This was written to amuse my friends and myself. I am not claiming to be the Mormon Vampire Authority, even though let's face it: I am the leading Mormon Vampire Authority. (Nutshell: laugh, or turn back now. This was meant for joking and is filled with dirty words they can't use on TV.) Also, you'll note that this was written a few years ago, so I don't always reply back to people. Feel free to strike up convos with anyone, however.
I can be found on twitter here.
The Secrets of the Sparkle a.k.a. TWILIGHT: STONIFIED (For real this time.)
So here's the thing. I was going to be all 'whipping out the smart essay, pointing out all the subconscious LDS meta' that SMeyers jammed in these books, showing how I thought she didn't even realize what she was borrowing (because honestly, I just don't think she's smart enough to lay it out there, you know?) But here's the thing:
THE BOOKS ARE REALLY REALLY DUMB. Like, "Strategery" dumb. So I'm giving back at the same reading-comprehension level if you will. And you will. There's so much dumb, in fact, that it will take a few posts to get it all out there. Here's the first book and change.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross so you could keep Dracula AND Superman away!
Hold on, hold on, I need to keep setting the tone:
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful, beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk." ~Jack Handy.
There is heavy word abuse in the book. The words abused the most are "beautiful," "perfect," "chagrin," and the one I wanted to scream every time I read it, "UGH." Because cop fathers would clearly say repeatedly, "Ugh." They're such bratty 13-year-olds that way.
Stephenie Meyer [From now on I'll call her SMeyers] claims that her name is spelled weird. Um, only in Utah, lady. Which, you know? Probably not, as here are some examples of some typical Mormon/Utah names, all people that I KNOW:
- Randilynn (guess what her dad's name is?)
- Mohonri Morianchimer
- Aereign <-- good fucking hell.)
Smeyers grew up in Phoenix and you know this because she likes to mention how awesomely huge it is. She likes it so much that her protagonist, Isabella Swan aka Bella, is from there and constantly reminds her father, Charlie, that Phoenix is waaaaaay bigger than Provo. I mean, Forks, Washington, where the story is set.
But let's dive into the story....
Meet Isabella Swan, aka the most annoying protagonist you'll ever come across.
She, by her own account, is awkward, clumsy (she is always balanced precariously over the knife's edge of almost dying from the danger of cutting a sandwich in half, walking down stairs, breathing... You never know what will force her to take a spill!), unloved by any friends or boys back home, is unattractive, and generally speaking, a loser. This is all by her own words, and she's the one telling the story. Instead of her being a heroine, I'm calling her a heroick.
Meet her mother, Renee:
Renee is childish and immature and scatterbrained, leaving poor Bella to be All Grown Up before her time. Renee is married to Phil, a baseball player, providing SMeyers an easy out to creating a relationship with these characters. He gets injured at one point, and requires all of Mom's attention. How convenient!
(Derek Jeter's Taco Hole!)
Bella moves in with her small town cop father, Charlie.
He's a gruff man who doesn't like to talk a lot. Now that's almost cheating, characters that don't want to talk or interact. But how easy for our Heroick to interact with the one person who matters? But not yet. Charlie gets her a car, and it's almost as unattractive and un-workable as Bella, nifty!
(those are actually cool trucks. Anyhoodle.)
She takes herself to school, and she's all emo and hissy, expecting the worst from the other kids because let's face it: she's ugly, she's awkward, and she's never had friends before, let alone a boyfriend.
Bella tries to fit in, stumbling, falling, and tripping all the way into the school.
(notice anything in the background? Neither does she. Also, are they made of real Girl Scouts? haha.)
BUT SOMEHOW, every single boy falls in love with her right off the bat. She makes their acquaintances:
First, the kicked puppy dog that is eager for more, Mike! (He's a total Weenis.)
The queen bee of the class who at first seems nice but ends up being kind of dumb and a bitch, Jessica!
The nice, quiet girl who doesn't ask any questions that could possibly expose any conflict or struggle or anything else that makes a plot readable, Angela!
Don't worry about remembering them because she doesn't give a shit about them, and as a result, neither do we.
