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With massive apologies to L.M. Montgomery. And those who love her.

It seems I forgot the birthday of one of the most important people in my life (no lie) by the name of lynnenne. For that, she gets a heart-warming story of a little red-headed girl named Vinnie, and the local boy that wants to be a doctor and have her/him for a wife, James.

One upon a time there was a sad little orphan girl who everyone mistreated named Vinnie. He worked for the horrid Brewsters for a few years, and they had three sets of twins. Three! Now, that was just too much. Evidently, it was, as Mr. Brewster died. Mrs. Brewster was a hateful old cow who not only parceled out her kids to undeserving relatives, she also blamed her husband's death on poor little orphan Vinnie. This made him even sadder than the saddest of the sad.

One day the lady that ran the orphanage said she was going to live with an old couple on Prince Edward Island, which was very exciting, as Halifax at the time was a shithole and PEI was The Place To Be. So Vinnie packed up her carpet bag with the loose handle, said goodbye to Katie-in-the-Glass, and waited at the trainstop, chattering like a magpie to anyone that would listen to him.

"I'm going to live on Prince Edward Island where people keep their word and friendships last forever!" she happily cried.

A very shy and old man - he's old so we don't have to worry about him doing anything untoward - came to pick her up, but was surprised because he thought he was picking up a boy. Nope, he was picking up Vinnie. She happily chattered to Matthew all the way to his house, Green Gables, until they came to a path lined with cherry trees.

Matthew thought to himself, "Finally, something to shut her up."

After several scrapes and snafus, Vinnie finally got to go to school. Fortunately, Vinnie was smart. I mean sharp as a tack. Her new bosom friend, Diana, whispered to Vinnie that the cutest boy in school was checking her out. Vinnie sat straighter in her chair; she was in school to learn I thank you very much.

"What's his name?" she finally whispered back to Diana.


"Hmph." Vinnie stuck her pert, freckled nose in the air, ignoring the "psst!"s and "ahem!"s from James.

James was clearly having none of this as he dared to call out, "Hey! Carrots!"

Well. If there was one thing Vinnie Shirley wouldn't stand for, it was mocking her hair color. She jumped to her feet, picked up her slate, and cracked it over James' head. "How dare you!!"

"Vinnie Shirley!" her teacher cried out. He was a simpering fool of a man. "If you like the attention of the boys so much, you can just go sit with them!"

Everyone in class "ooooh!"ed at this horrible and humiliating punishment. Vinnie stood ram-rod stiff, grabbed her things, and sat in the only available seat on the boys' side: the seat right next to James. She refused to acknowledge him.

"I'm sorry, Vinnie." James whispered plaintively, his "sorry" coming out with a long "o" sound, "soory."


"I'm really, really soory!"

"I said, Hmph!"

James laid his hand on Vinnie's calico'd shoulder, his thumb working back and forth along a pattern of vines on her apron. "Please. Let me make it up to you."

Vinnie felt a wetness between her legs and a tickling in her tummy. "What's happening to me?" she thought.

James scooted closer to her, the entire length of his leg pressing against hers. His hand slid down her arm and he laced his fingers with hers, bringing their hands under the desk. "I said I'm soory. You're so much prettier than that awful Josie Pye girl. I bet you can kiss better than her, too."

Vinnie bit her lip and rubbed her thighs together.

Just then, the school bell rang and everyone poured out of the one-room schoolhouse, including their teacher. They were all alone.

James ran his hand up Vinnie thigh, rucking up her ankle-length dress, exposing her petticoats. "I bet you're the smartest girl in class."

"Um..." Vinnie bit her full, luscious lip.

James' hand slid under the hem of her dress, the backs of his fingers making slow circles higher and higher up her petticoated thigh. "I bet you're so smart that you know you shouldn't stop what's happening between us."

And Vinnie nodded. After all, she would win the Avery Prize in a few years. She stood, laid face down over the desk, grabbed the chair back in front of that, and let James pull up her skirt and pull down her petticoats. "Call me: The Lady of Shalott."

And then he loved her. In the butt.

James, keening like a banshee as he climaxed, cried out, "The curtains do match the drapes!"

And they were in love for ever and ever. The End.


( 31 comments — Leave a comment )
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
James' carpets will never match his drapes.

But maybe his curtains will.

