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LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 2: The Sparkle Has Left Your Eyes! Now with 70% less sparkle! (Yuh huh! Yuh huh!)



Again, allow me to set the tone right off the bat:



When we last left our heroick, she was falling and stumbling and obsessing over a boy.... That's exactly where we find her again.Collapse )

Comments

( 257 comments — Leave a comment )
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bu_doodlebug
Aug. 29th, 2008 05:57 pm (UTC)
Oh. My. God. I love you. And your icon. You win so hard.
stoney321
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:19 pm (UTC)
Did you see the one before this? It's the link at the top at the word "Previously."
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demonqueen666
Aug. 29th, 2008 06:13 pm (UTC)
And here I thought these books were effed-up enough, before I realized they were all ONE GIANT METAPHOR FOR MORMANISM. Creeeepy.

Though as always your informative snarkitude makes me laugh. As do your amazing graphics. The one of the motorbikes with Bella's sparkling thought bubble and handi-capable furBilly in the background made me lol.
stoney321
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Yeah - the thing is, I think she wanted to write something that would fit in with her beliefs, but didn't realize she was writing LDS fanfiction with Joseph Smith as the One True Love.

I'm v v happy that you are laughing at the pics. furBilly makes me laugh every time I stick him in a pic. (He's in another one, incidentally.)
bitchygrrl
Aug. 29th, 2008 06:32 pm (UTC)
CTFU
stoney321
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:21 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, YAY!
julia_here
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:24 pm (UTC)
You are my hero!

(Also: icon is 18th century Spanish drawing of two sons of the Makah chief; Makah are neighbors to the Quileute to the north).

Julia, not sure if the cultural appropriation thing is worse than the bad sexual politics or not; it's a near thing.
stoney321
Aug. 29th, 2008 08:05 pm (UTC)
*dons cape* My superpower is clearly being able to endure flaming bad fic without pain!
viciouswishes
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:32 pm (UTC)
Why is 1/5th of America enthralled with these books? Oh, yeah. *remembers witness people go left around round-about*

At least they had a Porsche in Italy. Though a Ferrari or other Italian car would've been better.

Is it sad that I'm cheering for Jacob?

These books need a smack down in so many ways. Thank you for contributing.
stoney321
Aug. 29th, 2008 08:04 pm (UTC)
It's probably more than 1/5, honestly. I took that whole thing from the Miss Teen USA meltdown from last year. :D

(watch it here - it's freaking hilarious and... pretty pathetic)

You know what? I cheered for him, too. Then I read book 3. You'll see what I mean soon enough... (see: last line of this post.)
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revolutionaryjo
Aug. 29th, 2008 11:25 pm (UTC)
Your recaps = AWESOME

I can't wait for part three! This is much preferred to actually reading the books.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:28 am (UTC)
Yay! And it's funny.... cleaning cat boxes is preferred to actually reading the books. ;)
padparadscha
Aug. 30th, 2008 01:32 am (UTC)
This has it all! Scrapbooking! Utah swearing! (If you are a teenage girl, don't forget to insert a "w" into "gosh": "Oh my gwosh!") Famous Mormon Underwear! (That was totally going to be the name of my rock band until I found out that "crash migraine" is an honest-to-gwosh medical term.) Yes, the Twilight Saga: So Mormon some of us can't believe no one else sees it!
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:30 am (UTC)
The w must be a new thing! It was always "Garsh, Gargia, that's a gargeous ahrange farmal" in the Provo/American Fork area. Ah, the Utah accent: ugly as hell. :D
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
hahaha to your icon.

And I have a superpower: withstanding the pain of bad!fic. I live to protect and serve.
speakmarionette
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:20 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for posting this! I found this hilarious (especially the pictures) and very interesting.
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:40 am (UTC)
You are quite welcome, and those were both the reactions I was shooting for. :) (Side note: if you want serious stuff on Mormons, hit my user info page for links to my Mormon religion posts and my book journal.)
kita0610
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:31 am (UTC)
But.

I LIKE scrapbooking. :/
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:39 am (UTC)
And you do a wonderful job, as does mmy s-mom. It's just... it's like a part of the religion now. It's weird. Also, pyramid scrapbooking schemes are all over Utah, and that cracks me the fuck up.

*still has your beautiful holiday card, actually*
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andymcnope
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:42 am (UTC)
THE BOOK GOES BLANK. Let me repeat myself. THE BOOK. GOES BLANK. Because? Well, if she doesn't have a BOY, then she is NOTHING. I want every girl to read this and remember how important boys are to complete them. And then get in the kitchen and fix me a pot pie. Holy sheep shit, I thought people were exaggerating, but no: the book is blank for a good 10 pages. Hi, thanks trees for dying for this crap.