Oh, but there's a boy. He's in her Biology class. And he's DREAMY. Also, he clearly hates her, she surmises, because he isn't falling over her like the other boys and also he scowls and SCOOTS AWAY FROM HER at their shared desk. Even though he scowls, he's perfect. PERFECT. Let's meet him:
I give you, Edward Cullen.
Wait, no, here he is:
Every time SMeyers would write about Edward, I would just boggle. She was drawing from everything we Mormons were taught about Good Ol' Joe - he was handsome, shockingly so, he could draw you in with just his presence, let alone when he spoke, down to his freaking nose and hair color. HI THERE CREEPY AUTHOR WANTING TO BONE YOUR PROPHET. (I have no problem with bible slash, etc. Just... I don't think she knows she's doing it.)
You know what's awesome about having a lead character with no flaws? Nothing! He's perfect in height, build, voice, eyes (golden!), dress, academics, talents, family, down to his CAR. I LOL'd when I read about this cosmopolitan, haute couture wearing, bon vivant's car. A VOLVO.
If I may quote Mallory Keaton, "It's like a refrigerator on wheels!" Now, I know that new Volvos are great cars, but why not a freaking Porsche SUV? And do you notice that the perfect man drives an SUV?? Before those cars were common, they were called MAVs by everyone in Utah and Arizona (a suburb of Utah, if you will. Again: you will.) MAV = Mormon Assault Vehicle. (Need something big to cart around that big ol' family, huh?)
Bella is MORE CONVINCED THAN EVER that
...not if Edward can help it, missy!
Turns out? Are you ready? You'll never guess this because Edward has a) been in the sunlight, b) walks amongst humans, c) has normal (but perfect) teeth. He is a VAMPIRE you guys! And he doesn't hate Bella. It's the opposite. He is COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED with LOVE for this veritable stranger because she smells so fucking good. Like, the best smell you can think of? DOESN'T COMPARE, BITCHES. And he's been sniffing her surreptitiously since she got to town.
She is delicious, delicious meat to him, but he will hold back because she is the one, and although he doesn't understand it, he has waited almost 100 years for her. They were meant to be. Just like how Mormons believe they picked their spouses and families in the "pre-existence." (See: Saturday's Warrior and "It's My Turn On Earth" for more on this crappy LDS concept)
Edward is pure white (and delightsome. See: Book of Mormon's drumbeat that perfect, righteous people are white, or will be PERFECTED IN HEAVEN and made white. No, really. Six times it says that in particular.) and is hard as marble and smart as a crack on the cheek and cold as a bag of frozen peas. And when he steps into the sun, he DAZZLES! Without jazz hands!
Edward also doesn't believe in open mouth kissing, swearing, chewing tobacco, drinking caffeine, and enjoys time with his family. HE IS THE PERFECT MORMON BOY. But he does like following Bella everywhere she goes, monitoring her every move, because that is what boys who love you do. he also feels the need to carry Bella everywhere she goes (she might fall and hurt herself! Say, isn't it INTERESTING that a clumsy, accident prone person is involved with vampires? She might spill her own blood at any moment, causing a feeding frenzy!) I'm surprised that Bella's leg muscles don't atrophy from the lack of use.
But there's something else besides Edwards perfection drawing her to him. Well, besides his perfection and his kick ass soccer mom ride and blinged out sunwhite. And besides that whole "I knew you before you were born and now we can be a proper family for eternity" Mormon stuff. HE HAS THE SWEETEST BREATH. We are told this (as well as of his perfection) over and over and over again.
Or a peppermint patty. SWEET, is what I'm saying.
But to make sure that there is NO CONFLICT WHATSOEVER in this story, Edward (and his vampire family) ABSTAIN from humans. Because they only eat animals - specifically predators because they taste so damn good - they consider themselves to be Vegetarians. That word... I do not think it means what you think it means. Isn't that hilarious? What a crack up Smeyers is! As a result of their "vegetarianism" their eyes aren't red like normal vampires. They are the butteriest gold that ever was imagined. The gold color is, in a nutshell, perfect. Like him.
