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LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 2: The Sparkle Has Left Your Eyes! Now with 70% less sparkle! (Yuh huh! Yuh huh!)



Again, allow me to set the tone right off the bat:



When we last left our heroick, she was falling and stumbling and obsessing over a boy.... That's exactly where we find her again.Collapse )

Comments

( 257 comments — Leave a comment )
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(Deleted comment)
stoney321
Aug. 31st, 2008 06:43 pm (UTC)
I hate to say it, but the sexism hasn't even hit its peak, which... how awful does THAT sound?!? GAH.

(I'm glad you can laugh at this with me - it's always better to laugh than tear out your hair, imo.)
dancetomato
Sep. 1st, 2008 03:53 am (UTC)
We are at my mother's and she LOVES LOVES LOVES these books. She keeps trying to get me to read them. Of course my mother has the emotional maturity of a 13 year old girl, so no wonder she loves it.

Jonathan also does not sparkle.
stoney321
Sep. 1st, 2008 01:35 pm (UTC)
ANd now I can't stop thinking of Tennessee Willilams: "I'll rise, but I won't shine." Like any self-respecting man!

Don't fall victim. DON'T! Not unless you want to laugh and huff and puff a lot. You certainly won't be swept away by the romance....
... - dancetomato - Sep. 1st, 2008 03:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
oatmellow
Sep. 4th, 2008 05:34 pm (UTC)
A link to this blog was posted at another blog I read daily. Holy shit am I laughing. This is awesome. Absolutely awesome.

I actually really liked Edward in TWILIGHT but by the end of ECLIPSE (which I only kept reading for the backstory because frankly, I couldn't care less if Bella lived much less lived happily ever after) I stopped liking Edward because I couldn't figure out what he saw in Bella. Now I know.

Nice observations. And the visuals? PRICELESS.
-Mel
stoney321
Sep. 4th, 2008 05:50 pm (UTC)
Hi! (out of curiosity, which blog? That's cool that this is getting recced.)

Yeah, Bella is maybe the WORST protagonist I've ever read. Jesus, we all like Tony freaking Soprano, and he's a killer, what's Bella's issue? Oh, right, she's totally whiny and hates herself.

Glad I got you to laugh!
... - oatmellow - Sep. 4th, 2008 05:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2008 06:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - oatmellow - Sep. 4th, 2008 06:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
... - stoney321 - Sep. 4th, 2008 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
chosen0112
Sep. 4th, 2008 11:22 pm (UTC)
I have to tell you, these analysis(?) you do have educated me so much about the whole Mormon thing. I had NO idea. Now I feel a bit dumb! I didn't mind the books when I first read them, they were ok - not particularly well written, but ok. Now I honestly feel sickened by them.
BTW, your 'Cullen' band picture made me scare my dog cos I laughed so hard!
You are made of AWESOME!
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2008 12:16 am (UTC)
I love hearing that the pictures I so LOVINGLY CRAFT make you laugh. best thing ever, wheee!
modillian
Sep. 5th, 2008 09:51 pm (UTC)
Oh my god. OH MY GOD. At first I didn't understand what you were saying about the book going blank. Was that a metaphor? BUT WAIT NO, REALLY? HOLY FUCK, BAD CHOICE THERE, SMEYER. That's...I don't even know. I want to say cheesy to the max. I also want to say a stupid cop-out to handwave at storytelling. And then I laughed my ass off about Mola Ram. And cliff diving! Your shopp skills add just the right touch.

These books really are that dumb, aren't they.
stoney321
Sep. 5th, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
I KNOW!!!!

LITERALLY BLANK. it's just the most redonk thing ever. Yay dead trees for nothing!! Good lord.

hahahaha, yay for liking the crappy shop! It's my favorite pasttime. That and drinking. And yeah - the books REALLY ARE this dumb. So sad, right?
(Deleted comment)
caaare
Sep. 14th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
Hi, thanks trees for dying for this crap.