OMFG! (and that's OH MY FUCKING GOD, not OH MY FREAKING GOSH) Are you serious? My copy was illegal downloaded, so it did not have the blank pages. WTF.

So what the hell happened during those four months? In Smeyers head I imagine a lot of staring and listening to Morrissey.

No, remember, she hated MUSIC for those four months, because every song reminded her of Edward. I agree that she should've volunteered with the scary Mormons in the follow-up pics done things more productive.

What a FANTASTIC MESSAGE to give young ladies. I'm surprised each book didn't come with razor blades and fill in the blank suicide notes. (Laminated, so you can change it for every boy you crush on!)

I love you now, more than ever.

be back for more in a sec!
stoney321
Aug. 30th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
See, mine was an ebook, too, so I just thought it was weirdly formatted in my Kindle. NOPE. 10 fucking wasted pages for every book.

It's just craziness, right? Yay for making fun, wheeee! Ahahaha.
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darlas_mom
Aug. 30th, 2008 04:26 am (UTC)
Wow. Just...wow.

I went to a Mormon private school for a year, I had Mormon friends my whole childhood, I went to seminary briefly when I was fifteen and I watch "Big Love" now, yet almost all of this stuff went STRAIGHT THE FUCK OVER MY HEAD.

Though I did know about the Catholic thing. I remember being there when a few former Catholics spoke at a Mormon thing about how they came to be Mormon. I was eleven and not-Catholic, and still offended. Especially because the converts in question were Mexicans that didn't speak any English (their impassioned testimonies were translated by a nearby missionary). It seemed to me like they had somehow been horribly taken advantage of.

Also, the NuSkin thing cracked me right the fuck up. My Mormon friend's mom was into something similar called Sunrider, which was a big pyramid scheme with crappy-tasting diet food and nutritional supplements. Did you ever see/hear of that one?

Horrible Mormon flashbacks aside, your take on "Twilight" continues to be made of absolutely side-splitting WIN.

Edited at 2008-08-30 04:26 am (UTC)
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2008 01:21 am (UTC)
Yeah, honestly, unless you live the religion, it doesn't really hit you. (And they keep the weirdest stuff for members - visitors, etc. don't get exposed to the inside temple stuff, etc.) Crazy, dude.

I've not heard of that particular scheme, but I'm not surprised there's yet another attempt to recreate the NuSkin "sensation."
gwynnega
Aug. 30th, 2008 04:41 am (UTC)
Are You There Bella? It's Me, Edward

::dying of laughter over here::
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2008 01:22 am (UTC)
*clappy hands*

I'm SO PLEASED that someone laughed at that picture!!!
soundingsea
Aug. 30th, 2008 01:08 pm (UTC)
Okay, the "target audience" thing? Bwahahaha. And, interesting! I didn't realize the Baddies In Italy were supposed to be Papists, but of course that makes sense.

I think my favorite part is the montage of things Bella could have been doing. (Is it weird if I kinda want the setup at that canning center? I don't have enough burners!) The scrapbooking, on the other hand, looks creepy beyond belief.
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2008 01:24 am (UTC)
Hahaha. I had to watch her implode on stage again, just to get that "as such as the Iraq" meltdown in my head. DELICIOUS.

Yeah, when it comes to the enemy of the Mormon Church, it's Rome. To which I say, no, it's the Man in the Mirror. And I apologize for putting that ear worm in your head.

(Dude. All joking aside? The cannery up in Provo? BAD. ASS. Remember the "roller mills" in the background of Footloose? That's across the highway from my grandma's house (which, you could throw a rock and hit it.) That's where the Church grinds and distributes its wheat and grains, and that place is freaking awesome, too. I still love food storage, always will. :D
nwhepcat
Aug. 30th, 2008 01:22 pm (UTC)
I'm being a terrible daughter by screwing around online instead of chatting, but I told HepmomI'd try to find your comments about McCain/LDS sect connections. (Oooh, that looks slashy!)

And I look forward to reading the LDS fic when I get home because leaving repressive religions is one of my bulletproof kinks. (Have you read Dancing Naked? I thought that was a great book. Banned by Deseret Books!) Not that I'm an insider, so ...

Back to being daughterly. (Also looking forward to reading more of the Sparkly commentary!)
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2008 01:25 am (UTC)
Oooh, that's in the mormon links, and I think it's cross-referenced with a polygamy tag, too. If you can't find it, I'll dig around for it.

I would be PLEASED AS PUNCH if you read my story, take your time! I've not read that book, but clearly I'm going to have to find it!!
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( 257 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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