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LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 2: The Sparkle Has Left Your Eyes! Now with 70% less sparkle! (Yuh huh! Yuh huh!)

Again, allow me to set the tone right off the bat:

Previously on Twinklecrest.... [This is part two of a sporking. You don't need to read the first part, but you should. :D]

Victoria - red headed vamp that is forced into the storyline as a baddie - is no challenge because there's no conflict in these books

No, because Bella has the Cullens on her side!\o/

Everything is perfect. Edward and Bella are in obsession love, Edward and his family know that Bella wants to convert, but Edward is holding back. Probably because he doesn't want to see his True Love get sexy in her Gs. (If she doesn't convert, she won't marry him in the temple, so no garments!)


So aside from them not being sealed for time and all eternity, everything is perfect. Edward is still stalking stalking Bella every night, sneaking into her room unbeknownst to her father. The cop. Way to ingratiate yourself, dude! You only had what, 90+ years to figure this crap out? But he does remember the moral codes of his day. No woman of his will work, she can stay home with her Victory Garden, tending the babies, and providing polite, yet erudite conversation when they entertain Judge Smalls and other local dignitaries. Wait, he's a vampire now. She will learn to scrapbook and play piano and will be rewarded with a fast car and eternal life! BLISS.

There is no conflict and we've got how many books to go? *thunk* This is when Smeyers puts on her dish-washing gloves, snaps on the swimming mask, and plays THE HAVOCINATOR: Edward will leave Bella!

(He's so upset about what's going to happen he might poop. Or get crossed eyes.)

Just like Bella, we're totally confused. What? Why? Oh, because some ASSHOLE *cough*Jasper*cough* tried to eat her at her birthday party because she got a papercut unwrapping a gift she didn't want from Alice. GODDAMMIT ALICE. This is what comes of you and your bountiful gifts!! Bella was so mad that you just HAD to throw her a birthday party, you just HAD to decorate the 3 mile long drive to your house, you just HAD to make her feel special, you selfish, freakish bitch.

GOD. I mean, GOSH. (God is never uttered as a swear in any of these books, incidentally. Mormons do NOT say "God." Hence the "Oh My Heck" phrase. Naughty Mormons say "Oh My Hell.")

So because STOOPID dancing flitting-about future-seeing-


-wait. Alice can see the freaking future and she didn't anticipate a papercut driving her eternal love forever sealed Jasper into a feeding frenzy? What the hell good is she then? ALICE: that is what GIFT BAGS were created for. Why don't you try looking at more than what outfit to wear tomorrow and check out some gift-wrapping technology for a change!

Edward decides that CLEARLY the only thing that can fix this problem is for every one of the Cullens to pack up and move. Clearly.

(read: Edward leaves for his mission and Bella is going to have to put herself in cold storage until he gets back so they can get married right away like all good LDS kids!)

Edward sneaks into Bella's room and takes everything he ever gave her, every picture (AHEM VAMPIRES DO NOT HAVE REFLECTIONS ERGO THEY CANNOT BE PHOTOGRAPHED YOU STUPID STUPID WOMAN) because Bella might do something unseemly to his pictures, like cut a hole over the mouth and SOUL KISS HIM. Obviously he cannot allow her to sully herself like that. He must protect her chastity by taking all semblance of himself away, so it's like "he never existed."

Bella goes blank. <-- remember that. She begins running through the forest, her grief overwhelming her. THANKFULLY the Lamanites, er, Quileute Indians are on the cop's team and they go looking for her. The Leader of the Pack of youth (Billy - wheelchair - unable to search the woods) is Sam

and he finds her and brings her home.

And then....

THE BOOK GOES BLANK. Let me repeat myself. THE BOOK. GOES BLANK. Because? Well, if she doesn't have a BOY, then she is NOTHING. I want every girl to read this and remember how important boys are to complete them. And then get in the kitchen and fix me a pot pie. Holy sheep shit, I thought people were exaggerating, but no: the book is blank for a good 10 pages. Hi, thanks trees for dying for this crap.

Bella, for whatever reason, comes to and is in so much pain, it's like there's a giant hole in her chest. She's constantly wrapping her arms around her torso, because there's a hole there. Literally. Okay, not literally, because she would be dead. OH I C WHUT U DID THERE SMEYERS.

Personally, I like to think that Mola Ram snuck in (hell, everyone can evidently break into a COP'S HOUSE), stood over her as she slept and began chanting "KALI MAAAA!"

