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A lot of work goes into being this bad.

Bad!fic post. You knew one had to come around sooner or later. This is maybe the worst ever. Well, maybe not as bad as that one Harry Potter fic that we will never talk about again.

I'M NOT GOING TO SUGAR COAT THIS. This is bug sex with ladies. Be warned. Skip to the _______ and beyond for more... light-hearted fare, if needs be.

Before we dive into the bug sex (and I know you can hardly wait!) let's examine the exposition here, building the tension. Apparently it's about an alien bug planet invading manga, or some weird shit, and Sex Happens to Daisy and Candy.

Daisy had been petrified almost since this awful saucer had crashed down on her. Now she felt strangely safer." Almost since a saucer landed on her? Did the saucer get off her to make her feel safer?

Daisy, by the way, has "long hair [that] was expensively curled and sculpted." Candy, meanwhile, "remembered back to the sparking cock pyramid she had ridden"

...y'all have heard of Billy Bobs, right? The famous bar in Ft. Worth with the first mechanical bull? Cock pyramid. Is it layers of cocks? Or a fat-based cock that ends in a point? Are the "sparks" like fireworks or more like flint on metal? It's possible I'm thinking too hard on this one. Nope, wait, the author describes the sparks as being "illuminating ejaculation." THEY are thinking too hard on this one.

After a few paragraphs about the war between the bug aliens and the locals, paragraphs which contain not one comma, we're supposed to understand that we're in an alien ship.

"Captain Fin stood hands on hips her ash white face and long black hair making her look like a character from the Addams family." ...did I mention that Captain Fin is a bug? Morticia Adams, the insect.
  • the other hand caressing one of her fine globe tits Globe tits.
  • Fin's waist high hand began a slow deliberate move over Jackie's tummy towards her red triangle of pussy hair Tummy and pussy hair juuuuuust don't work in a sentence together. And remember Fin is the Morticia Adams bug.
  • Daisy gripped her hand for comfort, cowering behind Candy's statuses frame What the hell does that mean? Is this the word misspelling of "statuesque" on record, or something?
  • her cheeks almost the color of her ringlet brow. What the fuck is happening. Ringlet brow? Is this something in the underground world of piercing I'm not aware of?

Please read this next one aloud.

The pressure of Fins fingers on her clit and nerve endings made her chest heave the moaning from her mouth animal and constant.

"Hm, urrrrrrr, gggg, urrrggg!"

The "gggg" is my favorite to say. It's like a motorboat! Or someone who happened upon Casper the Friendly Ghost. "A ggggg-ghost!"

  • She was so hot now and she had this gut wrenching feeling that apart from the probing finger and thumb there was something else inside her pussy! Right turn into WRONG-VILLE. coming up!
  • The Sarge saw it first as Fins pinching hand slowly extracted the swelling baby pink helmet. Jackie's pussy lips were spreading as a slippery newly born cock appeared like a creature from its den. SLIPPERY NEW BORN COCK. Cock worship in fanfic has now moved into BABY COCKS BEING BORN territory. But wait, there's more. So much more.
  • the hard curved shaft sliding out bending upwards, the seeping eye hole winking EYE HOLE. Seeping. SEEPING EYE HOLE in the baby cock. DO NOT LET IT LIVE!!
  • Morticia Bug pulls it out and says: "Such a lovely fat cock, hmmmm! And so tender!" Her thumb stroked the eye, precome smearing on her finger tip.
  • "Your new cock sits snugly on the roof of your pussy shaft. When it's at rest you probably wouldn't notice. But when it gets angry..." It's a hissing spitting cobra! It steals your heart medication! It calls your mother dirty names!
  • two fat hairless balls swelled around her pussy lips stretching her flesh before popping into the night air That must hurt. I mean the balls POPPING, not the sudden appearance of balls.
  • the hard shaft pointing up to Jackie's tummy button TUMMY BUTTON. Does it turn this fic off?

After a few confusing paragraphs (even more confusing, yes!) where the action flips back and forth to the alien-bug human battle and this chick with a dick, Morticia-Bug jerks off the newly-born cock.