You're horrible. Don't ever stop.
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
I kind of like thinking that James Marsters uses Grecian Formula on his pubes, to keep the ladies (and gents) guessing. Is that just me?

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... - stoney321 - Jul. 6th, 2008 01:41 am (UTC) - Expand
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... - southernbangel - Jul. 6th, 2008 01:50 am (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Jul. 6th, 2008 01:52 am (UTC) - Expand
Jul. 6th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
Hahahahahahahahahahaha. This is the bestest birthday fic ever.

as Halifax at the time was a shithole and PEI was The Place To Be.

And so it remains to this day.

I love you, Stoney. In the butt. *draws hearts around it*
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:00 am (UTC)
I LOVE YOU LYNNE OF GREEN GABLES. *breaks a slate over your head*

Jul. 6th, 2008 01:48 am (UTC)
ZOMG, I just spent my day being dragged around the Living History Farms in Des Moines, and, among other things, being quizzed by a schoolmarm in period dress in an 1875 schoolhouse. As I sat there bored out of my skull, I couldn't help thinking that something was missing, and now I know what it was--tales of forbidden passion and butt sex. *snicker* If I could only have read this story before going there, I would have had a much more amusing time sitting at my little twin desk and letting my mind wander.
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:01 am (UTC)
I am almost done with my time machine (made so I can go back and not miss her birthday) so I'll see what I can't do about tweaking your visit. :D
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:08 am (UTC)
This obviously happened during the commercial break since I don't quite recall this part.

More's the pity.
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
This was the version that aired on Showtime, I believe. (The Canadian Public Broadcasting System had to edit it for American television.)
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:17 am (UTC)
You are so broken. I love you.
Jul. 6th, 2008 02:19 am (UTC)
I bet I love you more! *arm wrestles you*

(Deleted comment)
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:10 am (UTC)
<--Jonathan Crombie (what is it with me loving gay dudes?)
Gilbert was my first preteen boyfriend. (I "married" Luke when I was 7 after I saw Star Wars. Yes, I'm a bigamist.) I love those books with the force of a thousand suns.

There is NO Anne/Diana fic out there, which sucks. I've found some Phil/Anne, which is awesome.

And if you can, read LM Montgomery's "Emily" series. (Yes, that's where my kid got her name. *G*)
(Deleted comment)
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
Gilbert was my first literary boyfriend. Oh, Jonathan Crombie, why were you so perfect?

And yeah - James does. He's so freaky.
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:09 am (UTC)
Yes, you deserve much love in the butt for this... brilliant and definitely a very good birthday present for a wonderful person
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:56 pm (UTC)
Hahahahaha. Best feedback ever! :D
Jul. 6th, 2008 07:42 am (UTC)
I wish to print it and frame it and draw hearts and smoochy kisses on it.

Thanks ever so; I'm glad germaine_pet was born.
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
You should! Oh, wait. Don't until I finish manipulating a newpicture with Cordy as Marilla, Lorne as Matthew, and Doyle as Diana Barry. (Fred is going to be Josie Pye and Wesley is Mrs. Lynde.)

HEEE. You know what I love about you, Joy? You get why this is fun. And then you'll ooh and ahh with me over the real Anne. <3 As Emily of New Moon would say: You are of the Tribe of Joseph!
Jul. 6th, 2008 12:43 pm (UTC)
Mwahahahahaha!!! And now I want to read Anne of Green Gables... Darn. X-D
Jul. 6th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
Remembering all of this from memory made me want to read the whole story over again, too! It's been AGES.

Jul. 6th, 2008 02:46 pm (UTC)
Ha! Amazing. This was just what I needed to start off my Sunday!
Jul. 6th, 2008 04:00 pm (UTC)
I think it's safe to say that EVERYONE should always start a Sunday off this way. CLeanses the palate. Or something. :D
Jul. 6th, 2008 10:23 pm (UTC)
And then he loved her. In the butt.

*wipes away single perfect tear*
Jul. 6th, 2008 10:47 pm (UTC)
I'm so happy that my tale of true love and vegetable-hued hair was able to touch you so profoundly. My gift often humbles me...
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... - stoney321 - Jul. 6th, 2008 11:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Jul. 7th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)
You're broken. You have broken me. All the best stories have buttlove.


(PS hope everything is good with you!)
( 31 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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