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Love, that is. If you didn't know that you could LOVE in a wrong way, that means you've not been reading my bad!fic posts. On this forced and commercialized day of "romance" (thanks for the 120% markup on flowers, world!) let's at least revel in the thought that we do not paint our faces like clowns and do it in the woods. And if you do, I don't want to hear about it.

We'll get to the clown loving in the woods later. Let's start with an amuse bouche of American Idol: 2007 threesomes involving Phil (the bald one), Chris (the beat box Justin-wannabe), and Blake (the moon-faced kid that almost won.)

It starts with PARAGRAPH upon PARAGRAPH of robotic conversation and exposition: "the waiter brought them three beers. The three beers were icy cold. They drank the three beers." You know, I don't know if there's a test on this tomorrow, but if "How many beers did the Idol contestants consume?" isn't on it, I'm going to be pissed. Finally they get to the "hot" sex. (And I kind of want one of those animated videos (like that site that does the political ones? I can't think of their names) with word balloons coming out of the Idols mouths with the following:)

Chris yelled out "Get out of here." Phil laughed and said "It is true." Blake said "Phil your crazy. Life is way to short to be deprived of some good sex."

True dat. (Double true!) Okay, 1) This author clearly believes punctuation is the Devil's Jewelry, and 2) contractions are shortcuts to hell SANS HANDBASKET. (there were many paragraphs about the Bible. Is this the sexiest thing ever, OR WHAT?)

*puts on side B of Led Zepplin IV, the sexy side*

Blake started to run his hand along Phil's upper back and said "Phil come on. You have not done anything wrong. You have been so deprived of fun for so long that you can't handle it." Phil said "Blake I do have fun, but just a different kind of fun. I like playing with the kids and hanging out with my wife."

Well how about some awkward sex fun with me making my eyes wide and expressionless? Aw, yeah, that's way better than playing with your kids! Does anyone remember the show "1,2,3, Contact?" They had a film of the first "talking" computer. It said over and over "My name is Mark" but it sounded like someone with a head cold? Go back and read that in that voice - it makes it AWESOMER.

Phil was feeling good. He was getting into the grove. Look out, Phil, I think there could be clowns in there, but I'm not sure. And hey, grab me a peach while you're in there, I'm starving.

In The "Sex Can Be Described Most Efficiently By Saying Stick Flap A Into Slot B" Category:

  • Then all of a sudden, he felt Blake's dick against his and was wigged out.

  • Phil said Wow." Chris said "What is the harm. The worst will be that you don't like it and never do it again." Phil said, "Well that is true." (Is it hot in here, or is it just me? And yes, ladies, the worst thing about being forced into sex you're not sure about is that you'll discover that you don't like it.)

  • Blake had Phil get on the bed in the middle and had Chris on one side of Phil while Blake was on the other. Blake whispered into Phil's ear to just enjoy what is about to happen. Phil just gave one of his trademark smiles and said, "Give it to me guys." (I'm disappointed that Chris didn't start beat-boxing with his Phil-tit in his mouth, thus eliciting a Bon Jovi solo as a reaction. It would have happened that way, come on. And you can trademark smiles? I wonder what the residuals are on that...)

  • Chris bent down and started to suck on Phil's nipples going back and forth between the two. Blake when up to Phil's upper body and said, "I want some Phil tit too." He started to bit on his nipple. (this really stands on its own merit)

  • Chris took Blake's head and went into a French kiss. (my guess is French Kiss is some nearby pastry shop chain. Grab me a croissant while you're in there, Phil, I'm starving.)

  • Man Blake could not wait to get his hands on that cock. (But Boy Blake was curled up in his subconscious, thumb in his mouth, wishing for his teddy and for the man with the camera to leave the playground. ...too dark? Nah.)

  • Phil said, "You fuckers. I want to suck my cock now!!!" (Grasshopper, that is a yoga move that few can accomplish.)

  • Chris would like down on the shaft and then take the whole dick into his mouth. (But did he "like" like it, or just "like" it?)

  • Blake put Phil's legs down and went for Chris' dick and started to taste his savory virgin sauce. Man it was so creamy and sweet and a touch of salty. It was pure delicious and Blake loved every morsel of it. (Mmmm, like a handful of nickels on a hot summer day. Let's make sperm-flavored cookies some time!)

I've got to say... this fic was a little pitchy, Dawg.

