Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone
stoney321

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(fake) Interview with James Lipton and Myself

Okay, so tonight is the premiere of Blood on the Highway and there will be press and a red carpet and celebrities and a Q&A afterward, and I know it's not a big deal, this isn't a Meryl Streep vehicle, but I'm FILLED with BUTTERFLIES and nervous in my tum, so I make jokes to ease the pain. Here is a pretend interview I wrote up with me being interviewed by James Lipton, the host of "Inside the Actor's Studio" as played by Will Ferrell. (Got that?)


James Lipton vs. Stoney

vs.

(Lynette looks something like this, but trashier)




JL: Once upon a time, the earth formed. An amoeba dared to crawl into the protoplasm and create offspring. Billions of years transpired; species rose to rule the earth and then died, new species came forth, evolved, obtained opposable thumbs, and eventually developed art. It was crude and rudimentary at first, giving way to greats such as Michelangelo, Shakespeare, and Flo of Alice fame. Languages, songs, sculpture and stage, all developed over billions of years, all to give us this. This majestic creature in press-on nails, this, dare I say, White Treasure (my God don't make no trash, madam), an earthy dame sent to teach us of the meaning of life, of justice... and of ourselves. Of our very souls.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the greatest performer of all time, one who makes Meryl Streep appear to be nothing more than a chimpanzee in a fruit-topped hat chewing on bubble gum to appear as if speaking to us. I give you, Laura Stone.

[mild, confused applause]

Me: That's uh... that's some introduction.

JL: [to the audience] You need look no further to see acting performed at its height of genius than thirty-two minutes into the magnum that is... Blood on the Highway.

Me: I come in at twenty-one minutes.

JL: ...

JL: I'll have my researcher beaten to death. Now, watching this film made me re-examine my life, and I found it lacking. Lacking in vampires, in sex... and in truth. Tell me how you managed that. [chin on fists]

Me: I took the words on the page, and then I said them into the camera when they pointed at me.

JL: Marvelous. It's like I'm hearing language for the first time. I never knew it could be so complex. May I speak to Lynette?

Me: She's... not... rea- Um, I'm Lynette.

JL: Hello, my darling. Please, gift me with your hard-scrabble-life's wisdom, one of your carefree witticisms with a corn-bread, fried chicken finesse!

Me: I don't... you mean one of my lines?

JL: [laughing uproariously] Brilliant! It's like we are living inside the film right now! Tell me, Lynnette. Did your father work? Was he a layabout? Did he... beat you?

Me: At chess all the time.

JL: [falls off chair, holding his chest] I am so taken by you I can no longer move. I am completely immobile, like a tin soldier in need of lubricant. As a rabbit, caught in the headlights of a moving vehicle, and you, Lynette, you are that vehicle to which I gladly wish to slaughter me so that I may die with your name on my lips and your three inch nails embedded in my soul.

Me: [checks nails for signs of offal, aka James Lipton soul chunks]

JL: Tell me, what is a "poonanny?"

Me: I-I beg your pardon?

JL: You have a line in this opus, [stilted] "This town is locked up tighter than a five year old's poonanny." Tell me. What does this mean?!

Me: Their... treasure chest. [coughs]

JL: Magical. It's like the world of Harry Potter is real, but there is no school, there are no wizards, and there are no spells, except the one you have cast over me. I'd like to speak to Laura now, if you don't mind, Lynette.

Me: [still baffled] Al...right. Hey, there! [nervous wave]

JL: [takes her hands in his] I've missed you. You were offered this part, and did you take it immediately? Was there any deliberation?

Me: No, none at all. It's hilarious. The character, the movie... I mean, it's a low-budget flick, sure, but it's really, really funny. And offensive.

JL: As God is my witness, I will smite with a mighty sword those that cast down this movie as causing any offense, for how can beauty of such magnitude cause offense to a God that made it? Is there any Lynette in you?

Me: Oh, god, no. Except for how much of a whore she is. We have that in common.

JL: [wiping tears of mirth] Marvelous. Simply breathtaking. Grace Kelly comes to mind. Explain why that could be.

Me: Because I based Lynette on a combination of Jerry Blank, Grace Kelly and Princess Diana.

JL: I can completely and utterly see the transcendence of all of those heavenly beings becoming one, like a completely non-sexual menage a trois. Or hybrid.

Me: Lynette would like to think that first one was it.

JL: As always, I like to conclude my interviews with questions crafted by the great philosopher Bernard Pivotturnkeek. What sound or noise do you love?

Me: Utter and complete silence.

JL: Ah. And that is when the truth comes. Masterful. What job or profession that you do not currently belong to would you love to try?

Me: A Kept Woman.

JL: I am not alone in saying that there are men who would line up twelve deep to offer that position to you. And which would you least like to try?

Me: Being your Kept Woman.

JL: Aha ha ha. Ahem. Yes. Well. Finally, upon reaching heaven in the next life, what would you like to hear God say to you?

Me: "Surprise, I'm real! And you can still get in."

JL: Is there any one person that you would most like to thank for your being the massive success that you've become?

Me: Yes, Billy Graham, for helping me walk.

JL: You couldn't walk?

Me: Well, yes, I could, he just helped me walk faster.

JL: As Plato to Aristotle, so have you taught me of the complexities of the human mind; its wants, its needs, and how we humans can benefit one another; how we can lift each other up to a height of genius and creation and artistry never before reached, or even dreamed. You and your movie of vampires. of loose women and foolish men. You have taught me that. [pause to bite lip] The words 'thank you' seems meaningless, next to that gift... But as I am a mere mortal, it's all I have. And so, thank you.

Me: Uh... you are most welcome. There were sub sandwiches in the green room, right? [zooms]

*****

Ah, it's fun to pretend. Like how we all get interviewed by Jon Stewart and possibly Oprah while showering. :D Wish me luck! (I'll be in and out sporadically today) ZOMG, pray I don't fall off my 4 inch heels! No, PRAY THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS!! Next post, re-cap and pics! (And thank you to all of the solidarity in the last post! One day, ladies. We'll take over and get them to DESIGN FOR WOMEN again!)
Tags: awwwwwspam!, both, movie magic, stoney doesn't suck
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