"Zzzzz, yes she is hot! Zzzzz, the male organ revolts her, but her body is in ecstasy she knows she will ejaculate." Maybe you're not an entomologist, but clearly you know that "Zzzs" is bug-speak. Be sure to say this one out loud, too, in a robotic tone. It's fun! And that bugs are TOTES into chicks with dicks. Mostly stink-bugs, but some of the Lepidoptera order, too. They's freaky deaky.

The black pit Candy and the teen fell into was indeed that. The Redundancy Department of Redundancy is hiring for jobs and work.

In The It's Very Wrong, These Words Together Category
  • each bug had a drooling bony proboscis erect
  • her foreskin been tugged down (Some folks call that a Keiser blade I call it a Slingblade, mm hmm.)
  • bucking the eye oozing slime
  • "oohhhhhhhhhhh agggggggggguk, ukk, ukkkk!"
  • licked the salty wad (oh, ICK)

"Candy felt her bare ass stroked by the slimy claw of yet another bug her plastic top straining to contain her melons" Why she brought cantaloupes into a den of dick-birthing goth bugs is beyond me. I mean, sure. It's a good food source, but what about a spray-can of RAID, Candy?

Something you didn't learn in any taxonomy course: "Candy twisted her hand accidentally touching a creatures drooling bony cock making it chatter excitedly" Bug cocks talk! Like pre-teens.

Candy was the first to feel the segmented tentacle of a bug coiling around her flat waist, pulling her onto all fours. She fell into position grunting in anger and a little embarrassment. She knew she would have to play the creatures games. Which evidently is Twister. Right cerci on green! Bill, your thorax hit the mat, I saw it! (LITTLE embarrassment. See, she forgot to put on clean underwear like her mother always warned.)

her tits were entwined the flesh swelling the nipples looking like they would pop. "Awwww!" ...awww? Aw, shucks? And what's the deal with popping organs??

...I'll spare you the proboscis on the nipple saying "Slurrrrrppppppp!" (Like how I spared you that imagery?)

The cock looked like a cut bamboo shoot. Now that's a first. And I hope a last.

All around her the black shells of bugs formed a wall to her sexual arena That is one cavernous vagina. Also, who's with me on not wanting to think of BUGS around a vagina? Show of hands? *counts* All of us? That's what I thought.

The I Really Don't Understand What Could Be Done To A Person To Think This Is Hot Category
  • "Its cock pumped up inside her sphincter the knotty length giving his member that weird love toy ribs and bulge effect." Love toy ribs and bulge effect. WHAT.
  • "the fleshy buttock flapping to the thrusting motion as it gave a running commentary" How does Candy's ass talk? Is this an Ace Ventura thing? I AM VERY CONFUSED AND BOTHERED.
  • "stabbed"
  • "like a vacuum cleaner attachment"
  • "oozing slime"
  • "he slapped her loose tits with his other hand." Bappity bappity bappity!
  • "Zzzzuck the cock" AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow.
  • " Her 40 inch melons" oh, they weren't cantaloupes she brought, they were watermelons? Delicious, yes, but WHY DID YOU NOT BRING BUG SPRAY, CANDY? Or a gun to blow your own brains out?
  • " Her gut was stinging with each ass stuffing" That's something you won't see at Thanksgiving dinner. (And do you serve it with oysters like up north, or the southern style with sausage? My guess? SAUSAGE. Ba dum bum ching!
  • "the swollen seed pod at the base of its cock starting to force its way up his fat pipe" UNDO IT!! UNDO IT!! Now we know why it's shaped like BAMBOO. *cries*

I AM VERY CONFUSED. AND BOTHERED. " Candy felt her own spunk ball pushing her ass rim trying to bust her muscles open."

  • "Uuggggg! Jesus!" Oooooooohhhhhhh!" Pop! SERIOUSLY. WTFuck is going on with the popping?!
  • he ejected another pool of the filth from rear hole. Nearby, Daisy bit down as she tried to close her jaw, bursting the egg in her mouth. Pop! ENOUGH WITH THE POPPING. I'm not even going to address the most disturbing portion of that sentence.
  • gripped like thick icing on her hot buns I am sorry, but BUNS is hilarious. Her BUNS!
  • Her long; really long legs ached. Wait, were they even hers? Even the author has NO CLUE what's happening here. I can't take any more.

