Once on his feet, [Superman] saw the two strong boys on either side of him holding his arms. On his left was a tall, powerful, blond boy. On his right was another muscular boy, very handsome, of average height. From his vantage point, he couldn't see the tall, Latino boy with the swimmer's build and who still held him by the hair. He also didn't notice the young man who stood at some distance with a video camera, taping the entire incident.

If he can't see him, why does he know he's holding a video camera? I wonder if identifying that one kid as a Latino will come up again... [Note: it does. He's always "the Latino boy."] So we have Eric, Steve, Josh (of course), Angelo (I wonder which one he is!) and Kevin holding Superman and "Superman nearly burst into tears". I know, Supe. I hate those stupid puka shell necklaces and ultra thin flip flops as much as you. I mean, there's no support there! Those are shower shoes, not shoes you wear out! And would it kill them to trim off those hanging threads from their shorts?

"Oh," remarked Steve, "I didn't tell you. Eric's the gay one." Everyone chuckled, including Eric. Superman, however, was in too much of a predicament to chuckle. Gosh, Superman's sure in a pickle! And a gay frat boy? Impossible! I like how they're getting Superman naked to spank him, relishing in his powerful nude body laid submissive before them, but they're not gay. (I'm not gay, but my dick is!)

In the "I'm Working Through My Own Personal Issues Here" Category:

"I thought they didn't let queers in the Boy Scouts!" exclaimed Eric. His purpose in this remark was two-fold. First he took every opportunity to plug one of his favorite causes, and also he wanted everyone to know that homophobic slurs were okay with him as long as they were aimed at Superman.

And of course they let queers into the Boy Scouts. They're called LEADERS.

In the "IWTMOPIH" Category, Part Deaux:

"Okay," interrupted Steve. "Were getting off topic here. This is a spanking, not a gang rape." All of the boys were a little disappointed.

Can't you see those poor blonde guys in their khaki cut offs, polo shirts with the collars popped, hemp necklaces picked up one spring break in Cabo, and daddy's credit cards in their pockets hanging their heads in sorrow and toeing the floor dejectedly? Won't someone think of these poor (figuratively) guys? College frats are about making business contacts for the future and gang raping, I mean... did you not read the brochure for Delta Roofie Chi?

"At one point, Jon got down and clasped Superman's rock hard penis in his strong, firm hand to help steady him." But Eric's the gay one. Uh huh.

It was not a sexual experience for the boys, even for Eric [the gay one, in case you forgot] who would have killed to get his hands on such a gorgeous creature with such a massive erection. This was a power trip thing. And seriously, Superman was asking for it, wearing red tights? I mean, a man doesn't put that on unless he's looking for a little action. And eight boys stripping a man naked and putting their hand to his ass for over three hours so the man gets an erection is clearly not about sex. Because only Eric's gay.

If you needed further proof that 12 year old boys cannot write sex, we have this from a Smokey Robinson gay sex romp in Motown. (I know.)

" Ok,I'll see you this evening when I get home,bye", said Bobby
"Yall really must have been working hard today,because you look bushed man"says,bobby
"I really am. because recording 30 takes of Here I Am Baby was real doozy ",says Smokey.
"There's something I have to say to you,Smokey.I'm in love with you man and I have been ever since we met,says Bobby.
" Really?! I've been wanting to do you ever since after Claudette's last miscarriage. [...] I want you so bad Bobby and you're really are dark and handsome to me and better looking than the other guys in our singing group,"explains Smokey

I like that even a black man has to comment on the blackness of his paramour's skin. And how awesome to have a mention of a woman's miscarriage. Very sensitive, jackoff. But wait, it just gets turned up to ELEVEN on the hot meter from here.

we give each other oral sex in his office when everybody is gone for lunch like he wants it from me.He says my juice tastes like vanilla ice cream and his sperm juice tastes like good champagne,explains Smokey." After the conversation,Smokey and Bobby give into passion.They both start deep kissing and they kiss for the next 20 minutes.They start to take off each other's clothes.Bobby takes Smokey's 10 inch penis and sucks on it and then Smokey's penis explodes in Bobby's eager mouth and bobby drinks all Smokey's sperm juice.Then Smokey takes in Bobby's penis and sucks on it like a milk bottle until Bobby's juice explodes in smokey's mouth and smokey sucks all the juice he can stand from Bobby.Then they're exhausted from their make out session at Motown studios.They put their clothes back on and they give each other a kiss on the mouth.Now they were really on cloud nine after having male on male sex.Then they go home to their wives and home life.