Some titles I've come across (rim shot!) lately:
  • Boy Meats Boy (one and two!)
  • Bobby and Uncle Marty (shudder)
  • Everyone Fucks Raymond (no they don't, and I'll thank you to stop writing this fandom)
  • Frat Boys Spank Superman (and come away with broken hands, right? Man of steel, hello.)
  • Extreme Inferno (see, this is why it's good to understand words. An inferno is a fire that is extreme. That's like saying Ginormous Huge. Or wet water. If you're going to tack on extreme, give it a few extra Xs: "Exxtreme Inferno! The extra X is for what they do!")

But let's take a look at the Superman/Frat Boy fic.

Once on his feet, [Superman] saw the two strong boys on either side of him holding his arms. On his left was a tall, powerful, blond boy. On his right was another muscular boy, very handsome, of average height. From his vantage point, he couldn't see the tall, Latino boy with the swimmer's build and who still held him by the hair. He also didn't notice the young man who stood at some distance with a video camera, taping the entire incident.

If he can't see him, why does he know he's holding a video camera? I wonder if identifying that one kid as a Latino will come up again... [Note: it does. He's always "the Latino boy."] So we have Eric, Steve, Josh (of course), Angelo (I wonder which one he is!) and Kevin holding Superman and "Superman nearly burst into tears". I know, Supe. I hate those stupid puka shell necklaces and ultra thin flip flops as much as you. I mean, there's no support there! Those are shower shoes, not shoes you wear out! And would it kill them to trim off those hanging threads from their shorts?

"Oh," remarked Steve, "I didn't tell you. Eric's the gay one." Everyone chuckled, including Eric. Superman, however, was in too much of a predicament to chuckle. Gosh, Superman's sure in a pickle! And a gay frat boy? Impossible! I like how they're getting Superman naked to spank him, relishing in his powerful nude body laid submissive before them, but they're not gay. (I'm not gay, but my dick is!)

In the "I'm Working Through My Own Personal Issues Here" Category:

"I thought they didn't let queers in the Boy Scouts!" exclaimed Eric. His purpose in this remark was two-fold. First he took every opportunity to plug one of his favorite causes, and also he wanted everyone to know that homophobic slurs were okay with him as long as they were aimed at Superman.

And of course they let queers into the Boy Scouts. They're called LEADERS.

In the "IWTMOPIH" Category, Part Deaux:

"Okay," interrupted Steve. "Were getting off topic here. This is a spanking, not a gang rape." All of the boys were a little disappointed.

Can't you see those poor blonde guys in their khaki cut offs, polo shirts with the collars popped, hemp necklaces picked up one spring break in Cabo, and daddy's credit cards in their pockets hanging their heads in sorrow and toeing the floor dejectedly? Won't someone think of these poor (figuratively) guys? College frats are about making business contacts for the future and gang raping, I mean... did you not read the brochure for Delta Roofie Chi?

"At one point, Jon got down and clasped Superman's rock hard penis in his strong, firm hand to help steady him." But Eric's the gay one. Uh huh.

It was not a sexual experience for the boys, even for Eric [the gay one, in case you forgot] who would have killed to get his hands on such a gorgeous creature with such a massive erection. This was a power trip thing. And seriously, Superman was asking for it, wearing red tights? I mean, a man doesn't put that on unless he's looking for a little action. And eight boys stripping a man naked and putting their hand to his ass for over three hours so the man gets an erection is clearly not about sex. Because only Eric's gay.

If you needed further proof that 12 year old boys cannot write sex, we have this from a Smokey Robinson gay sex romp in Motown. (I know.)

" Ok,I'll see you this evening when I get home,bye", said Bobby
"Yall really must have been working hard today,because you look bushed man"says,bobby
"I really am. because recording 30 takes of Here I Am Baby was real doozy ",says Smokey.
"There's something I have to say to you,Smokey.I'm in love with you man and I have been ever since we met,says Bobby.
" Really?! I've been wanting to do you ever since after Claudette's last miscarriage. [...] I want you so bad Bobby and you're really are dark and handsome to me and better looking than the other guys in our singing group,"explains Smokey

I like that even a black man has to comment on the blackness of his paramour's skin. And how awesome to have a mention of a woman's miscarriage. Very sensitive, jackoff. But wait, it just gets turned up to ELEVEN on the hot meter from here.