So who's up for Glove Love? That would be the Arby's oven mitt sexing Hamburger Helper's oven mitt. Yes, you read that correctly. I'll just... link to it, and let you read to the last. I think it started off as a joke, and then the author got a little too "invested" in their story.

"Gill? That was your nose I bumped?"

That would be Nemo/Gill, folks. After a looooot of talk about Nemo growing up and learning how to "make eggs with lady fish" we get to the center of the tootsie pop.

  • "Fish tanks aren't the best place for meeting fish, kid," said Gill, turning a little to look at Nemo. There was a mysterious, secret expression on his face." Surprise! I'm a gay fish.
  • " Nemo looked down and up again into Gill's eyes. Gill's heavy eyelids were low, half-covering his eyes." AHAHAHA. Gill has bedroom eyes.
  • "It felt so good to press close, to feel Gill's fin folding automatically over his back" (Put on a Celine Dion album to get the full effect of this romance)
  • "You know how clownfish grow up?" By boning Angel fish, awww yeah! Best fish pick up line I've ever read, you guys.
  • "Gill [was] tracing down the edge of Nemo's mouth to one corner and back across his lip to the other" Just picture a fish sensuously tracing another fish's lips. With their fin. AHAHAHA.
  • "[Nemo] felt his tail rub against Gill's fin and wrap around his body Nemo stopped, shivering and voiceless like he'd been stung by a jelly.
    "Gill," he said, asking a question or asking for help or asking for more. From his voice it sounded like he was going to cry.
    "Shhhh," Gill whispered, and Nemo felt the good fin brush along his side and over his tail again. He couldn't see for a second, everything went black and he closed his eyes, the top of his head and all down the base of his dorsal fin prickling and tingling and almost hurting. "

I would like to state for the record that this story is not HALF as romantical as my Spander-Seahorse fic that I wrote several years back. You be the judge.

Last, but not least, we have (as the author states) just in time for the Fourth of July, a mother-daughter incest woodland park fic. WHAT ON EARTH. To set the stage...

On a special float, the Woodland Park School District's Nudity in School Program sponsored the performances of the nude and voluptuous feminine version of Uncle Sam, Aunt Samantha.

Sharing the float is a nude Statue of Liberty, described as having huge and juicy tits (give me your poor, your downtrodden, and a 40-DDD under-wire.) Because these nudists are patriots, they all stand at attention and recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the American flag. The nudists (including high school students with body paint of red, white, and blue. Never forget they're patriots!) all tromp back to the high school for a group shower.

In an AMAZING display of lack of interest in naming their own fictional characters, there's this gem:

"Say, dude. Isn't your older gonna be at Miss Carson's barbeque this afternoon?"
"Almost forgot, Kylle, and she's bringing her friend with her."
"What's her name?"
"Her name's Kylle, like you"

Two people in the same town with the same weirdly-spelled name! What are the odds? Also, did you forget the author, I mean, the townspeople love their country?

"What did you wanna tell me, dude?"
"First off, I wanna tell you how much I love you, baby and since this is going to be our senior year there's something more I wanna ask you before I do it."
"Whaddya gonna do, dude?"
"I was thinking about joining the Marines and I want you to join with me. It doesn't have to be now, but please think about it for a little while. I know this is sudden and I'm sorry to spring this on you, but I've always wanted us to get married first, but since the shit's hit the fan all over the world on account of September 11th, I feel this need to go and fight for this country."

Someone please start playing My Country 'Tis of Thee, for the love of god. By the way, this is an NC-17 nudist town story where... Not much happens. And people share the same name. And say "dude" a lot. Basically, Small Town, USA.

the teens looked intently into each other's eyes as they placed each other's hands atop each other's soldiers to relax each other. THIS TOWN IS SO PATRIOTIC, Y'ALL. They each have their own ARMY GUY. These are people that are NOT going to let the terrorists win!