1: sperm juice. (now I'm picturing Jack Lalanne with a juicer and Smokey Robinson and it's a bad image. Make it stop.)
2: tastes like VANILLA ice cream. Not chocolate, the expected, which is nice. Except for how sperm tastes nothing like ice cream. So I've been told. And good champagne, not that Cook's crap you get at the gas station.
3: his penis explodes? Ouch. That's a mess that'll be hard to explain to the housekeeping staff.
4: and then they bone each other, and go home to pay bills and mow the lawn. The End.

But I promised clown sex, and dammit, I will not fail you. Take a clown, give him a seltzer bottle and a squeezy horn, then pull out his dick. Are you as turned on as me?

We have the beautiful tale, "My First Time With A Clown" and surprisingly, it didn't have the subtitle "And the Last Time I Make A Bet While Flying High On Meth."

"It was my nephew's 7th birthday." NOOOOOOOO! " 'Bubbles' was dressed in full clown regalia, with w bright orange wig,white face makeup, and even a rubber nose. Instead of baggy pants,though, she had on a short poofy skirt and rainbow-colored tights." I think I saw her in last month's Playboy.

So the uncle drives the clown home, walks into her apartment, and there's clown shit everywhere. Posters, figurines, dolls... Guys, I saw Poltergeist. I *had* that clown doll. I'm thinking creepy thing under my bed that will choke the life out of me, not, how can I get her costume off and my penis in? Mostly because I don't have a penis, but you get my point. This clown even subscribes to CLOWN MONTHLY. If that magazine actually exists, it just proves my point that there's no god.

  • kissing those huge painted-on clown lips was an amazing turn-on. As I felt her warm greasy makeup smear off her face onto me, and my hands took on a white tinge as I held onto her face. DO NOT WANT!!!!
  • seeing her cute face with smeared clown makeup on my crotch was too intense for words to describe somehow this is WORSE THAN HORSE FUCKER. Worse than furry-unicorn porn. Worse than Winnie the Pooh killing Christopher Robin and have sex with the corpse. Okay, maybe not that last one. But equal!!
  • I just had to feel that hot glove around my cock The hell of it is, I don't know if it's a bad euphemism for her snatch, or a GIANT CLOWN GLOVE. *pours acid into eye sockets*

Guys, trust me. Take a big breath. Push all things valuable away from your soon to be flailing arms. Ready? Okay.

Then, she reached over and grabbed her clown horn from the floor. Each time she moved down onto me, she blew the horn. At first it was a steady rhythm, then it got faster and faster. The sound of the horn melded with her moans until he screamed in pleasure. As I felt the orgasmic spasms, I shot my load into her.
"Whooooopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed

KILL IT. Pry it off, shoot it, burn it, then poor ashes, salt and cement on it.

And after what would send me to an asylum as surely as the sun rises every morning, we have a woman running into a man in the forest, who then paints his and her face into clown faces. Then they bone (natch.) They get up, walk away, and never see each other again. (Well, I can't say that I blame her.) But she gets home, almost wondering if it was some bad dream and:

The whole experience was so bizarre, I almost would have thought I imagined the whole thing - except when I got home and looked in the mirror, there was still clown makeup all over my face…and other places.

If I looked in the mirror and saw clown makeup - acquired from screwing a CLOWN, I would be in Promises with Britney dribbling on some checkers so fast, it would make your head spin.

So folks... if you're not looking forward to today because Hallmark decided to make a buck on this holiday and you're not participating, or heck. If you ARE looking forward to this holiday of love and companionship, you can sleep well with the knowledge that you do not bone clowns. You are Shriner-free. You prefer Bartles & James to Barnum & Bailey. And you will never, ever have to look at yourself in the mirror on a Valentine's Day and see smeared clown makeup, reminding you of the worst mistake of your life.

So there's that working for you. I hope you all have great V Days. This... this is my Valentine to you. *beams*
Tags: bad!(great)fic

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