we give each other oral sex in his office when everybody is gone for lunch like he wants it from me.He says my juice tastes like vanilla ice cream and his sperm juice tastes like good champagne,explains Smokey." After the conversation,Smokey and Bobby give into passion.They both start deep kissing and they kiss for the next 20 minutes.They start to take off each other's clothes.Bobby takes Smokey's 10 inch penis and sucks on it and then Smokey's penis explodes in Bobby's eager mouth and bobby drinks all Smokey's sperm juice.Then Smokey takes in Bobby's penis and sucks on it like a milk bottle until Bobby's juice explodes in smokey's mouth and smokey sucks all the juice he can stand from Bobby.Then they're exhausted from their make out session at Motown studios.They put their clothes back on and they give each other a kiss on the mouth.Now they were really on cloud nine after having male on male sex.Then they go home to their wives and home life.

1: sperm juice. (now I'm picturing Jack Lalanne with a juicer and Smokey Robinson and it's a bad image. Make it stop.)
2: tastes like VANILLA ice cream. Not chocolate, the expected, which is nice. Except for how sperm tastes nothing like ice cream. So I've been told. And good champagne, not that Cook's crap you get at the gas station.
3: his penis explodes? Ouch. That's a mess that'll be hard to explain to the housekeeping staff.
4: and then they bone each other, and go home to pay bills and mow the lawn. The End.

But I promised clown sex, and dammit, I will not fail you. Take a clown, give him a seltzer bottle and a squeezy horn, then pull out his dick. Are you as turned on as me?

We have the beautiful tale, "My First Time With A Clown" and surprisingly, it didn't have the subtitle "And the Last Time I Make A Bet While Flying High On Meth."

"It was my nephew's 7th birthday." NOOOOOOOO! " 'Bubbles' was dressed in full clown regalia, with w bright orange wig,white face makeup, and even a rubber nose. Instead of baggy pants,though, she had on a short poofy skirt and rainbow-colored tights." I think I saw her in last month's Playboy.

So the uncle drives the clown home, walks into her apartment, and there's clown shit everywhere. Posters, figurines, dolls... Guys, I saw Poltergeist. I *had* that clown doll. I'm thinking creepy thing under my bed that will choke the life out of me, not, how can I get her costume off and my penis in? Mostly because I don't have a penis, but you get my point. This clown even subscribes to CLOWN MONTHLY. If that magazine actually exists, it just proves my point that there's no god.

  • kissing those huge painted-on clown lips was an amazing turn-on. As I felt her warm greasy makeup smear off her face onto me, and my hands took on a white tinge as I held onto her face. DO NOT WANT!!!!
  • seeing her cute face with smeared clown makeup on my crotch was too intense for words to describe somehow this is WORSE THAN HORSE FUCKER. Worse than furry-unicorn porn. Worse than Winnie the Pooh killing Christopher Robin and have sex with the corpse. Okay, maybe not that last one. But equal!!
  • I just had to feel that hot glove around my cock The hell of it is, I don't know if it's a bad euphemism for her snatch, or a GIANT CLOWN GLOVE. *pours acid into eye sockets*

Guys, trust me. Take a big breath. Push all things valuable away from your soon to be flailing arms. Ready? Okay.

Then, she reached over and grabbed her clown horn from the floor. Each time she moved down onto me, she blew the horn. At first it was a steady rhythm, then it got faster and faster. The sound of the horn melded with her moans until he screamed in pleasure. As I felt the orgasmic spasms, I shot my load into her.
"Whooooopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed

KILL IT. Pry it off, shoot it, burn it, then poor ashes, salt and cement on it.

And after what would send me to an asylum as surely as the sun rises every morning, we have a woman running into a man in the forest, who then paints his and her face into clown faces. Then they bone (natch.) They get up, walk away, and never see each other again. (Well, I can't say that I blame her.) But she gets home, almost wondering if it was some bad dream and:

The whole experience was so bizarre, I almost would have thought I imagined the whole thing - except when I got home and looked in the mirror, there was still clown makeup all over my face…and other places.

If I looked in the mirror and saw clown makeup - acquired from screwing a CLOWN, I would be in Promises with Britney dribbling on some checkers so fast, it would make your head spin.