That was exactly my thought. And then I stopped reading it.
stoney321
Sep. 15th, 2008 03:42 pm (UTC)
Smart woman! If only more people would do that...
leahruns3
Sep. 16th, 2008 02:32 am (UTC)
*Head desk*
rebuilding new orleans
stoney321
Sep. 16th, 2008 02:43 am (UTC)
If only she wasn't so empty inside, the 9th ward would be BACK ON ITS FEET.
... - leahruns3 - Sep. 16th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC) - Expand
ranata
Sep. 19th, 2008 04:40 am (UTC)
lmao @ "if eveyone thinks its a good idea for me and dad to mate again, say I!"

That's terrible yet amusing =x
goldenusagi
Sep. 20th, 2008 06:54 pm (UTC)
I never realized why the voting on Bella's vamprism bothered me so much until now. But all the subliminal Mormon stuff...

I've enjoyed all these reviews you've done!
foster9563
Oct. 30th, 2008 04:46 pm (UTC)
This stuff is really, truly fascinating. Thanks so much for writing it.

My main issue with what I've read of Twilight was that Edward is out-and-out RUN AWAY LITTLE GIRL abusive boyfriend creepy, but there are so many more things to have issues with! Well, that's unfair, I guess. If I wrote a book my personal values and environment would likely be embedded right in there. It's a culture clash more than anything- I mean, I still hate the whole 'women need men and babies to be complete' thing (along with a LOT of other stuff), but I can see where it comes from now.

I've been battling with the urge to read these for a while now, but I really don't want to look like I'm supporting that kind of shitty writing (the blank pages thing is really unforgivably lazy), so I suppose the library is my only option. I'd probably get in trouble if I gave in to my urges to draw all over the blank pages, wouldn't I? XD
stoney321
Nov. 15th, 2008 04:06 pm (UTC)
(sorry for the late reply - things got away from me!)

I don't think you're being unfair - I mean, she's presenting themes that are backward and horrible! Edward is TOTALLY abusive, and then Jaconb becomes completely manipulative. And if you need a permission slip to avoid ever having to read these, just ask and I'll send you one. I'm a mom and have that authority, you see. ;)
telegram_
Nov. 3rd, 2008 08:14 am (UTC)
scuse me i found this entry by ways of internetz magic and i would like to know if

a) you have posted this in the community ontd_twatlight (which I see that you are a member of)

and if not

b) omgz can i please link to this epicness?????!!!

tyfyt
stoney321
Nov. 3rd, 2008 12:57 pm (UTC)
A) I haven't posted it there and
b) In the words of Jacob Black, "Sure, sure!"

;)
alsha
Nov. 3rd, 2008 10:27 am (UTC)
Ahahahaha! FTW!
colorofsakura
Nov. 6th, 2008 05:58 pm (UTC)
I dredged through most of Twilight before finally just going "Oh fuck this business" and putting it down. I can't find it in my heart to finish. So I definitely appreciate this hilarious cliff notes version of the books so that I can sit here and laugh at how bad SMeyers writing is.

Also - blank pages for serious? That's fucking ridiculous. What a waste of paper. I almost want to go to Borders and scribble spoilers inside all the books now.

I mean, House of Leaves used a similar mechanism where the author wrote a single sentence on the page, but it worked because the entire book was nothing but insanity in formatting.
stoney321
Nov. 15th, 2008 04:07 pm (UTC)
Oh, I fully believe that you made a wise decision in not finishing these horrid books, go you and your spared brain!!

BLANK PAGES. Isn't that the most jacked up thing??? SHe's just ridiculous. She's not in the avant garde league of writers by a long shot.
aberranteyes
Nov. 10th, 2008 08:57 pm (UTC)
Here via apocalypsos, and I just had to say:

There's no logic, no logic, no logic to vampire behaviour. (-8
stoney321
Nov. 15th, 2008 04:08 pm (UTC)
Man, NOOOOOOOO logic to anything in these books, be they human or vampire, right?? Such crap.
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( 257 comments — Leave a comment )

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Are You Actually

Reading this? I'm just curious. Because that's really detail-oriented of you. Feel free to stop reading. But you can see that there's more here, so are you going to keep reading? Really? That's pretty dedicated. I'm impressed. No, really. I'm not being sarcastic, why do you get like that? See, this is the problem I have with your mother - yes. YES. I'm going there. It's time we put all of our cards on the table.

I love you, why are you doing this? After all we've been through? You don't have to be like this. You know, still reading. You could be baking a pie. And then sharing it with me.

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