Edward, because he's the perfect guy to bring home to Dad, minus the drinking blood, immortal, creepy stalker thing, doesn't want them to hook up. Because he could hurt her! (How convenient an excuse for guys would that be? I WILL hurt you eventually, so let's not hook up. *totally gets in her panties*)
But Bella whines. But Edward is stoic. But Bella pleads. But Edward is unrelenting. Then he relents because there is no conflict in this story. Time to bring her home to meet the perfect family!
Perfection = a constant drum beat in the Mormon church. You aren't supposed to try to be perfect, you are supposed to be perfect. Your family is the key to this, your family is the key to everything. Your happiness and most importantly, your backstage pass to get into the Penthouse Suite of Heaven where you live forever. Hey, what does that sound like? (One apostate can keep the whole family from heaven!)
Everyone in Edward's family is: you guessed it, perfect. They all look like they stepped out of a catalog. The people who matter:
Rosalie, originally designed for Edward, but it didn't take. He turned down the blonde, perfect goddess in favor of Bella, dumpy, sallow-skinned, inky-haired stumbling Bella. He's so DREAMY! Or possibly has control issues. Rosalie hates Bella. We don't know why for a loooooong time. But why would you need to know? Just accept!
Rosalie's "forever temple sealed true love due to his scent" man is Emmett. Emmett grunts a lot, laughs at the thought of fighting because he's gets a boner for it, and would be a complete douche in RL and probably is that guy that always owes you money. But even with that, he, too, is perfect.
Jasper, boyfriend to Alice (coming soon) who is the one that is the youngest (read: remembers human blood as delicious treats) and has a special power, mood altering. Like having acid or some bennies at any given moment, sweeeeeeeet.
Alice, who cannot walk, she dances. Alice, who can read the future (unless you change your mind.) Alice, who loves to shop and spend and buy and give. Alice, who is delicate and twee and a whirlwind of gaiety. Alice, the plot device. Also, she's always checking out your future and looking cryptic. Um, thanks?
And because I can't help myself...
NATURALLY the entire family (save Beautiful, Perfect Rosalie) loves her and has NO ISSUES with her dropping out of school, becoming a vampire, and marrying Edward for all time and eternity, which is her goal. They find her utterly charming and delightful. Many of them, too, carry Bella around because... who the fuck knows. The bitch can't take two steps without keeling over. Jasper hovers a lot because he wants to drain her body of all its blood like any self-respecting vampire. Edward then takes Bella on an exposition tour of the house, telling her snippets of how each of the Cullens became vampires.
"Late at night an angelic visitor came into my room and gave me the keys to
Edward has a gift like Alice has a gift. These spring up with other vampires as SMeyers realizes she needs a plot device to stand in place for any conflict. Edward can READ MINDS. But not Bella's. Oh, how he longs to hear her thoughts! Her every thought. No, that's not disturbing.
Bella sometimes wishes he could, but any normal teenager would DIIIIEEEE at the thought.
Now that he loves Bella - I mean, he did stop the van + she smells of duck liver = ETERNAL LOVE - he can come back to school and enjoy smelling her
He sneaks into her bedroom at night and watches her sleep. All night. Every night. No, that isn't both creepy and really really boring, that is ROMANTIQUE. Note: to comply with LDS standards, Bella wraps in a quilt before snuggling with her perfect marble statue every night. Mostly because he's cold as ice. (Willing to sacrifice our love!)
Her free daytime is spent with the Cullens who adore her and can't wait to convert her to
They all dote on her and buy her things which pisses her off. "Quit using your ill-gotten wealth on me! Not because I have moral qualms with you having said money, but because there has to be conflict! I'm conflicted with you buying me things, THERE, Mr. Editor!"
Well, not everyone loves her. Rosalie is all "check out my IMMORTALITY, BITCH. But I'd give it all up to be mortal AND HAVE BABIES because THAT is how I could TRULY be perfect!" Ah, there's the rub! (And really? You hate Bella because of her womb, not because she's lame and whiny? Huh.)
But sometimes the Cullens have to go into the woods on "hikes" so they can eat predators, which they really shouldn't because that fucks up nature's balance, but WHATEVER. They go eat some grizzlies and polar bears and mountain lions, which I find hilarious because the cougar is the mascot of BYU. I see what you did there, Smeyers!