Bella is going through the motions, but realizes that for - wait for it - FOUR MONTHS she's been a zombie, hurting every one that loves her. Which, remember, is everyone.

So what the hell happened during those four months? In Smeyers head I imagine a lot of staring and listening to Morrissey. But who wants to think that? So I've come up with some activities that Bella SHOULD have participated in.

She could have volunteered at the Church Cannery:

Or helped rebuild New Orleans:

The Marine Corp could always use a hand:

How about a soup kitchen?

Okay, she doesn't want to give back, how about joining NuSkin (a Mormon company) and attending a conference? It's just like becoming a Mormon, except with lotions and vitamins!

...No? Okay, what about Scrapbooking? There's not a good LDS girl that doesn't enjoy a scrapbook-themed gathering of righteous women!

At least get that goshdarn look off your face, you whiny, emo brat.

Bella comes to a realization one night when she sets herself to potentially be raped. (Yeah, I know. Just shake your head and move past the forced drama.) When she's close to death, SHE CAN HEAR DEAD PEOPLE EDWARD IN HER HEAD. Bing! So now she just needs to flirt with death so they can be together again. What a FANTASTIC MESSAGE to give young ladies. I'm surprised each book didn't come with razor blades and fill in the blank suicide notes. (Laminated, so you can change it for every boy you crush on!)

BELLA: You need a little Queen Latifah in your life. She'll set you straight!

She does NOT approve of your foolishness, a'ight?

Oh, hey, wasn't there another boy that crushed on her that we can make some conflict with? CALLING JACOB BLACK!

Why, hello there, Mister. You've grown up quite nicely. Not that Bella's interested in you. Except... because you're lower class/poor, you must know how to fx things! Let's fix up two motorcycles and I'll ride mine to my death and be with Edward always!

Despite herself, Bella makes friends with Jacob. In fact, he becomes her best friend! And she's aware of his undying love for her (again, we never figure out WHY people love her - she's a whiny, self-indulgent, emo baby) but she doesn't care. She *says* she cares, but she doesn't. Through the course of their spending loads of time together, Jacob lays the groundwork for a possible sinister plot involving Wes Studi Sam and a few of the younger high school Indian kids. They're forming a gang!

Jacob later figures out that they're not a gang doing Bad Things, they're WEREWOLVES. And... he's one of them! They're the natural enemy of vampires! HOW CONVENIENT.

The young kids from the reservation like to do dangerous things that Sam tells them to do, like cliff diving!


That's what Bella can do to bring Edward's voice into her head, ergo, bringing them together!

...hey, remember that dancing, twirling, happy and crazy vampire that can see the future? Well, she sees a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff. Turns out? She can't see the Indians in the future. (Because Lamanites won't be there unless they repent and come back to the Church, and then they'll be made White And Delightsome, which means they won't look like themselves in heaven, which is why she can't see them.) So Alice doesn't know that Jacob is there to save her.


Edward makes the only natural choice. He is going to die if she is dead. ...if you've got some Zeffirelli in your head (Romeo and Juliet) then Smeyers is all, "My work here is done." NO IT ISN'T. And incidentally, Smeyers? If you want to write about obsessed youth, first love, and the dangers of that, you might want to pop in a hot little number called Endless Love featuring a very beautiful Brooke Shields. Then again, the parents there let her boink her boyfriend in her house, the mom falls in love with said boyfriend, a house burns down, and a father is killed, so it's a bit more... complex than anything you've created here.

(Here's a clip and hahahaha you'll be singing this all day.)

THAT, my friends, is how you do this sort of tale. Again: Zeffirelli. He's awesome.

But let's get back to our Edward needing to drink the poison from his sweet love's lips, er, go to the VaticanVolterra, Italy and have the vampire Pope Volterri kill him.

See, turns out? There's an old group of vamps that live in Italy (ahem) and they enforce the code of conduct that pass for the morals of their world (ahem) and if Edward reveals that he's a vampire to the Italian public, then they'll have to kill him for sparkling. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Note: Mormons are very smug about Catholics. Because Catholics have a made up authority to God. The Mormons are the REAL authority, so they are quite amused that the Pope thinks he talks to Jesus. The Mormons believe they aren't a branch off the Catholic church like Protestants, they came up with, er, they were given the keys to knowledge and truth separate from the Catholics. Which... the Cullens took it upon themselves to not eat people and to be righteous and moral, they didn't get the idea from the Volturri. I C WHUT U DID THAR, SMEYERS.

