Laura Stone (stoney321) wrote,
Laura Stone

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bullet points for the very busy

(which is me, or at least, I'm determined to be very busy today.) I was pretty amazed by my hit counter to see how many people went back to read my Mormon and Polygamy tags. (Maybe there is a market for this book after all...) Whoops, bullet points!

  • I watched a report last night on the YFZ ranch that shocked even me (and Carolyn Jessop and Dorothy Soloman, etc.) They had multiple beds lined up in a special room in their temple to consummate the marriages instantly. (More about this after the jump, for those curious)
  • I know that some of you expressed frustration with not being able to do anything, and wanting to help in some way. Go H E R E to Texas' DFPS page and you'll find a list of ways to help the women and children. This is the largest case of this type in US History - there's bound to be some weirdness, and anything you can do to help (I'm pitching in, too) will help get these poor folks out of the mindset that they're cattle. (Keep in mind this is in the beginning stages - they're still trying to assess what all will be needed.)
  • Keep in mind that these folks are old school - they'll work to feed themselves, clothe themselves. They'll just need the resources to get started. (And my hope is the mothers will get some job training to help them have tools to get out and stay out of this culture. FLDS: putting the Cult in Culture since 1840!)
  • ION, I've been crutch-free for 36 hours and have a zombie-quality to my shambling about the house. (I should stop moaning and frightening the children, huh?) I plan on wearing an old fashioned, Jules Verne-esque diving helmet until I can walk correctly, to protect my precious brains from you ever-vigilant zombie-killers. (Are you ever-vigilant?! They could rise up at ANY MOMENT, zomg!!)

[ETA] This appears to be the original affidavit filed? I'm still reading it.
[ETA 2] I'm slow on the uptake. The reason they're taking names for volunteers is they are afraid that people that secretly left the compound will "volunteer" and ferry away wives and children. Makes sense. There's a hotline for people to call that may have lived there but left, too. Very smart. (1-800-252-5400.) Get an electronic collar on them. I love my home state, y'all.

Okay, I think I've talked about temple practices before, but I can't remember. In a nutshell, Joseph Smith, a 32nd level Mason, stole ripped off modified some of their practices for the Mormon temples. Now, not anyone can get in, remember. You have to be "a worthy member" to get in, which means not all Mormons can get into their own temples. (Read: pay your 10% tithe on the NET, not GROSS salary, no hanky panky, no alcohol, smoking, coffee <-- HELLO. Why I'm not a member any more. hahah.)

When you get married, there's a series of hoops you have to jump through.

  1. Get interviewed by your Bishop (local pastor) for worthiness. If approved, you get a year membership card and access to the hot tub. I mean, the baptismal font and locker rooms. (Um, why are their lockers in the Lord's House? Didn't you prove you weren't a theif? Huh.)

  2. Get your "endowments" which roughly translates into coventing with God that you will be a Good Mormon and wear your Holy Panties (shirt and long short/boxers.) Masonic symbols are sewn over the nipples and at the right knee. Most Mormons do not know they are Masonic symbols, btw. The FLDS Holy Panties go to their ankles and wrists, hence the clothing they wear.

  3. You will ALWAYS wear your Holy Panties, and nothing will come between you and your Calvins H.P.s Which means for ladies, your bra goes OVER the shirt. How sexy is THAT? You can take them off to swim and bathe. They do have holes in them for coitus, which, come on. That's hot. ???

  4. You then, either in a separate ceremony or in the same day, go through the Marriage Ceremony where you and your spouse are "Sealed For Eternity." (Hope you chose well.)

  5. Aside from old ladies that work at the temple touching your nethers (groin, breasts, belly, armpits as well as your head, neck, legs, and feet) with "sacred oil," you wear an apron and chef-style hat (in green over your white clothing that covers everything but your lower arms, hands, face, and feet) and go to the "sealing room" where your family and soon-to-be spouse wait for the Bride (the POV I'm writing here)

  6. The woman gets a new name from that same oil-anointing biddy (um... it's the same name for everyone that goes through the temple that day. I laughed my ass off when I heard that from a temple worker) and that's the name your husband will call you to a) resurrect you in the Last Days and b) how he can identify his soul mate. (There's going to be a lot of Sarahs and Ruths looking confused.)

  7. He then leads you through a vagina, I mean, a sheet hanging with a big split in it vertically, and you're married.

(there's a few other things in there, too, that were taken out of the Mormon ceremony in the past few years, like saying you will spill your bowels and slit your own throat if you ever discuss what goes on in the temple. They took that shit seriously, too. It was scaring all the new converts, so now they don't do that. People who know anything about the Masonic Lodge's practices are rolling their eyes. That's directly from their play book.) There's something in there about fertility, but I can't remember exactly how it goes - I'll have to ask my folks. And don't forget: once you do this for yourself, you're expected to do this for other people who have died without this being done. Like for Eva Braun and Hitler. (True fact.)

There are a series of chambers you go through during this process: the Creation Room (with murals of Adam and Eve and Eden) where you learn where man came from (cough) and it's acted out live. By old people. Playing Adam and Eve. (Okay, now it's on videotape produced at BYU, but still. It's hard not to laugh.) This is where women are commanded to covenant that they will obey their husbands, always. (The Law of Obedience.) Then you all proclaim you'll give up everything you own for the Church's benefit, should they need it. (Law of Sacrifice.) Um, what a blissful wedding ceremony! Then, you learn a special handshake (another Masonic thing - the finger wiggling in your palm? Good god.) THIS is when you pantomime splitting your throat.

Next is the "Lonely and Dreary World" room where you see what could happen if you are not the Best Mormon Ever, zomg!! Way to go, asshole. You could abstain from coffee, and now the world is a horror-scape Zdzislaw Beksinski didn't even dream up. A few more hand shakes are learned, then the curtain-slit walk is done, but you grasp your spouse with the sheet separating you first, you do the hand shakes you just turned, the hokey pokey, you walk through to the "Celestial Room" and bam! Happy wedding day! o_0

Long story short (too late), it was rumored that Mormons "had sex right there" in front of the family during our marriage ceremony. Well, they don't. BUT. Apparently the Warren Jeffs' sect of the FLDS DO. In that Sealing Room (where the family is waiting and there's an altar you kneel at to get some of the instructions for the ceremony) in the YFZ Ranch, the investigators found a row of beds, all messed up from people using them. (And ladies hair. Good god.) So... Warren just took it that final step and did it right there. But multiple beds? Like, an orgy? I don't know.

My speculation is that multiple women would be "sealed" to one man in a single ceremony (to save time?) and they'd all be lined up and he'd go from woman to woman. GAG. God, I hate these men. Well, the whole thing, really. But hey - I'll limit it today to one thing.
Tags: mormons, polygamy
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