Turn the lights down low, put on some R. Kelly, because it's about to get FUNK. NASTY.

"Say, Erica. I've been meaning to ask you something, but it's kinda personal", said Randiee to Erica.
"Go ahead, Randiee. What is it?"
"Well, have you ever thought of making love to my daughter?"

...errr. Maybe not. Oh, and also in this story is Stanne and Eryque. *head desk*

Incest is hot. "No, I think we should be talking about my youngest daughter's sexual future. I had my turn with both of my girls and believe me they're the best they can ever be....in bed."
your mother gave me her permission to seduce you....in front of her and your sister." Or... maybe it's very... forthright and odd?

  • your mother gave me her permission to seduce you....in front of her and your sister." She's a mom, so she wrote a note to be filed among all the permission slips
  • "Go ahead, honey dear. We just wanna watch", said her mother as she held her older sister's hand. It's like when your folks come to see you in the school play! The nudist-sex play?
  • The older woman kissed the younger woman as passionately as best she could as the younger woman returned the kisses with equal vigor. Kylle sat back and silently watched her best friend kiss their teacher upon the lips. They managed to stop for a moment to look into each other's eyes. (I feel fireworks, you guys. This is SO BEAUTIFUL and TENDER.)
  • Her young fingers dove into the nether regions as they pulled out her teacher's erect member as she gazed upon her teacher's magical penis with wide open and innocent eyes. !!!!! MAGICAL PENIS. Considering she's a woman, I'd say so! It turns out ALL the women have magical penises, and they all felate each other. As one does when finding a magical penis, of course.
  • The orgasm lasted for a good five minutes as everyone present cheered them on with claps of approval! Well done, class! No bell curve for you, A's all around!

What on earth. There are *counts* 31 stories in this series. You're welcome to them.

So! Who needs to take a break for a bleach and radiation shower? Me, first!


( 25 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 12th, 2008 05:23 pm (UTC)
This is right up your alley; SALMON sex. No, not fish and human. Fish on Fish.


There are links in the article. And where do the links lead to? Why, LJ of course!
Jun. 12th, 2008 05:31 pm (UTC)

Is it as hot as the marine biologist that fell in love with a dolphin and kept a blog detailing their love-making? Because it's gonna be hard to top that hotness.

*zooms to read!*
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:03 pm (UTC)
Okay, that is the most awesome thing ever. And THERE'S your Hot Tuna! Or, Salmon, as the case may be.

Awesome blog.
Jun. 12th, 2008 05:27 pm (UTC)
You have to know a fic is going to be bad when it starts off with characters named Candy and Daisy! All it needed was a Debbie and they could've gone to do Dallas.

I cannot even look at the Nemo one...

BUT the Glove Love is pure GENIUS I tell ya!!! Look at all the research that was done! The different kinds of gloves mentioned!!!!!!!!! The fact that the author mentioned fisting!! Yes, yes I have gone over the edge after reading that one...
Jun. 12th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
The Nemo one is HILARIOUSLY romantic and Harlequin-y, you don't have to worry too much.

Jun. 12th, 2008 05:29 pm (UTC)
Ouch! Creepy and hilarious. I'm next in the bleach and radiation shower.
Jun. 12th, 2008 05:32 pm (UTC)
Very creepy, the first one. There's... more. I couldn't take any more of the weird 13 year old's bug fantasies, though.
Jun. 12th, 2008 05:59 pm (UTC)
Wait, Nemo as in Finding Nemo, the animated movie?!?

AND BUG SEX? SERIOUSLY? You can't see me, but right now I'm stabbing my eyes out.
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
As in Finding Nemo. Some people are far more broken inside than me, Lee.