So folks... if you're not looking forward to today because Hallmark decided to make a buck on this holiday and you're not participating, or heck. If you ARE looking forward to this holiday of love and companionship, you can sleep well with the knowledge that you do not bone clowns. You are Shriner-free. You prefer Bartles & James to Barnum & Bailey. And you will never, ever have to look at yourself in the mirror on a Valentine's Day and see smeared clown makeup, reminding you of the worst mistake of your life.

So there's that working for you. I hope you all have great V Days. This... this is my Valentine to you. *beams*


( 52 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 14th, 2008 05:05 pm (UTC)
"savory virgin sauce" for the win! I could like on that all day. I don't know a thing about Idol contestants, but this author painted such a vivid and disturbing picture, I feel violated for them.

Then you bring more delicious, porntastic flavor with "...my juice tastes like vanilla ice cream and his sperm juice tastes like good champagne..." Mmm, sperm juice, sexy. Is it any wonder you're starving?

For me Clowns=John Wayne Gacy. *full body shudder at the idea of clown sex*
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:06 pm (UTC)
Oh, and thanks for the Valentine gift of really bad(great) fic!
... - stoney321 - Feb. 14th, 2008 05:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:08 pm (UTC)
Now THAT was a gift better than roses or chocolate. Well, maybe not both combined, because roses AND chocolate are kind of awesomesauce.

Smokey Robinson sex? Clown sex? My god woman, how do you FIND this stuff?? I have heartburn from laughing, is that possible?

♥ ♥ ♥
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:12 pm (UTC)
Dude, I just stumbled on the Smokey Robinson sex. There's so much untapped bad!fic out there, it's crazy!!!

See, anyone can send flowers and chocolate. Only I think to send clown boning. I win the most romantic gift ever award! *G*
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)

OMG clown sex.

Do Not Want!

Feb. 14th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
WHO THINKS THAT IS HOT?! I mean, even clowns aren't turned on by this. (Haven't you seem them all piling OUT of a small car? They ain't trying to score bases on those back seats, is all I'm saying.)
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
You have strengthened my resolve to never, ever watch American Idol.

Superman held captive by a few frat boys? And here all those super villains were worried.

Finally, I need a sequel to the clown sex tale where they do it in one of those tiny clown cars. A whoopee cushion and one of those squrting flowers also needs to be involved. What the flower actually squirts, I'm not at liberty to say, please use your imagination.

Glitter Graphics - http://www.glittertextgraphics.com

Glitter Text Graphics - http://www.glittertextgraphics.com

Glitter Generator - http://www.glittertextgraphics.com

you sparkly ball of sunshine!
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
*takes notes to write this EPIC TALE OF LOVE for you*

There may also be a chimpanzee on roller skates, I'm not sure how artistic I want this to be.

(American Idol. My kids loooooove it, and it's on in the background. I cannot STAND the audition process. Painful, to say the least.)
... - a2zmom - Feb. 14th, 2008 05:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 14th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - a2zmom - Feb. 14th, 2008 08:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
Ahahahahahahahahaha! This is the best Valentine's Day gift EVER. I <3 you today and every day.
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)

Um, there's a "What's Under Willie's Kilt" fic that is just... sad. Don't think I won't MSTK that for you, baby.

Feb. 14th, 2008 05:28 pm (UTC)
"I want some Phil tit too."

Is that the new sandwich at McDonald's? You know how they bring back the McRib occasionally? Maybe Phil tit is a seasonal offering?

Chris took Blake's head

When did this turn into a decapitation fic? Sexxxxxxy.

started to taste his savory virgin sauce. Man it was so creamy and sweet and a touch of salty.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I could go for some virgin sauce over pasta. Add maybe a touch of basil and voila, gourmet dinner.

After reading the Smokey Robinson fic (!!!!) I never want to drink any type of juice again: apple, orange, sperm. . .

I can't even talk about the clown porn. *flails*
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
CLOWN PORN, LEE. What the hell?!? Someone was abused as a child, has to be, you know? *punches all clowns like Xander*

Also: check your email, baby. ILULEE.
... - southernbangel - Feb. 14th, 2008 05:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Feb. 14th, 2008 07:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:42 pm (UTC)
Personally, I think the guy who wrote about teh hot clown sex with the birthday-party entertainer is sublimating his burning desire for Tammy Faye Bakker, may she rest in peace. I mean, did you see that photo of her c. 2005 in the NY Times obit?
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, man, wasn't that sad?!? There's the poster child for NOT GETTING MAKEUP TATTOOED ON. Who thought that was a good idea? Yeesh.
... - spikendru - Feb. 14th, 2008 10:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
Happy V-Day! bad!fic is the best present next to chocolate (cause chocolate is ALWAYS first).