Bella wants to die, as bad as Buffy when Angel kisses her. But somehow she doesn't keel over dead when her boyfriend is gone for a half-second and she's able to meet the newest doormat in her life, Jacob, a Lamanite. Er, not the people that once were white and because of iniquity were cursed to be brown, copper-flecked injuns of the Book of Mormon, but a Native American Indian filled with interesting lore and a hardon for our Heroick for whatever contrived reason that's not ever explained.
(Um, trade in the cold marble dude for this hottie. I'm just saying, those drum circles go on for DAYS. Hey-o, euphemism! <-- mine, not Smeyers because she doesn't know that word.)
She can CLEARLY TELL that Jacob is into her, and she pretend flirts with him to get him to talk about Edward. No, that's not shitty. Instead of talking about Edward, he delivers us a lot of exposition about werewolves and vampires, not believing any of it, himself. His elderly father, who is in a wheelchair and is the leader of the tribe, is Billy.
...could there be something to this shape-shifter wolf thing? We'll have to wait for Book 2 to get confirmation! I think Billy wishes he could transform into a wolf.
HAHAhAHAHA, that is so wrong, but come on!
Edward comes home and everything goes back to being nice and obsessive.
So... there's the first 200+ pages of Twilight. Time for some plot/intrigue! The family has a fun Family Home Evening (I didn't catch if it was Monday night in the book. That would have been AWESOME.) by playing baseball.
Vampire baseball. <-- that should mean baby heads for the ball, or something, instead it means they zip around super fast and throw the ball crazy hard. Whee.
SOMETHING FINALLY HAPPENS! A trio of bad vampires (read: they're Jack Mormons and don't adhere to the Word of Wisdom, aka vegetarianism) show up and they wanna share the snack. Bella. Quelle horror!
James is the sneaky guy that looks like the follower of the 3 but is the LEADER. Psyche!
He is hot. And a tracker! SMeyer remembered she created special "gifts" for some of the vampires, so she chucks that into the mix. He will ALWAYS be able to find whatever he's hunting. DUN DUN DUUUUUUN! The Cullens chase them off, but they'll be back, you'll see. YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!
Alice freaks and gets a vision of a dance studio. ...and James! Time to force some more plot into the mix! Alice and Jasper (because he can keep, like, Bella all mellow and stuff. Put on the B side to Led Zep IV and just let the sensations wash over you, man) take Bella to Phoenix - where the dance/ballet studio is - because James is gonna get her mom! That couldn't be a ruse could it?
Bella is stupid, though, and doesn't believe that the vampires with special superpowers can save her from Brad Pitt Lite, and she doesn't understand fake outs, so she sneaks away to force her character into peril, hoping the audience will give a shit.
And then it is ON like RED DAWN, y'all! Dance Battle in Phoenix!
James spirit fingers Bella's ass into the glass and breaks her leg, taping the whole thing to make Edward ka-ray-zee with rage so THEY can fight. *head desk*
Edward - of course - manages to get all the way to exactly where she is at exactly the right moment to
This is from the upcoming movie and it makes me laugh.
(They're totes about to make out.)
Oh, right, our heroine. Edward rips (literally) James to pieces, pulls Bella into a tight embrace (tight embraaaaace!) and she's saved, no thanks to herself. Yadda yadda, true love, Edward is perfect perfect skin mouth lips hair eyes blah blah and he reminds her of Michelangelo's David. Which, clearly SMeyers doesn't know her history, because David was his lover. Wait, look back up at that picture. Maybe she knew after all? hahaha.
She goes back trying to convince Edward to dry hump her, which seriously: that would bruise. He's marble, remember? Edward is
Back to the epilogue, because it's important to dangle a thread before the buying public. James, now dead, had HIS eternal sealed in the temple met in the pre-existence love with them in the clearing, Victoria, with a fiery head of bright orange hair. And she vows to destroy Bella. Tit for tat. Watch out, Bella! Can her perfect perfect beautiful boyfriend with superpowers possibly save her from a random, seldom mentioned character? I'm dying to find out!!
Stay tuned for more! [CLEEEEEK for Part 2!]