Old Mormon joke: The Pope and the Prophet are hanging out, and decide to call up Jesus. The Pope say, "I've got a phone at the Vatican, we can call him there." The Prophet say, "No, no, I've got his number and if we call from the temple, it's a local call." HAR HAR DE HAR HAR. So naturally, the evil controlling vampires that aren't good like the Cullens are Catholics. I mean, Italian.

Edward calls Bella's house, though, to make sure she's dead. In a forced moment of plot, Charlie - her dad - has a fishing buddy that dies, so he goes to the funeral, leaving Jacob in charge of watching over Bella. Paris Jacob answers Edward's phone call and says that Charlie is "at the funeral."

Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love!

*prepares to rip shirt off so he can sparkle to death!*

Alice's Edward sense is tingling.

She realizes there is an unauthorized sparkling about to happen so she figures out Bella isn't dead, just wet and stupid, and grabs her, takes over the exposition portion of our story filling in all the Edward/Volturri nonsense, and they fly to Italy. And steal a car. But because Alice is so gosh darn incorrigible, she steals a Porsche to race to the Vatican.

Neither Bella or Edward have working brains at this point. Edward, seeing Bella before him in Italy, NATURALLY thinks she's a vision and not really there. But ruh-roe! The Pope's Volturri's guards see them and the unauthorized sparkling and for several pages (read: too damn many) we find out about the secret order of Vampire law/religion and have to deal with whether they will kill Edward or not, if they will kill Bella for knowing their secrets or not. Is anyone shocked to find out they won't? I didn't think so.

Yay, our heroes are saved! Charlie is pissed to come home from a funeral and find his teenaged daughter gone for three days. To Italy. (She happened to have a viable passport even though she'd never left the US. Uh huh.) Charlie also is pissed to see Edward again, since he turned his daughter into a zombie for months by leaving/breaking up with her.

Charlie does, however, approve of Jacob because he's a good guy and says "sure, sure" over and over so he can have some characteristics that are identifiable aside from being Indian.

Uh, oh, smack down between the two boys that love Bella! NOW we have some conflict! Except for how Bella doesn't love Jacob, he's just a friend, Edward is her obsession true love. But hey - we've got two more books to go, better string that kid along!

And since there ARE more books to sell, better throw in some more conflict. OH RIGHT. There was a crazy redhead that needs to kill her, add that.... *scribbles*

...and the Volturri can kill her if she doesn't become a vampire soon, get that in there... *scribbles more* OOH. Let's have Edward continue to not want her to be immortal, even though it makes no sense, and Bella will go to his family and make them vote on it, and they're all "Hell, yes we want you to convert!" but Rosalie doesn't because Bella can have babies and she can't and that gives me an idea for book four... *jots down some stuff* and heighten the "Dad hates Edward but loves Jacob thing" so we can make t-shirts....

Done! And now everyone will want to read book three for some damn answers! YAY.

Side note about the putting her immortality to a family vote. Uh... Yeah. Family = most important thing to Mormons. That's who you do everything with. You live close together, do things together all the time, and solve problems as a unit. Which, that's lovely. EXCEPT. One of my friends fiancès came from a big Mormon family. (He was Mormon, too)

When the mom and dad (his potential in-laws) wanted to have another baby, they would CALL EVERYONE TO A MEETING and discuss if they should "pro-create." You know, bullet points, pros and cons, pie charts. Then, if the kids GAVE THEIR APPROVAL, mom and dad would get a hotel room and make mom pregnant.

NO THAT IS NOT CREEPY. And? That is not too unusual in the Beehive State. In conclusion: WTFUCK.

Click here for Book Three: You Can't Date Rape The Sparkle!


( 257 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 29th, 2008 02:48 pm (UTC)
So much to love here, but this particular line nearly made me spew coffee on my monitor: Hi, thanks trees for dying for this crap.

Because I know that I will die or go blank if my boyfriend leaves me. Actually, I'll probably key his car. Hmm...
Aug. 29th, 2008 03:01 pm (UTC)
I am SO SAD about the trees that gave their lives for BLANK PAGES in a book. How can anyone think that is a) a good idea or b) clever?!?! GOOD LORD.
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Aug. 29th, 2008 02:59 pm (UTC)
the book is blank for a good 10 pages.

What?!?! That's ridiculous. What development editor let that through? What copyeditor let that through? What production manager and print buyer let that through? That's ... that's... I'm outraged right now. You just have no idea how much this bothers me as an editor. I just... this really upsets me.