I think the clown fic is the scariest, BUT if you ever come across a Smokey Robinson/Roy Orbison fic, I'm running away and hiding under my bed!
Feb. 14th, 2008 05:49 pm (UTC)
I will give ample warning when (no ifs here - it's inevitable!) I find that mysterious Smokey/Roy fic. In cling wrap. GAAAAH!!
... - drusplace - Feb. 14th, 2008 05:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - spikendru - Feb. 14th, 2008 08:27 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - drusplace - Feb. 14th, 2008 08:42 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)

Clown sex!

Feb. 14th, 2008 07:23 pm (UTC)

Dammit, don't you go dying on me! CLEAR! *FWUMP!*
Feb. 14th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
Oh! Oh! *hands* Cheese and crackers, woman! You're killin' me here.

Chris took Blake's head and went into a French kiss. (my guess is French Kiss is some nearby pastry shop chain. Grab me a croissant while you're in there, Phil, I'm starving.)

I was under. The. Desk. My hand to god. And then!

(Mmmm, like a handful of nickels on a hot summer day. Let's make sperm-flavored cookies some time!)

Merciless. I just had to use my asthma inhaler, and I think I may have displaced my loose rib again.

Best Valentine's post ever. *wheeze*
Feb. 14th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
See, any asshole can send roses or a box of chocolates (which, let's face it. Only 34% of them you'll finish. the rest get a bite taken out and tossed when you realize they're nasty.)

It takes someone SPECIAL to send Clown Porn. I'm just saying.
... - mere_ubu - Feb. 14th, 2008 09:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 14th, 2008 07:04 pm (UTC)
Savory. Virgin. Sauce.

I thought that would be the best worst until I got to the clown.

Happy Valentine's to you too!
Feb. 14th, 2008 07:25 pm (UTC)
I don't get this lip-smacking reaction to spooge, and I *like* sucking dick! TMI? hahahaha.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 14th, 2008 08:25 pm (UTC)
Anne, I just don't know anymore. I just go out there expecting nothing, that way, I'm not surprised constantly. WOW.

ANNE: thank you so much for my card!! It did the trick, that's for sure! I'm about to sit down with a cookie and write you a nice long email. <3 <3 <3
Feb. 14th, 2008 08:23 pm (UTC)
You are made of win, Laura! Who else would give us Smokey Robinson porn on Valentine's Day? Bwahaha! I am amazed that anyone is still writing Smokey Robinson porn in the first place. I mean, the man is like 68, so good for him, that he has such copious sperm juice along with a 10 inch penis. The man should definitely be doing Viagra ads, fer shur!

Off to read about the scary clown porn (because, y'know, I can't NOT read it, now that I know it's there. Pffft!)

OMFG!!! The clown porn is just . . . is just . . . I'm torn between ROTFLMAO, and hiding in the closet, behind the summer clothes! Bwahahahahaha! The perfect V-day gift! You always manage to come through!

Feb. 14th, 2008 08:28 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!! Now, this was written *checks* eight years ago, BUT STILL. That's... wow. Some folks know what they like, huh?

I just really REALLY don't understand the clown porn. I thought we all agreed clowns are BAD?! And not in the bad = good way. WHAT THE HELL!!!!

Feb. 14th, 2008 08:46 pm (UTC)
best valentine's day present ever!
Feb. 14th, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
I'm a giver.

:D (Also, I am in LOVE with your icon. D'aww, retro kitties!)
Feb. 14th, 2008 08:48 pm (UTC)
Oh, Stoney. You love us. You really, really love us. There can be no other explanation for posts like these.

So big V-Day smooches right back atcha'. That's "V" for Valentine's, not "V" for Venereal, btw - just wanted to make *that* clear.

[And clowns? Are CREEPY. Did the ficcer not get that memo? Jee-zus.]
Feb. 14th, 2008 10:45 pm (UTC)
I DO. I love so much I SHARE.

But I'm going to celebrate Veneral day, because there's better medicine. (CLOWNS! No. That's a universal no, at that!)
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( 52 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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