Bug Sex. Big, giant, alien bugs. (It's kind of hilarious, and kind of awful.)
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:01 pm (UTC)
OMFG!OMFG!*dies a little inside* I think the nude, partriot, incest was worse then the bug sex. I mean Jumpin' Jesus on a pogostick, WTF? How do you even think of this? Why do these women not have clits? *bangs head on desk*Seriously why are all the girls cock worshippers? I mean not to knock the cock, but come on. *CTFU* Nemo sex, that's just . . .
Glove Love *LMAO*
You are a queen among women for bringing this to us. *bows*
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC)
THe cock worship knows NO BOUNDS! It truly is a magical thing. Even insects want women to give birth to a cock!

And there's a sentence you don't read every day...
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:07 pm (UTC)
And there's a sentence you don't read every day...
i swear I'm going to write about Hermione's magical clit if these people don't cut it out. I just don't understand it.
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC)
Daisy had been petrified

Petrified, eh? So is Daisy stuck in a piece of amber?

Baby cocks! Please keep them away from my baby cow. *dies*

And can I say how appalled I am by the lack of apostrophes in the bug story? Although I guess better to not use them than to use them for plurals (which makes my baby cow weep).

I'm totally bookmarking "Glove Love" to read later. I've laughed too much at work today already. If I laugh more people might think I enjoy working here.

And finally, if I had a magical penis you would totally want to blow me. Don't deny it, bitch. Get down on your knees and put that purty mouth to good use, now.
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:35 pm (UTC)
I am terribly confused and disturbed now...

But I am inspired to write a story about two lost mittens who get it on. There will be thumb-sucking...

*wanders off to ponder the meaning of life*

And the bug sex? I just threw up a little in my mouth. I so did.

All in all, excellent bad!fic!!!! :D
Jun. 12th, 2008 06:59 pm (UTC)
STONEY YOUR BADFIC POSTS HAVE NEVER MADE ME SCROLL. Until now. I'm sorry. I started to lose my nerve around "seeping", then "bony proboscis" or similar, and then I BEGAN TO DIE. I will attempt to go back up. *scrolls*


I feel physically sick. This is the worst thing I have ever read. Tonight I will have nightmares about GIVING BIRTH TO A COCK. Oh god oh god oh god (sidenote - have you seen the pictures of ovulation?).
Jun. 12th, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC)
The bug sex...I read it all, Stoney, every last quote. And I will never be the same.
Jun. 12th, 2008 09:23 pm (UTC)
Wow! Thats just....Yeah, I got nothin'.
I may have Alien Bug Sex nightmares.
It's your fault. :-)
Jun. 13th, 2008 10:41 am (UTC)
OH MY GOD. The Nemo fic has traumatized me. Like, for reals.
Jun. 13th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
...what? What? WHAT??
Jun. 14th, 2008 08:42 am (UTC)
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! This is hilarious!

I always wondered what it was up with manga anime and aliens... tentacles... and what not. You've read any guru? It is seriously disgusting and the worst thing ever in erotic anime/manga you can see.... or read, for that matter.
Jun. 14th, 2008 01:29 pm (UTC)
*gags* Wow. I've seen some bad fic, and I've seen bad!fic. But never in my life have I ever seen anything that squicked me as much as those two stories. WHO COMES UP WITH THIS STUFF???!!! They need therapy in a big way.

*bleaches brain*
Jun. 18th, 2008 11:17 pm (UTC)
oh dear god. *facepalm*

You know, you think people have reached the highest level of stupidity, and then they clear the bar again.
Jun. 19th, 2008 12:46 am (UTC)
You know, I've gotten to the point where I KNOW there is no bottom to the well of ick. My soul is black and dead. :D
Jun. 19th, 2008 03:11 am (UTC)
Hee. I guess I just haven't quite given up on people yet. I know, how stupid of me? But I'm an optimist, what can I say? Well, I guess I could say I'm also a skeptic.. which makes for an odd twist of things..

And that was way more than you wanted to know so yeah.. *scuttles off now* :P
Oct. 14th, 2008 12:42 pm (UTC)
"the swollen seed pod at the base of its cock starting to force its way up his fat pipe" UNDO IT!! UNDO IT!! Now we know why it's shaped like BAMBOO. *cries*
I have no words. Just laughter.
The incest fic is just bizarre. Is the teachers magical penis sparkly? Cos his penis could be a vampire.
( 25 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

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