Also - the Say Anything manip? Brilliant, but needs sparkle. *g*
Aug. 29th, 2008 03:03 pm (UTC)

I have the e-version, so I thought it was just weirdly formatted, turns out? Nope, 10 or 11 blank pages. WTF.

But Jacob doesn't sparkle! Which is why Bella can't love him, because she loves ice bergs and is stupid. ;D
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Oh no!!! - ext_134126 - Feb. 11th, 2009 07:05 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Aug. 29th, 2008 03:12 pm (UTC)
I would never, ever have known about the Mormons:Catholics :: Cullens:Voltari. THANK YOU.

Also WTF!
Aug. 29th, 2008 03:23 pm (UTC)


AAaaaaaand I've been singing "I hope they call me on a mission" all morning, and that makes me sad in my brain.
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We feminists have a joke too... - shaneener - Sep. 22nd, 2008 06:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
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Aug. 29th, 2008 03:25 pm (UTC)
Wow. These books are even more of a train wreck than I had imagined. I'd heard about the whole Bella-having-no-identity-without-Edward thing, but not that it was illustrated with one of the weakest and worst metaphors in the history of books. Christ, you can click on the random Wodehouse quote generator and find 1000% better metaphors, usually in two sentences or less!

I was driving along the other day and a thought occurred to me about the lack of conflict in the stories (yes, please pity me - I was thinking about these books against my will): it seems like the lack of character conflict goes hand in hand with the Mormon concept of not trying to attain perfection, but instead simply being perfect. That is, when one is perfect ("just as they are" <-- today's Colin Firth reference), it implies that any conflict in one's life necessarily comes from outside forces. So this aspect of the books ends up seeming like another one of Smeyers' weak and wet metaphors taken from Mormon dogma. What amazes me is that millennia of story telling tradition has been turned on its head and many, many people don't seem to notice or mind the lack of this crucial (or so I always thought) story ingredient.

The awful metaphors and the amazing popularity of books built on annoying characters moving nearly plot-free through hundreds of pages is making me fear these books will stand the test of time after all, because I can see them being studied for those reasons alone for generations to come ::cries for western civilization::.

In conclusion, Indiana Jones references are made of win...and so are you. Thanks for doing these.
Aug. 29th, 2008 03:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, thanks for the link to the Wodehouse Generator, that's awesome!

And I think I agree with that, re: conflict. Also, I really just think she's a poor writer. But I can see what you're saying. EXACTLY on the outside conflict is the problem.

"In the world, but not of it" is the Mormon creed. We're perfect inside our bubble, the world is wrong.

I really, really think that these books are her way of subconsciously rebelling against her own upbringing. She'd NEVER voice any concerns or questions, because you're supposed to have a perfect faith. But she married young, had babies young, and missed out on a lot of life. I'm sure the romance is gone from her marriage at this point (hi, did you see the garments? your underwear goes OVER that. You always wear them, except for showering.) and she's manufactured this fantasy that can still fit into her belief system.

CREEPY. Also: Om ma Shiva!
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Aug. 29th, 2008 03:26 pm (UTC)
Blank? As in... blank? White pages with nothing written on them at all?

...Sounds like an improvement, actually.

I absolutely love these reviews - both for the funny and the creepy LDS thing. Question - do you think she's doing it on purpose (Twilight: buy the books, see the movie, join the church!) or is it just that she's so deep in the shit that she can't see the world working any other way?

Oh, and:

CORDELIA: Wesley! Look who was staying here in '52.
WESLEY: Well. Now we know one thing for certain.
CORDELIA: Yep. It's not that vampires don't photograph, it's just that they don't photograph *well*.
Aug. 29th, 2008 03:33 pm (UTC)
BLANK. BLANK PAGES. (I think there's headers, like, OCTOBER [three blank pages] NOVEMBER [more blank pages])

It's ridiculous!! And about your question, see my comment right above this one. I think a LOT of this (especially her hard on for Joseph Smith) is all subconscious. It's NEVER okay to make Joseph - for example - anything but holy.

...wait, they can be photographed? I don't remember that! I'll have to put on S2, huh?
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Aug. 29th, 2008 03:30 pm (UTC)
Blank Pages? I hope some industrious people have been writing this is the stupidest device in the stupidest book ever so those trees won't have given their lives in vain.

In all of this crap, I'm happy to have "Endless Love" stuck in my head. Oh, and the sexy image of Mormon garments. Yowza, so hot!
Aug. 29th, 2008 03:34 pm (UTC)
Good hell, isn't Endless Love a sexy and heartbreaking movie? (Although I find her dad creepy in that clip. Ditto on her mom, too.)

GARMENTS. You don't know how sad I was as a kid knowing I would be wearing those for eternity. Your bra goes OVER that. Hi, bunchy!
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Aug. 29th, 2008 04:05 pm (UTC)
*cough* did you notice the hole in her chest came along for the ride? Hahaha.

Oh, the awfulness hasn't even BEGUN. They just get steadily worse. So hopefully, I can be the counterweight to that. :D
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Aug. 29th, 2008 03:59 pm (UTC)
I am not familiar with the Mormon religion at all so thank you for adding an at least interesting layer of creepy to this awful drivel.

I made a vow to not get rid of a single book out of my library about 10 years ago, but I'm reconsidering with the first two books of smeyers' craptet. My only concern is spreading this evil to other people. Oh, the humanity!

Aug. 29th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
There are all sorts of great blog posts around dissecting these books, but I didn't see any of them address the LDS issue, so here I am! :D

...need to start any fires?
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Thank You! - (Anonymous) - Jan. 9th, 2009 12:11 am (UTC) - Expand
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Aug. 29th, 2008 04:03 pm (UTC)
Yeah, the blank pages thing made me gag, too. I told Monstrous, who showed me, that that was *totally stupid* and Bella was a complete loser for basically having *nothing* to say while Edward was gone. 'Get a life, Bella!' Sheesh.
Aug. 29th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
Hopefully Monstrous was in agreement with you! (I'm guessing she was. *g*)
Aug. 29th, 2008 04:49 pm (UTC)
I have seen the blank page thing being used good in one book, Laura Palmers Diary. (Yes, the chick from Twin Peaks...) But not that many pages. That is just silly. :-P *sigh* It is getting worse, and worse, and worse, isn't it?

Most creppy picture here? The underwear... When I saw them, I was... WTF?
Aug. 29th, 2008 05:17 pm (UTC)
See, I can get the Laura Palmer diary working because she's actually dead. (Um, fictional death, but you get my point. *G*) With Bella? It's so fucking emo-tastic and lame.

Yeah - I wasn't sad about never having to wear those when I left the religion, that's for damn sure.
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Aug. 29th, 2008 05:13 pm (UTC)
*peeks in*


Every time I see LDS, the first thing I think of is LSD. Coincidence?? Probably not!
Aug. 29th, 2008 05:16 pm (UTC)

Hahaha, you aren't the first LOL! Church sermons should start with that being passed out. it would make the next three hours tolerable.
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Aug. 29th, 2008 05:30 pm (UTC)
Would you like your sex now or later?
Aug. 29th, 2008 05:37 pm (UTC)
Oooh, now please!

I'm off to the shops for some wine. Would you like red or white poured over you?
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Aug. 29th, 2008 05:33 pm (UTC)
THE BOOK GOES BLANK. Let me repeat myself. THE BOOK. GOES BLANK. Because? Well, if she doesn't have a BOY, then she is NOTHING. I want every girl to read this and remember how important boys are to complete them.

I would say that you have got to be kidding me, except I doubt you are. *blinks* And there are mothers out there buying these books for their daughters. *cries for the female youth of today*

Btw, wth happened to the outraged throngs of people who protested the Harry Potter books? Why aren't they just as outraged by the vampire motif? Or have I missed the organized rallies?

Lastly, might I just say that I have never been more glad to be agnostic? Geesh. The whole religion thing is just way too out there for me.
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
IS THAT NOT THE WORST?? She ceases to EXIST without her boyfriend. Good fucking hell.

and you have an excellent point about this vrs. the HP book burning. My guess? Christians think this is okay because the Bible never specifically mentions vampires, and they promote abstinence. *EYE ROLL*

And proud atheist right here, agreeing with your last sentence!
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Aug. 29th, 2008 05:35 pm (UTC)
That was totally made of awesome!!! I especially loved the dirt bike panel.

Aug. 29th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
Hahahaha, I'm so happy you liked the dirt bike pic. That one still makes me LOL. :D
Aug. 29th, 2008 05:41 pm (UTC)

I thought, I mean, I read that, yeah, but I thought it was, y'know, HYPERBOLE NOT ACTUALITY.

*pulls up her Catholic petticoat and flees to the Vatican*

Aug. 29th, 2008 07:19 pm (UTC)

Be careful when you're at the Vatican: look for any sparkles in dark alleyways and you might find your true love!
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( 257 comments — Leave a comment )


Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

Time Wot It Is

April 2017
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